well ladies and gents, I have finally done it and made the transition to Suboxone from heroin!! My official quit date was yesterday, but since my last dose was REALLY early in the morning, I'm counting it as two full days clean. AND I made it through today (first day on Subs) on only 4mg!! Not gonna go above that. I *know* I don't need it. My body decided to ring in the New Year by teaching me a very hard lesson about endurance and how much pain I can actually handle haha so check this shit out... I came down with what is literally the worst flu I have ever had with a lovely chest cold on top of it, started kicking two days into it, and Mother Nature decided to pay her monthly visit the same day I started kicking. And that flu was fucking GNARLY. I mean I was bedridden, straight up out of commission, for two days straight. You know how people like to say "being dopesick is like having a really bad flu"...? Yeaaaa no. Fuck that shit. Having a really bad flu makes being dopesick seem like a hilarious joke. When you're dopesick, you might be stuck in bed all miserable and feeling sorry for yourself, but the second your gear becomes available it's like someone lit a fire under you. That is soooo NOT the case with the flu!! I couldn't have grabbed over the last five days of all this sickness even if I wanted to.
At first I was pissed because I was like... "really? Did I REALLY just come down with the flu, start kicking, and start my period ALL AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME?! This cannot be happening, this is some sort of cruel cosmic joke... what a way to start the New Year!! wtf!!" Ohhh but it DID happen, my friends... and it IS happening. And let me tell you... if you think being dopesick is miserable?? Try adding a horrible flu, a chest cold, and PMS on top of it. I would have come on here sooner but today was the first day I could actually make it out of bed. It's been, hands down, the most painful, horrible, excruciating, uncomfortable experience of my entire life... I wished for death more than once... but I'm alive. I made it through the worst of the experience. And now I kinda feel like... maybe this was actually the PERFECT way to start the New Year. I mean, a big reason why I finally made the jump was because I was physically too ill to even try to go out and cop. And I learned a thing or two about myself... like that I have some serious fucking strength and that compared to real, legitimate influenza, withdrawals are laughable. So it's actually the best way to start the year. Because 2015 is a year for change... so what better way to start it off than by soldiering through this particular change... right?!
I do find it incredibly ironic that this happened to me though. I spent my entire heroin using career doing everything in my power to ensure I NEVER got stuck withdrawing during my monthly visitor because I didn't want to deal with that on top of the detox symptoms (I get the worst cramps and bad anxiety). Also, I NEVER get sick (real sick I mean, like this flu/cold combo). Somehow it seems fitting that my heroin career should end with me having to experience all four at the same time. It's almost like I'm finally paying back every single time I got high or even just well. It feels terrible and I could be pissed about it still, but... nahh. I could look at it that way and be all angry and miserable OR I could look at it the other way and feel okay about it. And I'm already in physical agony, what's the sense in putting myself through mental agony as well?
I feel good about this. I feel strong and I feel motivated and I feel like I have a real chance at sobriety again. The detox symptoms might get worse before they get better, but I will be able to function at least... I will not be bedridden and throwing up every time I so much as move... the worst of my physical pain and discomfort is behind me. From here, it can only get better. As much as it sucks to deal with four fucked up things at once, I also look at it like this: as each one heals itself up and goes away, I'll notice an improvement. Once all my flu symptoms are gone, it will be easier. Then my cramps will stop and it will be even easier. Then my cold will go away entirely and it will be even easier. And then I'll just have residual withdrawals from a very short Suboxone taper to deal with, and after all that, those should be a piece of cake. And anyway, my mom made a deal with me. She told me that if I come to her and tell her I want to use BEFORE I actually do it, she'll take me to the zoo or camping to help distract me and get my mind off it. She said she would even take the day off work if she had to. So it's nice to know I have a good support system in place as well as all this newfound motivation and strength and willpower I've found.
I'm just really happy that I'm starting 2015 off by getting clean... it's just so perfect :D I wanna make this MY YEAR and this is the first step
I hope you all had an awesome New Year and that it was much better than mine and NOT spent stuck in bed while throwing up all over your bedsheets and your clothes!! ;p haha
edit: @wanting... I just noticed, your sobriety date is my birthday!! %)
