Yep, I would def go out with opiates, not a bad way to go at all. That's about the only good thing about someone dying of a opiate OD, you know they went out feeling great. As a child/teenager/young adult, I had this notion that a heroin OD was a violent, painful death, but I know now that that's the farthest from the truth. Rio, yeah 90 might be pushing it. Maybe 80? 75? I'll know when it feels right.
I had an absolutely TERRIBLE weekend.
Sigh, well the bf and I...he and I are not in a great place after the weekend. He and I had a VERY bad fight sat night...the worst we've ever had. And I won't lie, it was alcohol fueled for sure. After a long day of drinking at the Halloween parade and the concert, I lost my wallet which turned into a major fight in the parking lot of the concert and I stormed off. After 5 min of calming myself down, I tried to find him bc I was drunk and in the middle of downtown alone and lost but he wouldn't come find me. I dropped my phone, shattering the screen so I couldn't call anyone or an uber or anything. He ended up getting an uber back to my home and leaving me. Luckily I found one of my friends (who was so high on acid he barely knew what was going on) and he helped me get home. I was so mad at him for leaving me downtown in that condition, I was seeing red and came back screaming at him. It proceeded to get worse back at my house after the show. He tried to break up with me and leave (driving drunk as shit, mind you) and I hid his keys to prevent that from happening which really set him off. He tossed my house looking for them and called the cops on me for taking his stuff. It was absolutely ridiculous. I will admit that I started the fight, but he got angry and out of control in response to me and I think that calling the police was incredibly overreacting. I gave him his keys back before the police even showed up but, as predicted, they still butted their heads in our business and took his side. One of the officers threatened to take me to jail for felony theft (stealing his car keys= stealing his car he insisted) and even though my bf asked them not to and said he wouldn't press charges, he almost took me in anyways (claims him making the call was enough for an arrest and we could "work it out in the courts"). I had bowls and bong in my house (and weed, which was bfs..and he hid it before the cops came thankfully) and I could've been taken in for paraphernalia and/or drugs. Even though he and I were clearly fighting outrageously, the police still didn't make him leave or make sure he left...he ended up sleeping in his car till 5am and going home. Also, my best guy friend was there through the whole thing (and defending me bc my bf was so angry he was scaring both of us...we thought he would hurt me) so now, I'm sure, he's probably going to tell everyone in our friend group what happened. My neighbors also saw the cops and came out stuck their noses in our business too, so I'm like so embarrassed even in my own home now. When I called him yesterday (I had another old phone at home and stuck my sim in), he didn't think he did anything wrong. He blamed everything on me. I was so upset...here I was in a tossed home, almost arrested, and heartbroken but I was to blame? I will admit I lost my temper horribly, but I was drunk (not to excuse anything) and I definitely apologized for it and the part I played in our fight, like hiding his keys (he was drunk and I didn't want him to drive 45 min in his sports car that wasted and that angry)and coming back so mad at him, but I thought being left downtown was grounds for such anger. I overreatced to the situation, apparently he found out my friend had found me before he officially hopped n the uber, but I didn't know that...i thought he had left. Anyways, it was bad. The angriest he and I have ever been to one another and, with the cops being called, def the most amount of drama. He didn't lay a hand on me, but he throughly verbally abused me and even threw a drink (coca cola) on me at one point when I refused to give him his keys back. It was shockingly ridiculous.
I'm not, and we're not, the kind of people who get into fights like that. Police, tearing my home apart, throwing drinks on me...all of this was a first. He and I do not fight everytime we drink, but everytime we fight like that, alcohol is a factor...and not a small amount. It's really making me rethink our drinking, mine is particular, because when I'm that drunk, I get absolutely irrational. I'm generally a happy, fun drunk, but I become even more sensitive and "triggered" (I hate that word) by certain things a lot easier than I would sober. He's not a mean drunk, but alcohol amplifies his personalty as well...he likes to argue (he calls it "debating) and he is stubborn and he is incredibly blunt and he becomes even more so when drunk and says things to me that hurt my feelings and i get way more upset than I probably should which leads to a fight over dumb shit. Since getting back together in July, we've only had one other fight similar (but not even close to as bad) to this, but I thought we were doing well. He and I talked for a long time yesterday, especially after the initial anger both of us had towards one another (still in the morning) had subsided. Like I said, he's stubborn, and for awhile yesterday I kept getting "I'm sorry, but"'s. I did apologize for my role in everything and told him I wasn't blaming him for everything, but he needed to apologize for throwing a drink on me, on losing his shit in anger, and for calling the cops/tossing my house. He still refuses to apologize for the police/house tossing bc he thinks me hiding his keys made it justified...we agreed to disagree there (With how police are, especially in this day and age, I don't think it's right to call the police on ANYONE for ANYTHING unless they are physically hurting someone or actively robbing/raping me or something, people get killed and locked up for nothing these days...its a good thing I'm white). But, he did eventually say he was sorry for a lot of the things he did (as did I, as I've already said). I have no problem admitting I did things wrong, but he did too and it's not fair for him to blame me for the entire encounter...we both played a role in escalating it to the point it got to. I told him, "look, you may be mad at me for what I did, and I'm sorry for it. But I am angry for what you did too and I also deserve an apology. My bad behavior doesn't make yours ok!". That was the rationale that made him finally apologize sincerely.
Despite us calming down and apologizing, I don't know where that leaves us. We love each other dearly, but that kind of fighting is NOT ok. I'm not the kind of girl who gets into "white trash lawn fights" (as I call them) where the neighbors are woken up and cops are called...that really just isn't my style...but he and I are NOT great when we both get worked up. We're both stubborn as shit and neither of us will back down during a fight and admit defeat. We just get each other more and more worked up. His solution is to always leave, which I hate...I hate being left (i have abandonment issues and him threatening to leave, always with a "we're done" thrown on top of it, to make me feel even more scared about him leaving) and then I get desperate to make him stay and work things out with me so I don't have to be left broken hearted, alone, and so upset I'm beside myself in my home. The only solution I can see to this not happening again is to just let him leave when he gets that mad and let him deal with the consequences of driving drunk and livid 45 miles back to his home. I told him he needed to stop threatening to break up with me whenever he was mad at me. I have abandonment issues and that's a major trigger for me to start acting desperate and borderline "crazy". But, we don't know. He's acting like everything is fine and back to normal today, woke up to a bunch of hearts and a "i love you" in my texts this morning, but I'm still pretty upset about how everything went down. This can't happen again. He scared me for the first time in our entire relationship. I told him that and he assured me he would never ever lay a hand on me and that it bothered him I would even think that about him, but I was scared and that feeling still really really bothers me today. It also breaks my heart because my family all lives so far away and I feel like he's all I have here in the city, and now I feel like he's not the safe, supportive man I thought he was. He assures me he is, he just lost his temper, but I'm still feeling bothered. I was so upset and exhausted yesterday, I barely left the bed so my home is still all torn up. Waking up today and seeing the huge mess (a mess made after i woke up extra early sat morning and spent 4 hours cleaning bc messes stress me out and i knew we'd be busy all weekend so I wanted to get everything taken care of before the festivities) just brought all then negative feelings back. He claims we played equal parts in the shit storm of sat night but I'M the one with the trashed house, I'M the one who's gonna have to feel judged by my neighbors, and I'M the one who was *this close* to going to jail for nothing (and for a felony meaning I would've been in there for weeks and in horrible methadone withdrawal). And he STILL says all of those things are MY FAULT, that I "forced his hand" in trashing my house, calling the cops, etc bc I hid his keys from him. I told him his actions were his decision, not mine. At one point, I locked myself in my roommates room (he wasn't home this night), told him to leave me alone and go to bed. He could've just layed down and tried to work things out with me rationally in the am, but he threw a tantrum bc he wasn't getting his way.
Anyways, sorry for the novel today, guys, this just was a pretty bad thing to have happen. I know I played a large role in how everything went down, but I'm still so hurt from everything that happened. I'll type more later, I'm exhausted and have a lot of emails to catch up on at work from the weekend. YAY!
Hope all are well and I hope I will be too, soon.