Hi.
I've been trying to kick my opiate habit for a long time. A year ago I think was my first real attempt and went through nearly a week of withdrawal before snagging another prescription.
Since then, well, you all know how it goes. I keep saying I want to get better. I want it to end. I want to stop lying to my wife, my friends, my family about every damn thing in attempt to conceal my addiction or get drugs when my script is out. I have a reasonable life that I've maintained two years into this habit. I know I'm going to lose it, or some of it, probably soon if I keep this up.
So here we are today. For the n'th time I've made it through acute withdrawal. But life sucks. I get no joy in anything. Nothing brings me pleasure. I hate literally every day of being alive this way. I can't think about anything but crushing up those beads in the capsule and hitting a line, cutting that Duragesic patch and putting it in my mouth, all my usual using locations. Does this EVER go away? If I have to live like this then F it, I'd rather use and die happy than do this forever.
Gah. I'm saying terrible things. I just don't know how to make this work. Can anyone who's made it... Anyone who's clean and HAPPY... how and when did you start experiencing joy and happiness in life again?
Thanks for the support. I just need an outlet because I don't have one in my life. And I can't do this alone anymore. I need help.
Hydromorphone 500+ mg/day. Fentanyl 5-10 100mcg patches/day. And it's literally all I can think about lying here, wondering what can make me happy again, beside my wife who is pregnant with our first child.
Peace and love.
D.
Update: 12 days now. Each day goes incredibly slow so it feels like it's been longer. Had to flush a whole pile of pills down the toilet today to kill the thought of using my cravings were so bad. Still wish I could be happy or find joy in anything. Or simply be able to laugh or smile without it being forced. Hurting bad. These mental issues are almost worse than the physical acute withdrawal symptoms.
I've been trying to kick my opiate habit for a long time. A year ago I think was my first real attempt and went through nearly a week of withdrawal before snagging another prescription.
Since then, well, you all know how it goes. I keep saying I want to get better. I want it to end. I want to stop lying to my wife, my friends, my family about every damn thing in attempt to conceal my addiction or get drugs when my script is out. I have a reasonable life that I've maintained two years into this habit. I know I'm going to lose it, or some of it, probably soon if I keep this up.
So here we are today. For the n'th time I've made it through acute withdrawal. But life sucks. I get no joy in anything. Nothing brings me pleasure. I hate literally every day of being alive this way. I can't think about anything but crushing up those beads in the capsule and hitting a line, cutting that Duragesic patch and putting it in my mouth, all my usual using locations. Does this EVER go away? If I have to live like this then F it, I'd rather use and die happy than do this forever.
Gah. I'm saying terrible things. I just don't know how to make this work. Can anyone who's made it... Anyone who's clean and HAPPY... how and when did you start experiencing joy and happiness in life again?
Thanks for the support. I just need an outlet because I don't have one in my life. And I can't do this alone anymore. I need help.
Hydromorphone 500+ mg/day. Fentanyl 5-10 100mcg patches/day. And it's literally all I can think about lying here, wondering what can make me happy again, beside my wife who is pregnant with our first child.
Peace and love.
D.
Update: 12 days now. Each day goes incredibly slow so it feels like it's been longer. Had to flush a whole pile of pills down the toilet today to kill the thought of using my cravings were so bad. Still wish I could be happy or find joy in anything. Or simply be able to laugh or smile without it being forced. Hurting bad. These mental issues are almost worse than the physical acute withdrawal symptoms.
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