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friend with bpd broke up with me

K

kasumiga

Greenlighter
Joined
Sep 20, 2017
Messages
8
we've been friends for a year and he lives in a different state. it was just occasional texting but the last couple of months more so and phone calls. he's visited my city a couple of times (used to live here) and we had a great time. he asked me to do him a favor and i tried but couldn't make it happen. after i told him it wasn't going to happen it came through. but he had changed his mind (which is fine) however i felt he did't seem appreciative and was dismissive about it. i had to move heaven and earth to make it happen. so i texted him that my feelings where hurt. big mistake (wish i had read all these forums beforehand!) he sent a long raving text back and i tried to calm things down and they seemed to. then a couple of days later he sent a break up text and "unfriended" me. now that i know more about his condition i don't hold any grudge and still want to be friends. i have 2 questions...1)why did he
send a break up text and not just ghost me. he said things like "i thought about what you did" "we are not compatible" what could be his thoughts that he
took this extra effort and it feels like he was trying to hurt in between also saying seemingly nice things. 2) i want to reach out and let him know i'm still there for him. those of you with experience...how long should i wait? i've been told don't wait to long and others say wait at least a month. and what should i say that is not pushy or expecting anything from him. something gentle to let him know we don't need to discuss it or anything. truthfully i felt a sort of relief because he has the classic bpd energy that is so compelling but he is in so much pain (i knew that from the start) i know i can't help him but i can still be in his life as this is not a love relationship. thanks for any help
 
You've been friends for only a year and it's (apparently) not a romantic relationship. This is not a long time to know someone and you have presumably few, if any, ties to each other. For that reason I would advise that you don't expend any mental energy on this. I dated a girl with BPD for about a year and although I thought I could deal with it and made a big effort to understand, in the end it was hugely stressful and I would say even a little psychologically damaging, and I was fortunate that it ended when it did.

In answer to your questions, the motivations of BPD sufferers are often going to be hard to discern and confusing for anyone affected by them, BPD is undoubtedly a very painful and dark place to be and this person is likely suffering from a range of cognitive distortions that affect how they perceive reality as well as their relationship with yourself. The classic BPD pattern is that at the beginning of a relationship or friendship they seem like highly magnetic, likeable people, and it's hard to imagine that anything could ever go wrong in the future. This is partly down to the fact that BPD suffers have a fractured sense of self and therefore quickly mold their behaviour and personality to fit that of whatever new person they are with - this is also why relationships with a BPD sufferer can in the start seem almost too good to be true... because unfortunately, healthy friendships and relationships rarely begin in such a whirlwind of positivity (obviously some of them do for some lucky people but this is a rarity).

During this period BPD sufferers will often build their unsuspecting partner up in their minds also, so that they are an idealised but again not real version of the person they are actually with. Unfortunately BPD sufferers lack the skills to properly deal with conflict so as there is the first hint of conflict or argument the cracks in this false version of reality will quickly start to show, and things will go the other way, the BPD sufferer likely catastrophising any minor slight, real or imagined, and the idealised picture in their head quickly turns to a much darker image. This period is obviously very confusing and stressful for the non-BPD partner, because of how quickly things have shifted, and unfortunately the actions of the BPD sufferer during this time, although they seem perfectly fair and just to the perpetrator, can often amount to emotional abuse. Any attempts at reasoning things out will often fail.

For these reasons again I would not entertain the thought of trying to reach out to them. If they decide to reach out to you, even then I would urge you to exercise caution and approach the situation only if and when you feel psychologically strong enough to do so.
 
you dont even see each other and you are friends

if he wants to not be friends let him

end of

find people locally to be friends with so you can have real interactions and social support
 
Hi,

Unfortunately, if this person is a true Borderline Personality Disordered person, this will keep happening with him over and over with you and everyone in his life. If this is really what you want to experience with a "friend" then do what you think you need to do to patch things up, but I would advise you to move on. There are lots of people in this world that are much more worthy of your love, friendship, time and attention. You deserve better, since you appear to have your shit together and this person does not and will not without many years of intensive professional help, if ever.
 
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The other posters are absolutely right, let this one go. Having BPD causes tremendous emotional pain and if I go off on someone, I usually feel extreme guilt and regret it down the line. Fear of abandonment (real or imagined) can make me push a person away before they get a chance to push me away.

I do understand it’s hard dealing with such personalities. He sent a ranting and raving “breakup text” to you. You want to reach out which is sweet, but you need to just forget about him for now. Don’t set yourself up for more punishment.

How old is he? He will need a lot of therapy, but maybe he can grow out of that behavior. I think age has made me settle down to some extent.
 
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thank you for your reply. i feel ok about it actually. however...could you tell me what could the other person say to you after you "went off" on them letting you know that they are not mad. and that i'm still there for him if you chooses.
 
Wow. You sure know what's up! As was stated, they have cognitive distortions, so they can't really see true reality. They are incapable of having an adult discussion about any relationship stuff. It would be comical if it wasn't happening to you. They see the world in all or nothing terms. You will see, that symptom is for sure. Not every bpd has every symptom obviously, but there are a couple that all share. Another is an extreme preoccupation with abandonment and taking petty things very personally...starting quarrels like it's a job.
Vastness said:
You've been friends for only a year and it's (apparently) not a romantic relationship. This is not a long time to know someone and you have presumably few, if any, ties to each other. For that reason I would advise that you don't expend any mental energy on this. I dated a girl with BPD for about a year and although I thought I could deal with it and made a big effort to understand, in the end it was hugely stressful and I would say even a little psychologically damaging, and I was fortunate that it ended when it did.

In answer to your questions, the motivations of BPD sufferers are often going to be hard to discern and confusing for anyone affected by them, BPD is undoubtedly a very painful and dark place to be and this person is likely suffering from a range of cognitive distortions that affect how they perceive reality as well as their relationship with yourself. The classic BPD pattern is that at the beginning of a relationship or friendship they seem like highly magnetic, likeable people, and it's hard to imagine that anything could ever go wrong in the future. This is partly down to the fact that BPD suffers have a fractured sense of self and therefore quickly mold their behaviour and personality to fit that of whatever new person they are with - this is also why relationships with a BPD sufferer can in the start seem almost too good to be true... because unfortunately, healthy friendships and relationships rarely begin in such a whirlwind of positivity (obviously some of them do for some lucky people but this is a rarity).

During this period BPD sufferers will often build their unsuspecting partner up in their minds also, so that they are an idealised but again not real version of the person they are actually with. Unfortunately BPD sufferers lack the skills to properly deal with conflict so as there is the first hint of conflict or argument the cracks in this false version of reality will quickly start to show, and things will go the other way, the BPD sufferer likely catastrophising any minor slight, real or imagined, and the idealised picture in their head quickly turns to a much darker image. This period is obviously very confusing and stressful for the non-BPD partner, because of how quickly things have shifted, and unfortunately the actions of the BPD sufferer during this time, although they seem perfectly fair and just to the perpetrator, can often amount to emotional abuse. Any attempts at reasoning things out will often fail.

For these reasons again I would not entertain the thought of trying to reach out to them. If they decide to reach out to you, even then I would urge you to exercise caution and approach the situation only if and when you feel psychologically strong enough to do so.
Click to expand...
 
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kasumiga said:
thank you for your reply. i feel ok about it actually. however...could you tell me what could the other person say to you after you "went off" on them letting you know that they are not mad. and that i'm still there for him if you chooses.
Click to expand...

What you said seems nice enough. Let the person know that you are still there for him and that you’re not upset. You could try that, but I still think it’s in your best interest to let it go until he gets himself together.

DBT is the specific therapy for BPD. Was he trying to get help at all while you were friends? We feel emotions very strongly, but we are not bad people. I can only speak for myself though. I just get sick of the stigma I see on the intranets.
 
he was diagnosed as bipolar. looking that up i discovered the whole misdiagnoses thing which led here. he is not in any therapy now (but had been in the past) and is very isolated where he is living now and i don't think he's doing well at all and his situation will only get worse in the future. a friend suggested i say "missing you, hope time can heal clear up misunderstandings". i don't want him to feel that i'm asking anything of him and i don't want to remind him of how he blew up. also....how long should i wait, it's been almost two weeks. everyone is saying to just step away but i feel like that would be cruel ....as you say you feel emotions very strongly (i noticed that early on about him) and i'm not really around him so i'm safe.
 
^ yeah i wondered if you meant bipolar :) I am referring to Borderline Personality Disorder :)
 
I was referring to borderline personality disorder too. Bipolar and BPD have similarities in certain areas. Drop him a line then. You don’t have to wait long. :)
 
he exhibits all the characteristics of BPD. down the line check check and check. if had known two weeks ago what i know now....and would someone please tell me what to say exactly :) this is uncharted territory for me. i want to say just the right thing.
 
BPD as an acronym is stupid

next time state the disorder

bipolars can be really up and down so can borderlines.

both can be manipulative and moody, at the same time

borderlines get a lot of fear of rejections, idealisation and spilting yoyo'ing from i love you to i hate you to make it seem cartoonish

bipolars go through up periods that are long where "everything is amazing" until it begins to go off the rails, and depression where they have pissed of everyone while manic and become isolated and unable to derive pleasure so interactions often cease

when manic you love everything, when depressed everything hates you. not that different from borderline personality


to make it more confusing bipolars have high comorbidity with borderline personailities

there is a lot of overlap in terms of how you will feel with interacting with them in terms of interpersonal relationship instability. the experience of being their friend however will be different
 
he doesn't seem bipolar. his moods are day to day. i know because he posts everything on FB. unless it's the comorbidity thing. i just think he was misdiagnosed a long time ago when there wasn't as much awareness. plus he's got the whole childhood trauma.
 
BPD usually means borderline personality disorder. A person can be both bipolar and have BPD, like me. Even though I think the BPD traits have lessened with age.

kasumiga, you can say “Miss you! Just know I am always here for you.” Short and sweet.
 
thank you! i'm learning so much the last couple of weeks. and unfortunately for him is hasn't....he's 49 and cannot cope and keep his life together at all.
 
That sounds rough for him. You seem like a sweet person! Hopefully things work out. If he gets back in touch and is emotionally abusive, it’s ok to walk away without feeling guilty. You’re very caring, but you have to look out for your own mental health.
 
so i sent him a text that "true friends have up and downs" and "i will always be there" and he responded "thank you" and used my name. what can i say to let him know i don't want to rehash things...just want to move on as things happen between friends. and since he has responded to my text does that mean he wants to resume and realized that he just lashed out in anger in the moment?
 
SamanthaB said:
Hi,

Unfortunately, if this person is a true Borderline Personality Disordered person, this will keep happening with him over and over with you and everyone in his life. If this is really what you want to experience with a "friend" then do what you think you need to do to patch things up, but I would advise you to move on. There are lots of people in this world that are much more worthy of your love, friendship, time and attention. You deserve better, since you appear to have your shit together and this person does not and will not without many years of intensive professional help, if ever.
Click to expand...

I agree with all of this. Find someone else, and good luck to you.

I know it's blunt or you might not want to face this fact but you are never going to have a fulfilling relationship or even a friendship with someone like this, or who has a personality disorder/mental illness and who refuses to get help for it.
 
kasumiga said:
so i sent him a text that "true friends have up and downs" and "i will always be there" and he responded "thank you" and used my name. what can i say to let him know i don't want to rehash things...just want to move on as things happen between friends. and since he has responded to my text does that mean he wants to resume and realized that he just lashed out in anger in the moment?
Click to expand...
It means that he was thankful at the time he responded to you. Trying to read anything else into it is a trap, as is the idea that anything you say will have a significant impact on how this person is feeling, because for BPD sufferers interactions with other people are just a faded backdrop to the unending turbulence going on within their own mind. You will no doubt realise this yourself eventually whether you accept other people's advice or not, go. Until then, good luck to you.
 
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