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10+ years off MDMA - Binged on a gram - Feel suicidal - PLEASE help

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Fentanyl_Eater

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 16, 2003
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The last time I did ecstasy was in 2000. I recently obtained 2 grams of reagent tested pure MDMA.

On Friday night, my girlfriend and I did 1.6 grams between us, then finished the remaining .4 on Sunday (it's Tuesday morning now).

I have been experiencing some of the most intense, suicidal depression I have ever felt. I am a former heroin addict, on suboxone. I have been mostly clean off opiates for the past few years and life has been very good overall. I feel as though I may have permanently fucked my seratonin levels up. Yesterday I went into work and felt like a complete zombie. I was literally crying while in a meeting with executives, and tried to play it off as if I had a bad cold. This morning I woke up and feel absolutely horrible still. I was really hoping I wouldn't feel this shitty for days in a row. I would almost rather be in withdrawal than this, because tere is very little physical symptoms (some nausea), but the depression is almost overwhelming. It has been so many years since I have used MDMA that this feels so foreign. Could I have done any permanent damage? I read reports that it can take a month for normal seratonin levels to return. I can barely stand another day of this, let alone a month!

I have everything going for me and I worked extremely hard these past few years to get here. Now I feel as though I literally want to curl into a ball and die. I really don't know how much longer I can deal with this, and it hasn;t even been 48 hours. Is there a timetable for MDMA withdrawal/comedown? After opiate withdrawal, I'd normally feel worse on the 2-3rd day, then generally better by the 5-6th day. Can someone explain when this will hopefully end?

I feel so alone and desperate right now. Thank you for any assistance. :(
 
I don't know too much about it, but I have also read it takes about a month for levels to go back to normal. All I can say because I don't want to give you any false information is keep your head up and don't do anything rash, it will go away eventually. You can stay strong.
 
Lot's of mdma to consume there in a short space of time. A Full gram = 8 - 10 doses for myself.
This could take a while for you to feel normal/better again.


Make sure that you don't use other drugs atm, 1 week is the worst you will feel probs, it will get better.


get some Antioxidants in you! blueberry, vitamin c, l-theanine, and make sure you eat well and try and exercise.
 
Thanks for the responses.


My vision is not nearly as sharp as usual, and the nausea has definitely increased. I can't believe how depressed I am. I really can't imagine dealing with this for much longer. It has only been about 48 hours since I last dosed. It feels like there is a vise on my head. I have absolutely zero motivation to go to work, and I actually love my job. Focusing and concentrating is extremely difficult. The cold weather feels painful.


I can't even articulate how much I regret this irresponsible behavior. I NEED to recover soon. God I hate myself right now :X
 
I would say try to focus on the fact that this is simply a chemical-induced state. You have a job that you love and a girlfriend, you've kicked a heroin habit and stayed away from MD for a decade. It sounds to me like you have a lot to live for.

When I feel depressed after binge drinking or going on a drug bender I know that it's only temporary and I remind myself that I knew this would happen and still did it. Just remember that things will level off soon. They always do.
 
That is a TON of MDMA, dude. The most I've done at once was half a gram and the comedown from that was hell. You should space your rolls out by at least a month, and don't be taking more than 200mg at once, because more is not really necessary.

As for recovering, you should feel fine again in a week or two. Take Darksidesam's advice and take some antioxidants and eat some GOOD food. Go out in the sunlight and exercise. I know you won't feel like doing anything, but these things will speed up your recovery process tremendously.
 
Some people have bad come downs off of 1/10th of the dosage you took. You're dealing with something really intense, here.

Try to read up on what you can do to make the healing process easier, force yourself to get the vitamins you need, and sunshine. Push yourself to exercise and maintain some sense of normalcy, if you can, while you go through this rough period. It WILL pass.

As many others have said, you seem to have a lot going for you in your life. Try to think big-picture. This state is temporary!

I wish I had better concrete advice but you may have to wait until some of the BL peeps who have gone through serious health issues with MDMA respond, there are some really articulate experts on here.

You're going to be ok! <3
 
I've been through this, if you can make it in to work you are doing well.

Take fish oil 6-9 grams 3 grams 2-3 times a day.

you will be back to normal in 2-3 weeks.

also have avocados which have tryptophan that's the precursor to serotonin.

Stay away from caffeine for afew months.
 
You need 5htp. I like the solgar brand. Get some ASAP.

- it works best on an empty stomach
- do not drink alcohol at all, you may have a seizure
- it will take 2-3 days for it to kick in and boost your mood
- check for interactions with your medication
 
So a little update...

I ended up going into work late. I started getting incredibly nauseas and light headed. I took the train in and had to really focus not to vomit. I was getting really worried because now the physical symptoms were manifesting much more severely than before. I made it to work without puking, but was useless, and ended up leaving after an hour.

Here is the crazy part: I get on the subway, and get off at Penn Station. As I got off the subway, there were two violinists playing Christmas music (gloria in excelsis deo, ave maria, etc.) I immediately started crying. It was tears of the saddest sad, but the purest joy too. Totally contradictory. The music just sounded so amazing that I stood behind a wall near them and cried for a good 20 minutes. I am a male body builder, in a suit and tie, in the middle of one of the busiest stations in the world and was getting tons of looks but I did not care. I was literally crying my eyes out, and it felt good.

My train track was posted on the board, I took a 20 out of my pocket, and placed it in their violin case. They stopped playing but I kept walking because I was still crying and wanted to make my train.

The train ride home was great. I actually felt a high. I was jamming to my music, and felt really good overall. I would imagine it was a rush of seratonin, as unfortunately it only last about 40 minutes. When I arrived home, the depression, nausea, and overall dysphoria came back, but not as pronounced as before.

What was that all about? What was that small reprieve I had? I still feel lousy as I write this about 60 hours after my last dose, but I feel as if I am healing. I took 5htp a few times yesterday, but it seemed like for an hour after I took them I would feel worse, so I didn't take any today.

I am desperately hoping I will wake up tomorrow feeling 85-90% better. I am probably at 65-70% now.


Anyway, thank you to everyone who gave advice. I very much appreciate it!
 
Heya --

Some good advice here. Take the nutrition serious and be patient with results.

One amazing thing for you... you can cry. As much as maybe it's not something that makes you feel better, it's a blessing. I was stuck in something like you're talking about for close to 10 years -- and finally I got to cry. Let's just say it's an important part of healing, and if nothing else, at l;east you have that path way clear/ that base covered.

With that said, you probably do have your inner levels out of whack. So nutrition will be a huge ally to get back in whack. It's gonna be steep climb. The whole deal that is, so don't look for a quick fix. It's a whole major overhaul. In a way... this rock bottom you're describing, is also a blessing... but that's a hindsight thing... so never mind I guess.

My only advice is _strong determination_ -- and my personal tool that saved me is _martial-arts_. It can be anything really, but martial-arts is amazing for calibrating your inner levels. For me it was a huge journey, and ever on going... but you need to find the style that best suits you.

So in a nut shell, nutrition and exercise will help your levels re-adjust.

Peace!
 
How do you do over a gram of pure mdma in one night with zero tolerance and after a 10 year break
Sorry man but you were asking for it by doing that much, you way over did it

Literally .2 of good molly will have me feeling great all night with no ill effects days later
 
Bill said:
How do you do over a gram of pure mdma in one night with zero tolerance and after a 10 year break
Sorry man but you were asking for it by doing that much, you way over did it

Literally .2 of good molly will have me feeling great all night with no ill effects days later
Click to expand...


Definitely incredibly irresponsible and stupid of me.

By the 400th milligram, we lost the good feeling and just started hallucinating and just doing babble talk of absolute nonsense to one another. We would think strangers were in the room. I would do these "BRrrrrrrrrrr" noises after everything I said as if I was freezing (probably was, we were both naked the whole time). Looking back, that part of it wasn't pleasant at all.

This is Wednesday morning, after last dosing on Sunday afternoon. I feel much better than the past 2 days, but still lousy overall. My motivation level is pretty much at zero. That underlying depression and spaceyness is there too. I will be going into work late again, but need to stay this time. Overall I feel like a piece of shit for doing this to myself and for feeling like this.
 
Ah don't be too hard on yourself, after a gram a fire molly you're gonna have to expect to feel like shit for a few days
Give it at least a week or two and I promise you'll start coming along and feeling better

Next time (I'm talking like three to six months from now) if you do want to try mdma again, just dose .1 and maybe add an extra point through the night, if it's quality you'll be feeling awesome rubbing your gf, giving light shows, listening to music and not hallucinating your ass off, killing every bit of serotonin in your brain lol
 
i don't know about trying to use 5htp or tryptophan in this situation,
im not sure though
 
tumblr_mdj9gtq5v91qktmweo1_500.jpg
 
Time. What you need more than anything else is time. Your brain is an incredibly sophisticated piece of hardware/software, but when you throw it that far out of balance it takes time for all the recovery mechanisms to fully take effect & bring everything back to normal & stable. Your depression is a chemical reaction, nothing more. It feels real because it is real. It just has an artificial cause. There's a variety of chemicals that may help to a large or small degree, but the most important ingredient is time. Be patient, let your body heal itself. Soon enough you'll realize the depression is over & you can restart your life pretty much where you left off. Just hang on & don't do anything stupid in the meantime. Don't let the depression define you, don't let it control you. It's just a temporary passenger, leaving you behind in a couple weeks or so. Be patient & ride it out.
 
In years gone past I've been there, and it will get better. I know all about those bouts of the deepest despair and depression punctuated by brief surges of euphoric joy and spontaneous tears at things you normally consider mundane. I know when you're going through it that it feels like it will never end, but just try to remember that all you have to do is just live and get through the moment you are in.

After my similar experience, the nausea and dizziness peaked about 2 to 3 days after the experience and then lingered for about a week slowly getting less and less each day. During the peak nausea days I constantly felt on the verge of throwing up and sometimes felt overwhelmed but never did vomit. I found that if I lay in bed perfectly still that it would slowly abate and not come back until I got up and moved around.

Mental fog should start to go away within a week or so, but the demotivation may hang in varying degrees for up to a month. I found after my experience that my will power was drained, and simple things like getting up in the morning and getting ready to go to work were very difficult and took all my mental effort. I found caffeine in the form of morning coffees to be a life saver after a few days, but during those early days it made me feel high again.

I don't know the mental demands of your job or life, but the less you have to engage your mind and think through problems, do analytical work, etc., the better off you will be to be mentally quiet and let your mind rest and recover.

I think right now though the best advice I can give is to know that with time it will get better, no matter how terrible it seems at the moment. Best of wishes to you.
 
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