I am sorry to hear that msox. Something that was extremely poignant to me about getting sober, as I was the sort of user that wanted to suppress my feelings. "The good thing about getting sober is you start feeling everything again, the bad thing about getting sober is you start feeling everything again."
First off, don't worry what your family thinks. You are doing this for you and your own well being. Quite a bit of the time your family gets so wrapped up in your addiction that if you start making changes, and they don't make them along with you they will have a hard time accepting what you are doing.
Try magnessium for your restless legs. If you can lay hands on a long acting benzo like valium or klonopin, give them to your boyfriend to dose them out to you. This will really help with the sleep and the general feeling of malaise.
A big part of getting sober for me was working on the problems that caused me to want to use in the first place. I see a therapist. Maybe see a therapist to start getting some of that emotional baggage put out to the curb. "flush the emotional toilet" as they say.
Day 12 is nothing to sniff at, you are doing well. It is a hard road and it truly takes a lifetime but your emotions should start getting better within the first thirty days, just give it time. I know it sounds stupid, but write down a list of things that you are happy/thankful for....just doing that will generally make you feel better.
keep posting here. There are so many of us that have been in the same spot...and everyones recovery looks different.
I cant tell you how good it made me feel to read this this morning... I tossed and turned until 430. Then finally fell asleep (after another .1mg of clonidine) until 615. 4th night in a row with less than 4 hours of sleep. I go to the doctor this morning to get labs drawn. I dont know/think I'll be able to talk to my doctor, but Im hoping maybe I can talk to her about my restlessness and she'll be wiling to prescribe me a really low dose benzo that I can, as you suggested, give to my boyfriend to distribute to me.
I got clean before.. once in 2013. I was sober for 20 months.. I went to treatment and "graduated" in 19 days.. moved into a sober living house... met a guy.. got a GREAT job.. got pregnant with twins, had my twins... their dad started being incredibly abusive.. he beat me every single night.. tried to kill me twice.. was sexually abusive. I took my twins finally and left him. Unfortunatly someone called DCFS and they looked into "neglect" as I was with my twins while their father was abusing me. After all that abuse and everything I just had a mental breakdown and relapsed.
My aunt and uncle, who live less than 2 hours away in St. Louis, and are very young (im 29, my uncle is from Poland and is a pediatric nurse and is 31. My aunt is 39), have never been able to have kids, and offered to step in and take the boys for me while I get my shit together.
Well, now they have full custody of the boys because I just relapsed like crazy. I did get sober and have never been around my twins high...and havent drank still since august of 2013 (Because I know I'll die)..
Long story short, their birthday party was yesterday and my mother made this BEAUTIFUL full color book with 100-150 pictures depicting their lives from November of last year through this month when they turned 1.
I wasn't in a SINGLE FUCKING PICTURE.
The day of their BIRTH there are pictures of my whole family including my aunt and uncle sitting around waiting for them to arrive while I was, mind you, in the operating room having a c-section where I lost so much blood that I almost DIED... I had the boys in my custody and took care of them and got up with them and took them to meetings every day and protected them and provided for them and worked 50+ hours a week and paid for daycare and slept 3-4 hours a night between feedings as I took care of them on my own considering their father was NO HELP EVER.
And there is not a single fucking picture of me in the entire book. My mom has done some low shit (my DCFS case worker who was incredibly kind and understanding and helpful looked at me at one point and said "you know you need to stop seeking validation from your parents. youre never going to get it.") but this is hands down the lowest.
I called my aunt immediately bawling my eyes out... she told me she noticed I wasnt in the book either and that it was a total slap in the face... Tried to talk me down explaining how my mother doesnt understand our relationship... doesnt understand that im still their mother, still see them constantly, still am involved in parenting.. she doesnt get our relationship (mine, my aunt, uncle and my twins)... which helped in talking me down but still didnt keep me from crying my eyes out all night.
I dont know if I should say anything to my mom or not.. but I want to use more than I ever have in my life.
So sorry for the super long post.. i dont have anyone else to talk to..
