TDS 6 months pregnant recovering addict/ spousal abuse

[Bambooshoot]

Hey guys. Been a looong time since I posted.
I'm going to try shortn this as much as possible for you guys. I really need some advice and another perspective on my situation.

I am a recovering heroin/crack addict. I was addicted to shooting snowballs got so bad I done 6 weeks in jail for shoplifting to fund my addictioni.
Since coming out in Feburary I started on Subutex which worked wonders for me. Better than I could have ever imagined. I became stable on 12mg as soon as I started on it. ( had a court order to be drug tested but wanted to stop myself just as much)
I've been homeless since coming out living in B'n'Bs (halfway houses) until I can get a council house. In one of these I met my current partner. Instant attraction. But he did not use either of my DOC so for me was perfect, it made me embarrased about it.
I did continue to use crack (secretly) though. Smoking and injecting. He is by no means anti-drugs. At the time used a lot of speed and weed.
2 months in I find out I am pregnant. I was absulutley over the moon as I lost a baby at 19. The minute I found out I stopped EVERYTHING. I've reduced from 12 to 6mg of subs and hope to get down to 2 if possibe by the time I have my wee one.
There have been some warning signs for a while about my partner. Though he seems over the moon about my pregnancy he is very contolling and jealous all the usual red flags. But like most of us we see what we want to see.
I am currently supporting us both. He is under a lot of pressure after just finding out his mother is dying. I do understand this.
I am now 6 months pregnant and last night for the first time he put his hands on me. He has scared me before in fights throwing stuff and threating to kill me but last night he choked me. I was terrified.
I'm re.ally trying to stay stong because all that matters is my baby boy inside me. But jesus I am so close to relapsing I can feel it.
Luckily today he is out on some job. This morning he was crying about what he done last night the cut his wrist....
Fuck me I know all these things are major red flags but a) im terrified of leaving him and b) Im 6 months pregnant and I dont know if I can do this alone..

Guys if any of you have any similar experiences any advice would be much appriciated. As I'm totally lost right now.
Thanks for taking the time.

~Bamboo

(please excuse spelling and punctuation, I've not gone back to check, he will be back soon)

 

[Xorkoth]

You need to get away from this guy, that is the most important thing of all. People yell in relationships, it's to be expected during fights, but threatening to kill you is NOT normal and is a huge red flag, you should be afraid that he will some day actually follow through with this. And now that he's choked you... it will only escalate from here, for sure, you can bet on it. Most men would never dream of choking their partner, let alone while she's pregnant. And it would be naive to think he won't eventually abuse your child(ren) too. There is no way it will not get worse, you really should get out now before something much worse happens. Even the stress from this now is terrible for you and your baby... if he goes farther next time he could physically hurt the baby. I know it's scary, and you're having his child, but it's better for you to raise this child on your own than to have his "help". Especially if you're already financially supporting this guy. Honestly he sounds like a total scumbag.

Plus, for yourself and your child, think about how the stress of this is making you want to relapse badly. If you stay with him you'll have to always live with that. Even if you never actually relapse, think of how terrible that will be to live with. And if you do relapse, and the only way you can deal is with drugs... well, then your baby will have two junky parents.

I know it's scary but you've got to be realistic and honest with yourself right now. I think you know someone was going to say this and that's why you posted this... I'm sure someone else will chime in with resources that are available to you to help you.

You should get out of that situation, and then focus on yourself and your child, be healthy, gain strength, get past your addictions for a while. Then you'll start to attract better people and hopefully you can find someone who will actually treat you and your child well and that you're not afraid of, and who will be a partner for you financially and otherwise. I'm a man but I was in an abusive relationship with a woman for 12 years, from when I was 18. It occasionally got physical but since I was larger than her it wasn't too bad, but she did threaten to kill me with a knife once. Mostly it was emotional abuse/controlling/etc, also she wouldn't work and contribute, she always had a reason, too, but ultimately it was bullshit. I couldn't imagine not being with her, it was like Stockholm syndrome, I'd always make excuses to everyone for her. I even convinced myself it was normal. But it wasn't. When I finally left her, a year later I met someone who is wonderful, it's been over 3 years and we haven't even gotten in a fight, she respects me and treats me well and vice versa, we have lots of fun and are really close. I didn't even know such a thing existed, but it does. Someone far, far better is out there for you but you'll never find that person if this guy is keeping you for himself.

Good luck, I'm sorry you have to deal with a person like this.

 

[herbavore]

Hey Bamboshoot--I'm in agreement with everything that Xorkoth said: you need to get out now. Attraction should not be confused with love and violence should not be confused with arguing or fighting. You are in a very dangerous situation and even the stress you are feeling when things have cooled down can affect your baby. Please tell someone in your life--whether that be a friend or family member, what is going on. If you have no one in your life like that you should tell a social worker or counselor or even the court. You need emotional support and a place to stay. Look what you did when you found out you were pregnant--you stopped everything! That is amazing and yet you did it. It was the first act of selflessness that you will be called to do as a mother and you rose to the occasion heroically. Now you need to act just as decisively and clearly to protect yourself your baby as well.

I am truly sorry for both you and your partner. I know how awful this must feel to you to have to deal with all this while you are also dealing with all the preparations of becoming a mother. Just be careful and try to stay away from direct confrontation with him as you arrange a place to go. Lots of women talk themselves into believing they deserve violent treatment. You do not. Your innocent baby does not. A man who would use violence against the mother of his child is a man with many problems to solve. You cannot help him do this even though he may try to convince you that you can and you may be lured into believing it, too. He needs to do this for himself. If, in the future he has truly dealt with his demons he can think about being a father to his child, but right now you must take the lead and protect this new person that is coming into the world.

Please keep us posted as to how everything is going. If you ever want to ask anything or even just chat, please feel free to PM me. I'm happy for you and also worried for you. You needn't feel all alone in this. People care. I care.

 

[pharmacybandit]

I second the others, get out now. I am not the type of person to suggest leaving at the first sign of rocky waters, but I promise you this will not end well. He may gonyears without abusing you again, but there is a very high chance that he will again. And it will likely become routine. And then he’ll probably eventually become violent with the child. It’s hard to think and accept these things but you have to put little one first. Good luck, mama. Babies are amazing and life changing, so make sure you make a good choices.

 

[Mafioso]

Yeah I would echo most of what has been said already.

I would emphasize that you are a victim in the situation, even if you feel to some degree that you provoked him. You are not responsible for his emotions and his actions. We are all responsible for our own emotions and actions, we can not control the actions of others. His anger and actions are not the result of your inadequacy and they will not be solved or fixed by you. Although you might feel guilty, it isn't justified. Ultimately he needs to take responsibility for his actions and emotions, as do all of us. Things like self-harm are a sign of guilt, but they are not a healthy way of managing such emotions.

I hope you are able to shift your focus onto yourself and your future child and do what is in the best interest for your personal health and that of your unborn child. Ultimately your child's health depends on your health, protect your child and take care of yourself the best that you can. I can imagine the emotional struggle you must be going through, but I would think that using is only going to add to your emotional turmoil, piling on guilt and frustrations. Emotions are not permanent.

I watched my mom blame herself for my dad's anger for my whole life while I was growing up. She finally got the courage to leave him once my siblings and I were out of the house, but I still think she holds a lot of guilt about the situation. I tell her all the time that the problems my dad creates are not her fault and without my dad willing, there is nothing she can do to help resolve the issues. Even if he was willing to change, it is not her responsibility or obligation to help.

 

[ElleAZ]

You call the police and look for a battered women's shelter. They generally have information about how to pull your life together.

There is no love where there is violence and jealousy. There is no room for these games when you are a mother. Nothing matters but getting you and your child to health and safety. He is responsible for himself and his dramas will never justify harming a pregnant woman.

If you weren't under his spell, what would you think of a man who did that? What would you tell a friend in this situation? Your feelings for him are based on your desires, not his value. You obviously have a vision of him that does not match up with the reality. Perhaps you have low self esteem because of the choices that you made and the horrors that you have participated in and seen. But that shit is over now. Put it in the past. Do you understand? It's self-abuse to keep yourself in a violent relationship because you don't want to break your own heart.

You can turn your life around. Disappear. You need to give yourself permission to have a healthy life. Staying with him, especially now that he has the excuse of a dying mother, puts you and your child in imminent danger. I have four children. There will be many times ahead when you need to make difficult decisions as a parent. THIS IS YOUR FIRST ONE. What world are you going to bring that innocent child into?

 

[Tubbs]

As everyone else has said you need to get away from him. His behavior sounds very much like he's trying to gaslight you, he'll treat you like shit, be violent and abusive, he'll swear he'll be better and he will for a little while. Then it'll happen again, and again, and again until in your mind any small good gesture he makes will be the greatest thing in the world. Get away now it'll be a lot harder later

 

[Bambooshoot]

As everyone else has said you need to get away from him. His behavior sounds very much like he's trying to gaslight you, he'll treat you like shit, be violent and abusive, he'll swear he'll be better and he will for a little while. Then it'll happen again, and again, and again until in your mind any small good gesture he makes will be the greatest thing in the world. Get away now it'll be a lot harder later

s.
Guys thank you so much for your thoughtfull replys. A lot of what you said just echoed what I think I already knew.ou But when you are told orange is actually red for so long you start to beileve it.... I'm sick and tired of being a fucking "victim" I hate that word and I hate the helplessness that comes along with it. Ive been a "victim" far too much in my life. No not any more. So the word Imma use is "survival expert" because by now at age 26 I think I can claim that title.
I have been offered a flat and can move in at the weekend. I'm now trying to figure out how to do this without taking him with me. As we are both in this temp flat together. He knows that I'm finished with him but I'm positive he thinks he will be able to talk me around to taking him with me by that time....
But there is no way. the deciding factor was the night after what had happened he begged me to have him sleep in the same bed. I wasnt ready to go to sleep he threw a tanrum and I eventually went to bed at about 4am. He was awake. He though I had fallen asleep. as I was laying there he started touching me. He ended up having sex with me while I "slept" I was awake the whole time but just couldnt do or say anything. I just pretended to sleep....
That is the kind of respect I'm getting from the father of my child. no no no way. I'm totally done. . But he is a very dangerous guy so I'm having to sweet talk him until I can get out..
Unfortunatley he knows where this new flat is and I worry about him stalking me. then run like the if I have to I will go down the legal route if I have to . I guess I knew the answer to this question before I even asked it but I needed to hear it from an outsider.

Thank you guys. You are giving me the strength to do what I need to do for me and my baby boy.

~Bamboo

(again spelling and puntuation apologies he smashed this laptop so can only partially see the screen)

``

 

[Xorkoth]

Good for you for deciding to get away from this guy. It makes me feel sick to even hear your story, especially as you've added more detail. Do you have any family or friends who could take you in temporarily? To be honest I think you should be afraid that he knows your new address. Who knows what this guy is capable of. Maybe there is even a battered women's shelter or something? I think you need to go somewhere he doesn't know about if at all possible. How does he know about the new place? Honestly the best thing you could have done is let him think everything is going along as normal and then one day when he's gone, leave without telling him, and without him knowing where you went. It sounds like you can't do that now, but maybe you can sort of do that still? At least actually leave when he's not there so he can't try to come with you or force you to bring him. I'm worried about you living alone with this guy knowing where you are. From your descriptions thus far, I've got to imagine he could be capable of just about anything. As you say, he's dangerous. "Sweet talking" him now is definitely a good idea, try to avoid confrontation with him at all costs. If he thinks you're really leaving him, he's likely to react more intensely than ever before.

Take care and be careful... there may be social services available to you.

 

[Mafioso]

Good to hear you are taking a stand. And also very cool to hear you are having a boy!

It's disgusting that some people have to live in fear because of bad relationships.. if he really cared about you the way he seems to claim you wouldn't be afraid of him. The behavior you describe is that of someone who is very sick emotionally and mentally disturbed. He sounds extremely unstable.

Given everything you have mentioned... I really think you should contact the police. I am not a huge fan of the legal system by any means, but in this case.. I would say use any available resource. It sounds like there is potential danger and threat of physical violence. You shouldn't have to let fear be the deciding factor of whether or not he is in your life.. that is just crazy and sad. If you were to get a restraining order and he was caught stalking you he could be charged. Even if you didn't press charges, at least there will be a report on file so if something else was to happen you could easily get a restraining order. Protect yourself, take care.

I hope things get better for you, keep us posted.

 

[Tubbs]

That depends on what state your in. To my memory here in illinois anymore it is very difficult to get an order of protection.

 

[Mafioso]

Yeah that's true, but even if there is no court order the first time, having something on record will help to build a case.

 

[Tubbs]

Yeah every incident helps build a case.

 

[Bambooshoot]

Thanks again you guys for the support. I was supposed to go and sign the papers for the new flat today but after careful consideration I decided I cannot take it. I love this guy more than I can express and it is breaking my heart having to do this. But today I informed staff here where we are living of the situation its temp supported homless accomodation and they told me because of what Ive told them he will have to pack his bags and leave tonight. I feel really terrible he has no where to go at all and regardless of what he done I don't want to see him on the street in the middle of winter. But I have made the first step for me and my baby. The first is always the hardest.. I am now allowed to stay here until I am offered another flat. It's pretty safe here he could not get in unless staff buzzed him in. which they wouldnt.... He knows all my daily routines. Like the pharmacy I go to every day. But one step at a time. I really did not think I was strong enough to do this but Leon (my baby boy) is all the strength I need. Again thank you everybody for your thoughtfull and encouraging replys.

~Bamboo

 

[herbavore]

Bamboo, I know how much courage this took. You are on the right path for you and Leon (I love the name!). Right now would be a very good time for you to find a support group. There may even be specific support groups for mothers-to-be. Having other women in your life that not only understand where you are coming from but where you are trying to go can be very empowering. Look up local resources for domestic violence prevention and treatment and you may find some leads on support services. One of the most important things to come out of your heroic decision to protect yourself and your son will be that your son does not come into a world where he sees your ex-partner's behavior as acceptable. Breaking this cycle (perhaps your partner saw this as a child himself) is important from the first moments of life. Even in the womb developing babies hear the voices and sounds around them. They experience the fear you feel when you feel it and the calm you feel as well. If you can take small moments for yourself throughout the day where you can just breathe deeply and let your baby know that you are keeping him safe and keeping yourself safe and that everything will be OK, both you and your baby will benefit.

 

[Unregi]

Thanks again you guys for the support. I was supposed to go and sign the papers for the new flat today but after careful consideration I decided I cannot take it. I love this guy more than I can express and it is breaking my heart having to do this. But today I informed staff here where we are living of the situation its temp supported homless accomodation and they told me because of what Ive told them he will have to pack his bags and leave tonight. I feel really terrible he has no where to go at all and regardless of what he done I don't want to see him on the street in the middle of winter. But I have made the first step for me and my baby. The first is always the hardest.. I am now allowed to stay here until I am offered another flat. It's pretty safe here he could not get in unless staff buzzed him in. which they wouldnt.... He knows all my daily routines. Like the pharmacy I go to every day. But one step at a time. I really did not think I was strong enough to do this but Leon (my baby boy) is all the strength I need. Again thank you everybody for your thoughtfull and encouraging replys.

~Bamboo

So proud of you girl. Like you said one day at a time, some times one hour, some times one minute. You can do it, YOU just must believe! Hang in there & keep posting.