MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support)

[thejibberman]

Having a bad day with physical symptoms. I decided to go for an intense run this afternoon, I was fine until I stopped running, my left ear felt like it popped and everything sounded strange in both ears, I had whooshing sensations in my right ear, scary. It passed after a few minutes and I was okay. Then this evening I had 2 small anxiety attacks. I don't know what to make of this all anymore. I've been mentally fine for about 2 weeks then suddenly I feel like I'm right back where I was. I'm really not convinced that all these symptoms are due to LTC even though I've been cleared by a cardiologist.

A lot of people who have recovered mentioned they had little 'relapses' of feeling back at stage 1 again. I think you're going to be fine. If you felt mentally fine for 2 weeks, you can feel it again, and probably longer next time too.

EDIT:

I'm not sure if this applies to anyone else, but this whole time experiencing drug-induced anxiety, it feels like I've had it before, unsure if it was drug-induced but I had meningitis (meningicoccal) as a kid, was given so many drugs and given the infamous lumbar puncture which put me into a lot of stress and panic, during this time I had extremely vivid dreams/nightmares, was extremely hyperactive and was really nervous around people. Like the feelings I have, seem just feel so... memorable. It's hard to explain. The good thing is if anxiety that I had as a kid, it certainly goes away in time. Just thought I'd share.

 

[bibibi]

Well thank you for sharing your story. I'm sure we're all glad you're feeling better. Keep us updated. Even posts of people improving helps a lot. Are you still having the shakes/heart racing and chest pressure and stuff? Stay strong!
bicycle

thanks bicycle! I dont have any heart pressure or shakes anymore apart from little tingling in my body in the morning just when i wake up. But then I do yoga and it goes away. This morning for example I almost had zero tingling so im on the right track The panic attacks started fading away when I realized that Iam not sick or have any heart problems and that its the comedown and i have to get throught it.

Hope everyone is doing better and remember full recovery is close!

 

[Dawglaw]

You guys will be good. Don't pay attention to the small stuff.

I've been recovered for over a year and a half and I still have days where I don't feel awesome. That is just life - some days you feel great other days you feel tired anxious depressed etc.

Obviously when you are going through traumatic stress of a ltc these feelings get amplified, but remember it's all part of life and don't work yourself up over it.

 

[coderbrah]

I've only done MDMA 3 times, but I really think sometimes that MDMA would reverse this all. I'm not planning on doing it but it keeps on coming up in my head. One of my best friends had an episode from January-March from MDMA where he was extremely paranoid and anxious and he did it again, and some coke too and he came right out of it and is fine again. It's like the MDMA that got him extremely anxious, was reversed by MDMA making him extremely happy. Now he's absolutely top form, and stopped drugs too.

Is anyone's night vision still bad too? I just walked home and the halos from the street lights were almost blinding. Just curious if that's cleared up for anyone.

Nobody really knows, but it might be some sort of craving that you're trying to rationalize? I mean it's pretty weird that an illegal street drug that was responsible for so much of your suffering to have the exact opposite effect upon taking it another time.

Also I feel ya on the night thing. I'm not sensitive to light anymore but my visions pretty grainy in the dark.

Also does anyone with DPDR relate to this: I don't really register what I'm looking at. Like I can be looking somewhere but it doesn't feel like I'm looking if that makes sense.

 

[India111]

Coderbrah i know exactly what you mean with the looking at things. When i was really badly Dr/dp'd (as opposed to just moderately now) and i lost something it took ten times longer to find, even if it was right in front of me for this exact reason. I also feel like I'm sat inside my skull looking at things from behind my eyes rather than actually through my eyes. It was worse in the first few weeks, and actually made me feel claustraphobic in my own body

Edit: also has anyone on here who came out of Dr/dp find it was hard to tell when it's getting better? As i said i THINK it is, but every time period is so subjective it's really hard to tell. I think if it does get better you almost immediately forget what it was like before

 

[coderbrah]

Coderbrah i know exactly what you mean with the looking at things. When i was really badly Dr/dp'd (as opposed to just moderately now) and i lost something it took ten times longer to find, even if it was right in front of me for this exact reason. I also feel like I'm sat inside my skull looking at things from behind my eyes rather than actually through my eyes. It was worse in the first few weeks, and actually made me feel claustraphobic in my own body

Edit: also has anyone on here who came out of Dr/dp find it was hard to tell when it's getting better? As i said i THINK it is, but every time period is so subjective it's really hard to tell. I think if it does get better you almost immediately forget what it was like before

I have yet to come out of horrible dpdr but I relate to how you feel. Luckily my DR isn't as horrible as it used to be, but I can't for the life of me remember what it looked like. Also I have this feeling as if every day is my first day of living and it feels as if the first few months didn't even happen. It just was so absurdly intense (still is though) that a lot of the time it almost feels unreal.?

 

[ro4eva]

Edit: also has anyone on here who came out of Dr/dp find it was hard to tell when it's getting better? As i said i THINK it is, but every time period is so subjective it's really hard to tell. I think if it does get better you almost immediately forget what it was like before

Absolutely.

It took me about 19 months to recover and the recovery was very subtle.

More specifically, my symptoms such as DP and DR improved extremely slowly, I found. So slowly in fact that I had to look at a journal I kept in order to tell at times whether things were improving.

So to those who are in despair over such symptoms, time is unfortunately needed in most cases in order to recover, but do not let that take away your hope.

 

[me2point0]

I've only done MDMA 3 times, but I really think sometimes that MDMA would reverse this all. I'm not planning on doing it but it keeps on coming up in my head. One of my best friends had an episode from January-March from MDMA where he was extremely paranoid and anxious and he did it again, and some coke too and he came right out of it and is fine again. It's like the MDMA that got him extremely anxious, was reversed by MDMA making him extremely happy. Now he's absolutely top form, and stopped drugs too.

Is anyone's night vision still bad too? I just walked home and the halos from the street lights were almost blinding. Just curious if that's cleared up for anyone.

Hey man. As you know I did roll again and i'm not going to lie, I feel better. But here's the thing: ever puked some food you really liked? I have. And afterwards, everytime I put it in my mouth I get nauseous and almost puke.

Same thing happened. I literally had JUST swalled the pill, and had the EXACT same panic attack that I had on the comeup during the night of that bad roll. But I was sober right? My brain literally mimiced the feeling I had 3 months ago accurately.

The point is, if you do decide to do it, you better take some vitamins before, and let it kick while sitting in a non-stimulant environement. Don't do the "just swallowed it, can't do anything about it now" mentality. Accept what you are doing to its full extent. You dont want to start doubting and panicking again in the middle of the high.

Hopefully, my tripsitter grabbed my arms and yelled at me "you're ok, you're ok, you're still sobber man!!" And it calmed me down into a nice trip at a cool event. Get a tripsitter ITS IMPORTANT I MEAN IT.

That said, I still dont recommend doing this as the magic cure, won't happen. But I tried so I won't judge if you do, but repport back if you do.

 

[coderbrah]

I'm not really sure about this, but could the panic attacks on the onset of a roll perhaps be caused by the release of serotonin also stimulating the 5-ht2a pathways? So the serotonin pathways responsible for anxiety/panic?

 

[imabicycle]

I'm not really sure about this, but could the panic attacks on the onset of a roll perhaps be caused by the release of serotonin also stimulating the 5-ht2a pathways? So the serotonin pathways responsible for anxiety/panic?

ur not gonne get better if you know how exactly it works on a cellular level. Just dont think of it and focus on getting better. How is lexapro working for you?
bicycle

 

[thejibberman]

Hey man. As you know I did roll again and i'm not going to lie, I feel better. But here's the thing: ever puked some food you really liked? I have. And afterwards, everytime I put it in my mouth I get nauseous and almost puke.

Same thing happened. I literally had JUST swalled the pill, and had the EXACT same panic attack that I had on the comeup during the night of that bad roll. But I was sober right? My brain literally mimiced the feeling I had 3 months ago accurately.

The point is, if you do decide to do it, you better take some vitamins before, and let it kick while sitting in a non-stimulant environement. Don't do the "just swallowed it, can't do anything about it now" mentality. Accept what you are doing to its full extent. You dont want to start doubting and panicking again in the middle of the high.

Hopefully, my tripsitter grabbed my arms and yelled at me "you're ok, you're ok, you're still sobber man!!" And it calmed me down into a nice trip at a cool event. Get a tripsitter ITS IMPORTANT I MEAN IT.

That said, I still dont recommend doing this as the magic cure, won't happen. But I tried so I won't judge if you do, but repport back if you do.

@coder I wouldn't call it a craving, just if a pill gave me so much anxiety from a bad environment (and literally barely any of it) I just question if a pill could calm me down in a calm environment.

@m2p0 I didn't have a panic attack, just came back from the club panicked quite a bit (wouldn't say it was a panic attack though) over something pretty stupid. Drugs aren't really for me, but I believe as you say, if I was in the right mindset, I could have a good time and get back to near enough baseline. How do you feel now? I'm not implying I'm going through with this but it's just under consideration (and moderation).

 

[coderbrah]

ur not gonne get better if you know how exactly it works on a cellular level. Just dont think of it and focus on getting better. How is lexapro working for you?
bicycle

I understand that, this is pure curiosity. My mood is not dependent on the outcome of that question haha.

As regards to the Lexapro, I'm on my 6th day so it's too early to tell. I definitely notice side effects (sedation/spacy feeling, increased anxiety, vivid dreams) as well as some worsening of symptoms, but this is supposed to be transient.

 

[ScaredFirstTimer]

I understand that, this is pure curiosity. My mood is not dependent on the outcome of that question haha.

Yeah, the ridiculous anti-learning approach needs to stop. I think it's healthy to try to learn about your own condition, even if it means finding out that you have sustained severe damage throughout your cortical serotonin system.

As regards to the Lexapro, I'm on my 6th day so it's too early to tell. I definitely notice side effects (sedation/spacy feeling, increased anxiety, vivid dreams) as well as some worsening of symptoms, but this is supposed to be transient.

Keep us updated.

Edit:

I'm not really sure about this, but could the panic attacks on the onset of a roll perhaps be caused by the release of serotonin also stimulating the 5-ht2a pathways? So the serotonin pathways responsible for anxiety/panic?

What do you mean by this exactly. Do you mean 5-HT2a being stimulated by the SRA properties of MDMA, or the slight affinity MDMA has for 5-HT2 receptors as an agonist?

I definitely think stimulation of the serotonin system can lead to anxiety, as that's what has happened to me when taking 5-HTP and Melatonin. I take an anti-histamine for sleep every now and again. Though nobody seems able to explain it to me, I know that first generation anti-histamines have some serotonin antagonism action, and I believe that's the reason it's also anxiolytic for me.

 

[imabicycle]

All I meant to say was that when you look up scientific studies they are often horror-inducing, indicating very long recovery times or permanent damage, whereas it is plain from the experiences shared here that recovery doesnt have to take that long. Also by 'learning' you are obsessing about your problems whereas I think you should take your mind of it as much as possible. So was just meant as a tip. However if you feel you benefit you should definately research. I just know for a fact that I don't.

 

[ScaredFirstTimer]

All I meant to say was that when you look up scientific studies they are often horror-inducing, indicating very long recovery times or permanent damage, whereas it is plain from the experiences shared here that recovery doesnt have to take that long. Also by 'learning' you are obsessing about your problems whereas I think you should take your mind of it as much as possible. So was just meant as a tip. However if you feel you benefit you should definately research. I just know for a fact that I don't.

I get what you are saying, but for me getting to a mindset where I could accept anything about my condition helped me very much. After that I could read the most depressing research without an increase in anxiety/dread/fear.

I believe that BL is a place where we should try to look for the truth about MDMA and the complications that may arise following its use.

Also by 'learning' you are obsessing about your problems

This may be true for you, but can you be sure that it's true for everyone?

I stopped obsessing the day the scientific literature convinced me that I may very well have caused brain damage.

 

[coderbrah]

Ok small update. Going to up my Lexapro dosage to 10mg this weekend. Still haven't used a benzo though.

 

[imabicycle]

I'm sure you're right to each his own. Just sharing how I experience it. I also have a question. Do you guys think if I'd drink a glass of wine each evening would (apart from raising anxiety maybe temporarily) would delay my recovery process? I'm talking just one glass here

 

[coderbrah]

I'm sure you're right to each his own. Just sharing how I experience it. I also have a question. Do you guys think if I'd drink a glass of wine each evening would (apart from raising anxiety maybe temporarily) would delay my recovery process? I'm talking just one glass here

If you feel fine I wouldn't see it doing any harm.

 

[ro4eva]

I'm sure you're right to each his own. Just sharing how I experience it. I also have a question. Do you guys think if I'd drink a glass of wine each evening would (apart from raising anxiety maybe temporarily) would delay my recovery process? I'm talking just one glass here

Can you keep it down to one glass?

Regrettably, I tried experimenting with alcohol (beer on one occasion, vodka on another) in order to alleviate my symptoms. It didn't turn out well. Instead of "taking the edge off" I went straight to the hangover.

Doesn't mean it'll surely happen to you though.

 

[thejibberman]

I'm sure you're right to each his own. Just sharing how I experience it. I also have a question. Do you guys think if I'd drink a glass of wine each evening would (apart from raising anxiety maybe temporarily) would delay my recovery process? I'm talking just one glass here

What coder said, if you feel fine, do it. It's all about regaining back to normality isn't it? Basically do what you usually do to relax. I think quitting from alcohol and caffeine only helped for the first three weeks of this (because of the constant dizziness).

EDIT:
I drank quite a bit last night for my birthday party, and today I feel way better than I did yesterday. I gave my brain some time to relax from all the stress and now today I feel pretty good. Just went to the beach with friends and am going to the pub to watch the England game, haven't even had the sense of derealisation today (or at least I don't think I have).