It's a shame we don't have the same religious culture that the East has in many places, with monasteries and other avenues for 'dropping out', where one can go to at least just clear their heads for a time. Or even just a basic social culture that tolerates the individual when they wish to disengage from the game of society, where they are not seen as a burden but treated with respect and offered food, because it is recognized these people actually play a very important role.
That's what really fucks people up in the West in my opinion, there's really only one game in town and you are forced to play it by penalty of destitution or starvation. If you want to escape then you have to grind hard to earn money first, to get the resources you need to have yourself away. The pursuit of (external) happiness, eh. But if you try to find it internally on your own, then you can get fucked and die. Yeah. Some Christian culture we are.
If it weren't for the safety net and tolerance of my parents I don't know if I would have made it this far. I recognized all this bullshit back in my teenage years and it has been a constant source of burden ever since, and foreknowing that the economic and authoritarian nonsense we're now going through was coming down the pipe as well. Can you imagine? Twenty years ago, not even into adulthood, and all you see ahead of you is basically no way out and knowing you will be treading water for the rest of your life. And there's no one you can talk to about it? No one willing to address the deep thoughts that are telling you that you're being fucked over and betrayed?
I dropped out mentally before I was even legally adult. This societal construct is a fucking disgrace and we've all been monumentally betrayed. It gets more evident by the week now - UK talking about conscription last week lmao.. get fucked.
For a long time I punished myself - it's a default mode of programming we all have in the West (thanks, Christianity!) - smoking cannabis, not taking care of myself. Slowly but surely I learned (still learning) to not punish myself.. there is nothing wrong with me (or you). So much of our thinking is imposed gaslighting designed to grind down our spirits and force conformity. It's really twisted, and sad.
I eat very well, very healthy and strong now. Sip whiskey once in a blue moon. Thank the lord I never got anyone pregnant or got married, that's perhaps the only thing I'm really grateful for! It does (and doesn't) bother me that I'm isolated. On balance though, I prefer peace and quiet, a whole bed to sleep undisturbed in, and not taking on the burdens of anyone else. I make it a habit to go for a 1+ hour walk every day, far away from people. It's still a struggle.
If I won the lottery I'd be off in a flash to the middle of nowhere, build a self sustaining home environment, and never deal with society again.
