Call Me"PRIEST"
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Nov 5, 2010
- Messages
- 111
i figured i would make a post about what my day is like being that i got myself addicted to heroin and i am trying, again, to get clean. my intentions are that hopefully someone that is thinking about using heroin might read this and see what becoming an addict is really like and they might think otherwise before trying it.
as i posted before, i've been a heroin addict for over 6 years. most recently i was clean for over a year and a few weeks ago i relapsed. currently i am trying to get and stay clean. i go to see a therapist and drug counselor and i also take suboxone to help curb my cravings.
well with that out of the way let me tell you what a day in the life is all about. yesterday i knew i was going to get paid some money someone owed me. being a junkie i usually give all my money to my wife and let her give it to me as needed or else i would spend it all on H. with this in mind i only took my morning dose of suboxone yesterday hoping that i would be able to use today. i woke up very early today with the anticipation of using. i was feeling a little sick since it was about 24 hours since my last dose of subs. usually if i don't take sub for 18-24 hours i start getting dope sick. but sometimes when you are an addict one of the best feelings is using when you are sick and getting relief, if only for a brief moment. i really want to stop using but the power of my addiction is stronger than my desire to be clean. i tell myself that since i don't use everyday that i'm getting better. my addiction will always come up with excuses to use, and no matter how much i know it is wrong in everyway i continue to use. it's like i have no choice.
so it's monday morning, i pick up my money and head over the bridge to the city where i score. i have 2 phone numbers that i use to buy. usually if i can't get someone on 1 line i can get the other line. right now the first number has the best dope and they operate 24/7. so i get into the city and call the first number. i'm sweating and feel generally icky because dope sickness is setting in. i get the dreaded voicemail on line 1. wich is unusual since the are always on. i wait 10 mins and call back, and again VM. so i breakdown and call the second number....same thing VM. now i start getting nervous, which adds to my uncomfotability. i don't know how long it's going to be before i can reach either number. it's the worst feeling in the world to be dope sick and not know when you are going to be able to score. i call every 15 mins for an hour and a half. finally almost 2 hours goes by and i get a call back from the 2nd line. we setup a place to meet in 15 mins and i get there. it's not the dope i want but at this point i need something before my stomach just gives out.
so i'm wating at the spot and 30 mins goes by....i call him and he says he is pulling up right now and hangs up. 20 mins later he finally arrives. it's been well over 2 hours since i got to the city but it feels like 2 days. he gets in and i make a purchase...he even throws a bag in for free.
i speed off to the nearest parking lot, i dump 3 bags into the spoon and put the water in. the dope i get is like powder so i don't heat it. how many people heat powder type of H before they injec? i think too many. anyway, i draw the brown liquid into the needle, pull up my sleeve, hit a vein on the first try and it registers. i plunge the needle down and within seconds i feel a warm rush. instantly all the symptoms i was suffering minutes before dissolve away. then i start feeling the rush taking over a bit and i get nervous that i did too much. i start to fall out and look around to see if anyone was around to help. luckily i only fell oput for a few moments, but i sat there for a few minutes really out of it and not knowing exactly where i was or what i was doing. then i went through the drive-thru of the place i was at.
even though i got exactly what i wanted the ride home was terrible. i feel so incredibly guilty for what i did. i really could have used the money for something else. i felt guilty that i lied to my wife about where i was. and i felt guilty for myself for what i did. it's at that moment that i felt all my failures.
here i was, smart enough to know that what i was doing was wrong on every level. yet as wrong as it was i still did it. i really want to stop using but i can't.
has anyone else ever gone through this? if so how did you really stop? i want to know why i can't stop using. have i really damaged myself so much that i will never be able to stop. is it going to take an overdose or a jail sentence to get me to quit? i'm thankful that there is medication like suboxone that helps me curb my cravings but it doesn't seem to stop them completely. currently i take 2mgs in the morning and 2mgs in the evening. would it help me to increase my suboxone dosage to 8mgs a day?
i guess the moral of the story is, if you are curious about using heroin or other opiates and you don't have a habit i suggest getting another hobby. i never thought this ould happen to me, but opiates are much bigger than i could ever imagine......they really take you over and you have no say.
as i posted before, i've been a heroin addict for over 6 years. most recently i was clean for over a year and a few weeks ago i relapsed. currently i am trying to get and stay clean. i go to see a therapist and drug counselor and i also take suboxone to help curb my cravings.
well with that out of the way let me tell you what a day in the life is all about. yesterday i knew i was going to get paid some money someone owed me. being a junkie i usually give all my money to my wife and let her give it to me as needed or else i would spend it all on H. with this in mind i only took my morning dose of suboxone yesterday hoping that i would be able to use today. i woke up very early today with the anticipation of using. i was feeling a little sick since it was about 24 hours since my last dose of subs. usually if i don't take sub for 18-24 hours i start getting dope sick. but sometimes when you are an addict one of the best feelings is using when you are sick and getting relief, if only for a brief moment. i really want to stop using but the power of my addiction is stronger than my desire to be clean. i tell myself that since i don't use everyday that i'm getting better. my addiction will always come up with excuses to use, and no matter how much i know it is wrong in everyway i continue to use. it's like i have no choice.
so it's monday morning, i pick up my money and head over the bridge to the city where i score. i have 2 phone numbers that i use to buy. usually if i can't get someone on 1 line i can get the other line. right now the first number has the best dope and they operate 24/7. so i get into the city and call the first number. i'm sweating and feel generally icky because dope sickness is setting in. i get the dreaded voicemail on line 1. wich is unusual since the are always on. i wait 10 mins and call back, and again VM. so i breakdown and call the second number....same thing VM. now i start getting nervous, which adds to my uncomfotability. i don't know how long it's going to be before i can reach either number. it's the worst feeling in the world to be dope sick and not know when you are going to be able to score. i call every 15 mins for an hour and a half. finally almost 2 hours goes by and i get a call back from the 2nd line. we setup a place to meet in 15 mins and i get there. it's not the dope i want but at this point i need something before my stomach just gives out.
so i'm wating at the spot and 30 mins goes by....i call him and he says he is pulling up right now and hangs up. 20 mins later he finally arrives. it's been well over 2 hours since i got to the city but it feels like 2 days. he gets in and i make a purchase...he even throws a bag in for free.
i speed off to the nearest parking lot, i dump 3 bags into the spoon and put the water in. the dope i get is like powder so i don't heat it. how many people heat powder type of H before they injec? i think too many. anyway, i draw the brown liquid into the needle, pull up my sleeve, hit a vein on the first try and it registers. i plunge the needle down and within seconds i feel a warm rush. instantly all the symptoms i was suffering minutes before dissolve away. then i start feeling the rush taking over a bit and i get nervous that i did too much. i start to fall out and look around to see if anyone was around to help. luckily i only fell oput for a few moments, but i sat there for a few minutes really out of it and not knowing exactly where i was or what i was doing. then i went through the drive-thru of the place i was at.
even though i got exactly what i wanted the ride home was terrible. i feel so incredibly guilty for what i did. i really could have used the money for something else. i felt guilty that i lied to my wife about where i was. and i felt guilty for myself for what i did. it's at that moment that i felt all my failures.
here i was, smart enough to know that what i was doing was wrong on every level. yet as wrong as it was i still did it. i really want to stop using but i can't.
has anyone else ever gone through this? if so how did you really stop? i want to know why i can't stop using. have i really damaged myself so much that i will never be able to stop. is it going to take an overdose or a jail sentence to get me to quit? i'm thankful that there is medication like suboxone that helps me curb my cravings but it doesn't seem to stop them completely. currently i take 2mgs in the morning and 2mgs in the evening. would it help me to increase my suboxone dosage to 8mgs a day?
i guess the moral of the story is, if you are curious about using heroin or other opiates and you don't have a habit i suggest getting another hobby. i never thought this ould happen to me, but opiates are much bigger than i could ever imagine......they really take you over and you have no say.
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