Let's talk about journalling!

[Snafu in the Void]

The "God" thing is what most people stumble over.

I did when I was younger in a rebellious way. I don't anymore. I get it. Higher power can be literally anything and it says it right there. I do not have some anti-religious grudge against that step anymore like I did 10 years ago.

I think my #1 problem with the steps, which always has been, is "Once an addict, always an addict".

That's the most painful step for me. Admitting complete utter defeat and powerlessness.

"No!-- I don't label myself. I don't admit defeat. Sure, for the next 20 years I'm an addict - but FOREVER? Fuck no. I don't give up."

I just wanna fight that step all the way, even though I begrudgingly believe it is also true.

That's the hardest step for me, personally. Like you've said. Wishing you could just get high again one day and not be... this. Delusionally wishful thinking. I admit that, yet still don't want to believe it's true. But it is, to varying degrees of truth, and will always be, for me, the truth.

 

[deficiT]

"No!-- I don't label myself. I don't admit defeat. Sure, for the next 20 years I'm an addict - but FOREVER? Fuck no. I don't give up."

That's why they say "just for today" and "one day at a time"... Once you start thinking in years and decades and stuff it starts to freak you out

 

[Snafu in the Void]

That's why they say "just for today" and "one day at a time"... Once you start thinking in years and decades and stuff it starts to freak you out

So true man. And these are things I've known but forgot because I am no longer synced up with recovery mentality. Let's change that, shall we?

 

[deficiT]

So true man. And these are things I've known but forgot because I am no longer synced up with recovery mentality. Let's change that, shall we?

It's definitely not easy. The other thing that sucks about meetings and recovery in general, is that you just have to start getting comfortable being uncomfortable. It does start to get easier over time though. I feel loads better than I ever have before really. I mean mentally I still have my moments of panic, self doubt, depression, etc. But it's starting to get better. I'm starting to be able to get over my desire to control everything.

 

[Snafu in the Void]

It's definitely not easy. The other thing that sucks about meetings and recovery in general, is that you just have to start getting comfortable being uncomfortable. It does start to get easier over time though. I feel loads better than I ever have before really. I mean mentally I still have my moments of panic, self doubt, depression, etc. But it's starting to get better. I'm starting to be able to get over my desire to control everything.

The hardest part of recovery, in my experience and words, is knowing you have to walk through that wall of fire - but this time sober. Facing your own fears. Fucking TERRIFYING for me dude. I want to hide under my bedsheets just thinking about it.

Dealing with what I've always feared.... shit I've always avoided and put off... things that were hard to do while high or drunk.... now I have to do it while sober.... nightmare shit >_<

 

[n3ophy7e]

I totally hear you man You can do it though, as hard as it is

 

[Ketamania]

Very well put together post @n3ophy7e! I love it! I think this will help others a lot.

I was always told journaling was a good exercise when I grew up, but I thought it was lame and took too much effort.

However, after my first visit to the mental hospital, I truly realized how helpful it can be. I journaled every day in there, and it helped the time go by. I’ve been slacking on journaling recently, but it really does help.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Very well put together post @n3ophy7e! I love it! I think this will help others a lot.

I was always told journaling was a good exercise when I grew up, but I thought it was lame and took too much effort.

However, after my first visit to the mental hospital, I truly realized how helpful it can be. I journaled every day in there, and it helped the time go by. I’ve been slacking on journaling recently, but it really does help.

Thank you darling

 

[VerbalTruist]

My journaling is largely focused on Buddhism. I get WAY into a piece of text and analyze the fuck out of it.

 

[slw0363]

Okay so this is a venture out from my recovery diary of which I know n3ophy7e has posted in and even though I thought I was going to find something that could be more help to someone instead of just a reply, I just wanted to say that I am very very very thankful for bluelight and the supporters who talk to me on my own recovery journal. After getting so much off my chest in which I feel has been some type of emotional abscess, I'm feeling so much better.

It took me years after the first person told me that I should journal to finally listen but when I started listening things changed for me and I'm so glad they did.

Thank you bluelight and thank you to those who are very encouraging here without y'all I could not do it

Shelby

 

[gibberish-noise]

I find that I end up writing about the same bullshit every time I journal...so self-centred and edgy it is equal parts pathetic and hilarious. Brain is on the negativity merry-go-round and the only time it pauses or hops off is when I'm high or unconscious. I feel sorry for the FBI agent listening to my thoughts, because they are boring af. Hey, Siri, how do I become less boring?

 

[dragonix]

Thanks maybe I should give it another shot

 

[LadyWitch]

This is a photo of the journals I filled from cover to cover starting December 2018 and ending January 2021. Since this pic was taken, I have filled 5 more and am currently working on the 6th. It takes me, on average, 3-4 weeks to fill a standard journal. I always use the same kind of pens and it takes about 10 days or so for me to write the ink out of a brand new one. I started writing because I got a concussion and had terrible memory loss issues. I've since realized how therapeutic it is to just write all the psycho babble that is constantly bouncing around my brain down and letting it go that way. I don't know how I ever lived without journaling!

Jadis, QoS

 

[n3ophy7e]

This is a photo of the journals I filled from cover to cover starting December 2018 and ending January 2021. Since this pic was taken, I have filled 5 more and am currently working on the 6th. It takes me, on average, 3-4 weeks to fill a standard journal. I always use the same kind of pens and it takes about 10 days or so for me to write the ink out of a brand new one. I started writing because I got a concussion and had terrible memory loss issues. I've since realized how therapeutic it is to just write all the psycho babble that is constantly bouncing around my brain down and letting it go that way. I don't know how I ever lived without journaling!

Jadis, QoS

That is AMAZING hun!! Thanks so much for sharing that with us

I'm pregnant and I started writing a pregnancy journal as soon as I found out I was preggo. But then at 9.5 weeks I got horrendous morning sickness, like, 24/7 nausea and vomiting, so I couldn't write in my journal. It's probably something I'd prefer to not be reminded of anyway hahaha. Now I'm mostly feeling fine (at 12.5 weeks now) so I will start writing again

 

[dragonix]

That's why they say "just for today" and "one day at a time"... Once you start thinking in years and decades and stuff it starts to freak you out

Totally

 

[stardust10]

Gonna start a journal today tah for info and structure, makes it a bit less daunting. Detox starts Monday so should be interesting! I'm shitting my self not literally lol

 

[Jabberwocky]

I had alot of pretty journals with photos, train tickets, bird feathers i found each day, and whatever i could paste on them. For many years I really liked building them. Burned them all, and stopped journaling when i learned that my mom read them and showed them to her family behind my back. It was a bit traumatizing because those memories were really private and important to me. Plus it really hurt burning them because they were so pretty

 

[stardust10]

^That's so crap
I remember when my mum "accidentally" read my diaries or whatever you wanna call them as a kid. I was mortified and felt like everyone thought something was wrong with me. Probably right about that lol but was still embarrassing as anything.

 

[papercuts]

I had alot of pretty journals with photos, train tickets, bird feathers i found each day, and whatever i could paste on them. For many years I really liked building them. Burned them all, and stopped journaling when i learned that my mom read them and showed them to her family behind my back. It was a bit traumatizing because those memories were really private and important to me. Plus it really hurt burning them because they were so pretty

This happened to me as well, except it was my mum's new boyfriend she shared all my most intimate thoughts with, while they were deciding what they were keeping of mine after they decided we were all moving in together and I was to be brought back from other family I'd been living with because my mum found it embarrassing to not raise her own kids. I'd met this guy once at that point in time.

I hated diaries for a long time, I hated material possessions too, they persuaded me that I was hurt by my attachment to material things, not by their thoughtless actions in discarding everything belonging to me.

So I tried shunning all material possessions. A few years later I decided I didn't like being dirt poor after all

She is still indignant and offended that after she pulled a hundred stunts like that, I don't trust her!!!
Now I write a diary again, occassionally, a notebook with my insights from being stoned mostly! Deep thoughts.

 

[Jabberwocky]

This happened to me as well, except it was my mum's new boyfriend she shared all my most intimate thoughts with, while they were deciding what they were keeping of mine after they decided we were all moving in together and I was to be brought back from other family I'd been living with because my mum found it embarrassing to not raise her own kids. I'd met this guy once at that point in time.

I hated diaries for a long time, I hated material possessions too, they persuaded me that I was hurt by my attachment to material things, not by their thoughtless actions in discarding everything belonging to me.

So I tried shunning all material possessions. A few years later I decided I didn't like being dirt poor after all

She is still indignant and offended that after she pulled a hundred stunts like that, I don't trust her!!!
Now I write a diary again, occassionally, a notebook with my insights from being stoned mostly! Deep thoughts.

feel ya. No way in hell u can trust someone who disrespected you like that again. My mom loooved to take my stuff without asking too, and giving it away to god knows who. i never had any privacy at all until i lived alone, which left me with some sort of trauma similar to being sexually abused. All the stuff i write now is well hidden or in codes.