boomhs
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Dec 19, 2010
- Messages
- 221
Hei... I'm Pedro, not Mexican, Europe Mediterranean. Here's my life.
Long ago in years far away i smoked joints of regular weed... 3 times. from 1 to 3 increasing I had disassotiacion feelings, like cognitive functions wacked out, mentally felt "in and out" of "who i am, what i am, what is... life?". Slept. Woke up, symptoms remained somehow.
I was 14. Am 30. Life wrecked. Highschool was zombie like, not going out at nights (i was a precocious af). Stopped leaving home, stopped eating, bang committed to a good psych ward. Diazepam+Anafranil IV during 2 weeks i slept.
IMPORTANT, forgot: The unluck is such Efexor\Anafranil act on my "condition". Once the doc Joined both after a summer where i was in a beach house dead inside at 21yo. I started feeling weird... Distant, confused, crashed on floor and had spasms (according to mom). Had to stop both. 1 month after i wouldn't leave bed due to depressed state, got committed, Got again IV Anafranil..................................................................................... I wish dr House was real and would fken click this pseudo epileptic undiagnosed THINGY outta me.
Life after was hard. I was happy some time... some vacations... Yet all drank a few beers i drank 'till almost passing out... Then kept drinking... enrolled into film school with a whisky bottle in my backback daily (Now i smell whisky and puke). Result college dropout. Failure irl. Family dissapointed. Parents copped, sad. Tried dillies. Oxy. Heroin (all through Dark Web).
Realized i can't go into foreverness in a feel good haze of opioids\ates for € (i'm not poor tho, still lol) and for after some months of bliss ending up either killing myself (can't, would wreck family, wish i could), so would wind up in some Rehab.
Without... anything. I wake up. Feel sad. Feel so sad i need something, grab 3 beers. Then more. Then at night ask dad for wine. That's no life.
Enter Subutex. Some doc got me 2mg prescription warning "don't overdo". Well i was alive again. Used abused, got a gf, vacations. Ended up having to quit it. Still take it (tard psych is just my drug dealer, and is top country psych, but he knows(knew) w\o subutex i'd HAVE to drink. So he keeps me on it. I have shitload resistence but i guess helps in the cocktail.
Important P.S. announcement: I do not sleep. My fried head ended up revealing epilepsy traces. REM increased, atm all my nighttime is REM (nightmares to go insane). This is dr. House shit, but my psych is an idiot, would only put me on a sleep overnight exam if i dropped ALL PILLS. Fuck him piece of shit, if WITH benzos my REM is 95% isn't it fucking ALARMING?... Well hence before bed i drown in benzos
Enter pills which i've learnt and dealt with for years. Before bed i'm like:____ 2mg Xanax XR, 2x1mg Xanax regular, 30mg Diazepam. Now got my hands on Clonazepam, crushing and sublingual is GREAT. And from my granny got 75mg Pregabalin which i've done, and i know with Clonazepam is a buzz.
Problem: Depression Major is still here. So i got to know Ketamine (google "why Ketamine is the greatest drug on earth"-Vice Article). Or youtube it. So i got some grams... Went to the K-Hole... Now realized life is good just taking bits along the day (it's rly short action). Darkweb market down i'm almost out, oh well
Any input i'd thank. Ty bros. Bluelighter since 2010.
Edit: PS along the way lost all all friends, family same aged cousins... Am lonely child..
Long ago in years far away i smoked joints of regular weed... 3 times. from 1 to 3 increasing I had disassotiacion feelings, like cognitive functions wacked out, mentally felt "in and out" of "who i am, what i am, what is... life?". Slept. Woke up, symptoms remained somehow.
I was 14. Am 30. Life wrecked. Highschool was zombie like, not going out at nights (i was a precocious af). Stopped leaving home, stopped eating, bang committed to a good psych ward. Diazepam+Anafranil IV during 2 weeks i slept.
IMPORTANT, forgot: The unluck is such Efexor\Anafranil act on my "condition". Once the doc Joined both after a summer where i was in a beach house dead inside at 21yo. I started feeling weird... Distant, confused, crashed on floor and had spasms (according to mom). Had to stop both. 1 month after i wouldn't leave bed due to depressed state, got committed, Got again IV Anafranil..................................................................................... I wish dr House was real and would fken click this pseudo epileptic undiagnosed THINGY outta me.
Life after was hard. I was happy some time... some vacations... Yet all drank a few beers i drank 'till almost passing out... Then kept drinking... enrolled into film school with a whisky bottle in my backback daily (Now i smell whisky and puke). Result college dropout. Failure irl. Family dissapointed. Parents copped, sad. Tried dillies. Oxy. Heroin (all through Dark Web).
Realized i can't go into foreverness in a feel good haze of opioids\ates for € (i'm not poor tho, still lol) and for after some months of bliss ending up either killing myself (can't, would wreck family, wish i could), so would wind up in some Rehab.
Without... anything. I wake up. Feel sad. Feel so sad i need something, grab 3 beers. Then more. Then at night ask dad for wine. That's no life.
Enter Subutex. Some doc got me 2mg prescription warning "don't overdo". Well i was alive again. Used abused, got a gf, vacations. Ended up having to quit it. Still take it (tard psych is just my drug dealer, and is top country psych, but he knows(knew) w\o subutex i'd HAVE to drink. So he keeps me on it. I have shitload resistence but i guess helps in the cocktail.
Important P.S. announcement: I do not sleep. My fried head ended up revealing epilepsy traces. REM increased, atm all my nighttime is REM (nightmares to go insane). This is dr. House shit, but my psych is an idiot, would only put me on a sleep overnight exam if i dropped ALL PILLS. Fuck him piece of shit, if WITH benzos my REM is 95% isn't it fucking ALARMING?... Well hence before bed i drown in benzos
Enter pills which i've learnt and dealt with for years. Before bed i'm like:____ 2mg Xanax XR, 2x1mg Xanax regular, 30mg Diazepam. Now got my hands on Clonazepam, crushing and sublingual is GREAT. And from my granny got 75mg Pregabalin which i've done, and i know with Clonazepam is a buzz.
Problem: Depression Major is still here. So i got to know Ketamine (google "why Ketamine is the greatest drug on earth"-Vice Article). Or youtube it. So i got some grams... Went to the K-Hole... Now realized life is good just taking bits along the day (it's rly short action). Darkweb market down i'm almost out, oh well
Any input i'd thank. Ty bros. Bluelighter since 2010.
Edit: PS along the way lost all all friends, family same aged cousins... Am lonely child..
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