Please hear me out. I'm begging you, a stranger, to save me. If you have any knowledge of pain disorders or sleep disorders or anywhere I can go to fix this or take to fix this or anything at all, please help me.
It is very long and I'm sorry, it is very difficult to explain the convoluted thing that is killing me right now.
I don't expect anything from this. Everything has made me very cynical. I am a 22 year old girl for reference, I live with my family.
I used to think...I was entitled to have a functional brain and a functional body. I used to think I would have all the chances any other typical person would...to go to school, to work, to travel, to have a family...But that was all obliterated for me.
I have a chronic sleep disorder which would seem manageable if any sleep deprivation whatsoever did not wrack my body and my head with horrible, fucking vicious very physical pain. I think the key to getting anyone to understand this is to get them to understand how much pain I'm in, but I'm not sure how to do that, it is a very unique strange pain that I only feel when sleep deprived, it is a magnification and a combination of a lot of sensations.
My brain does not sleep on its own.
And now it hardly sleeps with any pharmaceutical meds whatsoever.
I have tried everything (obviously that is never true, but I have tried way too many things), truly. I swear...my "sleep hygiene" can be perfect,I will be completely relaxed, exhausted ready to sleep and I won't sleep. Once the pain sets in my anxiety takes over because I know I cannot handle it. It is truly the most indescribable, excruciating sick-nauseaus-electric-rotting-pain I have ever experienced, I know that sounds dramatic. I had issues keeping my sleep in check and I responded terribly to sleep deprivation for over ten years, but the last two years it has become an ongoing source of perpetual torment.
I had to leave school, the disorder destroyed any social aspects of my life(which were rare in the first place), because I became completely unreliable, bedridden and miserable due to my illness. It became so horrendous last year I went on pharmaceutical out of desperation (I would have killed myself if a change didn't happen soon...unfortunately I'm at that point again only worse, I keep spending hours drafting suicide notes and crying over them, I am aware of how melodramatic that sounds)...the school psychiatrist put me on klonopin which was the beginning of my fucked up dependency on that drug. I went off of it three weeks ago and I'm 70% certain this is why I'm at my lowest point again, klonopin has been impossible for me, but I would rather die than go back on it again.
I spend upwards of 3-14 hours just attempting to sleep every day, eventually I go to sleep with high doses of something (my doctor kept upping the elavil but it completely stopped working or never worked in the first place)
I know those 3-14 hours just seem like trivial numbers to you...but those are hours of absolute horrible fucking exhaustion where I don't even think to get out of bed because it feels like, 90% of the time I'm one second from falling asleep, from going under...it feels like it's right there...
but there is some invisible wall between me slipping under..I don't understand. I really don't. I watch my boyfriend (my only social contact who is very fucked up himself, but he has been very supportive) fall asleep instantly, anywhere any time...and it is all I can do not to seethe with envy (not at him..just at the ability, just at the unfairness...this has made me childish, I am just angry my own body would drive me to death over and over again when I'm fighting so hard to live.
It isn't even as simple as that, it has been far more inconsistent and this condition came on very gradually, and I did many things to exacerbate it when I was younger. I can see it all now, and it seems like to much damage to reverse. I wouldn't have the patience to reverse it anymore.
I feel ashamed talking about any of this because I believe my "disorders" are just magnified versions of things most people experience, the difference is...mine has become so festered it has overtaken everything. Society trivializes these issues...
But I also think...well, I haven't found a single person who has what I have (which is more discouraging than anything). The only people I've seen who have a similar reaction to sleep deprivation are people who already have underlying chronic pain issues like fibromyalgia. But none of my doctors or my psychiatrists or therapists believe I have fibromyalgia (I don't precisely fit all the symptoms), or CFS or any of those things. And all my blood tests always show up normally...which funnily enough to the nurses I talk to...is absolutely devastating to me...negative tests don't equate to good news for me. I would do anything to have something positive so I could have a tangible thing to treat or name or know.
Instead I have this nebulous fucking thing that is killing me. And I'm pissed. And it hurts and I'm sad, and I just want someone to understand that...I am suicidal in a way that is not suicidal to me. I have been truly suicidal in the past, and by that I mean..I've wanted to die. But I don't want to die now, I truly don't. I just want relief from this cycle of pain (I'm not saying there is never relief but the relief is too intermittent and too brief to sustain me). I'm scared. That's why I keep crying over suicide notes. I'm fucking terrified.
I am also angry I don't get to do anything I wanted to do and thought I could do..I won't get to love the way I thought I'd love or be who I thought I could be. I won't write what I wanted to write and read the things I wanted to read. I won't meet the people I've always wanted to meet. Even promises of the minuscule possibility of those things isn't enough to keep me alive anymore because it really is that all-consuming pain I cannot tolerate, I have flashbacks of it...it is traumatic enough to have flashbacks and I have it every fucking day again now...my heart clenches when I get in bed because I dread it so much, and I know that makes it worse...but even when that is solved and my anxiety is settled...it is still there. I might be in a state of unfathomably constant chronic stress and I just think it's normal because it's been there for so long. If that's the case.
Can someone help me get out of here? I seriously consider running away to a foreign temple where I know no one's name, where there's no stress whatsoever, just meditation, and I can learn to sleep again. But I don't know if I'm capable and I wouldn't know where to go. I also don't have any money, or else I would have left here a long time ago.
I'm trapped in every sense of the word, I'm trapped by my own body, I don't think most I meet know what that truly means.
It has gotten to the point where even my own boyfriend has admitted he doesn't know what is best for me...to let me die or to keep tormenting myself every day. I have worn away everyone in my life with this. I know that everyone in my immediate family would understand why I killed myself. They have seen firsthand the weeping, every day, the mourning, the pain, the sadness, the hospital visits...
There is not a day that goes by where I have to face the most exasperating, traumatic pain my body has inflicted on me.
This would be anxiety-inducing, depression-inducing, and suicide-inducing to most, if they felt like I did, I think. But maybe I'm just weaker with a lower pain tolerance than most, I don't know, I always question my sanity.
Nothing shows up on CT scans, I've been to the ER multiple times. The main theory from one therapist is that I might have a very severe sensory processing disorder.
I have a doctors appointment on Thursday, this specific doctor has not helped me so far. The worst thing about sleep disorders..while researching, while seeking treatment..is the constant bombardment of useless information, and the realization that NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK THEY'RE DOING, in most cases doctors may as well be throwing darts blindfolded, and there isn't even a dartboard there, turns out the dartboard is a pool table or something, or maybe one mind is a pool table and my brain is an innertube and every dart just sinks me further until I drown. I don't know, I can't write metaphors when I'm this fucking sick either, I'm pissed about that too haha.
I have a nearly finalized suicide note and a cocktail of pills ready if I can't get my hands on a gun. I'm not meaning to say this for shockvalue. I'm honestly not even completely sure that survival instinct will not win over in the very end, but I hope it does not. I am not saying this because I hate myself, I'm not saying it from a place of hatred...
I'm telling you I want to die...out of a kindness for myself
I do not want to end up back in the psychiatric hospital (the last time I was there on hold for three days for the same reasons I'm coming to you today...all of the external stimuli made it impossible to sleep even after high doses of haldol they made me take, I felt like my skin was turned inside out, nerves electrified, a blowtorch applied to each individual cell of myself, it was the worst pain I've ever been in my life. I am experiencing a more diminished version now and it is still unbearable), so I will be sure I will succeed.
I am an insecure person, yes. But I know I am a kind person, I know I am a good person, I know I am moderately intelligent or at least used to be, I know I wouldn't have been a completely useless person. I know I am a happy person hypothetically, I know I am funny, I know I am weird in a sensitive charming way.
I know that my life would be worth living if this pain didn't exist, if I could sleep.
I know my pain probably is not the worst pain people have experienced every day while surviving, I know my life isn't the worst life that was ever lived, I'm just trying to say I'm not capable of enduring this any longer and even if I was, I wouldn't want to.
Most or all of you cannot help me in the sense I'm asking. But if you want to talk to me, I would be very grateful for any words.
It is very long and I'm sorry, it is very difficult to explain the convoluted thing that is killing me right now.
I don't expect anything from this. Everything has made me very cynical. I am a 22 year old girl for reference, I live with my family.
I used to think...I was entitled to have a functional brain and a functional body. I used to think I would have all the chances any other typical person would...to go to school, to work, to travel, to have a family...But that was all obliterated for me.
I have a chronic sleep disorder which would seem manageable if any sleep deprivation whatsoever did not wrack my body and my head with horrible, fucking vicious very physical pain. I think the key to getting anyone to understand this is to get them to understand how much pain I'm in, but I'm not sure how to do that, it is a very unique strange pain that I only feel when sleep deprived, it is a magnification and a combination of a lot of sensations.
My brain does not sleep on its own.
And now it hardly sleeps with any pharmaceutical meds whatsoever.
I have tried everything (obviously that is never true, but I have tried way too many things), truly. I swear...my "sleep hygiene" can be perfect,I will be completely relaxed, exhausted ready to sleep and I won't sleep. Once the pain sets in my anxiety takes over because I know I cannot handle it. It is truly the most indescribable, excruciating sick-nauseaus-electric-rotting-pain I have ever experienced, I know that sounds dramatic. I had issues keeping my sleep in check and I responded terribly to sleep deprivation for over ten years, but the last two years it has become an ongoing source of perpetual torment.
I had to leave school, the disorder destroyed any social aspects of my life(which were rare in the first place), because I became completely unreliable, bedridden and miserable due to my illness. It became so horrendous last year I went on pharmaceutical out of desperation (I would have killed myself if a change didn't happen soon...unfortunately I'm at that point again only worse, I keep spending hours drafting suicide notes and crying over them, I am aware of how melodramatic that sounds)...the school psychiatrist put me on klonopin which was the beginning of my fucked up dependency on that drug. I went off of it three weeks ago and I'm 70% certain this is why I'm at my lowest point again, klonopin has been impossible for me, but I would rather die than go back on it again.
I spend upwards of 3-14 hours just attempting to sleep every day, eventually I go to sleep with high doses of something (my doctor kept upping the elavil but it completely stopped working or never worked in the first place)
I know those 3-14 hours just seem like trivial numbers to you...but those are hours of absolute horrible fucking exhaustion where I don't even think to get out of bed because it feels like, 90% of the time I'm one second from falling asleep, from going under...it feels like it's right there...
but there is some invisible wall between me slipping under..I don't understand. I really don't. I watch my boyfriend (my only social contact who is very fucked up himself, but he has been very supportive) fall asleep instantly, anywhere any time...and it is all I can do not to seethe with envy (not at him..just at the ability, just at the unfairness...this has made me childish, I am just angry my own body would drive me to death over and over again when I'm fighting so hard to live.
It isn't even as simple as that, it has been far more inconsistent and this condition came on very gradually, and I did many things to exacerbate it when I was younger. I can see it all now, and it seems like to much damage to reverse. I wouldn't have the patience to reverse it anymore.
I feel ashamed talking about any of this because I believe my "disorders" are just magnified versions of things most people experience, the difference is...mine has become so festered it has overtaken everything. Society trivializes these issues...
But I also think...well, I haven't found a single person who has what I have (which is more discouraging than anything). The only people I've seen who have a similar reaction to sleep deprivation are people who already have underlying chronic pain issues like fibromyalgia. But none of my doctors or my psychiatrists or therapists believe I have fibromyalgia (I don't precisely fit all the symptoms), or CFS or any of those things. And all my blood tests always show up normally...which funnily enough to the nurses I talk to...is absolutely devastating to me...negative tests don't equate to good news for me. I would do anything to have something positive so I could have a tangible thing to treat or name or know.
Instead I have this nebulous fucking thing that is killing me. And I'm pissed. And it hurts and I'm sad, and I just want someone to understand that...I am suicidal in a way that is not suicidal to me. I have been truly suicidal in the past, and by that I mean..I've wanted to die. But I don't want to die now, I truly don't. I just want relief from this cycle of pain (I'm not saying there is never relief but the relief is too intermittent and too brief to sustain me). I'm scared. That's why I keep crying over suicide notes. I'm fucking terrified.
I am also angry I don't get to do anything I wanted to do and thought I could do..I won't get to love the way I thought I'd love or be who I thought I could be. I won't write what I wanted to write and read the things I wanted to read. I won't meet the people I've always wanted to meet. Even promises of the minuscule possibility of those things isn't enough to keep me alive anymore because it really is that all-consuming pain I cannot tolerate, I have flashbacks of it...it is traumatic enough to have flashbacks and I have it every fucking day again now...my heart clenches when I get in bed because I dread it so much, and I know that makes it worse...but even when that is solved and my anxiety is settled...it is still there. I might be in a state of unfathomably constant chronic stress and I just think it's normal because it's been there for so long. If that's the case.
Can someone help me get out of here? I seriously consider running away to a foreign temple where I know no one's name, where there's no stress whatsoever, just meditation, and I can learn to sleep again. But I don't know if I'm capable and I wouldn't know where to go. I also don't have any money, or else I would have left here a long time ago.
I'm trapped in every sense of the word, I'm trapped by my own body, I don't think most I meet know what that truly means.
It has gotten to the point where even my own boyfriend has admitted he doesn't know what is best for me...to let me die or to keep tormenting myself every day. I have worn away everyone in my life with this. I know that everyone in my immediate family would understand why I killed myself. They have seen firsthand the weeping, every day, the mourning, the pain, the sadness, the hospital visits...
There is not a day that goes by where I have to face the most exasperating, traumatic pain my body has inflicted on me.
This would be anxiety-inducing, depression-inducing, and suicide-inducing to most, if they felt like I did, I think. But maybe I'm just weaker with a lower pain tolerance than most, I don't know, I always question my sanity.
Nothing shows up on CT scans, I've been to the ER multiple times. The main theory from one therapist is that I might have a very severe sensory processing disorder.
I have a doctors appointment on Thursday, this specific doctor has not helped me so far. The worst thing about sleep disorders..while researching, while seeking treatment..is the constant bombardment of useless information, and the realization that NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK THEY'RE DOING, in most cases doctors may as well be throwing darts blindfolded, and there isn't even a dartboard there, turns out the dartboard is a pool table or something, or maybe one mind is a pool table and my brain is an innertube and every dart just sinks me further until I drown. I don't know, I can't write metaphors when I'm this fucking sick either, I'm pissed about that too haha.
I have a nearly finalized suicide note and a cocktail of pills ready if I can't get my hands on a gun. I'm not meaning to say this for shockvalue. I'm honestly not even completely sure that survival instinct will not win over in the very end, but I hope it does not. I am not saying this because I hate myself, I'm not saying it from a place of hatred...
I'm telling you I want to die...out of a kindness for myself
I do not want to end up back in the psychiatric hospital (the last time I was there on hold for three days for the same reasons I'm coming to you today...all of the external stimuli made it impossible to sleep even after high doses of haldol they made me take, I felt like my skin was turned inside out, nerves electrified, a blowtorch applied to each individual cell of myself, it was the worst pain I've ever been in my life. I am experiencing a more diminished version now and it is still unbearable), so I will be sure I will succeed.
I am an insecure person, yes. But I know I am a kind person, I know I am a good person, I know I am moderately intelligent or at least used to be, I know I wouldn't have been a completely useless person. I know I am a happy person hypothetically, I know I am funny, I know I am weird in a sensitive charming way.
I know that my life would be worth living if this pain didn't exist, if I could sleep.
I know my pain probably is not the worst pain people have experienced every day while surviving, I know my life isn't the worst life that was ever lived, I'm just trying to say I'm not capable of enduring this any longer and even if I was, I wouldn't want to.
Most or all of you cannot help me in the sense I'm asking. But if you want to talk to me, I would be very grateful for any words.