Thanks, those were two of the best messages I have ever gotten on here. And, I read them before I just sniffed 50 milligrams (I managed to grab today) and now I am going to re-read and respond to both of you. I got my H today so I can keep sniffing and I don't need to worry about running out, it will be a lovely weekend! I just had a phone call with my buddy which was nice, while coming up on my half-point which hit quite nicely after 6 hours.
ABW, I am sorry you are not getting attention that is shitty situation to be in, especially from drinking being involved. I am sorry. That really sucks, you should try and fix that. Especially if you are a lot of fun like why let that go to waste? Well, sometimes I get really frustrated but I never give up. My self confidence with women is way up this year and I talk to women as much as I can... I agree, it's not about having a job. I have a lot more than that. I am at ease with myself and my problems. I'm really healthy and fit apart from the drugs, I look damn good I must say and I mean that's more of a lifestyle thing than an attraction thing to point out. If you look at me you can tell I put a lot of effort into my health and appearance, I take time to dress right, etc. I take care of my body and hygiene, I'm definitely intelligent, and humorous, very social actually so I recognize I have a lot going for me and my education is great. I have the confidence for sure I'm still just a little confused and clueless : p
By the way, I am applying for part time jobs that are definitely *below me* right now because it's what I want. It will build character and self confidence, and help me save money or at least support my heroin habit until I get my career going. Get me back into the workplace after chronic pain took me out for a while. Fuck, I'm hoping to hear back from the woman who interviewed me today but I haven't yet. It's a job that would be kinda like you described, but I'd be high on heroin and I'd probably be really grateful to have it and love it. And it gives me a chance to meet girls too since I don't really have any friends around her anymore.
I've gotten a couple numbers, gotten rejected a couple times so far this year, lol. There is one girl named Emily who I am fucking crazy about and I am chasing her at this health store next week. Probably nothing will happen it is by no means anything like a date, but I think she might like me, and well, I definitely like her. Like is an understatement. I am fucking crazy about this girl. She is beautiful and I am going after her, we've had a few conversations in person and then email correspondence. She noticed my engineering ring and started talking to me at her work which involves organic health care products that are all like herbs and stuff, she is really chill. She gave me a hand massage when I asked for a sample of something and she pretty much was doing it like she was jerking me off I don't know how the fuck she did that to my hands but I was like wow you do that well lol and she looked at me and said "anytime" like really seriously, so I was like fuck you are so flirting with me. I have to fuck this girl. I'd get into her more but like she's just a really gorgeous chick I met who was pretty clearly flirting with me. Oh... and I'd get into her, lol. If you catch what I'm saying. She's so fucking hot, and since I still do a lot of yoga I don't lose my sex drive from opiates. I used to... I lost it for a while, but with regular yoga practice I'm as horny as ever since exercise increases testosterone levels. I also don't watch any porn because I think it can fuck with male sexuality, since I've done these things I hit on women whenever I see someone interesting, or whenever I get a flirting cue you could say. I am very much confident in my growing ability to hit on girls I like and fuck up and learn from my mistakes.
So, I do not sell myself short at all. I don't know why I wrote that I'm really just getting fed up. I am a good guy it shouldn't have been this long, especially since I've been trying hard all year to meet people. I'm not really shy and I am not afraid to talk to any girl like I used to be growing up. I know what I am. A pretty sexy beast for a messed up junkie in chronic pain, lol. My past girlfriend used to always tell me, that I'm lucky that I'm cute lol since that is pretty much why that crazy girl put up with me for so long.
And I get what you mean about numbing and then the rebound drive - for me, lowering my dose a bit, and then keeping really up with yoga as in like 2 hours a day several days of the week, has done wonders for my sex drive. It is weird because as a heroin addict I am still really horny now, it's definitely from the exercise/meditation because after my yoga practice a few hours later I get even hornier. There were periods of time when I was so numb that I wouldn't really look at women for say a month straight or longer. I was being satisfied by other means, but I'm not like that now. I'm pissed the fuck off and I want a good lay, a really good one. Maybe I can somehow, someway, hit up this Emily girl. I have a chance next week. I really like her a lot.
So long as I have someone like her to chase and keep me preoccupied, I'm happy lol.
Trevor, so you found that peace and then lost it! Sounds kinda like me. Dude problem with me is I am severely mentally ill and my chronic pain is so bad I can't walk without an opiate in my body. I'm self-medicating with opiates - my panic disorder, chronic physical agony ongoing 8 years, and borderline personality disorder which is a shit thing to have. I was always heavily into athletics and before my spine injury I was around 220 lbs. I was right jacked, these days I'm just fit looking from all the yoga and also quite flexible. I am going to practice today after lunch, a good 2 hours. I'm excited since I took a couple days off when I was low on dope (I only do yoga on opiates, otherwise I'm in too much pain, even months later so quitting opiates means quitting yoga for me too which is complete shit, I mean it's practically my religion and also my coping mechanism.
So, it is a complicated situation that's all. Now that I'm nice and medicated, I am going to get a deep yoga session in this afternoon. A lot of yin passive asanas but also I am going for some 10 minute downward dogs just to rip my chest and shoulders and well full body. The thing I like about yoga is that my body looks and feels so balanced from it. It's the only form of exercise I ever really do, and I look fucking great from it dude. Like actually pretty big too, I take three different types of protein and I'm a vegetarian but I have whey protein, hemp protein, and a vegan protein made from coconut, quinoa, and brown rice. Basically I'm just healthy as fuck but a heroin user with chronic pain and mental illness that is treated very well by the H.
Oh man I don't really care if she's a knockout perfect girl, I want to meet a girl who I can connect with on a deep level. Because I put so much effort into my health and appearance, I expect the same from her though, and I like a girl whose appearance kinda matches with mine because it's just cute. I dunno man in many ways you could say I am a romantic. Dude I see what you are saying man. However money and a part time job will bring me a lot of great things: a steady H supply, spending money to do fun things, the ability to meet people and make new friends, all sorts of stuff. Character building from the hard work that I'm overqualified for. I am lonely these days that's for sure, but it's not stopping me from trying my best to improve the situation. Even if I stay on heroin and moderate my use, there are soooo many other ways I can look into improving my life. Like the part time job is really just a stepping stone into a great career with my education that I worked for. That will make me happy dude, not the money but being self sustaining and having a place in society. Meeting a cutie which will happen for sure, dope or no dope I am a good catch for a girl if she can ignore the mental illness and opiates. Which I think will be a lot easier for me if I keep needles out of the picture. Of course it's not going to be something I bring up on the first date, lol. How fucked up I am in ways but honestly there is someone gorgeous out there for me I know that. I'm just too different from the norm. Yeah I've been to some dark places but now I know what it's like to suffer. Chronic pain and isolation and frustration and all this shit has changed my perspective on life and I want to help others with my time on this planet. Other people who are suffering too.
I'm doing well. Today is a good day. I really hope I hear back about one of those part time jobs I would honestly be so, so, so damn much happier even if I am university educated and it isn't required at all. It's still a place in society, it would still be wonderful and fun. I can't help feeling alone right now but I can make an effort to do my best to change things for the better. Like, I'm not just going to get pissed at myself and then never talk to another girl and tell myself I am a loner. That's not how I work... I am going to chase some tail and I mean women who I can really connect with and who are also hot. Like Emily. lollllll omg I'm just making a fool of myself. I am fucking crazy about this girl though and I get to see her this coming week. Maybe I will find the strength to ask her out if our little encounter is going well.
So, I am going to make some healthy buckwheat crepes and then do my yoga practice. Thanks for the nice messages they were so different and also both so helpful. I'm cutting back on my H use but I'm not ready to quit. Cutting back is enough for me presently, and I'm doing well with that. I don't want to take this so far that I end up using needles and chasing highs my whole life when I should be sniffing my dope, cutting back, and chasing after Emily instead. Haha. I suppose I have a crush on someone you might say : )
I have to ask her out this time, she is so adorable and I can't even imagine how good sex with her would be... well I can, and I want her bad. She'd be way better than any heroin, any E, any drug it's not even comparable, she is just a beautiful person inside and out. From what I can tell anyway, and I know enough that I would screw her right away, and get to know her better afterwards. I wouldn't even know where to start I just want anything and everything god... She's really nice to me and friendly as well and wished me a happy birthday too. I need someone chill like her. I have to at least try, we've chatted quite a bit and I really like her a lot. Like... yeah. I think I mentioned I was crazy about her. Such a damn cutie it's like how is she even real.
Peace!
