Sorry, rough nights.
Thanks for all replies.
Doing great now.
Weak,dehydrated, but doing all right things +,
gonna make this long, detailed..
May be little out of order, I have little adhd. And ocd....
Hoping to give hope to others...
PLEASE...PLEASE...PLEASE..
DO NOT TAKE MY APPROACH. EVER.
WORK WITH DR. OR SOMEONE. !!!
I DON'T KNOW HOW/WHY I'M STILL ALIVE.
Someone, SOMETHING !!!, must think I still have some good to do here.
My ONLY possible explanation.
PLEASE, don't rely on that alone.
I wasn't suicidal. I just thought, KNEW...
I wanted more from life.
I Didn't think of the huge risks I took, or the other outcome. DEATH ! ! !
Man... was I stupid.
But grateful.
As for breathing, and panic attacks.
Learned I had to slow down breathes, but took a few times to figure that out.
thanks for the box count. Major difference.
1st few times.... (3) in 1 week..
911, ER, 4am ish. JUGULAR vein, FORCED by Dr's, IV.
NOT FUN
Couple scares since, But, got it down.
Getting better.
Realized... (afterwards)
Came across bad H/Fent, last few uses, but that gone, done with now.
plus.
I already knew.
Just too stubborn to admit defeat, as a addict always does...
3 or 4 Newport 100s cogs, In a row..
Is NOT good.
My dumb ass did it again tnite.
NOW... I remember NO ! 1 only.....
Second my nerves calm, I realize I'm stable on meds.. which is about now.
I'm done smoking too.
I want to live AGAIN ! ! ! Feel alive.
Weed only, when I don't need to think, lol.
For Jeff Beck time only.
Picked up guitars again.
One of my loves.
Other love is
Walleye fishing, then any fishing.
Trophy size are slamming right now.
7 days away. 3 hr drive to Greenbay, few days
Hoping buddy goes. His boat ready.
Mine ?? Possible, still under tarps.
But, NEVER count me out, when fishing.
I've pulled off the impossible, many times.
Mid May - mid Oct, just under 100 days on the boat. 200 miles from home.
Home, Work 3, drove 3 hrs,, fish 5-7 days.
Rinse, repeat.
Also, learning, hydration has been biggest problem.
Nephew is pro trainer at gym, he helping me.
Staying very positive.
Trying to work a little..
I'm my own, 911 breakdown service for any n all building maintenance. Gas stations, land lords, rich customers are best...lol
Been down all week,
Now, work 2 hrs a day, getting used to it again.
PS...
NEVER NEVRR, again...
Force yourself into PW, that fast...
I faught Satin for 6+ hrs, in a trance.
Dropped 30lbs, in 3 days.
Worst 36, 48 hrs, EVER. x's 20
N I been thru some rough WD..b4.
$300/day habit, go to jail...no help...WD.
I'm going to keep posting, as time allows.
You've all helped me before.
Hopefully, this gives hope to others.
Quick history... NOT ! ! !
But very true.
10,12 yr old.. beers, snuck to me by others.
15, 16, own car, job,...
Alcohol, weed, lsd, shrooms, coccaine, heavy use, extremely,.. of all... kill a person extreme.
I needed to find extreme limit with all.
Just for my satisfaction.
2 packs, Marlboro reds, a day...
1, 5th Jack Daniel's, plus... nightly. Whatever.
Mixed all drugs, took all to limit and past.
22, mainly coke. Up to 1000.. night.
26, freebase, same $$$$...met wrong girls..
1997... 27, met girl, tooted H, tar (dorman)..
Only 2 weeks before needles...
Managed great job, big money, til business closed.
sold, lost everything, lost family...
-15° winters under bridges, 3 years.
1999, 29..Lived on strip, w/ girls, barley alive.
Jails, streets,bridges, abandons.., shared rent, when we could.
2003.. 90 day jail AA.
Out for 2 days, back with ex...same old..
2010...friend, user.., dad took me fishing a week. Drove 200 miles, 3 times, back n forth, to re cop...,
Remembered how I loved fishing and outdoors....
He saved my life ! ! !
Tried, tried, tried...
2019, met awesome Dr.
On got on Bupes, after 3 months of trying..
Had 15,16 months clean.
Best years of my life.
Started business, did 1000%%%...great.
2020, Covid lock down. .
Let local cutie bartender stay at my place.
She was young... she shot H, and smoked rocks. I knew..
Thought I was strong enough.. wrong.
Went back with my ex..
Same old story...
Brings us to present.
Managed to hold onto house, business, life, barley...
5 days ago..
Had to pull tarp, crawl in boat for ???
Sun hit my face....
I broke down crying, 15 minutes.
WHY.. WHY ain't I out fishing!!!
Called Dr. Got new script.
Yes, on a Sunday Night.
He cares that much about his patients.
Always had almost.. 24hr personal cell #.
Did twice what I usually snort of H/Fent.
As an addict. I wanted to (think) I felt it, just 1 more time.
Live alone. Me n dog. House.
My mistake..told no one I was doing that...
Stared $300 of H in Face, said NO MORE.
I want to live again.... feel alive.
Locked myself in bathroom.
Started 4mg bupe, hourly. Til 24mg.
Woke up about 6 hrs later.
Bloody knuckles from punching devil. (Tile walls). 6 hr trance. Blackout.
Bruised arms, legs, body...
About 36hrs later...
Started able to move from bathroom, barley function.
Somehow... managed to love dog enough, crawl, let him out every 8, 10 hrs, grab water...
Put down 2 bowls food n water for him.
48 hrs after waking..
Called family, said I (switched meds !!!)
5 days since. (Happened Sunday PM)
Friday PM now.
Went thru terrible time...
I dropped almost 15 lbs, in 36hrs.
But feeling better every day.
Worked 2 hrs yest, got sick, came home.
Worked 5 hrs today, weak but OK, so so.
Learning hydration is key, nutrition is same. .
Take it slow...
My body, mind, soul...
Went to the most extreme ever.
And, it F' ING HURT. Times 1000....
Can't help but think..
I took a few more years off my life, doing that
You can get yourself off, out of, away....
From ANYTHING....
IF...
YOU BELIEVE IN YOURSELF
AND...
YOU MUST...
MUST...
MUST..
FIND THE STREGNTH, THE HEART....
TO WANT IT BAD ENOUGH.
Now..
All I can do is stay positive, surround myself with the right people.
Remember, what I love, my self, my family, my dog, fishing, whatever it may be.. etc..
Try to. Pray I can...
Never again let my guard down.
Remember where I came from.
If your not religious, ( I wasn't at times. I still struggle sometimes. )
Look at it this way...
When you were dope sick, couldn't stand up, or move, found out you had $10 somehow, 20, 30 miles away... made it there, git money, and got back, to cop your sfuff...
That's what I mean when I say...
You Must want it bad enough.
just choose what you want.
The strength is already on you.
Sorry for the long post.
Thank you all.
Thank you Bluelight, for being here.
It's not the 1st time you've helped me.
Thansk GOD !