This is a little bit (actually a lot lol) of some general ramblins I wrote while high on cocaine on my own after I got home from heading out with friends. Not sure if it's been done before but could be interesting.
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While writing I’ve told myself to just write every thought I think no matter what it is so I can get a true reflection the next day of what I am like in this state.
I don’t think I am addicted… But sometimes when I really feel the need to do baz I feel really disgusted with myself for doing it. But nonetheless I do it. Is this addition? Or something else? I only ever do it if it’s available except sometimes I don’t even try to say no and sometimes ask first if we’re gonna get the baz.
Write now at the time of writing I am extremely bazzed… I keep doing this weird shoulder twitch thing when I move them up to my ears and back down. Even thought I like the feeling I can’t help but feel guilty… You may be reading this thinking I am addicted… But I am seriously not… I think a lot about why I do it… Then I think about why I think it about a lot when I do it. I think baz is an escape mechanism…
I have been feeling extremely depressed lately… I had a really nice chat with my girlfriend and proper opened up to her about killing myself… I don’t think about it everyday but most days. I think about how I would do it, where, when… I think about who I’ll leave behind… Mostly [girlfriends-name]… It always comes down to [girlfriends-name]… I love her so much and the thought of her being so upset with the loss of my makes me stop thinking about the worst.
Time for another line… 20 mins apart. I was gonna set a timer but sounds really agitate me sometimes.
I got a bit distracted and I think I’m on a come down now… Just trying to keep up the flow so I can finish all the stuff I’ve started I’m on a roll.
If I had to pick one reason why I do this horrible white shit from Columbia… I would say… It is to help me discover myself. I know that sounds gay and cheesy but it’s true. It unleashes my emotions and removes my anxiety. My depression almost stops and I let everyone know what I truly think. I normally bottle things up. I bottle things up because I don’t like to rely on people. But then it just builds up and builds up and eventually I have outbursts of crying and sadness. But once the sadness and crying is over I feel almost refreshed and new and again. I think doing this every once in a while is like a pressure valve that needs twisting so I don’t overheat and go into full meltdown.
I think the last big meltdown I had. And I mean serious melt down was last year when I liked a girl and she just broke up with someone and wanted to live a little. Shit happens. At the time I was like why do I always pick the wrong people and wrong decisions. But now I look back and realise that some people make me weak… And by bottling things up they can’t make me weak. It’s a bit of a catch 22 really.
I’m so gonna delete this shit when I read it tomorrow feeling like crap and full of regret. The dreaded baz comedown.
[girlfriends-name], my girlfriend/soulmate whatever. She found I did this a few weeks ago. I know she doesn’t like and was really pissed at me for lying about it to her for so long. Then I said I wouldn’t do it again but here I am. I’m not gonna tell her I still do it. I made that mistake of telling her so I won’t do it again. I will eventually grow out of it when we move out and get married but for now I like the stories and living a bit wild every other week. When the house comes or wedding ring or kids it will be a new chapter in my life and will leave all this behind.
I’m hoping my friends stop too. I would like to keep my friends, my good friends. But I feel that if they keep on doing this I will have to disconnect. When my children grow up I don’t want them around it but if they turn 18 and I find out they’ve done it I won’t be angry but I won’t encourage it either. My Mum knows I’ve done stuff before and my brother was a proper pot head. Her philosophy was nothing more than baz or pills and if you get addicted then I’ll be pissed. I think it’s a good principle to follow. Your kids need to learn about all aspects of life. The good and the bad. The parent should just hold their hand and guide them through the bad times and enjoy the good times. I really want kids… With [girlfriends-name]… I want 4 max but minimum 1 boy and 1 girl.
Time for that next line… Only a few left and feeling strong. Kinda wish I had a valium to help with sleeping… I have work in 3-4 hours. But I’m working from home so I can wallow in self pity in peace.
I just had a random thought while I was away. I’m going to post this on Bluelight and see what people make of it. Completely unedited but I will remove names for the sake of anonymity. I think it will be good for some fellow cocaine users to view my ramblings and inner workings and give me some constructive criticism.
I think I will leave this as it is for now and post it before I regret doing it tomorrow. Look forward to reading the comments. Peace! And I will just chill out in front the TV and try and get some shut eye.
ps. Also just so you know. I will not top myself tonight. I actually feel pretty good and looking forward to mindlessly watching music channels for the next couple of hours. See ya!
---
While writing I’ve told myself to just write every thought I think no matter what it is so I can get a true reflection the next day of what I am like in this state.
I don’t think I am addicted… But sometimes when I really feel the need to do baz I feel really disgusted with myself for doing it. But nonetheless I do it. Is this addition? Or something else? I only ever do it if it’s available except sometimes I don’t even try to say no and sometimes ask first if we’re gonna get the baz.
Write now at the time of writing I am extremely bazzed… I keep doing this weird shoulder twitch thing when I move them up to my ears and back down. Even thought I like the feeling I can’t help but feel guilty… You may be reading this thinking I am addicted… But I am seriously not… I think a lot about why I do it… Then I think about why I think it about a lot when I do it. I think baz is an escape mechanism…
I have been feeling extremely depressed lately… I had a really nice chat with my girlfriend and proper opened up to her about killing myself… I don’t think about it everyday but most days. I think about how I would do it, where, when… I think about who I’ll leave behind… Mostly [girlfriends-name]… It always comes down to [girlfriends-name]… I love her so much and the thought of her being so upset with the loss of my makes me stop thinking about the worst.
Time for another line… 20 mins apart. I was gonna set a timer but sounds really agitate me sometimes.
I got a bit distracted and I think I’m on a come down now… Just trying to keep up the flow so I can finish all the stuff I’ve started I’m on a roll.
If I had to pick one reason why I do this horrible white shit from Columbia… I would say… It is to help me discover myself. I know that sounds gay and cheesy but it’s true. It unleashes my emotions and removes my anxiety. My depression almost stops and I let everyone know what I truly think. I normally bottle things up. I bottle things up because I don’t like to rely on people. But then it just builds up and builds up and eventually I have outbursts of crying and sadness. But once the sadness and crying is over I feel almost refreshed and new and again. I think doing this every once in a while is like a pressure valve that needs twisting so I don’t overheat and go into full meltdown.
I think the last big meltdown I had. And I mean serious melt down was last year when I liked a girl and she just broke up with someone and wanted to live a little. Shit happens. At the time I was like why do I always pick the wrong people and wrong decisions. But now I look back and realise that some people make me weak… And by bottling things up they can’t make me weak. It’s a bit of a catch 22 really.
I’m so gonna delete this shit when I read it tomorrow feeling like crap and full of regret. The dreaded baz comedown.
[girlfriends-name], my girlfriend/soulmate whatever. She found I did this a few weeks ago. I know she doesn’t like and was really pissed at me for lying about it to her for so long. Then I said I wouldn’t do it again but here I am. I’m not gonna tell her I still do it. I made that mistake of telling her so I won’t do it again. I will eventually grow out of it when we move out and get married but for now I like the stories and living a bit wild every other week. When the house comes or wedding ring or kids it will be a new chapter in my life and will leave all this behind.
I’m hoping my friends stop too. I would like to keep my friends, my good friends. But I feel that if they keep on doing this I will have to disconnect. When my children grow up I don’t want them around it but if they turn 18 and I find out they’ve done it I won’t be angry but I won’t encourage it either. My Mum knows I’ve done stuff before and my brother was a proper pot head. Her philosophy was nothing more than baz or pills and if you get addicted then I’ll be pissed. I think it’s a good principle to follow. Your kids need to learn about all aspects of life. The good and the bad. The parent should just hold their hand and guide them through the bad times and enjoy the good times. I really want kids… With [girlfriends-name]… I want 4 max but minimum 1 boy and 1 girl.
Time for that next line… Only a few left and feeling strong. Kinda wish I had a valium to help with sleeping… I have work in 3-4 hours. But I’m working from home so I can wallow in self pity in peace.
I just had a random thought while I was away. I’m going to post this on Bluelight and see what people make of it. Completely unedited but I will remove names for the sake of anonymity. I think it will be good for some fellow cocaine users to view my ramblings and inner workings and give me some constructive criticism.
I think I will leave this as it is for now and post it before I regret doing it tomorrow. Look forward to reading the comments. Peace! And I will just chill out in front the TV and try and get some shut eye.
ps. Also just so you know. I will not top myself tonight. I actually feel pretty good and looking forward to mindlessly watching music channels for the next couple of hours. See ya!
