I've always had a little love-affair with self loathing. There have been points in my life when I've worked really hard at it, often very successfully.
I was never a very happy little kid. My classmates were incredibly snotty, and I was never willing to compromise any of my wishes or personality "flaws" to make friends at school. Instead, I sat there, waited for the end of the day, and ignored my classmates ignoring me. Granted, if I now went to school with little-flux, Iwould probably ignore me too. I was a weird little kid, but whatever. Moving on.
So I became kind of withdrawn. I had a few friends outside of school - but even so, I got spacey, and sad. I don't even remember much of elementary school. I remember a few key moments, and other than that I just have a vague recollection that I stared out of the window most of the time, and cried at home every day afterwards. It got better in middle school, but not much. I never really expected myself to make friends, and therefore never really tried to do it.
I guess you would say my turning point was 8th grade (I'm going to start getting to the point....maybe). In eighth grade I discovered how much fun hating myself could really be. And I threw all my energy into that. I hung out with loser-punk-assholes, I wore a lot of black, I cut myself, I drank, I never raised the blinds in my room. I worked very hard at being sad. I was almost proud of the sickly, empty depressed feeling I managed to maintain for nearly 2 years. A lot of it probably had to do with the fact that I stopped eating almost completely.
I can't really tell you how that started. I can't even say if I ever even hadan eating disorder. I had the symptoms of one for about 2 years. But I've never really been sure as to how much of it was anorexia, and how much of it was me trying in a bizarro way to hate myself more than I did. I genuinely remember thinking "Hey, an anorexic would do it like this, girl. Remember how you read it? You'd better get back on track if you wanna get this thing." *Sigh* I don't understand it at all.
Nevertheless, I did a reasonably good job at acquiring whatever parts of the disease I could. I constructed a bizarre network of weird rituals, I counted my ribs daily, I cut my food into teenytiny pieces before I would even think about putting it in my mouth....Hell, I even had a belt that I would wear tightly around my stomach. You know that full, press-on-the-pants feeling you get after Thanksgiving? My stomach pressed on my belt after only three small bites of yogurt or celery or whatever the hell I was eating. That's how I knew I was full....Bleah, I'm going off subject here.
I did a good job. God, I shouldhave. I mean, I would stay up at night and research. I had stacks and stacks of books, and would take every case study as possible tips....In any case, by December in 8th grade, I was most definitely wasting away. I was down to about 95 pounds and would faint weekly. I had constructed the perfect empty-depressed-hole for myself and I loved it.
Somehow I got out of it, don't really know how. I just started eating a little more one day, and slowly my eating became fairly normal. I'm willing to admit that I'm still a little disappointed in myself, sadly enough.
Nevertheless, that didn't mean that I got out of my happy-when-depressed funk. And a while after the eating disorder thing, I discovered drugs.
Not to say that I've ever had any huge drug problems. I haven't. I had a period where I wouldn't even get out of bed with out chemical assistance from amphetamines, but they're amphetaminesfor Christ's sake. So, no, I would never say that I had any real problems....Still, I managed to recreate some of the same feelings tht I got from not eating with drugs. The shitty, empty feeling. I feel justified coming down from things. It's somehow right that I should feel so awful. I like being e-pressed. I like comming down from a long acid trip and seeing how bland, and ugly, and colorless the world is and hating it, I like the feeling I get after tweaking too long and too hard and being the last one up and knowing that I did a great job at killing all the cartilage in my nose and that I lost that 10 pounds because of meand my unhealthy drug habits. I enjoy being a smoker. I enjoy not feeding myself well(in a non-anorexic way....I think). I....well, you get what I'm trying to say.
Yeah, I'm a little smarter now than I was in 8th grade. Or maybe I just like myself more. Cuz as much as I would have liked it, I never developed a real drug problem. Bizarre as that may sound to most of you, hopefully some of you will get it.
Glad that's off my chest.
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Those who find ugly meaning in beautiful things are corrupt without being charming. [email protected]
[This message has been edited by flux (edited 22 June 2000).]
Wow you sound like you have some sriouse problems, maybe you need a phsychiarist. SWIM started getting high on weed, and drinking lightly with friends at about 12-13, but when SWIM did it it was for the fun of it. SWIM used to smoke a joint of shwag with freinds and laugh his ass off for hours. Did shrooms a few times, but cant do them anymore Cause of too Much things on SWIM'S mind But SWIM'S fave drug of choice are opiates, they just make swim feel so productive, and happy. He is encuraged to do everything he need to do during the day, even workout and play sports, so they are a wonder drug for SWIM, SWIM have a mild case of Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and all the dick doctors HE'S been to never give him the Benzo's that will actually do the job right, so Opiates and xanax and valium from the streets are a life saver. Too bad opiats are soooo addicting, but good thing SWIM has a good reliable source so SWIM is always prepared. 40 and 60 OXY's, Xanax bars, valium, klonopin, perc, vicodin, and oh so many other goodies half off of street prices!
