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Abortion after already having kids

S

Scuzzy

Greenlighter
Joined
May 6, 2016
Messages
38
So, I'm 34 and my wife is 35. We have 3 kids, ages 2, 8, and 11. We recently switched roles in that she is working and I am a stay-at-home dad for now.

We just found out that she's pregnant - probably about 2 months or less. She very strongly wants to get an abortion. Her reasons are that (1) she does not want to go through the pain of childbirth again, (2) that it wouldn't be fair to the other kids, as we are living somewhere near the poverty line and if it wasn't for my 86 y.o. grandfather paying 80% of our rent, we would not be able to support ourselves and (3) she just plain doesn't want a family that large.

I'm torn on the issue. Neither of us is a stranger to abortion. She had one before she met me after being raped by a friend. I also convinced a girlfriend to get one about 6 years ago. My wife and I had been separated for almost a year and I had a fling. The girl was a severe alcoholic and died of double organ failure 2 years ago. She was drinking heavily - 500-750mL vodka per day - even after finding out she was pregnant, so that was a huge factor in me wanting to her to just get an abortion. I figured that if the baby managed to survive, it would be so riddled with defects that it would have a miserable life. Even so, I felt terrible about the decision, and it took years for time to heal that wound.

This situation is different. There would be no reason to abort this baby except for the fact that it would be inconvenient and that we are both more than satisfied with the size of our family. She told me that she is afraid that I'll hate her for getting an abortion. Over the past week since we found out she was pregnant, I have had moments of anger that I've mostly kept inside. It's hard for me to think about aborting a child when my 2 year old smiles at me and says "I love you Daddy." NO! I just can't do it. The only catch is that she will either connect with the child and then thank me for talking her out of aborting it - or she will have the child and resent it - and resent me for "forcing" her to have it. She not a very motherly type, and I feel like she hates being a parent most of the time. Because of that, I fear that she may end up resenting me AND the baby if I push her to keep it.

Anyone else ever been through something similar?
 
'Her body, her choice' is my take.
You can have an opinion - and voice it, obviously - but ultimately it is her decision.
That's what i think anyway.
 
Yeah, I agree. ^

Her body her choice. All her reasons make a lot of sense. She can't handle the pain again... something you know nothing about and haven't been through it THREE times. You are all struggling and she knows how much MORE you'll be struggling. Babies are EXPENSIVE. Are you really in a place to be able to afford diapers and baby formula? These are much, much more than it being "inconvenient". We're talking about pain and survival.

What are YOUR reasons for wanting to keep the child? Besides, "My two-year old makes me smile" ??

As her husband, you should be there to support her decisions. Instead, she's being pressured to make a decision she doesn't want in fear that "you'll hate her". That sort of emotional blackmail is just cruel. Stop worrying about a hypothetical relationship with this unborn fetus and start worrying about your THREE children and you WIFE, NOW.

& on top of that, SHE'S WORKING! Are you going to start working again and then leave her to take care of this child that she didn't even want to begin with? I mean, where's your sympathy for your wife? For the woman you love? Where's your love for her?
 
You are making a lot of assumptions that aren't true. She's not being pressured into anything - the procedure is happening on Monday and I have reassured her that this will change nothing in our relationship. I have been loving through both my words and my actions. That's easy to do because I DO love her just as much. I have made very little of my mixed feelings. Since I DO have mixed feelings, I posted them here instead of driving her crazy with them. I'm surprised I feel as strongly as I do, and I want to avoid burdening her with that as much as possible without being completely dishonest. These are feelings I just can't fully share with her, because I DO care about how she feels. I think that she might feel some wave of regret after it happens, and I don't want to make it way worse by wagging a finger at her.

My reason for wanting to keep it? If I had to picture life with or without any of my 3 kids, I would never choose without - even though they forced me to grow up and act like an adult a lot younger than I would have liked. I'm sure that if we had the fourth, I would have the same feeling about all 4. I'm also the primary caretaker. I do the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry, the diapers, the homework/studying, the handling of there disputes with their siblings, and the tons of the emotional support. If she wanted to keep it, I would being doing all these things for a fourth child without too much complaining. I'm actually dying to get back to work at least part time, because being in the house with these kids 24/7 is making me a little crazy! Maybe I'm a masochist, but I'm willing on my end, I would just never throw that in her face.

So basically, I am venting my feelings here instead of to her. And I'm open to any points of view that might change my feelings on the subject. I would like to feel better and sleep better than I am. But please don't blast me for being insensitive to my wife - it's not like that. She said that she was afraid I would hate her because she has always been anti-abortion and she convinced me to agree with her point of view that abortion was wrong. She doesn't think I'll hate her because it's something that I threaten her with when I don't get my way.

I guess I just wanted someone to tell me that it's OK to let her go ahead and do it. No one among our family and friends knows about it, so it's nice having a neutral third party to talk to. So thanks :)
 
This still makes me so angry inside. If I knew things would play out like this, I wouldn't have had sex with her at all. We were NOT trying to conceive, but we always said that if an accident happened, it happened, you know?

Just to be clear - I'm not anti-abortion. I could care less what other people do. There is far too much evil in the world for me to care. It's just THIS abortion that bothers me.

I love my kids, and I love this one. It's alive right now, and it's going to die in about 24 hours.

If you don't have kids, don't want kids, or don't like kids, I don't need your opinion. You couldn't possibly understand what I'm going through.

I do not want to do all the extra work I would have to do. I'm depressed and I feel tired all the time. Raising this child would be a lot for me. Every responsibility but the actual delivery would fall on me. I don't feel like it's right for me to kill it. If it were up to me, I wouldn't do it.

And there she is (my wife)... sleeping so soundly on the bed 6 feet away from me. God I wish I could be like her.

God I hope this doesn't eat away at me and place distance between her and I in the coming months. Emotional blackmail? How about the reality of the human psyche? Repressed anger is exactly that - only repressed. And I'm sitting here stewing.

If anyone else is going to flame me, a father of three for wanting to protect my fourth child just as I do my other 3, please spare me - I am not doing well here OK? Maybe a moderator could move this to TDS if it fits better there..
 
Its a shock for both and its easier to see the bad side financially and otherwise when confronted with it.

There are no winners here. I wanted to have an abortion when I found out I was pregnant and the father wanted to keep the baby. I ended up being convinced he would stay with me and have a family but he left me 2 weeks before the birth.

My daughter is trying to take my phone off me to play panda pop so i cant finish now. Aaargh

If she has an abortion she will be offered a mirena or other birth control.

Babies are hard work as you know and abortion seems to ppl not involved as the easy way out. It is not at all easy and you both will need support either way.

Hope you both make the decision you need to together and get through it as a team.
 
well it sounds like keeping this to yourself is not doing any good.

she has control over this situation legally. you cannot afford this child but at the same time it is to all intents and purposes healthy as far as you know. so logically you think its a bad idea but emotionally you want it. also i can see how after having someone go on about abortion being wrong but then changing their mind when it suits them would annoy me too.

i can empathise with the lack of control you feel. if you feel this strong talk to her. can she not delay this by 3 days and you two have a talk and you voice how you are feeling because if you dont talk to her now its gonna be an unresolved issue that could drag on.

talk to her and tell her how you feel. if you do go ahead with it and you feel like this and dont voice it thats very unhealthy. because effectively this is a grief feeling over something that is a choice but not yours



maybe you need a counsellor
 
There are options: C-section, adoption, figure out how to get more money so you can afford to keep it, vascectomy, etc.

Why on earth did she have the first three if she doesn't even like being a mother?
 
You can't support yourselves as is what happens when your GPA can't pay your rent for you and you have a fourth child to strain yourself even more.

Being the poor kid sucks and relying on the govt is even worse.

It'd be a different situation if you were financially stable to have a fourth but honestly its pretty selfish to bring another child into the world when you aren't afloat with the 3 u have.
 
spacejunk said:
'Her body, her choice' is my take.
You can have an opinion - and voice it, obviously - but ultimately it is her decision.
That's what i think anyway.
Click to expand...

Pretty_Diamonds said:
Yeah, I agree. ^

Her body her choice. All her reasons make a lot of sense.
Click to expand...

What utter nonsense (IMO) - she is pregnant, it takes two people to tango and both parties should have a say in the matter. Her body - if it is her body alone then 'she' should have taken the necessary steps to ensure she did not get pregnant IF pregnancy was not the shared goal of sex then this should have been advised prior to sex.

Do not keep a child for any other reason than you wanting a child!
 
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By law, at the moment of conception, the father immediately loses all rights and any say in the matter; yet he is legally responsible for the outcome. While an abortion is 100% her choice, the father will still be held responsible for child support payments if she chooses to keep it and they separate.
Bearlove said:
What utter nonsense (IMO) - she is pregnant, it takes two people to tango and both parties should have a say in the matter. Her body - if it is her body alone then 'she' should have taken the necessary steps to ensure she did not get pregnant IF pregnancy was not the shared goal of sex then this should have been advised prior to sex.

Do not keep a child for any other reason than you wanting a child!
Click to expand...
 
socko said:
There are options: C-section, adoption, figure out how to get more money so you can afford to keep it, vascectomy, etc.

Why on earth did she have the first three if she doesn't even like being a mother?
Click to expand...

She had the first one because she felt so much guilt over the first abortion and her mother essentially demanded that she keep it (the guy she had sex with lied about having a condom on). I was in love with her, but we only knew each other for 6 months we were barely even in a relationship, and it was the first time we had sex (it is my kid 100% though, DNA test - long story...) I gave up all my dreams to step up to the plate and be a father. The second and third kids were planned. So to me, I already gave up everything for our first child, so why start aborting them now? To me, it's like shutting the barn door after all the horses already ran out.

She's at the clinic right now, and I am home taking care of the kids. I believe she's getting the pill - she didn't ask me to come.

I was thinking that this is my karma for pressuring my ex to get an abortion.

The strange thing is that during the day I'm mostly fine with it, but at night I often start to have really bad feelings about it. I imagine what he or she would be like, and how we're erasing all those beautiful moments before they even happen.

And she said that if it's twins, she's not going through with the abortion - which makes no sense to me! I hope she doesn't have some kind of breakdown after all is said and done...
 
socko said:
By law, at the moment of conception, the father immediately loses all rights and any say in the matter; yet he is legally responsible for the outcome. While an abortion is 100% her choice, the father will still be held responsible for child support payments if she chooses to keep it and they separate.
Click to expand...

Yeah. Frankly, i think that's fair.
Women generally don't have the luxury of deciding not to have an emotional invesrment in the kid, as men can, and frequently do.
That's why i think committed couples should do everything they can to reach a decision they are both happy with; if a woman wants an abortion, no man has the right to tell her what she can't do with her body.

It's just my opinion, it's something fundamental i've come to realise through personal experience and through that of friends.
I learned a lot when i got a girl pregnant and supported her as best i could through the abortion. The message for me was not about "right" or "wrong" - but that it's ultimately her decision.
 
spacejunk said:
Yeah. Frankly, i think that's fair.

That's why i think committed couples should do everything they can to reach a decision they are both happy with; if a woman wants an abortion, no man has the right to tell her what she can't do with her body.

It's just my opinion, it's something fundamental i've come to realise through personal experience and through that of friends.
I learned a lot when i got a girl pregnant and supported her as best i could through the abortion. The message for me was not about "right" or "wrong" - but that it's ultimately her decision.
Click to expand...

I'm glad you supported her. But on the other hand, "Reproduction Abuse" is very common. An xgf went through a phase where she was poking holes in condoms. I was naive and trusted her. There are 1000s of horror stories online about women trapping men that way.

Women generally don't have the luxury of deciding not to have an emotional invesrment in the kid, as men can, and frequently do.
Click to expand...
You've never met my mother. It's surprisingly common for new mothers to feel nothing (or resent or hate) for their babies. This is not very well publicized.
 
I suggest you get a vasectomy. No more accidents. It was your mode of birth control that caused this to happen and please learn from that mistake.

As your kids get older it will be easier for you to return to work and get out of the house more.

Things are hard when they are young and its better for them to have a routine. If this means you are home with them then putting them first is far more important than your own needs.

You are doing a great job, a thankless neverending exhausting job with your kids. It will get easier. Its a shame that you and your wife cant equally share the child rearing and employment but thats just life and many families have that problem.

I wish you well. Its best you two stick together for your own sake and support each other. Being a single parent, I wish I had that support of the other parent to help me and our child but hes long gone.
 
You have the option to have another child later. You are barely surviving now. Do you want to (and think you'll be able to) continue living off freebies for the rest of your life?
A vasectomy is a great option.
If you have three amazing children, why do you need more? Ask yourself why you want to put more children into this world? Is the world not giving you a tough time? Does it not give most of us a tough time? Why do you think potentially putting another child into this world, especially where life will get MORE tough, especially if you aren't able to provide for them, is a good idea?
I'm just trying to be realistic and put it into perspective.
In the future, you can ALWAYS think about adoption. How amazing would that be? To save another child's life? To be able to give them a life they never would have gotten before?

I do hope everything went well, for both of you :)
 
Well it's over with as of 6 hours ago! I honestly feel relieved now that it's over, and my wife seems to be handling it well too. I've been making her laugh as much as possible, and it seems to be working. She still has to take a whole bunch of pills (it was a pill abortion), and she has work tomorrow. It's gonna be tough to run her department, but I've got a few left-over RX painkillers for her if the ibuprofen's not enough. I'm crossing my fingers that she'll be OK.
 
I just want to say thanks to everyone who replied to this thread. I sometimes have trouble controlling my emotions, and conversing with all of you was exactly what I needed to do. It made me feel far less compelled to communicate every single random thought I had about the subject to my wife, which would have been stress she wouldn't have been able to handle at the time. Thanks BL for making this tough experience a little more bearable.
 
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