36 clean did PW i needed it now
- Thread starter Trying123
- Start date
BadBoy377
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Apr 9, 2023
- Messages
- 668
How you feeling now.
BadBoy377
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Apr 9, 2023
- Messages
- 668
Try and focus on your breathing and do some box breathing. In four the count of four, hold for four, breath out for four, wait for four then restart.
You're mine will wander but just bring it back to your breathe. How your chest and abdomen feels. The feeling of the air going in and out.
Eventually the panic will pass. Stay strong
You're mine will wander but just bring it back to your breathe. How your chest and abdomen feels. The feeling of the air going in and out.
Eventually the panic will pass. Stay strong
Sorry, rough nights.
Thanks for all replies.
Doing great now.
Weak,dehydrated, but doing all right things +,
gonna make this long, detailed..
May be little out of order, I have little adhd. And ocd....
Hoping to give hope to others...
PLEASE...PLEASE...PLEASE..
DO NOT TAKE MY APPROACH. EVER.
WORK WITH DR. OR SOMEONE. !!!
I DON'T KNOW HOW/WHY I'M STILL ALIVE.
Someone, SOMETHING !!!, must think I still have some good to do here.
My ONLY possible explanation.
PLEASE, don't rely on that alone.
I wasn't suicidal. I just thought, KNEW...
I wanted more from life.
I Didn't think of the huge risks I took, or the other outcome. DEATH ! ! !
Man... was I stupid.
But grateful.
As for breathing, and panic attacks.
Learned I had to slow down breathes, but took a few times to figure that out.
thanks for the box count. Major difference.
1st few times.... (3) in 1 week..
911, ER, 4am ish. JUGULAR vein, FORCED by Dr's, IV.
NOT FUN
Couple scares since, But, got it down.
Getting better.
Realized... (afterwards)
Came across bad H/Fent, last few uses, but that gone, done with now.
plus.
I already knew.
Just too stubborn to admit defeat, as a addict always does...
3 or 4 Newport 100s cogs, In a row..
Is NOT good.
My dumb ass did it again tnite.
NOW... I remember NO ! 1 only.....
Second my nerves calm, I realize I'm stable on meds.. which is about now.
I'm done smoking too.
I want to live AGAIN ! ! ! Feel alive.
Weed only, when I don't need to think, lol.
For Jeff Beck time only.
Picked up guitars again.
One of my loves.
Other love is
Walleye fishing, then any fishing.
Trophy size are slamming right now.
7 days away. 3 hr drive to Greenbay, few days
Hoping buddy goes. His boat ready.
Mine ?? Possible, still under tarps.
But, NEVER count me out, when fishing.
I've pulled off the impossible, many times.
Mid May - mid Oct, just under 100 days on the boat. 200 miles from home.
Home, Work 3, drove 3 hrs,, fish 5-7 days.
Rinse, repeat.
Also, learning, hydration has been biggest problem.
Nephew is pro trainer at gym, he helping me.
Staying very positive.
Trying to work a little..
I'm my own, 911 breakdown service for any n all building maintenance. Gas stations, land lords, rich customers are best...lol
Been down all week,
Now, work 2 hrs a day, getting used to it again.
PS...
NEVER NEVRR, again...
Force yourself into PW, that fast...
I faught Satin for 6+ hrs, in a trance.
Dropped 30lbs, in 3 days.
Worst 36, 48 hrs, EVER. x's 20
N I been thru some rough WD..b4.
$300/day habit, go to jail...no help...WD.
I'm going to keep posting, as time allows.
You've all helped me before.
Hopefully, this gives hope to others.
Quick history... NOT ! ! !
But very true.
10,12 yr old.. beers, snuck to me by others.
15, 16, own car, job,...
Alcohol, weed, lsd, shrooms, coccaine, heavy use, extremely,.. of all... kill a person extreme.
I needed to find extreme limit with all.
Just for my satisfaction.
2 packs, Marlboro reds, a day...
1, 5th Jack Daniel's, plus... nightly. Whatever.
Mixed all drugs, took all to limit and past.
22, mainly coke. Up to 1000.. night.
26, freebase, same $$$$...met wrong girls..
1997... 27, met girl, tooted H, tar (dorman)..
Only 2 weeks before needles...
Managed great job, big money, til business closed.
sold, lost everything, lost family...
-15° winters under bridges, 3 years.
1999, 29..Lived on strip, w/ girls, barley alive.
Jails, streets,bridges, abandons.., shared rent, when we could.
2003.. 90 day jail AA.
Out for 2 days, back with ex...same old..
2010...friend, user.., dad took me fishing a week. Drove 200 miles, 3 times, back n forth, to re cop...,
Remembered how I loved fishing and outdoors....
He saved my life ! ! !
Tried, tried, tried...
2019, met awesome Dr.
On got on Bupes, after 3 months of trying..
Had 15,16 months clean.
Best years of my life.
Started business, did 1000%%%...great.
2020, Covid lock down. .
Let local cutie bartender stay at my place.
She was young... she shot H, and smoked rocks. I knew..
Thought I was strong enough.. wrong.
Went back with my ex..
Same old story...
Brings us to present.
Managed to hold onto house, business, life, barley...
5 days ago..
Had to pull tarp, crawl in boat for ???
Sun hit my face....
I broke down crying, 15 minutes.
WHY.. WHY ain't I out fishing!!!
Called Dr. Got new script.
Yes, on a Sunday Night.
He cares that much about his patients.
Always had almost.. 24hr personal cell #.
Did twice what I usually snort of H/Fent.
As an addict. I wanted to (think) I felt it, just 1 more time.
Live alone. Me n dog. House.
My mistake..told no one I was doing that...
Stared $300 of H in Face, said NO MORE.
I want to live again.... feel alive.
Locked myself in bathroom.
Started 4mg bupe, hourly. Til 24mg.
Woke up about 6 hrs later.
Bloody knuckles from punching devil. (Tile walls). 6 hr trance. Blackout.
Bruised arms, legs, body...
About 36hrs later...
Started able to move from bathroom, barley function.
Somehow... managed to love dog enough, crawl, let him out every 8, 10 hrs, grab water...
Put down 2 bowls food n water for him.
48 hrs after waking..
Called family, said I (switched meds !!!)
5 days since. (Happened Sunday PM)
Friday PM now.
Went thru terrible time...
I dropped almost 15 lbs, in 36hrs.
But feeling better every day.
Worked 2 hrs yest, got sick, came home.
Worked 5 hrs today, weak but OK, so so.
Learning hydration is key, nutrition is same. .
Take it slow...
My body, mind, soul...
Went to the most extreme ever.
And, it F' ING HURT. Times 1000....
Can't help but think..
I took a few more years off my life, doing that
You can get yourself off, out of, away....
From ANYTHING....
IF...
YOU BELIEVE IN YOURSELF
AND...
YOU MUST...
MUST...
MUST..
FIND THE STREGNTH, THE HEART....
TO WANT IT BAD ENOUGH.
Now..
All I can do is stay positive, surround myself with the right people.
Remember, what I love, my self, my family, my dog, fishing, whatever it may be.. etc..
Try to. Pray I can...
Never again let my guard down.
Remember where I came from.
If your not religious, ( I wasn't at times. I still struggle sometimes. )
Look at it this way...
When you were dope sick, couldn't stand up, or move, found out you had $10 somehow, 20, 30 miles away... made it there, git money, and got back, to cop your sfuff...
That's what I mean when I say...
You Must want it bad enough.
just choose what you want.
The strength is already on you.
Sorry for the long post.
Thank you all.
Thank you Bluelight, for being here.
It's not the 1st time you've helped me.
Thansk GOD !
Thanks for all replies.
Doing great now.
Weak,dehydrated, but doing all right things +,
gonna make this long, detailed..
May be little out of order, I have little adhd. And ocd....
Hoping to give hope to others...
PLEASE...PLEASE...PLEASE..
DO NOT TAKE MY APPROACH. EVER.
WORK WITH DR. OR SOMEONE. !!!
I DON'T KNOW HOW/WHY I'M STILL ALIVE.
Someone, SOMETHING !!!, must think I still have some good to do here.
My ONLY possible explanation.
PLEASE, don't rely on that alone.
I wasn't suicidal. I just thought, KNEW...
I wanted more from life.
I Didn't think of the huge risks I took, or the other outcome. DEATH ! ! !
Man... was I stupid.
But grateful.
As for breathing, and panic attacks.
Learned I had to slow down breathes, but took a few times to figure that out.
thanks for the box count. Major difference.
1st few times.... (3) in 1 week..
911, ER, 4am ish. JUGULAR vein, FORCED by Dr's, IV.
NOT FUN
Couple scares since, But, got it down.
Getting better.
Realized... (afterwards)
Came across bad H/Fent, last few uses, but that gone, done with now.
plus.
I already knew.
Just too stubborn to admit defeat, as a addict always does...
3 or 4 Newport 100s cogs, In a row..
Is NOT good.
My dumb ass did it again tnite.
NOW... I remember NO ! 1 only.....
Second my nerves calm, I realize I'm stable on meds.. which is about now.
I'm done smoking too.
I want to live AGAIN ! ! ! Feel alive.
Weed only, when I don't need to think, lol.
For Jeff Beck time only.
Picked up guitars again.
One of my loves.
Other love is
Walleye fishing, then any fishing.
Trophy size are slamming right now.
7 days away. 3 hr drive to Greenbay, few days
Hoping buddy goes. His boat ready.
Mine ?? Possible, still under tarps.
But, NEVER count me out, when fishing.
I've pulled off the impossible, many times.
Mid May - mid Oct, just under 100 days on the boat. 200 miles from home.
Home, Work 3, drove 3 hrs,, fish 5-7 days.
Rinse, repeat.
Also, learning, hydration has been biggest problem.
Nephew is pro trainer at gym, he helping me.
Staying very positive.
Trying to work a little..
I'm my own, 911 breakdown service for any n all building maintenance. Gas stations, land lords, rich customers are best...lol
Been down all week,
Now, work 2 hrs a day, getting used to it again.
PS...
NEVER NEVRR, again...
Force yourself into PW, that fast...
I faught Satin for 6+ hrs, in a trance.
Dropped 30lbs, in 3 days.
Worst 36, 48 hrs, EVER. x's 20
N I been thru some rough WD..b4.
$300/day habit, go to jail...no help...WD.
I'm going to keep posting, as time allows.
You've all helped me before.
Hopefully, this gives hope to others.
Quick history... NOT ! ! !
But very true.
10,12 yr old.. beers, snuck to me by others.
15, 16, own car, job,...
Alcohol, weed, lsd, shrooms, coccaine, heavy use, extremely,.. of all... kill a person extreme.
I needed to find extreme limit with all.
Just for my satisfaction.
2 packs, Marlboro reds, a day...
1, 5th Jack Daniel's, plus... nightly. Whatever.
Mixed all drugs, took all to limit and past.
22, mainly coke. Up to 1000.. night.
26, freebase, same $$$$...met wrong girls..
1997... 27, met girl, tooted H, tar (dorman)..
Only 2 weeks before needles...
Managed great job, big money, til business closed.
sold, lost everything, lost family...
-15° winters under bridges, 3 years.
1999, 29..Lived on strip, w/ girls, barley alive.
Jails, streets,bridges, abandons.., shared rent, when we could.
2003.. 90 day jail AA.
Out for 2 days, back with ex...same old..
2010...friend, user.., dad took me fishing a week. Drove 200 miles, 3 times, back n forth, to re cop...,
Remembered how I loved fishing and outdoors....
He saved my life ! ! !
Tried, tried, tried...
2019, met awesome Dr.
On got on Bupes, after 3 months of trying..
Had 15,16 months clean.
Best years of my life.
Started business, did 1000%%%...great.
2020, Covid lock down. .
Let local cutie bartender stay at my place.
She was young... she shot H, and smoked rocks. I knew..
Thought I was strong enough.. wrong.
Went back with my ex..
Same old story...
Brings us to present.
Managed to hold onto house, business, life, barley...
5 days ago..
Had to pull tarp, crawl in boat for ???
Sun hit my face....
I broke down crying, 15 minutes.
WHY.. WHY ain't I out fishing!!!
Called Dr. Got new script.
Yes, on a Sunday Night.
He cares that much about his patients.
Always had almost.. 24hr personal cell #.
Did twice what I usually snort of H/Fent.
As an addict. I wanted to (think) I felt it, just 1 more time.
Live alone. Me n dog. House.
My mistake..told no one I was doing that...
Stared $300 of H in Face, said NO MORE.
I want to live again.... feel alive.
Locked myself in bathroom.
Started 4mg bupe, hourly. Til 24mg.
Woke up about 6 hrs later.
Bloody knuckles from punching devil. (Tile walls). 6 hr trance. Blackout.
Bruised arms, legs, body...
About 36hrs later...
Started able to move from bathroom, barley function.
Somehow... managed to love dog enough, crawl, let him out every 8, 10 hrs, grab water...
Put down 2 bowls food n water for him.
48 hrs after waking..
Called family, said I (switched meds !!!)
5 days since. (Happened Sunday PM)
Friday PM now.
Went thru terrible time...
I dropped almost 15 lbs, in 36hrs.
But feeling better every day.
Worked 2 hrs yest, got sick, came home.
Worked 5 hrs today, weak but OK, so so.
Learning hydration is key, nutrition is same. .
Take it slow...
My body, mind, soul...
Went to the most extreme ever.
And, it F' ING HURT. Times 1000....
Can't help but think..
I took a few more years off my life, doing that
You can get yourself off, out of, away....
From ANYTHING....
IF...
YOU BELIEVE IN YOURSELF
AND...
YOU MUST...
MUST...
MUST..
FIND THE STREGNTH, THE HEART....
TO WANT IT BAD ENOUGH.
Now..
All I can do is stay positive, surround myself with the right people.
Remember, what I love, my self, my family, my dog, fishing, whatever it may be.. etc..
Try to. Pray I can...
Never again let my guard down.
Remember where I came from.
If your not religious, ( I wasn't at times. I still struggle sometimes. )
Look at it this way...
When you were dope sick, couldn't stand up, or move, found out you had $10 somehow, 20, 30 miles away... made it there, git money, and got back, to cop your sfuff...
That's what I mean when I say...
You Must want it bad enough.
just choose what you want.
The strength is already on you.
Sorry for the long post.
Thank you all.
Thank you Bluelight, for being here.
It's not the 1st time you've helped me.
Thansk GOD !
Last edited:
Not even 5 minutes later...
Lite another smoke.
1st puff tasted good.
2nd puff hurt lungs a little.
3rd puff... only drew to mouth, for taste,
Rapid exhale, wasn't into lungs.
4th puff, barley into lungs....
Hurt.
Panic hurt.
Addict mind... SMH.. knocked cherry out,
To save rest for later.
Had another " awakening "
Flushed whole cig down toilet.
Can this be the last smoke ???
All of a sudden,.
I have terrible taste in my mouth.
And my house smells like shit.
Please... PLEASE....
LET ME REMEMBER THIS NEXT TIME I GO FOR A SMOKE.
KEEP U POSTED, AS TIME AMD HEALTH ALLOWS.
(PS. Tried to. Correct spelling few times)
Lite another smoke.
1st puff tasted good.
2nd puff hurt lungs a little.
3rd puff... only drew to mouth, for taste,
Rapid exhale, wasn't into lungs.
4th puff, barley into lungs....
Hurt.
Panic hurt.
Addict mind... SMH.. knocked cherry out,
To save rest for later.
Had another " awakening "
Flushed whole cig down toilet.
Can this be the last smoke ???
All of a sudden,.
I have terrible taste in my mouth.
And my house smells like shit.
Please... PLEASE....
LET ME REMEMBER THIS NEXT TIME I GO FOR A SMOKE.
KEEP U POSTED, AS TIME AMD HEALTH ALLOWS.
(PS. Tried to. Correct spelling few times)
Shit, man that sounds rough, use to go through alcohol withdrawal bad, was hospitalized too many times. Better than waking up in jail and going through all that shit in the county jail. Mother fucking guards stole my gold chain and when they let my ass out they took my money and gave me some sort of check.
Lol...
The county jail checks...
It's been a minutes, thank God.
Ya, I WD in county jail, full off, 4,5 times.
Countless 3,4 week stints.
Only had that 1 , 90day. They forced AA on us, which turned out to be cool.
5 weeks sick, 5 weeks worked out, came out ripped. Was making jail house everything. Became a master cook in the cell at night, cause they didn't feed us shit. Lol
I just couldn't go another day, or minute like that.
Only thing I forgot....
Last time I got on dupes
I built my body up, planned for it.
Wasn't too bad.
This time. SMH...
It dam near killed me.
7 days later, still very dehydrated, barely eating. Getting better faster n faster tho.
Went thru that Sunday night.
Tues. 2 hrs sleep
Today, Sat., smoked CBD, friend took me fishing, local pond, few hours, got me McDonald's big breakfast, 2 of em.
Ate, 8am.. sat down., next thing I know, it's 230pm, family blowing up phone, we had family day party. Lol..
All the meds, Ativan, Xanax, Valium, Lexapro, nothing put me down.
I couldn't even lay still 2 minutes, I bounced up.
Last detox, I went th full 16 months, absolutely NO sleep. God be my witness.
After a week, headaches went away, started to see straight. Then, it was a blast.
I worked, got home, cooked dinner, cleaned, whatever. Then, I'd get stoned, play guitar til sun up. I played from 6th grade, til 22,23...
Then got off track.
Almost 25 years later. It's amazing what your body can do.
Called muscle memory.
Took a week or 2, to stretch my fingers, get a grip again.
But, put of nowhere, I'm playing stuff I clever dreamed of playing
5 finger picking, bluegrass...
Just blew my mind.
That's the past now.
Don't look back, but remember where u came from.
A young customer, woman in her late 20s, .
I do building repairs.
Yeatseday, asked me, of I would do anything different. If i could go back.
I told her no, yesterday. N meant it.
Today, had family party...
And realized.
Only things I'd change.
Spend every available second, with loved ones. We never know when they'll move on.
And, not put any chemicals in my body.
Take better care of myself.
Besides that, I can't say.
I mean...
I always had to do what I wanted.
always on the run
So, I never locked down with a woman.
Engaged after 5 years, then, friends. .I couldn't sit in one place.
I wasn't cheating or chasing women. Never.
I just couldn't sit home. Was out working a lot, with friends, fishing, etc. I can't blame her.
On other hand..
I've heard this song a thousand times, then tonight, every single word fit my life.
So I told her (young customer) to listen to it.
Jason Aldean
My Highway.
It just for me so perfect.
I'm 100% solid.
Mayne 40,50% back to halfway normal.
I need to build up again
But I'm up n moving, doing easy chores n that.
Smoked half the smokes I usually do.
N trying to stop,
I can quit, I'm using my nerves as an excuse, until I level off, start feeling 100% again.
the mind of an addict still trips me out.
I did make it over 12 hrs. Without.
Went to grab one several times, said no
But folded, after I finished cleaning kitchen.
Used it as a reward.
Now, smokes 2 in a row, before I try to smoke cbd, n go to sleep a few again.
I seen fishing is on fire this second.
3 hours away.
Woke at 230pm.
3 hours later, boat, which was still winterized, and covered with traps, is 75% ready to go.
Usually, a good days work.
When I want something bad enough, I do itits it's just very hard to reach that point, on most things.
Dr Jeckle n Mr Hyde syndrome, I call it.
Full blown WD, I went thru anything, to get my sick off.... walked 30 mile round trip, full sick, in winter, for $20. To keep my sick off, maybe 12, 24 hrs...insanity
Flipside of that.
I wanted to get clean, and live life again.
I did it.
It took many, many, many tries to get clean, up til now.
The last time, only 1 month or so.
This time, hours.
So..maybe, just maybe.
I have what I need to stay clean now.
I can't ever, ever, let my guard down again.
Can't ever think I'm solid enough to look it in the face again.
Or, go back with my ex, if she's not sober.
And, even if she was...
I'd be terrified, it would trigger a meltdown.
It sucks, cause we still love each other
Makes it harder, cause, she is really trying, for the 1st time ever.
Cause she wants to be with me.
Honestly.
I'm terrified, but, I really do believe, we have been thru enough, over 20 years, where we'd keep each other sober.
Only time will tell.
if I could be sure, her conviction, is as strong as mine was, is, We'd be ok.
It seems she's done, just like i was....
Done for her.
Not just to get back with me, stay living in a rough hood, and mess up again.
I've seen her once, this week.
Was in the area.
Stopped to say hi, for me.
Her, seeing me do it, seems to have given her strength.
But, I've seen that fire burn out, real fast, many times. Only time will tell.
If I go back with her.
She's moving out of city, never going back. Out of state, with me.
Live on a lake, where I'm moving in a year or so, and never look back.
That, would be the only way.
OK, enough drama.
I'm afraid I over did it again today, yet, I slept 6 hrs or so. Trying to wind down, try to lay down, sleep again tonight
Get into a normal pattern, right away
Because. I've never had a pattern, of any type, ,in my life before.
I always ran til.i dropped. No rythym or ryhme. Every day, who knows..
I feel tired, praying I sleep.
Hydration and nutrition is moving slower than I hoped for.
But, I am moving forward.
The intense drive I have to go fishing in 3 days, kept me going today. I busted my Butt.
Hope I'm past the point of going backwards , if I push a little too hard.
To be continued.....
The county jail checks...
It's been a minutes, thank God.
Ya, I WD in county jail, full off, 4,5 times.
Countless 3,4 week stints.
Only had that 1 , 90day. They forced AA on us, which turned out to be cool.
5 weeks sick, 5 weeks worked out, came out ripped. Was making jail house everything. Became a master cook in the cell at night, cause they didn't feed us shit. Lol
I just couldn't go another day, or minute like that.
Only thing I forgot....
Last time I got on dupes
I built my body up, planned for it.
Wasn't too bad.
This time. SMH...
It dam near killed me.
7 days later, still very dehydrated, barely eating. Getting better faster n faster tho.
Went thru that Sunday night.
Tues. 2 hrs sleep
Today, Sat., smoked CBD, friend took me fishing, local pond, few hours, got me McDonald's big breakfast, 2 of em.
Ate, 8am.. sat down., next thing I know, it's 230pm, family blowing up phone, we had family day party. Lol..
All the meds, Ativan, Xanax, Valium, Lexapro, nothing put me down.
I couldn't even lay still 2 minutes, I bounced up.
Last detox, I went th full 16 months, absolutely NO sleep. God be my witness.
After a week, headaches went away, started to see straight. Then, it was a blast.
I worked, got home, cooked dinner, cleaned, whatever. Then, I'd get stoned, play guitar til sun up. I played from 6th grade, til 22,23...
Then got off track.
Almost 25 years later. It's amazing what your body can do.
Called muscle memory.
Took a week or 2, to stretch my fingers, get a grip again.
But, put of nowhere, I'm playing stuff I clever dreamed of playing
5 finger picking, bluegrass...
Just blew my mind.
That's the past now.
Don't look back, but remember where u came from.
A young customer, woman in her late 20s, .
I do building repairs.
Yeatseday, asked me, of I would do anything different. If i could go back.
I told her no, yesterday. N meant it.
Today, had family party...
And realized.
Only things I'd change.
Spend every available second, with loved ones. We never know when they'll move on.
And, not put any chemicals in my body.
Take better care of myself.
Besides that, I can't say.
I mean...
I always had to do what I wanted.
always on the run
So, I never locked down with a woman.
Engaged after 5 years, then, friends. .I couldn't sit in one place.
I wasn't cheating or chasing women. Never.
I just couldn't sit home. Was out working a lot, with friends, fishing, etc. I can't blame her.
On other hand..
I've heard this song a thousand times, then tonight, every single word fit my life.
So I told her (young customer) to listen to it.
Jason Aldean
My Highway.
It just for me so perfect.
I'm 100% solid.
Mayne 40,50% back to halfway normal.
I need to build up again
But I'm up n moving, doing easy chores n that.
Smoked half the smokes I usually do.
N trying to stop,
I can quit, I'm using my nerves as an excuse, until I level off, start feeling 100% again.
the mind of an addict still trips me out.
I did make it over 12 hrs. Without.
Went to grab one several times, said no
But folded, after I finished cleaning kitchen.
Used it as a reward.
Now, smokes 2 in a row, before I try to smoke cbd, n go to sleep a few again.
I seen fishing is on fire this second.
3 hours away.
Woke at 230pm.
3 hours later, boat, which was still winterized, and covered with traps, is 75% ready to go.
Usually, a good days work.
When I want something bad enough, I do itits it's just very hard to reach that point, on most things.
Dr Jeckle n Mr Hyde syndrome, I call it.
Full blown WD, I went thru anything, to get my sick off.... walked 30 mile round trip, full sick, in winter, for $20. To keep my sick off, maybe 12, 24 hrs...insanity
Flipside of that.
I wanted to get clean, and live life again.
I did it.
It took many, many, many tries to get clean, up til now.
The last time, only 1 month or so.
This time, hours.
So..maybe, just maybe.
I have what I need to stay clean now.
I can't ever, ever, let my guard down again.
Can't ever think I'm solid enough to look it in the face again.
Or, go back with my ex, if she's not sober.
And, even if she was...
I'd be terrified, it would trigger a meltdown.
It sucks, cause we still love each other
Makes it harder, cause, she is really trying, for the 1st time ever.
Cause she wants to be with me.
Honestly.
I'm terrified, but, I really do believe, we have been thru enough, over 20 years, where we'd keep each other sober.
Only time will tell.
if I could be sure, her conviction, is as strong as mine was, is, We'd be ok.
It seems she's done, just like i was....
Done for her.
Not just to get back with me, stay living in a rough hood, and mess up again.
I've seen her once, this week.
Was in the area.
Stopped to say hi, for me.
Her, seeing me do it, seems to have given her strength.
But, I've seen that fire burn out, real fast, many times. Only time will tell.
If I go back with her.
She's moving out of city, never going back. Out of state, with me.
Live on a lake, where I'm moving in a year or so, and never look back.
That, would be the only way.
OK, enough drama.
I'm afraid I over did it again today, yet, I slept 6 hrs or so. Trying to wind down, try to lay down, sleep again tonight
Get into a normal pattern, right away
Because. I've never had a pattern, of any type, ,in my life before.
I always ran til.i dropped. No rythym or ryhme. Every day, who knows..
I feel tired, praying I sleep.
Hydration and nutrition is moving slower than I hoped for.
But, I am moving forward.
The intense drive I have to go fishing in 3 days, kept me going today. I busted my Butt.
Hope I'm past the point of going backwards , if I push a little too hard.
To be continued.....