CottonAndGuns
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Mar 18, 2017
- Messages
- 33
Hey all. I'm in a huge pickle right now and I feel hopeless. I feel I'm determined to spend the rest of my life in pain.
I have acute RSI pains all the time. I used to work to burn out on my projects. Before my pain hit I was successful in my field. Had a name for myself. I owed that to my imagination, creativity and *drumroll* untreated mental health conditions! I didn't know what it was: autism, aspergers, ADHD, OCD, dyslexia or whatever. But I had a power with my unique brain that I used for financial gain. I'd work day and night. I could feel the pain coming on but did nothing about it. My warning signs that I totally ignored was fainting at my desk numerous times because I forgot to eat. Lol!
The docs put me on various painkillers. They barely treated the pain but they did make me feel good. Those little dopamine hits I'd get solving problems all day long with work I could now get for free! One time in peak depression I told my doc I took more pain meds than prescribed because I wanted to make it through to tomorrow, to feel good enough to continue living. I think that burned my medical notes because since then I've gotten diddly squat from my docs except plain old gabapentin that did SO LITTLE for my pain or mood that I could take a placebo and feel no different. I had my partner set it up for me. We bought some capsules from amazon and stuffed some with gabapentin, some with crushed paracetamol (a tiny amount not even 250mg). She told me one week I was given no gabapentin at all. No withdrawals, no pain killing, no mood/social anxiety lifting.
So then. Recently my pharmacist messed up and gave me the same dosage pregabalin as gabapentin. I was over the moon. I'm a sensible person at times and took less than the max dose (300mg twice a day). I called the docs when I could to tell them the situation. Lines were busy due to the Coronavirus. Instead of putting me on the dose I was taking (300mg once a day) I was put on 50mg once a day.
I had on withdrawals but the pain returned.
I pleaded with them to put me back on that dose that worked.
I was kept in suspense for days for the docs to "talk to each other about this". And they decided no. The receptionist informed me about their decision. I asked her, flabergasted, "so what do I do now? I'm in so much pain." She said nothing. I asked to make an appointment. She said "it can't be about this. They wont change their decision".
Now? I'm looking at my dwindling savings wondering if I should just waste money buying this shit from abroad. I don't want to. I can't, even. The doctors, my doctors, don't care that I'm in pain and depressed. The NHS has been nothing but good to me except for this.
I don't know what to do. I thought about switching GPs but surely my notes will go across and because of that one line I once said in a suicidal depression hoping to just not end it all in the night... I screwed myself. My body is aching all the time.
Do you know what I do now? I get 7 capsules of 50mg lyrica once a week. I take them all at once to get that single dose of what I deserve. I spend one day a week without physical pain. Todays that day btw that's why I'm writing so much. However I do get mental anxiety during it worrying that I've got 6 more days to come before I can not hurt again.
All this just reminds me of those white middle class american women you hear about (at least here in the UK), where they were on pain meds but their docs took them off it, so they sought out heroin and similar.
I wish I could get a second opinion. My GPs only has 2 permanent docs at the moment. They used to be bustling with 5 brilliant ones but Tory cuts to the NHS meant loads left and they had to close on Saturdays. I don't know where to get my other opinion from as both my docs have "conferred" over this and "due to my history won't be increasing my dose".
I've got my counsellor to speak to them, twice now, about how I'm okay to have more because I'm a sensible egg nowadays. More or less. I just want the fucking pain to stop. I want to be able to work just a fraction of how I used to. I want to get my name back. I want to thank everyone that helped me through this. It won't be docs - they can sit on the "hindrance" side.
(33% of my entire family (including partners) works for the NHS at different levels, grades etc. They're all great.)
I'll be on my way now. I hope to be back either next week or sooner if my protests are heard.
Kind regards,
CottonAndGuns
I have acute RSI pains all the time. I used to work to burn out on my projects. Before my pain hit I was successful in my field. Had a name for myself. I owed that to my imagination, creativity and *drumroll* untreated mental health conditions! I didn't know what it was: autism, aspergers, ADHD, OCD, dyslexia or whatever. But I had a power with my unique brain that I used for financial gain. I'd work day and night. I could feel the pain coming on but did nothing about it. My warning signs that I totally ignored was fainting at my desk numerous times because I forgot to eat. Lol!
The docs put me on various painkillers. They barely treated the pain but they did make me feel good. Those little dopamine hits I'd get solving problems all day long with work I could now get for free! One time in peak depression I told my doc I took more pain meds than prescribed because I wanted to make it through to tomorrow, to feel good enough to continue living. I think that burned my medical notes because since then I've gotten diddly squat from my docs except plain old gabapentin that did SO LITTLE for my pain or mood that I could take a placebo and feel no different. I had my partner set it up for me. We bought some capsules from amazon and stuffed some with gabapentin, some with crushed paracetamol (a tiny amount not even 250mg). She told me one week I was given no gabapentin at all. No withdrawals, no pain killing, no mood/social anxiety lifting.
So then. Recently my pharmacist messed up and gave me the same dosage pregabalin as gabapentin. I was over the moon. I'm a sensible person at times and took less than the max dose (300mg twice a day). I called the docs when I could to tell them the situation. Lines were busy due to the Coronavirus. Instead of putting me on the dose I was taking (300mg once a day) I was put on 50mg once a day.
I had on withdrawals but the pain returned.
I pleaded with them to put me back on that dose that worked.
I was kept in suspense for days for the docs to "talk to each other about this". And they decided no. The receptionist informed me about their decision. I asked her, flabergasted, "so what do I do now? I'm in so much pain." She said nothing. I asked to make an appointment. She said "it can't be about this. They wont change their decision".
Now? I'm looking at my dwindling savings wondering if I should just waste money buying this shit from abroad. I don't want to. I can't, even. The doctors, my doctors, don't care that I'm in pain and depressed. The NHS has been nothing but good to me except for this.
I don't know what to do. I thought about switching GPs but surely my notes will go across and because of that one line I once said in a suicidal depression hoping to just not end it all in the night... I screwed myself. My body is aching all the time.
Do you know what I do now? I get 7 capsules of 50mg lyrica once a week. I take them all at once to get that single dose of what I deserve. I spend one day a week without physical pain. Todays that day btw that's why I'm writing so much. However I do get mental anxiety during it worrying that I've got 6 more days to come before I can not hurt again.
All this just reminds me of those white middle class american women you hear about (at least here in the UK), where they were on pain meds but their docs took them off it, so they sought out heroin and similar.
I wish I could get a second opinion. My GPs only has 2 permanent docs at the moment. They used to be bustling with 5 brilliant ones but Tory cuts to the NHS meant loads left and they had to close on Saturdays. I don't know where to get my other opinion from as both my docs have "conferred" over this and "due to my history won't be increasing my dose".
I've got my counsellor to speak to them, twice now, about how I'm okay to have more because I'm a sensible egg nowadays. More or less. I just want the fucking pain to stop. I want to be able to work just a fraction of how I used to. I want to get my name back. I want to thank everyone that helped me through this. It won't be docs - they can sit on the "hindrance" side.
(33% of my entire family (including partners) works for the NHS at different levels, grades etc. They're all great.)
I'll be on my way now. I hope to be back either next week or sooner if my protests are heard.
Kind regards,
CottonAndGuns
.