holographics
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Feb 12, 2019
- Messages
- 1
Hard to know where to start. I just want to put this out there. My identity and everything I know is based around using drugs. Since I was 10 it was smoking weed and drinking, 13 popping pills, just kept going. Eventually graduated to meth at 20, started to hate it, and about a year ago started getting H off the DNMs. Had never used a needle before but started. That went on for a while, I was holding a full time job I loved and I was using to keep bad anxiety away. Life was going really good, I was happy all the time because I could use, I had an awesome girl that has been with me since we were both 16. I'm 26 years old now. Anyway I've been on probation for 4 years. I got about a violation every year, it wasn't for failing UAs because I had an awesome PO who i think only tested me twice over this 4 year period. When I started on probation I was a deadbeat drunk methhead. I stopped that "societally bad" shit, straightened up, got out of my comfort zone and found a good job and she was very happy about that. She even said she didn't care if I was using drugs as long as I held that job. That was awesome. I ended up forgetting I was even on probation. But she moved away and my case got handed to this new by the book kid. Anyway I started ordering shit off the dark net. The first few batches were meh and we were doing it IV. I had a milligram scale I would weigh all of our doses out on. I remember getting this bad batch that started this whole drug court thing. It seemed like any other batch and of course I was going to start small and work up. I put 20 milligrams on the scale and made a shot for me and my girl. It hit me with no euphoria, just a down xanned out feeling. I was fine, but I walked in to check on her 2 minutes later and she was face down on the bed not breathing. Her face was totally blue. I had narcan in the house somewhere but I wasn't going to stop doing CPR to save her. The first thing I did was call 911. I just needed that narcan to come NOW. Doing CPR put some oxygen into her lungs and her face cleared up. Here in Minnesota you cant get any new charges resulting from an OD emergency call, but I knew this new PO was going to flip. He showed up the next day and gave me a saliva test that I somehow passed. At this point any sane human would stop injecting deadly shit into themselves but I kept going. Even though I knew he was going to UA me on his next opportunity. But fuck it I didn't want to w/d at work. Yeah, he UA'd me a few days later and I got a probation violation and got put on Wabasha County Substance Abuse Court. This is 18 months minimum of UA's twice a week as well as 2 in person groups a week, 3 months of outpatient treatment, and mental health therapy. Now not only am I pissed about having to give sobriety a shot for the very first time in my life. My only saving grace is I am prescribed lorazepam so I can fail for any benzo with no problem - unless they send it to get analyzed. I know they eventually will but I can't stand the idea of stopping using just something. I went in for a UA yesterday and failed for alcohol. I thought it was out of your system within 48 hrs but I guess they have one that can test for 7 days. So now I can't even drink. If I fail 3, I'm kicked out of the program and get sent to prison for 244 days. I don't see a way I can make it through this realistically. I'm such a bad addict I can't function raw-dogging reality. I need something to keep the anxiety away. So I guess my current plan is to talk to my psychiatrist and get my dose upped because she only gives me 10- .5mg lorazepams a MONTH. That would be the only way I feel like I can make it through this year and a half. I already ordered some etizolam too. If I can sneak by with those two I can make it, but I'm just really feeling like there's no way I can make it a year and a half sober.
