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I'm going to overdose with the next month once I obtain the heroin
- Thread starter tacodude
- Start date
Way to fucking highjack the thread Brittney... I would answer your questions, but that was rude as hell.
I'm going to go through the two nights of hell I need to and then I'll have the money to overdose fuck it. If I wasn't such a pussy I would go jump, but I know someone would stop me and I'm not letting that happen. I might walk in front of a car before then if it gets to be too much as at least that would be taken seriously if not kill me
I'm going to go through the two nights of hell I need to and then I'll have the money to overdose fuck it. If I wasn't such a pussy I would go jump, but I know someone would stop me and I'm not letting that happen. I might walk in front of a car before then if it gets to be too much as at least that would be taken seriously if not kill me
Rio Fantastic
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Wow. 5 pages of bitching about how nobody will help you and nobody cares, and then one other desperate person dares to ask for help and you bite their head off? Seriously tacoman?
Yes..... They could post anywhere, but come in this thread to post? That's the biggest fuck you to me I can think of. Whatever fuck it everyone is just going to criticize me. I'm done. I'm not coming back here. By Wednesday I'll be dead.
Bye
Bye
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Honestly taco... gotta agree here. She's never used the site before and also apologized. "The biggest fuck you to you" that you can imagine? Give me a break, man. I'm not sure exactly what you hope to gain from this thread at this point. What are you after?
Britney I'm going to move your question to its own thread so you can get some responses.
Britney I'm going to move your question to its own thread so you can get some responses.
Lobsterbutch
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I see you all around these boards and I'd say your one of the more prolific bluelighters here, always helpful and you're wicked smart dude. I'm speaking for myself, and you don't know me at all, but bluelight would not be the same without you, and it would certainly not be as good or useful.
FLEXURE
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Xork....Thank you on Britney's behalf. I saw that too.
Britney....I hope you don't consider that as an example of how you will be treated on this site. There are a lot of good people in here, who are understanding, and will gladly try to help.
Take Care.
R.
Obviously I'm in a bad space.... Sorry if I didn't realize without being told they don't know how to post even though they could've gone to other drugs and posted in the Suboxone thread, but yes to post in someone's thread who is just trying to not hold inside that they are thinking of killing themselves to ask a question like that is pretty much a "fuck you" to whoever's struggling. I would've said it even if it wasn't my post.
Anyways I'm in the ER hoping to get imaging because I'm too much of a pussy to jump to my death yet still thinking of overdosing. They seem to be taking the need to image seriously so hopefully something happens as my other plan besides suicide is attempt to start putting all my money into heroin so I can maintain a job to buy more heroin working 35 hours a week while somehow including physical therapy and non drug treatments as that would only last so long without and lead right back into thoughts of overdosing.
Xor as I said my only hope with this thread is to vent and document. I appreciate any words of support and advice and take it all to heart. The problem is when most assume I just need to grow up and be stronger and try failed treatments again as if it's my fault they fail and has nothing to do with being the inappropriate approach. Literally my primary care physician is bullshitting about tryin to refer me to the right specialists and imaging to diagnose smiling and nodding pretending to listen as they only write notes that make me look like a junkie (ignoring the pain or the rotted tooth that is close to my sinus causing pain they're yet writing I sold my phone for Dilaudid when the reality was I sold my phone because the bullshit 3 Dilaudid pills he wrote prevented me from getting a script when the pain was in my sinus and if I hadn't I would've jumped off the freeway as my parents wouldn't even help me get home, food, or anything let alone do anything about the exruciating pain) then telling me to go into an ORT program to ween off as if I haven't tried that or currently take methadone, which I do trying to get any sort of pain management as the attitude here is that methadone is used in pain management so going on methadone at an ORT facility should be equivalent. Obviously that's not the case when they want me to increase my dose 60 mg+ (as there's bullshit being pushed that anything below isn't theraputic just to make an excuse to force a blocking dose even though it just makes me nod harder during the day with more intense withdrawals at night increasing my dose higher than it's ever been) attempting to get 24 hour relief rather than allow me a split dose of 15 mg 2x a day that while it's not preferred due to the emotional excitement the NMDA antagonism causes me leading to impulsive actions and irrational behavior it would keep me stable enough not to use heroin unlike pushing me up to 60+ mg that likely would cause me to overdose. It's just ass backwards. If it doesn't change I just can't live like this.
Anyways I'm in the ER hoping to get imaging because I'm too much of a pussy to jump to my death yet still thinking of overdosing. They seem to be taking the need to image seriously so hopefully something happens as my other plan besides suicide is attempt to start putting all my money into heroin so I can maintain a job to buy more heroin working 35 hours a week while somehow including physical therapy and non drug treatments as that would only last so long without and lead right back into thoughts of overdosing.
Xor as I said my only hope with this thread is to vent and document. I appreciate any words of support and advice and take it all to heart. The problem is when most assume I just need to grow up and be stronger and try failed treatments again as if it's my fault they fail and has nothing to do with being the inappropriate approach. Literally my primary care physician is bullshitting about tryin to refer me to the right specialists and imaging to diagnose smiling and nodding pretending to listen as they only write notes that make me look like a junkie (ignoring the pain or the rotted tooth that is close to my sinus causing pain they're yet writing I sold my phone for Dilaudid when the reality was I sold my phone because the bullshit 3 Dilaudid pills he wrote prevented me from getting a script when the pain was in my sinus and if I hadn't I would've jumped off the freeway as my parents wouldn't even help me get home, food, or anything let alone do anything about the exruciating pain) then telling me to go into an ORT program to ween off as if I haven't tried that or currently take methadone, which I do trying to get any sort of pain management as the attitude here is that methadone is used in pain management so going on methadone at an ORT facility should be equivalent. Obviously that's not the case when they want me to increase my dose 60 mg+ (as there's bullshit being pushed that anything below isn't theraputic just to make an excuse to force a blocking dose even though it just makes me nod harder during the day with more intense withdrawals at night increasing my dose higher than it's ever been) attempting to get 24 hour relief rather than allow me a split dose of 15 mg 2x a day that while it's not preferred due to the emotional excitement the NMDA antagonism causes me leading to impulsive actions and irrational behavior it would keep me stable enough not to use heroin unlike pushing me up to 60+ mg that likely would cause me to overdose. It's just ass backwards. If it doesn't change I just can't live like this.
This is why I hate the hospital... They do nothing... Tell me they will do nothing and I can go home... Then take hours to discharge me while I can't just walk out because they have my belongings saying suicidal intent exists when I honestly have none now as I am planning to try to go back on heroin to go to my job and if that doesn't work I'll go back to planning on overdosing as the paycheck I would receive would be enough even if I only worked a couple days. Seriously an hour to see the doctor for five minutes then another hour or two to discharge. I fucking hate this place.
Primary care doctors are for simple things and most either cant or are not comfortable writing high narcotic prescriptions. Their job is to refer you to specialists to get things fixed not cover up symptoms with narcotics. You mention your tooth and the pain. I don't know what you expect him to do, write you all the opioids you want to cover up the problem. Common sense and logic tell you that the specialist you need to see for that is a dentist and/or oral surgeon, depending on the severity.
You said your on methadone, so no doctor is going to write you opioid scripts if they see that. You will not OD on methadone if you work your way up.
I hope you can get everything worked out. It may take some time and effort on your part and be open to a different way than you may want right now but there are many many different ways to control and deal with pain than just opioid medicines.
You said your on methadone, so no doctor is going to write you opioid scripts if they see that. You will not OD on methadone if you work your way up.
I hope you can get everything worked out. It may take some time and effort on your part and be open to a different way than you may want right now but there are many many different ways to control and deal with pain than just opioid medicines.
Rio Fantastic
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Tacoman, I'm currently reading "Man's Search for Meaning". Have you read it? It's about a psychiatrist who was in concentration camps for years during the holocaust and how he got through it by finding some meaning in his suffering to endure it and resist the temptation to commit suicide (which he, and all the other camp prisoners, thought about many times). I think the book could be of great value to you. Unless, of course - do you think you're worse off than a Jew in Dachau or Auschwitz?
BehindtheShadow
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Ive always wanted to read this book - puts things into perspective
Beenbetter
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Sounds like a very interesting and eye opening book. I’ll check into it for sure.
Haven't read it
I've been begging for osteopathic to diagnose the back now also asking chiropractic to go with physical therapy to guide the exercise.... I did have a PM who had a psychiatrist and pharmacist at every appointment, but they only saw me every 8 weeks off the bat scripting me on top of the methadone leaving me on it as a dose for pain at the ORT clinic refusing to replace it with the morphine ER equivalent (60 mg), which I was taking at night while also giving me 2 my hydromorphone when I asked for 4 knowing I needed 8 trying to work with them. Even telling them I would relapse at that dose doing my best not to they still wanted to get rid of the hydromorphone not even 8 weeks after beginning to prescribe it. It was a bullshit plan and they treated it like it was my fault it was so strange when I got on the methadone to push through 2 weeks to get clean pee for them as well as not give up all pain management using something that they could easily convert. Instead they left me on it as if it was working when I get emotional excitement making me more prone to careless and impulsive behavior like aggressive attitude or suicidal ideation. I would get off the methadone if I could, but even at 10-20 mg the withdrawals are too much. Their solution is to take more methadone like an addict trying to make it last longer rather than split dose realistic amounts as I'm treated as a junkie just looking for management I can get high on top of rather than someone trying to stabilize on as low of a dose as possible...
Again when the assistant medical director is calling me, "fucking kid" essentially screaming throughout the lobby in front of 5-10 client it is not a therapeutic environment where I get the respect anyone deserves I expect so they will make the right decisions rather than the standard one size fits all solution that pushes everyone up to 60-80 mg stating only doses higher than that are therapeutic when it's just a blocking dose... How do they expect people to ween off? Why does someone wanting to quit need to be clean for 9 months to get the take home to split dose so that it can be reduced to doses of <60 mg closer to 5-10. The dehumanization of drug user especially opiod addicts reminds me of the Holocaust... It's only two steps to camps (forced treatment) and extermination (criminalization) while I am making exaggerated connections it is as close as we can get in our times. I just can't deal with living with it unable to change it when I don't even want to change it just for my benefit when people tell me to give up because others struggle with it as if I don't know. It's just fucking wrong all of it... I'd run for president to end it if I could.
I've been begging for osteopathic to diagnose the back now also asking chiropractic to go with physical therapy to guide the exercise.... I did have a PM who had a psychiatrist and pharmacist at every appointment, but they only saw me every 8 weeks off the bat scripting me on top of the methadone leaving me on it as a dose for pain at the ORT clinic refusing to replace it with the morphine ER equivalent (60 mg), which I was taking at night while also giving me 2 my hydromorphone when I asked for 4 knowing I needed 8 trying to work with them. Even telling them I would relapse at that dose doing my best not to they still wanted to get rid of the hydromorphone not even 8 weeks after beginning to prescribe it. It was a bullshit plan and they treated it like it was my fault it was so strange when I got on the methadone to push through 2 weeks to get clean pee for them as well as not give up all pain management using something that they could easily convert. Instead they left me on it as if it was working when I get emotional excitement making me more prone to careless and impulsive behavior like aggressive attitude or suicidal ideation. I would get off the methadone if I could, but even at 10-20 mg the withdrawals are too much. Their solution is to take more methadone like an addict trying to make it last longer rather than split dose realistic amounts as I'm treated as a junkie just looking for management I can get high on top of rather than someone trying to stabilize on as low of a dose as possible...
Again when the assistant medical director is calling me, "fucking kid" essentially screaming throughout the lobby in front of 5-10 client it is not a therapeutic environment where I get the respect anyone deserves I expect so they will make the right decisions rather than the standard one size fits all solution that pushes everyone up to 60-80 mg stating only doses higher than that are therapeutic when it's just a blocking dose... How do they expect people to ween off? Why does someone wanting to quit need to be clean for 9 months to get the take home to split dose so that it can be reduced to doses of <60 mg closer to 5-10. The dehumanization of drug user especially opiod addicts reminds me of the Holocaust... It's only two steps to camps (forced treatment) and extermination (criminalization) while I am making exaggerated connections it is as close as we can get in our times. I just can't deal with living with it unable to change it when I don't even want to change it just for my benefit when people tell me to give up because others struggle with it as if I don't know. It's just fucking wrong all of it... I'd run for president to end it if I could.
Chronicpain54
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- Feb 21, 2018
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I'm having trouble trying to figure out what you are saying. I know it may sound mean or bad to you, but if you could use proper punctuation I could understand exactly what is going on.
You are getting methadone from where? A pain clinic or a Methadone clinic?
If it's a Methadone clinic then all patients are required to have clean urine and don't get take homes for many months. Everyone there is under the same conditions that you are...it's just the way they operate. Once you prove you are following guidelines then you get take homes and can split them anyway you want, once a day, twice a day or three times a day.
If you are going to pain management then you should be getting prescriptions for Methadone and you can decide when to take the pills.
Is the problem that you don't want Methadone at all and are mad that they won't prescribe anymore hydromorphone? Because at my pain clinic I started on Methadone and after I showed that I was compliant and had clean urine he started adding in breakthrough medicine like oxy and norco, then klonopin, gabapentin and various migraine medications like Relpax, promethazine, Zofran and a blood pressure medicine to help prevent migraines. None of it happened quickly and doses were small to begin with.
I've read all 8 pages and yet I'm still struggling with understanding. A tooth ache requires a dentist, not the ER, and if you're in pain management they will slowly add medication as you go along, as well as xrays and MRIs but they don't do all those tests or give a lot of medicine to begin with.
A methadone clinic will only give take homes after many months of showing compliance.
Perhaps you could clear up some questions so we understand better, and try to use punctuation more? Without punctuation it can read like one thing is happening when it's something else.
You are getting methadone from where? A pain clinic or a Methadone clinic?
If it's a Methadone clinic then all patients are required to have clean urine and don't get take homes for many months. Everyone there is under the same conditions that you are...it's just the way they operate. Once you prove you are following guidelines then you get take homes and can split them anyway you want, once a day, twice a day or three times a day.
If you are going to pain management then you should be getting prescriptions for Methadone and you can decide when to take the pills.
Is the problem that you don't want Methadone at all and are mad that they won't prescribe anymore hydromorphone? Because at my pain clinic I started on Methadone and after I showed that I was compliant and had clean urine he started adding in breakthrough medicine like oxy and norco, then klonopin, gabapentin and various migraine medications like Relpax, promethazine, Zofran and a blood pressure medicine to help prevent migraines. None of it happened quickly and doses were small to begin with.
I've read all 8 pages and yet I'm still struggling with understanding. A tooth ache requires a dentist, not the ER, and if you're in pain management they will slowly add medication as you go along, as well as xrays and MRIs but they don't do all those tests or give a lot of medicine to begin with.
A methadone clinic will only give take homes after many months of showing compliance.
Perhaps you could clear up some questions so we understand better, and try to use punctuation more? Without punctuation it can read like one thing is happening when it's something else.
I did the same exact thing as you with the methadone and they essentially treated as a dose as if it was one up could take at home in pain and not one I need to force myself to get up and walk to possibly dealing with the regulations everyone there deals with, because they treat dependencies not pain, very often leaving me destabilizing in the morning when I not only can't get my dose on time, but have to go through unnecessary stress to get my dose just walking there, let alone the other bullshit.
I wouldn't care what they scripted me as long as it doesn't have side effects like methadone does due to the NMDA antagonism in my experience that I can use while transitioning into non drug treatments my issues prevent me from so it stops feeling like I am repeatedly getting hit in the back with a baseball bat while trying to sleep. I prefer the sustained released oxycodone for maintenance even if they are the OP at a dose like 20-40 mg twice a day to start with breakthrough dose of preferably oxymorphone due to long half life and if I'm not mistaken a metabolite of oxycodone although hydromorphone or regular morphine would be fine.
I understand I'm asking what is considered a lot because many people can't access it, but to put it bluntly then I'm not only asking for my access. I want everyone who's in need to have access so there's no street demand than nothing need for excessive regulations that become restrictions more than regulations.
My grammar is horrid when I try to express such a stressful situation I hate reliving every day becoming ongoing trauma. In the hood when someone says they think someone is following them out to get them it's believable even if it's not reality yet living in an over populated city it's more likely to be blown off as paranoia when in fact it's more likely to be reality... I'm not expressing this concept right, but I hope people understand.
I wouldn't care what they scripted me as long as it doesn't have side effects like methadone does due to the NMDA antagonism in my experience that I can use while transitioning into non drug treatments my issues prevent me from so it stops feeling like I am repeatedly getting hit in the back with a baseball bat while trying to sleep. I prefer the sustained released oxycodone for maintenance even if they are the OP at a dose like 20-40 mg twice a day to start with breakthrough dose of preferably oxymorphone due to long half life and if I'm not mistaken a metabolite of oxycodone although hydromorphone or regular morphine would be fine.
I understand I'm asking what is considered a lot because many people can't access it, but to put it bluntly then I'm not only asking for my access. I want everyone who's in need to have access so there's no street demand than nothing need for excessive regulations that become restrictions more than regulations.
My grammar is horrid when I try to express such a stressful situation I hate reliving every day becoming ongoing trauma. In the hood when someone says they think someone is following them out to get them it's believable even if it's not reality yet living in an over populated city it's more likely to be blown off as paranoia when in fact it's more likely to be reality... I'm not expressing this concept right, but I hope people understand.
Dude im in the same place you are.
Im 48 years old.
I have severely agravating shoulder pain due to several rotator cuff tears. My back has a herniated l5s1 disk and bulgesin every disk up my spin and neck.
My knees hurt and when i try to jog they almost give out and i am afraid someday i will hit the ground face first.
And i have learned my coworkers are stalking me. This isnt paranoia, to make sure i bought a sports camera and mounted it on my backpack. The videos are quite clear what they are doing. But the police wont do anything unless im attacked. I cant tell work or they will claim my job is not needed and fire me.
So i do the only thing i can....i do what ever the hell i want. Like you, i dont care if i die tomorrow so i enjoy my poppy seed tea and somas everymorning. I use about 1/4-1/3lb of seed a day and 10 somas throughout the day.
No i dont see myself as an addict. My pain is real..both physical and emotional. Fuck doctors. They got me hooked on opana during my first rotator cuff tear then abandoned me when they realized i was eating them like candy...and yes i mean abandon...in todays world i would sue the guy and make a bank roll. He left me high and drt to detox on my own.
My coworkers...i poke at them to a point where im fucking with them. They think i dont know about their gang stalking so i make subtle comments. And say things to try to provoke the stalking knowing that it will be recorded...maybe a payday there...
But fuck dude dont quit life. Run your life like you always dreamed. Do what ever you want. Get high, drink in public(like me) when i see a cop i can down a 24oz in seconds and then claim im collecting cans....oh that beer smell on my breath. Oh that was from earlier. I know not to drink and drive so i walk officer...lololol
Dont quit life. If anything fuck with the world. Have fun....when i go shopping my german english chinese accent comes out. Its funny. People dont know what to say...am i for real????
What im saying dude is dont OD.
Find a reason to live like i did.
I thought of doing the same thing you are thinking. Then i got angry that the world pushed me to that point so now i fuck with the world in a fun and funny way.
And at some point i am going to edit and put the stalking videos either on all the work computers or create a facebook account and accidentally email a link to some funny videos.
People will be quitting from embarrassment...guarenteed.
Im 48 years old.
I have severely agravating shoulder pain due to several rotator cuff tears. My back has a herniated l5s1 disk and bulgesin every disk up my spin and neck.
My knees hurt and when i try to jog they almost give out and i am afraid someday i will hit the ground face first.
And i have learned my coworkers are stalking me. This isnt paranoia, to make sure i bought a sports camera and mounted it on my backpack. The videos are quite clear what they are doing. But the police wont do anything unless im attacked. I cant tell work or they will claim my job is not needed and fire me.
So i do the only thing i can....i do what ever the hell i want. Like you, i dont care if i die tomorrow so i enjoy my poppy seed tea and somas everymorning. I use about 1/4-1/3lb of seed a day and 10 somas throughout the day.
No i dont see myself as an addict. My pain is real..both physical and emotional. Fuck doctors. They got me hooked on opana during my first rotator cuff tear then abandoned me when they realized i was eating them like candy...and yes i mean abandon...in todays world i would sue the guy and make a bank roll. He left me high and drt to detox on my own.
My coworkers...i poke at them to a point where im fucking with them. They think i dont know about their gang stalking so i make subtle comments. And say things to try to provoke the stalking knowing that it will be recorded...maybe a payday there...
But fuck dude dont quit life. Run your life like you always dreamed. Do what ever you want. Get high, drink in public(like me) when i see a cop i can down a 24oz in seconds and then claim im collecting cans....oh that beer smell on my breath. Oh that was from earlier. I know not to drink and drive so i walk officer...lololol
Dont quit life. If anything fuck with the world. Have fun....when i go shopping my german english chinese accent comes out. Its funny. People dont know what to say...am i for real????
What im saying dude is dont OD.
Find a reason to live like i did.
I thought of doing the same thing you are thinking. Then i got angry that the world pushed me to that point so now i fuck with the world in a fun and funny way.
And at some point i am going to edit and put the stalking videos either on all the work computers or create a facebook account and accidentally email a link to some funny videos.
People will be quitting from embarrassment...guarenteed.
I have reasons to live, but have reasons not to as well. It gets complicated... I don't have anyone out to get me, but there are those out to take advantage of vulnerable people like me is what I meant to refer to. That's crazy your coworkers are such dicks. Make sure you carry mace... Bear mace