A tale of nothing

[awesome31311]

Evolution is not working on us anymore

At least not on a societal level, for the developed world

I should have been dead a while ago, several times in fact, had it not been for costly medical intervention

What are the consequences of this, I sometimes do wonder. It's crazy.

I've come to realize, and actually acknowledge, that I'm really unstable. I still get times where I think of dying, over and over. I have been through the shitty mental health system for self harm (cutting) several times, and have a history that nobody in my college would believe is about me (Well, except the really close friends). There really are consequences that come with the level of consciousness that heavy psychedelic use provides.

I really think it's important to have a place where I can talk about this stuff without actually having the cops called on me, a free transport to the ER, where they'll restrain you for something as constitutional as refusing a blood test.

If there's one thing I can say with certainty, it's that people are a bunch of two faced bitches. And our system, the way we treat people with issues is trash.

Anyway, I'm fucking glad I discovered acid. I'd have never learned the superpower I always had, that everyone has (but few use), of being able to transform, and really mold your thoughts, halt them at will, that kind of stuff. It's possible to learn that skill even without acid, many many people do. It took me acid to get there, and I see no wrong with that.

Yeah, btw, HPPD is very real, and if I look at ceiling tiles, the geometry is all there. So yes, my diagnosis was changed, from "bipolar" to "schizophrenia", with manic symptoms. It just didn't click with the shrinks that I had gained self mastery and changed myself completely in a matter of weeks. They insisted, I was "going through a mood swing". They told me I would have to stay on their shitty** antipsychotics for life to avoid "another episode". Well here's what's getting people sicker than they already are: Telling them that they are going to get worse!!!

So yes, naturally I've become an opponent of forced drugging and institutionalization. These things have ruined me, just as much as forced "un-drugging" (telling people what they can't take) would have, had I not been a risk taker by nature.

** Stated with acknowledgement that there are many who find these meds help their symptoms, including my brother with the same diagnosis as myself. They just didn't work out for me.

 

[w01fg4ng]

Hey I'm glad that you are able to be honest about your personal issues. I really wish we had a better mental health system too. Your post reminded me of a poem.


Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,

Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,

To the last syllable of recorded time;

And all our yesterdays have lighted fools

The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!

Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player,

That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,

And then is heard no more. It is a tale

Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,

Signifying nothing.

 

[Asclepius]

Evolution is not working on us anymore

At least not on a societal level, for the developed world

I should have been dead a while ago, several times in fact, had it not been for costly medical intervention

What are the consequences of this, I sometimes do wonder. It's crazy.

I've come to realize, and actually acknowledge, that I'm really unstable. I still get times where I think of dying, over and over. I have been through the shitty mental health system for self harm (cutting) several times, and have a history that nobody in my college would believe is about me (Well, except the really close friends). There really are consequences that come with the level of consciousness that heavy psychedelic use provides.

I really think it's important to have a place where I can talk about this stuff without actually having the cops called on me, a free transport to the ER, where they'll restrain you for something as constitutional as refusing a blood test.

If there's one thing I can say with certainty, it's that people are a bunch of two faced bitches. And our system, the way we treat people with issues is trash.

This is sincerely true and you are in no way alone in this awareness. It's a top-down, hierarchical model that is there to function on paper and on budget but over-rides heterogeneity and human need.

Listen, forget that, forget it - it will destroy you if you keep focusing on it while neglecting yourself - sounds like you've already been misunderstood (that's not to say ignore it) but keep that realization of yours in place when it comes to looking after yourself - and others. There are people within the system who also realize this, so do not conflate everything and the whole system with each individual you meet related to it - most people are trapped in the net on various levels, its wise to have an understanding of the bigger picture - its not conspiracy but the fact that dysfunctional systems enable dysfunctional service - its basic, ignorance that can be construed and intuited as some awful conspiracy but the awfulness is simply, that it these are mismanaged and dysfunctional systems ; it really is that its neglect, on a societal/governmental and scientific, level.
You do not have to buy into the subjugation these dysfunctional systems, if you have awareness, its always difficult but you have your own mind and although we all are dependent somehow (on varying levels) you can choose what to engage with and what not to - this is personal power - separating truth from bs, and this doesnt have to be done overtly - you got yourself, you got to focus on what you have and be discerning with who you share your real needs with.

All is not lost, if you can not let the injustice interfere with your well-being and be true to your good self.

Anyway, I'm fucking glad I discovered acid. I'd have never learned the superpower I always had, that everyone has (but few use), of being able to transform, and really mold your thoughts, halt them at will, that kind of stuff. It's possible to learn that skill even without acid, many many people do. It took me acid to get there, and I see no wrong with that.

The trick is to learn from your experience, if you are stuck on and glorifying anything (substance, person or, thing) then it is a sign that you are simply dependent and not learning from. If you are diagnosed with (I assume drug-induced) Schizophrenia, if I were in your shoes (obviously, im not but I'll take a leap of projection here), I would concentrate on getting back to baseline ( always difficult but nothing worthwhile and solid isnt) and working from there. You can and will get better if you want to and it will be difficult. Take time-out for yourself and keep yourself away from anything overstimulating, see how you fare with that as an experiment - always experiment with your state - without substances, keep it within a time frame and check your tolerance.
This will provide you with real experience of your baseline and you can judge it somewhat objectively, should you have the motivation to discover your self.

It's all difficult - ALL of this, but that's how you build your strength of mind. Once you got your mind somewhat back to yourself, you know who you are - like it or, lump it - that's your compass, right there, its all yours and you can handle the shit and the glory, as yourself and not depend on anyone to dictate to you about who you are.

 

[awesome31311]

This is sincerely true and you are in no way alone in this awareness. It's a top-down, hierarchical model that is there to function on paper and on budget but over-rides heterogeneity and human need.

Listen, forget that, forget it - it will destroy you if you keep focusing on it while neglecting yourself - sounds like you've already been misunderstood (that's not to say ignore it) but keep that realization of yours in place when it comes to looking after yourself - and others. There are people within the system who also realize this, so do not conflate everything and the whole system with each individual you meet related to it - most people are trapped in the net on various levels, its wise to have an understanding of the bigger picture - its not conspiracy but the fact that dysfunctional systems enable dysfunctional service - its basic, ignorance that can be construed and intuited as some awful conspiracy but the awfulness is simply, that it these are mismanaged and dysfunctional systems ; it really is that its neglect, on a societal/governmental and scientific, level.
You do not have to buy into the subjugation these dysfunctional systems, if you have awareness, its always difficult but you have your own mind and although we all are dependent somehow (on varying levels) you can choose what to engage with and what not to - this is personal power - separating truth from bs, and this doesnt have to be done overtly - you got yourself, you got to focus on what you have and be discerning with who you share your real needs with.

All is not lost, if you can not let the injustice interfere with your well-being and be true to your good self.



The trick is to learn from your experience, if you are stuck on and glorifying anything (substance, person or, thing) then it is a sign that you are simply dependent and not learning from. If you are diagnosed with (I assume drug-induced) Schizophrenia, if I were in your shoes (obviously, im not but I'll take a leap of projection here), I would concentrate on getting back to baseline ( always difficult but nothing worthwhile and solid isnt) and working from there. You can and will get better if you want to and it will be difficult. Take time-out for yourself and keep yourself away from anything overstimulating, see how you fare with that as an experiment - always experiment with your state - without substances, keep it within a time frame and check your tolerance.
This will provide you with real experience of your baseline and you can judge it somewhat objectively, should you have the motivation to discover your self.

It's all difficult - ALL of this, but that's how you build your strength of mind. Once you got your mind somewhat back to yourself, you know who you are - like it or, lump it - that's your compass, right there, its all yours and you can handle the shit and the glory, as yourself and not depend on anyone to dictate to you about who you are.

Hey man, you're absolutely right in implying that there's issues with my glorification of acid and heavy use. I've only come to acknowledge it's a problem, an addiction even. People think you can't get hooked to psychedelics, but people can be addicted to anything.

 

[Asclepius]

^ for sure mate, all of us - life is tough and if anything offers a way out, it seems like the answer but essentially, its just a means (be it with postive/negative outcomes). Hope you're doing alright?

 

[Xorkoth]

Hey man, you're absolutely right in implying that there's issues with my glorification of acid and heavy use. I've only come to acknowledge it's a problem, an addiction even. People think you can't get hooked to psychedelics, but people can be addicted to anything.

You're right, sometimes psychedelics can be an escape and even an addiction. In 2006-2008 I was dosing psychedelics most days, all sorts of them, I was in a bad place but in denial about it (increasingly toxic relationship and addiction to opiates) and the psychedelics helped me to be able to still see the beauty in the world. They were an escape from my own mental prison but it was temporary, eventually they became a crutch because instead of acting on what I learned I didn't change my behavior, I just kept masking it. Eventually I crashed and burned and it took 3 years to recover. Even now I occasionally use psychedelics because I'm bored or feeling bad about the world because they're good for that. But there is a balance you need to find. What I have discovered is that sometimes psychedelics can be harmless recreational fun (like I often take something when I spend a day hiking or if I'm camping, just for fun), but sometimes (whether on psychedelics or sober), you realize something important, and when you do, the only way to really integrate that and move forward is to act on that new knowledge while you're sober, and consciously, with intent, make it a part of your life, day by day.

Our reality is ours to shape. We can't change the external world or other people, but we can change how we react to those things. I have gotten to a place where I am fully aware of how fucked up things are, but I choose to focus on my immediate world, the people around me, the place I live. I try to make things better for people I encounter, even if it's just being friendly and grateful to someone at the grocery store or whatever. These things make me feel good, and good about myself. I have found and surrounded myself with good people I can relate to, and I am pursuing my passion (music). These things fill my life with purpose and joy, so even though sometimes it's hard not to get dragged down by the horrors we get bombarded with daily (pro tip: don't read/watch the news), I have so much good to fall back on. I took work but I change my perspective entirely. 5 years ago I wished to die and fantastized about killing myself and now most every day is a good one.