3 day binge at some festival, slept in hot car

[Young_ile]

Hello everybody, around 6 years ago I made the stupid mistake to roll all 3 days at <<some festival>> when I was 21. I wish I found this site and done more research myself on the drug before I made that stupid mistake. I took 3 pills the first day, 3 the second, and 2 the 3rd. I did not know binging is that harmful and thought pill count was a more bigger factor as I have not done many pills in the past. On top of that mistake the pills were "quadstacks" whatever that means and untested as well. I also stupidly slept in the car in the Vegas heat the first night. Due to my paranoia I could not sleep in the hotel the second night with my friends and left the room and slept in the car for a few hours again. The 3rd night was the night I spent with my gf who was upset at me for wanting to go to the event alone( I don't know what I was thinking going to this event without structured plans ) it was her car I slept in. I felt sick and only took two pills and didn't feel anything and was just floored. I might have experienced seratonin syndrome that 3rd night, I felt so weak and nauseous. When we went back to the hotel room I smoked pot and might have had seizures. I had no idea this would happen to me and really regret this mistake. I also began to see a circular light and could make it move around using my mind which I thought was cool at the time(terrible). I developed psychotic thoughts and took me quite a long time to come back to normal. Every time I smoked pot the psychosis would come back. I thought I could see auras but I believe it's brain damage from the binge/hppd. I'm worried I messed up my life for good and that I will get worse before I get better. Almost 6 years have passed and I've been to the mental institute twice because of my delusional thoughts. I thought I got back to normal but recently I had my second manic episode since being diagnosed bipolar and it was worse then the first. I'm in the depressive state and it's hell. I've lost friends who think I'm crazy and hurt my family. My girlfriend has stuck by my side through all this but she's irritated by me bringing that event up all the time and I don't blame her. I just wish someone's would have advised me to stay cool as I did not know heat played a factor. I just would like some input on what damage I might have done and if I can get better as time goes on. I've smoked pot since then but have quit all substances because of manic episodes and a recent second psychotic breakdown. Currently I'm very depressed and am not taking any medications or substances. I have chose to fight my symptoms hoping my brain will bounce back like it has done in the past. I blame my second manic episode from self medicating with pot. I can post more of what I went through if necessary. I just hope I can live a normal life as I am almost 27 attempting to finish college in a few months. I recently lost my job due to my manic episode and have been in a deep dark depression the past two weeks. I was very psychotic,delusional, and angry before realizing that I'm the one to blame. Everyday has been a struggle. Struggle to even get up and go on. I appreciate anybody who reads this and would just like some intellectual feedback. thank you.

 

[Kl519]

Did you ever have a trip like that before? I've tried this myself--binging on mdma kills the magic and it will make you feel weak, mostly from lack of decent food and sleep. I wouldn't say I had psychosis, but for sure my mindset in life was fucked during that time, so I isolated myself from everyone so that I could heal and get my shit back together. So I can relate to this journey that you're describing here. You really just have to take it slow and believe in the process of getting better--thinking positively, doing what you can to make your life better and just keeping up with it. This allows you to get used to a new lifestyle, as well as letting the days flow by while you're on the right path, because before you know it you'll have gone pretty far.

How do you know if you're bipolar? Did a doc make that diagnosis? You should probably make sure whether you really are or not, since that should be one of your first priorities before you take on the harshness of life. Shit is hard enough even when you're perfectly healthy and normal.

As for healing from any negative effects of mdma, I can say that time will heal you. Being anxious about your state and worrying about it too much will for sure make it worse. The best advice that worked for me was simply quitting and focusing on productivity. I think that works for most people since we all have to do that anyway. Bleh.

 

[Young_ile]

Yes a doctor made that diagnosis after a week in a mental care center. Although I think I'm worse because I was more messed up then he knew. To be honest I'm scared and worried as hell. I feel like I'm going to die soon. I want to sleep all day and the only time I feel ok is when I am eating. I pray I get better but it's been really excruciating again after coming back to reality from my recent manic delusions. Thinking I'm a special being and then realizing that I am actually brain damaged. My ego exploded and became something uncontrollable. I constantly pray I get better.

 

[Kl519]

It's fine to think that. Everyone does to some extent because we are who we are, and we can't be anyone else. Idk how else to explain it, but there's nothing inherently wrong with that as long as it doesn't harm anyone. I see, hmm, it's a tough situation, but I think you'll be able to handle it. It's probably better if you try to focus less on the abstract and more on the tangibles when it comes to analyzing "manic delusions," which I'll assume to mean that they're thoughts that you think are true but are not in reality. Maybe question them and try to figure out why you get them? I'm definitely not even a novice in psychology/psychiatry, but it really doesn't seem to stem that far from worrying too much, which everyone does at one point or another. So I think the best thing to do is to not indulge in those type of thoughts too much or for too long. They aren't beneficial all of the time without more "tangible" information to make a more accurate judgment about whatever it is you're focusing on. Although it is good to question things, personally I think there's a limit to that, and that there comes a point when people need to trust what they perceive just as equally, or at least find some sort of balance.

You ain't gonna die.

Haha, well right now I'm about to knock out. This fucking insomnia is tough to handle when you have to wake up early. I could barely keep my eyes open on the way home this afternoon, lol. But I'm gonna sleep now so I can wake up early tmrw and vote, and hopefully start a trend of sleeping early and waking up early for at least a few days per week. This is starting to become fucking necessary, ugh.

Sorry for the rant, but I have had the same problem for over 16 years straight. So I know how much it sucks not being able to fall asleep when people are waking up for the morning rush hour.

I'll pray for you to get better too!!

 

[Young_ile]

When I was manic I thought I had insomnia. Now all I want to do is sleep. I know it's easier said then done but just close your eyes and try to get your kind at ease. I always get a sensation in the brain before I fall asleep so when I get that feeling il know I'l be sleeping soon. I'm sure things are more complicated as when I was manic I needed only 3 hours of sleep and I would be wide awake. I just hope sleeping in the hot car in Vegas heat on ecstasy years back didn't ruin my life. It hurts knowing that one event and one mistake can be this harmful.

 

[Kl519]

Damn, I still can't sleep despite not having slept last night. Yeah, it's always easier said than done, especially since it's been ongoing and I simply just tried to manage through it. I was prescribed benzos, but I don't take too kindly to downers, so I refuse to take them. So I hope your advice works for me, cuz nothing has this whole time. Thank you.

Well, if it makes you feel any better, in relation to overheating while on mdma, I think that happened to most people too. Well, anyone that has went to a club/rave. And yeah, me too, lol. But damn, edc in vegas is literally hot as hell. Your friends should have made you stay in, or hopefully you blasted the AC despite how bad that is for parked cars if it's for hours. Lol.

It's okay, there's nothing to put yourself down for. I guess you just really didn't want to sleep in there? But you'll be okay. Believe that and it should work for you.

 

[Young_ile]

Just close your eyes and try to keep your mind at ease. Maybe your mind is racing/thinking too much. You can do it! Do it for me and for your mental health. Easier said then done. I've been sleeping 12+ hours daily since coming off my mania. Now I'm manic depressed and it's fucking excruciating. Feel lucky you can get up and go vote it's hard to even live at times. Never have I felt more suicidal but I can't do that to my mother. I wish my friends kept me in. I was experiencing psychosis in the room thinking I was psychic reading their minds and thought I was having a religious moment. My personality is hard to control so I can't blame them. I kept the ac on at times but turned it off most of the time because I didn't want to mess up the car although my brain is far more important. It's sad because after staying in the car I later went on to have my first manic episode ending up in the mental institute being diagnosed bipolar. I also think that's where I got my hppd as I was seeing lights while sweating in the car. I was such a fool and am slowly getting over it and being here talking about it has been therapeutic. Anyways I hope u get a good rest and continue to be able too.

 

[Kl519]

Haha, why does this seem familiar? Giving each other advice in this thread.

Yeah, right? It's like how do you NOT think when there's so much to think about? I'm sure that's the main issue too.

Ah damn, well I'll vote for you too. I think we'd end up choosing the same options anyway.

sigh...more talk about suicide. I hate that word. It's the most useless option available to people, barring extreme circumstances (terminally ill, serial killers, etc). Idk, that ALWAYS strikes a chord in me. I really hope you aren't serious about it...

Can I ask what you're depressed about? Is it based on what happened @ edc?

Haha, a "religious moment." Well, you certainly come off as someone who can't be fucked with, but what do I know? Lol. I can see why people would let you have it your way. It just might be the only option. That's good though. Communicating is underrated. I always think of the exact opposite when I make value judgments: if everyone stopped communicating with each other, wth kind of world would we live in? I think we know the answer. I hope your hppd goes away soon. It doesn't seem safe to have that condition and engage in activity such as driving. Which, btw, makes me confused about how people handle those situations.

Thanks. I can usually skip a day's worth of sleep and still be very energetic, but not today. I'm burned out. Thanks, cuz I'm probably gonna sleep now.

P.S. You're not a fool either.

 

[CloudIX]

I normally don't post in these threads, but I wanted to acknowledge Kl519's advice and say how happy I am to see such awesome support. Like seriously dude, you're awesome. Many people posting in the MDMA section of this forum are often looking for answers to something drug related that they regret and a mental state that is new to them (myself included). Many people run through the same conversations over and over talking about theories, quick fixes, etc. But I think the real help comes from people that are able to relate to one another and literally befriend someone going through a tough time. Young_ile do not blame yourself for what you did. At the time sleeping in a hot car seemed like the most reasonable thing to do. Nobody knows the future, and whats to say that the same thing wouldn't have happened at the following edc? The LTC thread is one of the most common threads on this forum and most people are suffering long term anxiety/depression/bi polar/ etc from after their MDMA experience and blame that. Whereas I personally think those people would have eventually developed those issues somewhere down the road regardless. I myself seem to have acquired GAD that may be around for life, only time will tell. But we are still on this earth, and can walk, talk, (vote). Life will get better and you will only become stronger after all this. BTW, I have been to EDC 5 years in a row, 2 of those years has been after my bad mdma experience in vegas as well!

 

[Young_ile]

Try not to think too much and keep things simple. Focus on yourself and your loved ones. To survive and keep a roof over your head and food on your plate. Nothing else really matters is what I've decided upon. I'm depressed because I'm coming down from my mania. I was super high, I thought I was an immortal god waiting to be crowned by aliens. I thought the dutchess of cAmbridge was looking for me lmao. That was my mania, I'm not sad from that not being true, it's just the illness. My brain just feels equally low from that outrageous high. it's like orgasming constantly to now getting a beat down. I'm sad I experienced the mania again and am hoping that the self medicating on mmj played a big role. So now I'm going through mmj withdrawals and facing my manic depression head on, it's been a week. It's the worst I've ever been in my life and I have thoughts to just end it to stop the pain but I won't because I have few people who love me. I was worried I might need electroconvulsive therapy to try and cure my brain. I kept making connections to everything thinking that music videos were subliminally speaking to me or people like me.."special" people ha. I wish my hppd would go away, it does suck driving with this condition especially on the freeways at night. The anxiety I'm currently facing makes it way worse.everything i look at while thinking of hppd would make it worse. I'd watch a movie or show and it would be great since my mind is off my condition, but as soon as the credits roll with the black screen I'm instantly reminded of my condition when the names change and the afterimages are there so i go from happy to sad instantly again lol. Make sure u get your sleep in, you might be harming your brain each and every time. Don't enter into a sleep deprived psychosis like I recently did. I embarrassed myself in front of my neighbors and coworkers. I lost a good job and traded in my car that I loved so much thinking I was going to buy it back. I don't know how I got so far without anybody telling me to chill so I can't blame my friends for not being able to control me. I also thought I could go 3 days without sleep for edc and boy was I wrong. Trying to stay awake most likely caused more damage to my brain. CloudlX ur probably right about people having predispositions to conditions. That's what my psychologist said. I was also experiencing hypomanja days before edc. I told myself that I was on a journey from god and that I'l take this journey thinking god will be testing my faith so I didn't really make plans and thought I could freestyle the first edc in Vegas. My friends and gf were upset at me not wanting to make any plans so I can't blame them feeling like it's my fault for the way things turned out. Got nobody to blame but myself for sleeping in a car. Instead of going with my loving gf all 3 days I only went with her for the 3rd in which i was already totally burned out from rolling the past 2 days so she couldn't have much fun Since I was floored. I might have suffered seratonin syndrome after the event . My selfish ego is to blame for my pain as pathetic as that is, I should be lucky I'm not dead or a vegetable right now. Anyways this has been very therapeutic.

 

[Kl519]

^Ty. When I was a mod in this sub forum, that was my main objective concerning what I could bring to the table: being friendly and helpful with the way I'd approach someone's request, or questions, and answer through personal experience. I think a lot of times people just want to communicate how they feel and get a response with some empathy, especially in this sub forum since it is MED. I think that's all I'm good for.

I can remember times in my life where unexpected kindness would make a huge impact on me, so I try to do the same for others. I feel like if it made a difference for me, it might do the same for someone else, especially because there are people out there who appreciate such gestures more than I do. As you said, it's just a different kind of help. I don't feel like it's lacking here, but it wouldn't hurt to continue this tradition. We live in a world where people enjoy doing the opposite, so in all honesty, it's very satisfying to go against the tide.

edit. Was for cloud. I'm sleepy and slow as hell right now, lol.

 

[Young_ile]

kind gestures go along way. Especially in a world run by money and greed. Thank you for making me feel a bit better in such a dark time.

 

[Kl519]

Hmm, well don't give in to such thoughts! All of us have potential whether we realize it or not. Some more than others, but I still wouldn't consider one more valuable than the other, simply because its asinine and short-sighted imo.

Haha, thanks. I do need to sleep, so you're welcome. It sucks that you seem to be going through a rough patch with anxiety and depression, but I hope you feel better soon. Have your gf help make you feel better if she hasn't already, because that helps a lot. People close to you should help ease the burden and vice versa, instead of inflicting pain, at least to the best of their ability. That's all any of us can ask for.

Anyway, I hope you find your way!! Don't give up on yourself.