The below is an anonymised email which I ended up sending to my friends who basically got me in this mess which may be of interest as it describes in details of my 'LTC' and the circumstances of how it happened. It's long but could be of interest.
"I have been debating on whether or not to send this for some time but there really needs to be a record of my condition and actual recognition by you of what has happened to me. Please give it the time it deserves.
As you know (some more than others) I have been suffering the most horrific existence since my stag party. I have been living in a world that I could not in a million years believe could be humanly possible and would not wish it on my worst enemy.
The world of drug induced brain alteration/damage is crippling, a void of endless torture and suffering.
It takes what is a world of beauty, love, hope, sex and a future and turns it into one of constant anguish, despair, pain, loss, loneliness, helplessness and purgatory.
As you know in the days following that weekend all hell broke loose. My eyesight went all blurry, my brain felt as if it was burning for days, I could not eat, sleep, my brain was twisting and turning on it's self, I had the most horrific suicidal thoughts / desires, my emotions where absolutely blown to pieces, sobbing uncontrollably, unable to sleep, I had terrible brain fog as though I was suffering from a concussion. I had the most crippling anxiety as well as out of body experiences which would frighten the hell out of anyone. It was like a different person was looking back at me when I looked in the mirror. Like I was a third person looking at myself. It literally felt as if I had suffered a brain trauma, which is indeed what had happened. I literally was unable to function and was pretty much bed ridden. My brain felt so sick and damaged. It was so severe that I was off work for a couple of months pretty much house / bed bound and even our wedding was almost cancelled as I was such a zombie and in such a state.
Maybe it should have been cancelled as Xxx is now married to a shadow of the person who she was engaged to. An emotionless zombie. You can't begin to believe what a horrific effect this has had on our relationship and her / our life, our hopes and dreams. So horrifically altered it is sickening. I guess we had hoped that I would have been able to recover however after 36 months it's evident that recovery is realistically not possible. Sure there has been some improvement and I am now 'stable' but that is still stably fucked. Also my symptoms have been relatively constant for about 27 months now.
I have spent over 3 years seeing numerous specialists, neurologists, neurosurgeons, psychiatrists and psychologists. I have tried the whole range of anti-depressant, anti-anxiety and anti-psychotic medications. The general verdict from these specialists is that I suffered a neurotoxic trauma / injury resulting in the plethora of symptoms which I list below. The most horrific of which is that I now suffer from a chronic depersonalisation disorder and the negative symptoms of schitzophrenia (primarily anhedonia), all thanks to that toxic alteration/damage to my brain. In addition I have the cognitive deterioration ( feels like dementia/concussion) as well as the eyesight problems (struggle to focus and debilitated night vision).
The worst symptom is I can not feel enjoyment (anhedonia) (or at least it is reduced by about 90 per cent I would say) Furthermore the depersonalisation gives you the sensation of not being alive and that you are constantly locked in bullet proof glass. Ie you can see the world but you just can't experience it. It's like you are trapped in your mind and can't experience the outside world. Like one is an observer just watching the world happen around you but being unable to connect to it. It's literally like being a robot. You look and sound the same but have no soul, personality or emotions. You can act 'normal' but it is just that, an act.
Chronic Depersonalisation is described by other suffers as a 'living death'. Like who knew you could actually be alive (ie breathing and walking around) but at the same time feel totally dead? I swear to God my existence feels like it should be something out of some SiFi horror movie. I literally struggle to verbalise it it just so unbelievable and traumatic.
In order to try cope with the daily 24/7 trauma which these symptoms cause I have done and tried absolutely everything. An 8 weeks mindfulness course, weekend transcendial meditation courses, exercise, over 50 sessions of CBT with a psychologist, 25 plus sessions with various psychiatrists from drugs clinics, psychiatric hospitals to the Priory. We have tried and tinkered with an enormous amount of different medications. I even went on a 2 week fasting course to a clinic in Germany as I had read about the rejuvinative / curing benefits of fasting. The reality is that non of this has helped.
It's really so hard to describe the constant state I am in but the only analogy which I can think of is if you are on some weird high, your mind is weirdly distorted, your vision is blurry and you are just trying to control the bad trip. You just pray that it will pass and for 99.99999 per cent of people it will when you wake up in the morning. However for me it never ever goes away. Now try live 'normally' with it going on 24/7. On top of this I have also lost my emotions so am emotionally numb. Nothing provides pleasure, I can't look forward to anything and it literally feels like I have died. I feel like an 80 old dementia patient sitting in an old age home waiting to die as I have nothing to look forward to. I get very little positive emotional feelings regardless of what is going on around me or the activities I partake in. That's why I have been so anti social. I really wish I wasn't. Also I feel so spaced out and blank, like I have nothing to say or contribute.
Like all brain injuries there is not much you can do other than give it time to try heal whilst at the same time medicate the symptoms. Unfortunately where a brain cell dies that's it. The brain does not rejuvinate itself although there is something called neuroplasicicity whereby other areas of the brain can take over certain functions in some instances where an area has died. Destruction / damage to the serotonin network is however not so forgiving. It is a highly sensitive and turns out fragile part of ones brain. I have literally spent thousands of hours researching medical papers on MDMA / MDMA toxicity and as many hours on drug forums reading people's stories and symptoms of ecstacy damage or "longterm comedowns" (which is jargon for a plethora of negative symptoms which users experience after a bad ecstacy trip).
So where / how did it go so wrong?
On the Friday of my stag when xxx said he wanted to buy coke and pills I specifically said I did not want you to do so as didn't want my family friend (Xxx) to get the wrong idea. Furthermore I have never done hard drugs and certainly wasn't planning on doing so as have ever had any interest or desire to do so. Clearly my request was ignored. If you were going to take drugs then fine there was not much I could do about it but this was not in any way my desire for that weekend.
Now come Xxxx who literally forces a pill down my throat and tries to wash it down with champagne. Why would you do that when you had no idea of my view on drugs or my health? Like who forces drugs down someone's throat? What's wrong with you?! Although I did not make an issue of it at the time, I actually did not swallow the pill and just subtly threw it on the floor. I guess I didn't want to make a scene but in hind sight should have made it clear that I didn't want it or that I didn't consume it. You probably thought it was okay and did the same to me on the Saturday night.
Now come Saturday. Once again a day of drinking in the sun. Unbeknown to me someone once again bought pills. Xxxx we were just sitting talking on the couches when you started persuading me to take one. As mentioned to you at the time I gave a number of arguments why I didn't want to and each time you dismissed my valid arguments and kept on pushing. You should have supported my reasons not to and not kept on encouraging me. Like why was it so important that you wanted me to have one? It's one thing me being keen and asking for it but like you literally had to debate me into taking it.
Sure I blame myself for eventually giving in but why encourage a drunk friend to do something he clearly wasn't keen to do? I think I said fuck it and then took one. The first in my entire life. This must have been at about 6-7pm and ended up being the last memory which I have of the entire evening until 4am when I 'come round' with XXXX leading me home. This period of time has been vaporised from my memory and honestly felt like it could have been seconds not 8-9 hours.
Like how the fuck is that even possible to have memory loss for such a long period of time?Sometimes I really wonder if I was not spiked. Like rohepnol or something on top of the pill. Also I really can't comprehend how I was given more drugs in this state? Surely it was evident that I was totally fucked / in some weird trance state and should have been looked after and not given more drugs!!? I would have swallowed anything which someone put in my mouth in that state. Xxxx you said you gave me another one. I was literally shocked when I discovered this. Didn't I look totally fucked and out of it? Had my lip not swollen up at that stage which surely should have been some sort of indication something was wrong? Like seriously how the hell was I given more in that state? Anyone else give me more over that 9 hour period - probably? Xxxx as you were trying to force them down my throat the day before you probably did the same again. You seemed to have some weird agenda and I have an uncomfortable gut instinct about that night.
So what happened? I have subsequently learnt that unlike various other drugs, MDMA or ecstacy is neurotoxic leading to brain alteration/damage in the wrong circumstances.
Regardless of how you have taken it in the past the following are the basic 'rules' to ensure you don't suffer adverse consequences . First of all one is supposed to test the product to ensure it is in fact MDMA otherwise one could be consuming any adulterated toxic substance. But let's assume it was MDMA. Anybody trying it for the first time should only consume between 70-100mg. The more frequently one takes it the more of a resistance one builds up which probably explains why you guys were unaffected. We had pressed pills and these today can contain between 150-200mg, but strong pills can be upwards of 250mg. Thus me taking a whole pill was at least a double dose to start off with. Secondly mixing it with alcohol (especially a lot of alcohol) can be super dangerous. Without going into the science of it, it massively magnifies the dose and also adds to dehydration / overheating issues. One needs to stay hydrated with water (not booze) to prevent neurotoxicity and keep body temperature down. As far as I can surmise we were not drinking water at all or very little if any. Don't re-dose. One should also not take multiple pills as it puts extra strain on the brain and results in overheating. The idea is that MDMA releases serotonin so by taking multiple pills its like trying to wring out a towel which is already dry. Thus raising the temperature in the brain and damaging 'empty' serotonin neurotransmitters. Every additional pill magnifies the above problem. So just by taking 2 pills I am already at least 4 times over what a fist timer should take and that's where one is not drinking alcohol and one is staying hydrated.
There is however no doubt that I probably consumed more than 2 pills thus resulting in a neurotoxic dose. So 500-700mg for a first time is enough to blow your brain to fucking pieces!! What the fuck were you thinking recommending / giving me such large doses??
When I came round the next morning I immediately knew something was very very wrong. The only recollection which I have from the previous evening was the sensation that millions of fuses had blown in my head. It literally felt like my brain had been fried or I had suffered a chemical frontal lobotomy. I then went to the bathroom to drink some water and saw my very weirdly distorted lip. Clearly my body had reacted in a very bad way and something had gone horribly wrong. When during the night did my lip swell up like that!!? If that is what happened to my lip can you imagine what happened to the delicate area of my brain!!
As a result I now suffer form these symptoms 24/7:
Eyes: my eyesight is just blurry. I have had them checked by optometrists and opthomologists and my eyes are fine. The damage is to the visual cortex which is in the brain. There has been no improvement to my eyesight although I am getting more used to it. My eyes also 'jump around' when I'm reading so trying to keep them on a straight line is very difficult. They jump to the line above and the line below so reading is so hard. I am also constantly trying to focus them. My peripheral vision has also been dramatically altered, like I am wearing blinkers. Furthermore my night vision has also been destroyed. It's like my eyesight used to be HD and now everything is low definition. It's lost a lot of 'pixels'. My eyes are also very sensitive to bright light and all lights now have halos around them and lines shooting out of them. Squinting your eyes probably also gives you that sensation. Even walking on a pavement is stressful as the lines of the interlocking bricks are wavy and make me feel dizzy. Going into supermarkets is super stressful because all of the bright lights. Also my brain just can't take in all the information. Like all the products and colours are just a sensory overload. My brain can't handle it. It causes great distress. My eyes are also constantly straining due to the problems focusing so are tired and uncomfortable.
Brain function: my short term memory has deteriorated massively. I regularly can't remember what I have just read or where I have put something. My comprehension is also fucking terrible. I suffer massive brain fog as if I am trying to think through a dense cloud or a concussion. Everything is just slow and I can't process things nearly as quickly as I used to. It's like my brain is super slow or I'm suffering from some form or early dementia. I feel somewhat mentally challenged. Slow, confused, clueless, disconnected and distressed. I generally feel like a deer in the headlights whilst trying to participate in any conversations. Totally spaced out.
Ears: I have constant ringing / high pitched buzzing tone in my ears/ head 24/7.
Anhedonia: I have lost the ability to feel pleasure. At the very best I can probably experience things at 5 - 10 per cent of how I used to feel things. The ability to feel pleasure is at the heart of everything we do. Take that ability away and one has no drive, desire or reason to get out of bed. This is one of the key negative symptoms of schizophrenia and why up to 60 percent of schizophrenics who suffer this symptom try or commit suicide. Ones quality of life is absolutely destroyed. Experiencing pleasure is at the heart of being human, take this away and you are just drifting continuously in a meaningless and pointless existence. You are however tormented as you know just the small things used to mean so much to you but now are rendered meaningless . Life is like being locked in a small empty room and been fed bread and water, 3 meals a day, day after day after day. I've have probably 1000 days of this now and it feels like it's here for good. This isn't something 'happy thoughts' gets rid of. It a real physical destruction of that part of the brain that generates the pleasure emotions. I swear to god you just want to fucking shoot yourself living in this constant state.
Brain 'density': As weird as this sounds it really feels at though the pre forontal cortex of my brain is less 'there' just lighter and more 'spacy'. You would really have to feel the sensation to understand what I am talking about. It feels as real is if you had had a leg amputated.
Personality: I have literally lost my personality. Allot of those atributes that made me me have gone. I have lost motivation, passion, goals and the sense of self. It's as if I am literally dead. I feel as though I am just occupying my body but there is no living entity. Sure I can breath and move but there is no one behind my eyes. I know it is a concept which is hard to fathom but I literally do not feel alive. After lots of research and various discussions with psychiatrists, this is not unheard of and is called a chronic depersonalisation syndrome. And guess what, ecstacy can trigger this dissociation. It is believed that a disruption to the seretonin network can trigger this condition where one literally separates from ones body leaving one feeling "dead" and disconnected from ones body. One is literally numb and disconnected from ones surroundings. All those millions of neurotransmitters which were destroyed or damaged contain those higher attributes of what it feels like to be human. Emotion, love, libido, motivation. Now take that away. Are you really human without this?
Unfamiliar world: The world no longer makes sense. The very fundamental things that one takes for granted, like every morning the sun will rise has changed for me. Everything seems unfamiliar and strange. Like I am an actor and life is a movie set. Nothing seems real or makes sense. It's like the film the matrix where one becomes aware of a different reality. This is fucking scary as nothing makes sense. It's like I'm existing in a parallel universe. Like I'm continuously in some fucked up weed high 24/7. This perception being part of a depersonalisation and derealisation disorder.
Fatigue: I am mentally and physically always exhausted. It's like my mind is doing back to back ironmans day after day after day. Trying to hold it all together is mentally shattering. It's also like my brain is like a cars' engine which is continuously being over revved. It's churning and twisting continuously. It never stops. It doesn't matter what I am doing it is constantly in overdrive. I need a break from it which never comes. Sleep provides some reprieve.
Sleep: I have not had a good nights sleep in over 3 years. My sleep is disturbed and I wake up numerous times during the night to very weird distorted fucked up dreams. Also I get terrible night sweats where I literally soak my bed. I need to get up and dry my self off with a towel. (Night sweats being a side effect of one of my medications. New medications have improved this but I still have them regularly. I wake up every morning exhausted back into this hellish existence. Mind racing / twisting in this emotionless distorted confused world.
Libido: As those areas of the brain which control pleasure have been destroyed / damaged, just the basic sensation of feeling horny has virtually been eradicated. Have you any idea how distressing it is all of a sudden not to have this sensation? Even my dick hardly works and climax is fucking disappointing and virtually not worth it.
Numb: I just feel totally numb, robotic. Nothing I do feels natural. Everything feels forced. Every personal interaction, every conversation. I spend every conversation thinking 'act normal' 'act normal' 'have I been starring'? 'Maybe I should laugh now'? Every activity feels like a chore and requires immense mental effort. Just getting out of bed or taking a shower requires massive brain effort. Activities which previously you don't even think about.
Depression: This is an animal which sucks the life out of you. I had never suffered any sort of thing like this and now I understand why people kill themselves. It's torture, it's like you are living in a black dungeon and being tortured. Nothing provides reprieve. It doesn't matter how much you are loved, friends you have, job, children, money. It all means absolutely nothing. You are just desperate. I have tried a number of antidepressants and my conditions seem medicine resilient. I have spoken to an expert in neurotoxicology in the States and he says that psychiatric medication generally does not work for psychiatric problems (ie depression, anxiety, anhedonia) triggered though neurotoxic brain damage. This explaining why all the medication I have tried does not appear to work.
Constant uneasiness: I just feel unsettled all the time. Like a knot in my stomach. It does matter what I am doing I am constantly on edge. I can be watching TV, working, trying to sleep, lying on a beach, I constantly feel uneasy.
Non-functioning: getting things done is just so difficult and requires so much mental effort. Things one didn't even think twice about now require great energy. Showering, traveling, making plans, doings ones job, all an effort and requires great mental and physical effort.
Suicidal thoughts: I have periods when I have these constantly. These are involuntary thoughts which I have no control over. I can no longer control my mind or thought process and these can plague my daily existence. Pre stag party me would believe one just needed to 'think positively' or 'think happy thoughts' to stop such intrusive thoughts. But the 'new' me realises that old me was naive or at least had lived in a very happy world protected from brain damage / mental illness. I no longer can control my mood or thoughts. My brain now has its own disturbed agenda and one tries to live 'normally' with this armageddon going on in your brain at the same time. This state taints even the remotest moments of minimal happiness.
Time: The concept of time has even been altered. Time used to fly by. Now it seems to move in slow motion. Seconds seem like hours and days feel like weeks. The last 3 plus years feel like 20. I'm only 41 now. Imagine if I could live to say 80? Jesus that is not even fathomable in this state. Even living to 42 in this state would be a milestone and seems a lifetime away.
Social recluse: I could literally not leave my bedroom / home if I had it my way. I used to enjoy people and socialising. I now find it stressful. Plus I now have nothing to say and am not passionate about anything any more. I just go through the motions.
Spaced out- I constantly feel like a deer in the headlights. Trying to take in an overload of information. Basic day to day activities are massive undertakings. Now imagine trying to do a taxing job of being a xxxxx where one has to read enormous quantities of complex issues which one needs to resolve. It's virtually impossible. A life time of education and hard work destroyed.
Rumination: My mind is continuously agitated and is 'stuck' (for want of a better word) focused on my current state and in particular on the events of that tragic night. I am never in the moment, my mind always is focused on my disturbed reality. Mindfulness is meant to help this but I found it of limited benefit.
Fear factor / anxiety
So this is now long gone but in the first 4 months this was out of control. Like to wake up in a whole new existence is frightening as fuck. Like to be a different person looking back at yourself, for the world to be unfamiliar. Like stuff that you never thought about is now alien and weird to you. The every day fundamentals of humanity or daily life is now an alien and foreign experience. It's seriously like being on some weird distorted bad trip or a weird nonsensical dream. Except it's not a dream. You literally blunder around in this state / existence thinking when will I wake up? When will this dream end? When will I feel normal. This however never happens and eventually you realise that this is your new life, this weird fucked up non sensical world is your new reality. The only analogy I can think of is if one day you wake up and gravity no longer exists. You would be like 'what the fuck', clearly I must be dreaming, clearly I'm still asleep or under the influence off something which will wear off? But it doesn't and some how you have to construct a new life in an environment which feels so wrong.
Before this happened I could not have been happier. I had met the girl of my dreams and was excited about getting married, work was going really well, I had a good group of friends (yes you) and home life was exciting as we planned for our wedding and honeymoon. I was the fittest I had been in years and the world was truly my oyster. We did lots of international holidaying, money was not an issue and had a lovely home. I felt very comfortable in myself was excited for the next chapter of my life.
I used to be very career focused. Always taking jobs which would advance myself and my career. Challenging myself in tough and challenging environments. My education and job choices have always been very strategic and planned. This injury had killed any further career along the same lines. My brain is now slow and confused and I can no longer operate at the same intellectual level, nor do I have the drive. Furthermore my mind is constantly churning and twisting which makes it virtually impossible to control let alone try and do challenging work when my mind is a mess. Furthermore my fucked eyesight makes reading so difficult. The most debilitating issue is however the lack of motivation. Motivation is also controlled by a certain area of the brain. Who knew you could lose it? You would think no motivation is just laziness but I can tell you it is controlled by the right chemical balance in the brain. It doesn't matter how hard you try to motivate yourself you can't. It's as real as loosing your legs thus not being able to run.
The deterioration in my productivity and efficiency eventually cost me my job. The lost of income as a result off this as well as all the medical bills have already cost me over £200k over the last two years. That said I would give away my last cent to be normal again. So XXXX when I asked you what happen that night and you dismissed me and said 'get over it', fuck you you total cunt, you have absolutely no idea or the remotest comprehension of what you did to me and how it has destroyed me, ruined my life and the depth of my constant unrelenting sorrow. You would not survive a week in my world.
In summary I am still totally fucked. Sure there has been some improvement as I can now hold down a job again but make no mistake my life has been utterly ruined. I am no longer a human being and pretty much feel like I'm being tormented 24/7. The only reason I am alive is because I have a wife, a little boy and my mum for whom I am an only child but to be honest a lot of the time not even that provides sufficient relief or reason to live. I always wondered who are those people who jump off bridges or in front of trains. Like really how bad can it be? Well I have now seen the other side and it doesn't matter if you have a family you love and who loves you, friends, money, a home, it all means absolutely nothing when you are in such excruciating pain. It's only human nature to try escape. It's like being trapped at the top of a burning building. Do you stay to be burnt alive or do you eventually jump out the window?
This state / sensation never ever leaves me. It does not matter if I am working or lying on a beach on a tropical island. I am always in this state. Like how fucked is it that I have to look at pictures of my son multiple times a day to stop myself jumping in front of a train. Like what kind of existence is that?
One always imagines that if one makes a mistake one learns from it and doesn't do it again. Well it turns out that sometimes you don't get a second chance. I have the sensation of having being murdered. It's like if you are trapped underwater and you are just about to drown. It's that horror and realisation that yes this is happening to you, there is no escape and you can't do anything about it. There is nothing which provides relief and no medication which can fix this and yes this has happened to me.
So out of every tragedy let's learn some lessons.
1. Trust your instinct. I said no I did not want drugs but got talked into taking it. That has cost me my life. And yes it just takes 1 pill which has cascaded into the events of that night and my current state.
2. Don't talk your friends into taking drugs. Like really? Also don't physically force drugs down your friends throat. (Like I actually have to say that!) You have no idea how the person may react as everybody's neurochemistry is different.
3. Realise how amazing the world is and don't jeprodise it just for some short lived high.
They say drugs destroy lives. How true. My life had been destroyed. I have destroyed Xxx's hopes and dreams and my son could very well grow up fatherless or have an emotionally unconnected and depressed father. I can not have the family life I had always wanted for my wife and children. The effect my state has had on my mother has also been devastating.
If you guys have children one day you will realise how it unlocks a type of love that you didn't know is even fathomable. However even that love can't protect me from this purgatory and I have also been robbed from feeling the true sensations of what fatherhood should feel like.
If it wasn't for some of your collective actions this would not have happened to me but I obviously can't deny responsibility as I did swallow that fist pill, under ill advised persuasion. Like being talked into taking a bite of the apple in the garden of Eden. What a perfect analogy. Oh the irony. The only one I have ever taken and have avoided taking for like 37 years.
Anyway, I know that you did not hope or intend for this to happen to me but that doesn't really change things as here I am. I guess through your respective cavalier and reckless use of drugs over the years you lost sight of how dangerous they can be. To my detriment I was encouraged to do what you guys had recklessly done for years without any side effects but I ended up taking the bullet to the head.
So that's it. I just needed to express my situation fully. I'm not suffering from a temporary 'depression', or something I can 'get over' through 'positive thinking'. This is an unrelenting animal bigger than me or any human for that matter can handle. Furthermore its constant and unrelenting. There is no 'normal' moment ever. I feel caught in a confused, emotionless vacuum, literally life of the living dead.
In particular thanks Xxx for being very supportive over these last 3 years. You said all the right things unfortunately the world now works under different rules. Rules that don't make sense to the world that you guys still live in. Like who new that a parallel universe existed? If you did I promise you you would not continuously play Russian roulette with the devil.
Finally I am not trying to guilt trip you all. Clearly this was a tragic accident. I know you did not mean or intend this to happen but that does not absolve you of responsibility for your actions. I guess you didn't think it was a possibility and was just doing what you had done hundreds of time before. For me it was a different story. It opened Pandora's box, the gateway to hell.
I saw this poem and thought it was pretty spot on. It's more about addiction but for me the end result is the same. Drugs really can take your soul.
"I destroy homes, tear families apart - take your children, and that's just the start.
My power is awesome - try me you'll see.
But if you do, you may never break free.
Just try me once and I might let you go, but try me twice, and I'll own your soul.
When I possess you, you'll steal and you'll lie.
You'll do what you have to just to get high.
The crimes you'll commit, for my narcotic charms, will be worth the pleasure you'll feel in your arms.
You'll lie to your mother; you'll steal from your dad.
When you see their tears, you should feel sad.
But you'll forget your morals and how you were raised.
I'll be your conscience, I'll teach you my ways.
I take kids from parents, and parents from kids, I turn people from God, and separate from friends.
I'll take everything from you, your looks and your pride, I'll be with you always, right by your side.
You'll give up everything - your family, your home, your friends, your money, then you'll be alone.
I'll take and I'll take, till you have nothing more to give.
When I'm finished with you you'll be lucky to live.
If you try me be warned this is no game.
If given the chance, I'll drive you insane.
I'll ravish your body, I'll control your mind.
I'll own you completely; your soul will be mine.
The nightmares I'll give you while lying in bed.
The voices you'll hear from inside your head.
The sweats, the shakes, the visions you'll see.
I want you to know, these are all gifts from me.
But then it's too late, and you'll know in your heart, that you are mine, and we shall not part.
You'll regret that you tried me, they always do.
But you came to me, not I to you.
You knew this would happen.
Many times you were told, but you challenged my power, and chose to be bold.
You could have said no, and just walked away.
If you could live that day over, now what would you say?
I'll be your master; you will be my slave.
I'll even go with you, when you go to your grave.
Now that you have met me, what will you do?
Will you try me or not?
Its all up to you.
I can bring you more misery than words can tell.
Come take my hand, let me lead you to hell."
How fucking true. You think they are just words but this is my reality. My mind infected and my soul has been stolen.
And just to finish this off. Even despite what you have read you probably think like how bad is this really, like I can handle everything that comes my way, like I'm much stronger that him and can hand handle shit better. Well I tell you now, I would have thought the same. But you don't know what it's like to lose your soul, to lose your identity, to lose your sense of self, your confidence, your persona. Prior to I this I was self confident, full of self believe and invincibility. Well for want for a better word my mind has been Gang raped, abused and plundered, physically broken. I no longer have a sense of self. I live an emotionless existence without substance. Stuck in a half dead existence. It's like I should really have died but some how got stuck in this lifeless existence.
I hope you made it to the end."
