“Detaching with love”

[Drifting_Away]

First time posting from a long time Bluelight lurker. This site has been invaluable to me for many years during my drug using career. Long story short I am a hero in addict. I’ve had very long stretches of sobriety including a 14 year stretch where opioids never crossed my mind. In that time I honed my skills as a tradesman, met a beautiful smart woman, and proceeded to put down roots to the tune of two rental properties and a primary residence. We welcomed our first child into the world on 4-2-19. This would’ve/should’ve been the highlight of my life had it not been for the very dark secret I was keeping. About 10 months prior I had injured my back at work. Went to the doctor for some relief and what do ya know. Walked out with a script for 10 perk 5’s. Because I was in legit pain and it came from a doc, I thought “what could it hurt”? How fucking wrong was I? Within two months I had found the most reliable heroin connect and within another month I found myself using iv again. This all came out to my wife and family about 4 weeks after my daughter was born. Needless to say everyone was gutted by it. For the past month I have been trying to regain a foothold on my sobriety. I know I can do it and know that I will. But have had some slips here and there which I have been completely honest with my wife about. Well last week she had enough. She told me to leave and that she would have no contact with me until I was 30 days clean. So far she has kept her promise. She contacts everyone in my family asking about me, sending updates about the kid pics etc but will not speak with me. I am completely detoxed and living with my parents. I feel at this point her attitude towards me is impeding my recovery. She claims that she has been told by professionals to “detach with love”. I’ve done expressive research in that topic and it seems to me that she is using it as a mask for the withdrawal of love and support. And has used it to strip me of everything that I value in life. I cannot see my daughter or my animals. And I have no access to my home or my possessions. This all in spite of the fact that I have walked through the fire with her many times in the last decade. I feel hurt/sad and hallow beyond belief. I’m here looking for support. But also looking for clarity. Have any of you heard of this concept? Is it just me or is it her swearing she using good intentions but really trying to hurt me? Any help would be much appreciated.

Thanks

-Drifting

 

[KingOfWessex]

All I can offer my brother is sympathy to your plight. It's a fucking unjust world. If this was me this woman would be gone. Tough love is good but there is a limit and when you break apart the final pieces of stability and reason it's done. I wish you well get strong and move on. Love should be unconditional even with conditions. Get strong , build up and move on . You can still have a relationship with your daughter but she should be there at your worst if she wants to share your best

 

[Drifting_Away]

Thanks my man. It’s slowly getting to that point. Thing is I need to plan this carefully. If I show up there all half cocked to grab whatever belongings can fit in my truck at the time it won’t end well for me. I need to play chess here. Not checkers. The pain this brings is unbearable. I have been there for her unconditionally for so long. This is truly the first time in our 12 year relationship that I have needed her the most. And I get nothing but any down the fucking road. I am confident in the fact that even though I let my demons win for a short time, that there aren’t many other men out there like me. Best to move along now instead of eating shit to get back with her, just to end up with cancer or some shit in 5 years to be discarded again.

 

[KingOfWessex]

If you need her now more than ever and she is not just not there but making you feel this bad there is your answer. She can't even hide behind tough love because if she truly knew you she would know this isn't the answer. First step is acceptance my new friend then take it from there. I truly wish you all the best I really do. PM me if you need to talk mate all the best be strong and focus on your shit rather than the shitness of her shit if that makes sense

 

[Drifting_Away]

Makes perfect sense. Thanks again. I’m going to go do a walk and clear my head a bit. Happy fucking Father’s Day to me!

 

[KingOfWessex]

Hey it's shit right now but your not to blame mate. Regroup make a plan and move forward. The fact that you have not even been allowed to see her today just goes to show . Be strong my man when it's shit like this the only way is up

 

[Drifting_Away]

I can’t help but blame myself man. If I hadn’t let this shit rule me yet again I wouldn’t be here. I totally underestimated my inner junkie! I’ve never been one to feed in to the whole “once an addict always an addict” bullshit. But somewhere it is rooted in truth. I’ve always been able to drink socially and smoke pot without issues. The poppy brings me to my knees every fucking time!!

 

[KingOfWessex]

Well let this be the last day you take.the blame.from now on things are different. Take control . Your in a shit predicament but rise above it . Your being treated unfairly so rise above it. Make it work and when she wants to know again free you have built back up that she isn't required . She should be here for you right now at your lowest she isn't. So get going mate. Don't look back and sort your shit out. Not to keep others happy but for you. Self respect is the best feeling there is. Difficult to tackle all on your own but by the sounds of it you have too

Your never alone mate you got this. This path will only make you stronger. Easy to say from my position but I've been there and done it.

 

[Asclepius]

^ This guy has your back. PM him and he will give you his number when you need someone to call. Unconditional love is rare.

This quote however,

I wish you well get strong and move on.

...yep.

We are all wishing you the best.

Thing is, if you are making mistakes, you are making mistakes - I know nothing of your partner, they could be from adorable to psycho but the point is that - whether that is your issue of contention, or not, you have kept yourself in a vulnerable state with use, as in; you will never reach the baseline of knowing what is what - you will never be able to feel the actual pain of injustice, if you are numb to it - whether it has been done to you, or you have done it and both.

So stop being a baby, and get your mind; heart; body, strong.
Feelings make you vulnerable but in addiction, they make you feel like a god-like victim( kind of pathetic, in the most unreasonable way), but if your head isnt straight you have no driver - you will constantly be whining and whinging and needy for someone to fix your emotional issues for you' and they will be people with the same unresolvable, issues and though there is comfort in that. - there is the usual lack fo actual practical solution from people stuck in a vacuum of their own denial - just a lot of head-nodding and people projecting their state on to you and vice-versa. Waste of precious time. Life is short and some people want to make it shorter; while being completely unaware of themselves ( we are all, generally unaware but there is a difference between that and those who want to cheat themselves into awareness but yet are deluding themselves; and reject this state, as it's anxiety provoking and this is an unacceptable state for some, who equate suffering with plebs lol).

In response to your question; Whether your ex has good intentions or, not? Nobody can decipher this but you - most people in relationships with addicts; whether addicted or, not are co-dependent - meaning needy and with unresolved emotional baggage - hence, the clusterfuck of complications.

The fact your partner is even around could be:

A) They really care about you and have faith that you can rise above what has held you down all your life, and grow anew.
B) They are dependent on you ( mirror you)
C) A bit of both
D) They are destructive and subconsciously want to hurt you, or themselves.
E) All of the above.

Who knows.

Look after yourself. Stop looking for answers before you've answered your own.
You have no personal power, if you haven't tackled your own shit, grappled and at least are open to moving forward with a new perspective; that is realistic and that isnt tied into the cult of addiction worship; then you got to sort that shit out. Life is short.

 

[Quickfixgrrl]

I've been on the other side, too.. where your wife is right now.
My partner was/is a heroin addict for over 10 years. Whilst the circumstances are different to yours (I was lied to, he always denied using and still does) I can tell you this: Living with an addict absolutely destroyed me. When he'd admit to using and promised to get clean, I did everything in my power to support him. I took him to drug counseling, helped him detox at home and even plastered the inside of his closet with posters I made with inspirational quotes, so he'd see them every day.
Then he'd fuck up again and when confronted vehemently deny it. THAT was the worst... the lies.. I could deal with his addiction and support him as long as he was truthful. But too many occasions of sheer deception ruined our relationship.
Being the partner of an addict is a harrowing experience.. the roller coaster of never ending relapses is shattering. Seeing the person you love with track marks across their skin, eyes pinned and soulless... it's such a lonely fucking role..
It appears that your wife is using "tough love". I have done the same.. left him, stayed in emergency accommodation because of the drugs he was bringing into our lives.. we have kids..
I always came back to him once he'd actually got clean and started methadone. But then he'd go back to the demon. So I lost the will to fight for him. I made him move out. He left for 3 months and he admitted that he used more H in those 3 months than he'd ever used in his life. I didn't want him back.
Sorry for the novel. Just wanting to express to you that I've been in your wife's shoes.. I've had empathy and unwavering love and support for my partner but HAD to remove him from my life.
Right now he's back living here. We are still battling the same thing. He's now on Suboxone but I know he still uses occasionally. I've literally stopped caring. I live a separate life and do me.
It's completely broken me.

You sound like you're doing your best. Just remain truthful and keep your eye on the prize.. your family. She will come back into your life. She is pulling back to allow you to prove yourself.
Stay strong.

 

[Quickfixgrrl]

I've never been on H or

Im asking how you got into a relationship with an addict and then stuck around to martyr yourself?

Also, why you are pointing out your (ex ) partners addiction issues without referencing your own and thus, pleading the martyr case - why didnt you want to leave when you knew your partner had issues - maybe it was an excuse to cover your own?

Positing a question?

Huh?
My own? I've never been on heroin?
I met him 20 years ago. I'm not a "martyr"...?
Not sure what you've deciphered from my post but I really don't get it so don't actually feel like replying to you as you're doing my head in.
My post was for the OP.
Cheers!

 

[Drifting_Away]

^ This guy has your back. PM him and he will give you his number when you need someone to call. Unconditional love is rare.

We are all wishing you the best.

Thing is, if you are making mistakes, you are making mistakes - I know nothing of your partner, they could be from adorable to psycho but the point is that - whether that is your issue of contention, or not, you have kept yourself in a vulnerable state with use, as in; you will never reach the baseline of knowing what is what - you will never be able to feel the actual pain of injustice, if you are numb to it - whether it has been done to you, or you have done it and both.

So stop being a baby, and get your mind; heart; body, strong.
Feelings make you vulnerable but in addiction, they make you feel like a god-like victim( kind of pathetic, in the most unreasonable way), but if your head isnt straight you have no driver - you will constantly be whining and whinging and needy for someone to fix your emotional issues for you' and they will be people with the same unresolvable, issues and though there is comfort in that. - there is the usual lack fo actual practical solution from people stuck in a vacuum of their own denial - just a lot of head-nodding and people projecting their state on to you and vice-versa. Waste of precious time. Life is short and some people want to make it shorter; while being completely unaware of themselves ( we are all, generally unaware but there is a difference between that and those who want to cheat themselves into awareness but yet are deluding themselves; and reject this state, as it's anxiety provoking and this is an unacceptable state for some, who equate suffering with plebs lol).

In response to your question; Whether your ex has good intentions or, not? Nobody can decipher this but you - most people in relationships with addicts; whether addicted or, not are co-dependent - meaning needy and with unresolved emotional baggage - hence, the clusterfuck of complications.

The fact your partner is even around could be:

A) They really care about you and have faith that you can rise above what has held you down all your life, and grow anew.
B) They are dependent on you ( mirror you)
C) A bit of both
D) They are destructive and subconsciously want to hurt you, or themselves.
E) All of the above.

Who knows.

Look after yourself. Stop looking for answers before you've answered your own.
You have no personal power, if you haven't tackled your own shit, grappled and at least are open to moving forward with a new perspective; that is realistic and that isnt tied into the cult of addiction worship; then you got to sort that shit out. Life is short.

Thank you for your perspective. You’re absolutely right about a lot of what you said. The only thing I feel I need to clear up to you is that this hasn’t been a long standing problem in our relationship. I have been sober for the vast majority of it. Thanks again!

 

[Quickfixgrrl]

Just to clarify OP, I'm not "taking your wife's side" as the other poster wrongly assumed. Your question was "has anyone experienced this" ie; detaching with love.
My reply was yes, I have. I think my post was quite clear.
Best of luck to you, I sincerely believe that your wife loves you and is using this tactic in order to allow you to help yourself.

 

[Drifting_Away]

Just to clarify OP, I'm not "taking your wife's side" as the other poster wrongly assumed. Your question was "has anyone experienced this" ie; detaching with love.
My reply was yes, I have. I think my post was quite clear.
Best of luck to you, I sincerely believe that your wife loves you and is using this tactic in order to allow you to help yourself.

I know exactly what you meant. Thank you. I pmed you

 

[Drifting_Away]

DELETED

If you have nothing to add to my thread then beat it. I don’t need it cluttered with your drivel!

 

[Quickfixgrrl]

DELETED

(MOD EDIT: removed the bickering, but I agree with this line.)
Stop derailing this thread and don't talk to me.

 

[somnilicious]

Hey Drifting..... I don't have much to add except it sounds like she does love you and that she is doing this to help you. If you love her and you can take the time to set your own personal feelings of being hurt aside to try and understand her side than it is clear as to what you need to do and nothing should stand in the way of that..... 30days and then just keep going. This will repair itself with time and recovery. I know it's hard because after withdrawal and in early recovery our feelings are low and easily exacerbated by events around us and as addicts our solution has always been to cover it up with heroin. It's sad but when a lot of negative things started to happen in my life that should have been compelling me stop and move through the pain I did the opposite, simply because I couldn't handle the present reality and I let the fear and pain drive me right back into the arms of heroin.

Like somebody else said. Don't focus on the negatives of the current situation. Understand what you did to make it happen, without getting down on yourself, accept it and move forward. Look at what you can do to make things better..... Keep your eye on the prize and keep taking steps to get there. Slow and steady.... Pain and hurt is par for the course but it isn't permanent nor are all your feelings or view of the situation necessarily correct. It's just that... your own personal thoughts and feelings. You can't control others but you can control your viewpoint and actions which will influence your feelings. Focus on taking care of yourself and the rest will sort itself out in time.

Best wishes to you.... Keep us updated. We're here for you.

 

[Drifting_Away]

Hey Drifting..... I don't have much to add except it sounds like she does love you and that she is doing this to help you. If you love her and you can take the time to set your own personal feelings of being hurt aside to try and understand her side than it is clear as to what you need to do and nothing should stand in the way of that..... 30days and then just keep going. This will repair itself with time and recovery. I know it's hard because after withdrawal and in early recovery our feelings are low and easily exacerbated by events around us and as addicts our solution has always been to cover it up with heroin. It's sad but when a lot of negative things started to happen in my life that should have been compelling me stop and move through the pain I did the opposite, simply because I couldn't handle the present reality and I let the fear and pain drive me right back into the arms of heroin.

Like somebody else said. Don't focus on the negatives of the current situation. Understand what you did to make it happen, without getting down on yourself, accept it and move forward. Look at what you can do to make things better..... Keep your eye on the prize and keep taking steps to get there. Slow and steady.... Pain and hurt is par for the course but it isn't permanent nor are all your feelings or view of the situation necessarily correct. It's just that... your own personal thoughts and feelings. You can't control others but you can control your viewpoint and actions which will influence your feelings. Focus on taking care of yourself and the rest will sort itself out in time.

Best wishes to you.... Keep us updated. We're here for you.

Thanks a shit ton somni! You’re 100 percent right about the way you feel right after detoxing. Hope all is going well with you. Haven’t followed much from you lately. But read through your recovery journal just the other day! Take care and be safe!

 

[Asclepius]

Hey Drifting..... I don't have much to add except it sounds like she does love you and that she is doing this to help you.

And always remember its nothing to do with your partner, or your children - it's all about you. Always.?


..."if only she really knew me - this is why she stays with a man who can not provide stability, security, and support ( emotionally, cognitively etc etc) - a woman would have to be insane to stay with an addict/ be an addict herself - so, if she loves me for who I am and doesn't understand my addiction, then she cant really love me - so, am fucked either way?"


She may/may not love you - she may be in love with the idea of you/she may love you-you don't know because you don't even know yourself and are scared of yourself and you dont have the level of honesty or integrity yet, to be in an intimate relationship - even with yourself - and your awareness of all this is what sometimes, justifies your addiction to yourself.

So get crackin' sunshine! Time waits for no man - no matter how how many people blow smoke up your ass!

 

[somnilicious]

You have people that care Drifting_Away. I care.... I don't know you but I do because I'm an addict and I know the challenges. I haven't been in your exact situation but I was dating a girl that started to pull away as soon as I started to spiral and it only made the spiral worse. I definitely know the mind of and addict(especially a heroin addict) and how early recovery influences our thoughts, feelings and possibly our actions ...…. Alas I am once again in early recovery after small slices of sobriety after 20yrs heroin addiction. In fact it was that pain and self pity that caused this last 1.5yrs of relapse I'm just starting to come out of..... Covering the pain only caused more problems to pile up, as everything got progressively worse. Much, much worse.

It's an AA cliché but it applies "There is nothing so bad that a drink won't make worse."