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Heroin recovery

B

Bright_Star*

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Joined
Apr 20, 2017
Messages
14
Hi,

my mum recently made a post about my addiction to heroin, and suggested I join this site. So I'm new here. I want to tell you about my struggle with heroin addiction. Now I'm 20, and I just got out of this 5 day rehab thing.

This started like, a few months ago because I had been depressed for a long time and suffer from anxiety. Also, my life is pretty boring, and lonely. I got into heroin for those reasons. I just wanted to feel some kind of happiness. I just wanted to feel something, anything... That would make me forget about everything else. First time, I picked some up from the town. I was scared and nervous, but also excited and anticipated. What would happen. So he gave me a little bag of the stuff and first time I tried it made me feel really sick. I guess I took too much at one time or something because of my inexperience with drugs. Also I IVed it even the first time so that might have contributed. But I still had some left and figured I shouldn't waste it and I should use the rest. I thought I had the willpower not to get addicted, but I was wrong. Because the second time I did it, it was amazing, I can't even describe it. It was like, all of my worries just melted away, into nothingness, and I felt sooo relaxed. It was just a really warm feeling – probably, the best I’ve ever felt. After that, I became so relaxed I immediately fell asleep. But after waking up, I felt like I needed it again. That was when I knew I was hooked.

I always went to the local park or the public bathroom to get high or do it late at night when everyone else is asleep so I don't get caught by anyone. Even then, as time went on, it became hard to hide it... I felt better for a little while. I felt like I finally had something to live for. Finally I had a reason to wake up every day. Knowing this made me count down the hours every day... But even though it made me feel good for a little while, my problems didn't just disappear. I started to need it rather than want it, and realise that I all I wanted was to feel the same way I did that second time I tried it. And I never did, really. It’s disappointing. Especially as I Ived it. That was what made it so much more intense. But as time went on, maybe a few months, maybe weeks, of using it, it no longer really felt pleasurable anymore. After taking it, I started to feel really good for a little while, but then I would just become really tired and drowsy really quickly. And I would have to take even more to even get the same level of euphoria. In the end, I didn’t want to go on using it, but I needed to, because I was afraid of what might happen if I didn’t.

I used to get withdrawals. When I hadn’t used it for a day or two, sometimes even less than that, I would start to feel really horrible. Like, I would feel sick, my tummy would hurt, I got these muscle cramps, in my legs and arms and my back, and I had panic attacks. I got hot and cold flashes like the flu too. I couldn’t get to sleep if I hadn’t used it for a while, either. I would literally have done anything to get high.

I also feel really bad about lying and stealing because of it... I lied to my family. I lied about the money. I told them I was saving it all up when really I wasted it all on a false dream I was forever chasing...

Anyway, it was really scary getting the courage to tell my family about this. But I’m pretty sure my mum already noticed something was up, even though both my parents knew about my depression. Because she sat down with me and she asked me if anything’s wrong, I said no, she said tell the truth. And then she brought up the money thing, and mentioned how I was nodding off, and acting not myself anymore, and so I just came out and told her. Even though it was still good to talk to her. And I thought my parents would hate me but they didn't get angry or shout at me. And now I just feel really selfish, and like a bad person because I lied so much and stole things...
So, I was sent to this 5 day rehab centre where I was given Naltrexone to help (mainly with the withdrawals, because I got them pretty bad) and even though that was hell, and I was scared, I am now back.

I can't say that I am no longer a heroin addict. I still get cravings for heroin all the time, and I think I always will, but at least now I don’t have to live with withdrawals. And every time I think about going back, and relapsing, I just tell myself that it will never be like that second time I tried it. And I have to remind myself that everybody’s support and all the work I have put into coming off it, will have been thrown back in their faces. That makes me feel selfish, so I can say, I think I am off heroin for good. It’s honestly not worth it. Heroin is not a substitute for loneliness, because in the end, the problems you face, are still there and don’t go away magically just because you take the drug. So I’d say, just try to make your life better in any way you can, and don’t give up and turn to drugs. It might be the easy way, but it’s not the right way!

Honestly, using heroin wasn’t the best choice I ever made. Sure, it did make me feel good, and it did help with my loneliness and depression in the short term, but every time I came off I would feel horrible, and it started to be the only thing that made me feel happiness. But, it certainly caused me more trouble than good... But in a way I have risen up stronger. See, I just made a mistake. I found a way out of my unhappiness the easy way, the dangerous way, by using drugs. But I accept that it was a mistake, and I have now learned from that mistake, in order to be happy and I know there’s still a future for me. That's what I would say to anyone else.
And my family have been really supportive of me, so I really don't want to give up... I'm trying to stay strong. And I'm really sorry that I've done this... Because I affected people around me, my family as well as myself. As I said I have so many regrets and I feel so selfish.
Also, my mum wanted me to thank all you guys on here for helping to support me, so thanks on my behalf. I'll hopefully be a regular on here to learn more about how to cope with this, and at least now I know I don't have to go through it alone. Even though I get the heroin cravings every day, I am in a constant battle with myself every day. But it's for a reason. It's because I don't want to go down that road again. I want to live.! :)

Wow, this was a long post, I hope you whoever read it all, I appreciate you taking your time, to read all of this!! I'm trying not to give up on hope, even though it's hard!​
 
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You're doing excellent, honey. We are all here for you. I know you can do it! I am proud of you for getting this far, so keep this up and you will feel a lot better. And you don't have to say you're a bad person. We love you, and we all make mistakes. It's part of being human. So please don't give up so soon. We're all rooting for you xxx
 
Welcome to BL Bright_Star*!

That is pretty cool you two are sharing this together. That said, always remember that there is an anonymous forum section of the site you can post on (any thread you create there will get directed where it needs to end up, and you'll always remain truly anonymous when using it). I mention it because I know that sometimes I share stuff on here that I wouldn't necessarily want family to hear about. You're already out with your mum about your substance use, but the option is always there regardless.

NOW, on to pour myself a glass of this nice tepid jasmine oolong tea and read your post! :)

edit: You know what, the first thing I noticed about your post - especially considering it is your first post on BL and your young age - is that you are quite a good writer! Indeed, your story is also something I identify with in its entirety. May you not have to endure another decade of guilt and shame, nor the horrible things you hear about happening to people who lose what they love to opioids. Keep up the great work, and I look forward to reading more of your writing! (no pressure though)
 
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Your experience describes a similar story to a lot of people so don't feel like you are alone in that. You described the process of addiction very well and it is a horrible thing. At least you are smart enough to admit that you needed help and that it had controlled your life.

I know they have it over there, maybe not in the same amount of numbers of locations, but there is a group called Narcotics Anonymous that runs meetings about drug addictions regularly. If you have ever heard of Alcoholics Anonymous, it is just like that but tends to have more drug users than straight drinkers. Some people with heroin addictions prefer AA actually since they are both really just a way for people who also became addicted to drugs or alcohol to get together in a sober setting and discuss different things.

Every meeting is different, some can focus more on a certain section of the groups basic text, some may have a speaker share their story and usually it is relatable to most everyone who listens to some degree, and some may be basically just an open forum for people to share how they are doing. All of them should at least offer the third type where attendees share and get stuff off their chest but it might be towards the end only in speaker or text meetings

its really just a place to talk to people who have gone through the same thing about how to live life sober again. You'd be surprised some of the things you will hear in a meeting, drug addicts can be very intelligent and spiritual people who have been through a lot. Even if you don't share, it can sometimes help to just hear about other people's problems they have going on and being grateful for your own situation.

Either way, I'm pretty sure I know what post your mom made and I think she genuinely cares about you and wants to see you be happy. Try not to beat yourself up too much about getting addicted because most people who care about you just want to see you do well. That is the best way to make up for past mistakes, just continue to do the right thing.

And doing the right thing sucks sometimes. It really does. Of course it would be nice to just shoot heroin all day. But you can't live any type of respectable life doing that

good luck with everything though, I hope this website helps you navigate the ups and downs of early sobriety
 
toothpastedog said:
Welcome to BL Bright_Star*!

That is pretty cool you two are sharing this together. That said, always remember that there is an anonymous forum section of the site you can post on (any thread you create there will get directed where it needs to end up, and you'll always remain truly anonymous when using it). I mention it because I know that sometimes I share stuff on here that I wouldn't necessarily want family to hear about. You're already out with your mum about your substance use, but the option is always there regardless.

NOW, on to pour myself a glass of this nice tepid jasmine oolong tea and read your post! :)

edit: You know what, the first thing I noticed about your post - especially considering it is your first post on BL and your young age - is that you are quite a good writer! Indeed, your story is also something I identify with in its entirety. May you not have to endure another decade of guilt and shame, nor the horrible things you hear about happening to people who lose what they love to opioids. Keep up the great work, and I look forward to reading more of your writing! (no pressure though)
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Hey thanks Toothpastedog ^^ I felt like I needed to get this all out in the open.. But I'm glad you told me about the forum, I'll check it out. Of course my mum and I discussed it all already, but it feels good to get my thoughts and feelings out like that. Before, I never felt like I could talk to anyone.
And yeah, thanks for noticing that, I write loads of stories, although I haven't written any for a while... Maybe I'll have to get back into writing? I always wanted to be a writer or an artist, or maybe even a singer or actor! But lately, of course I have been feeling uninspired and unmotivated about my future and what I really want to do...
I also really want to go to Japan, but I spent all of my money that I was saving up already... :eek: You guessed it... On heroin. So now I regret that decision because it's set me back in life and my dream... But my family's helping me through that, and said that maybe this summer, we can work out a trip for me to go to Japan. That gives me something to look forward to, at least! :D
 
Keep you're head up Bright, you'll go far :) which cities are you planning to visit on your trip?
 
toothpastedog said:
Keep you're head up Bright, you'll go far :) which cities are you planning to visit on your trip?
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I wanna go explore Tokyo, Kyoto, Osaka and Shinjuku the most, but I'd also want to visit the more rural areas as well. I really want to stop at Akihabara though, because that's where they have loads of cool shops. And Harajuku for the fashion.
 
Hi, Bright Star. I'm so glad to get to hear from you, having followed your mom's thread closely in the recent weeks. You're in the right place (that is, lots of folks here have experiences and background similar to yours in all sorts of ways).

FWIW, a buddy of mine just got back from a trip to Osaka and he loved it.

If travel is possible in the near future, that does sound like a great idea. But until you go, we're here to listen.
 
simco said:
Hi, Bright Star. I'm so glad to get to hear from you, having followed your mom's thread closely in the recent weeks. You're in the right place (that is, lots of folks here have experiences and background similar to yours in all sorts of ways).

FWIW, a buddy of mine just got back from a trip to Osaka and he loved it.

If travel is possible in the near future, that does sound like a great idea. But until you go, we're here to listen.
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Thanks for listening :) I think I am in the right place.
Really? ftw I definitely want to go there!
Although it's still hard for me, the hope that I might go to Japan is keeping me positive.
 
Crazy, I was just speaking with someone who said she wanted to visit Osaka. Must be a very popular place right now, either that or I just happen to be running into people with good taste :)
 
ooh, really? Cool :) In fact, I was supposed to be going this summer anyway, before my friend bailed on me and decided he didn't want to go :( but now I will not give up !
 
Having a dream is essential in recovery. Actually, the more dreams the better, just as long as they're at least a little realistic (traveling is a realistic dream IMO).

Have you seen the documentary about Mifune on Netflix? It is quite good. One of my favorite actors (which says a lot, not because I live in LA but because I can never remember the names of any actors ;)). I have lived with a number of exchange students from Japan and love Japanese history, and this movie in particular has a lot of good bits about the history of Japanese cinema in the documentary (I think it was called Mifune: The Last Samurai).

How are you doing handling cravings and whatnot Bright_Star*? Doing anything fun in life to keep you mind occupied with healthier objects of focus?

Sending you good vibes express post! :)
 
I've always had loads of dreams... It's just that I've always felt they were unattainable... Now at least, I know one of my biggest dreams will come true :)

As for the cravings, I am still getting intense cravings... It's taking all of my strength and willpower to not go back out to get more heroin. The only things stopping me from doing so are my family, and my will to live. Now I'm thinking clearer, I know that I really don't want to go down that route again, because in the end it just made everything worse. So I'm doing my best not to give in to my temptations!

However, some people are not being so supportive and are putting me down. Someone from college found out somehow about my heroin use and started bullying me again on Facebook. They called me names like "dirty junkie" and stuff like that and one comment that really hurt me was "I wish you overdosed and died."

I blocked them but I still have to deal with them if and when I go back to college. I actually cried and seriously considered giving up on everything again. Giving up on myself. But I can't bring myself to do that. People like that were one of the reasons for my depression in the first place, that and my loneliness. :(

Still, I'm trying to remain positive and know that there are people who do love me and care for me!
 
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That is one of the hardest parts about becoming an adult, is overcoming the bullshit of stupid people and the ignorant masses. This is all the more true when it comes to folks like us who have struggled with something that is as stigmatized as heroin use is.

Try and think of the bullies (and kudos to you for recognizing that this is exactly what such folks are behaving like!) as internet trolls. Either they are just doing it for attention and the LOLz, or (actually generally both of these things apply) they are acting out and belittling you essentially to feel better about themselves.

That kind of trollish/bullying behavior has infinitely more to do with issues the trolls/bullies have than it has to do with anything about you or your own struggles. Fuck the haters.

But, alas, learning to skillfully not give a fuck is an art that takes time and is learned only with experience and age. You're at a perfect crossroads to start learning how to cultivate the goodness inside yourself, whatever it may be, regardless of what the fuck anyone else thinks about it.

I mean, you shouldn't kid yourself. Most people look down on and treat heroin users, even former heroin users, like scum. They don't understand them and are very afraid of them. Most people treat heroin users like someone with an infectious disease like ebola, which is absolute bullshit (I mean, it actually makes a lot of sense given the history of addiction treatment and drug policy - I highly recommend you learn about these things; I'd be happy to pm you a short list of a few books if you're interested in learning more about the struggles you'll face).

So you need to be VERY careful about to whom and how you disclose your struggles with anything as stigmatized as heroin use.

That disgusts me, some of the shit you've heard. Anyone who calls you a dirty junkie or tells you that you should have died doesn't deserve your time of day. Try your best not to give them what they want - which is for you to feel bad. You are anything but a dirty junkie and the world would be far worse without you. The world would be far better off without folks who talked such garbage. Still, a lot of people believe a of fucked up shit out there, so you should probably get used to it.

Just make sure you don't open yourself up to attacks from people who don't understand, while making sure you keep the lines of communication open with people who do.

Have you ever heard of mindfulness based stress reduction? An MBSR practice helped me a lot in my early recovery. Particularly in terms of finding myself and gaining some self confidence, which is exactly what it sounds like you need most right now.
 
That's part of the reason AA or NA can be helpful in early recovery, everyone there is accepting and understanding of what you are going through because they've all been there themselves.

its one of the few places on earth where you can share to a group of people that you still think about shooting heroin and they won't look at you differently
 
This is very true. Of course, 12 step groups also attract a lot of legitimate predators, so one must be very careful (particularly as a young woman/person new to recovery culture and life in general).
 
Yeah, NA (or AA) is such a two-edged sword. Bright_Star, are you going to meetings? If so, a small amount of caution (i.e. Take some time getting to know people before you let them into your heart) is really all it takes to keep the baddies away.
 
Thank you for your kindness - I try my best to ignore it, even though it's hard to just not feel hurt. To be honest I'm past caring about negative people now. But I'm worried about seeing them again when I go back to college now. Even though they are technically adults, they still think it's funny to bully someone who has issues and they don't understand what I'm going through! :mad:
Thanks for the links, I'll look at them and about the support groups, me and my mum will check them out later.
It's been about 2 weeks I'm sober but I'm still on medication to help with cravings, but I'm still getting them often :/ Any advice?
 
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