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Blog Yay another recovery diary

slw0363

Bluelighter
Joined
May 9, 2018
Messages
185
Location
Tulsa, Oklahoma
So I did my job interview.

They asked me like a thousand and ten generic questions "what would your friends say about you" "why do you want to work for this company" like... I think I did pretty well... At least well for how I would have done a couple years ago or even a year ago. At least I've done some work to figure out who I am.

It's not the place I WANT to work, but it's a full time job and it gives me time to work on my sobriety and time to save up for a car.

And if I don't get it then maybe it's God telling me it's time for inpatient rehab.

Idk.

They told me they would have their decision for me by the end of the day or early tomorrow.

I'll write here in awhile.

Shelby 7/19/21 2:02pm
 

slw0363

Bluelighter
Joined
May 9, 2018
Messages
185
Location
Tulsa, Oklahoma
So like... It's coming to my attention that I might have been emotionally neglected somehow in my childhood. Like... I'm writing this on here though not because I actually feel emotionally neglected because I most certainly didn't, but if by chance that I WAS emotionally neglected... I need to get it out somehow. And I'm pretty sure this is one of those things that I should be working through with a therapist, but getting in writing is definitely a first for me.

Sure, my step dad was a jerk and treated me differently than his actual kids and my mom and my step dad got a divorce in 5th grade and then after then my mom never got remarried nor did she even really date. She made her kids a priority and then in 6th grade my step brother moved to his dads because he always enticed him with money. According to my mom it's because he didn't want to pay child support and I get it like when you're in 3rd grade and you have a parent that's struggling to make ends meet and then you have another parent telling you that he will buy you all these things if you live with him, I would probably want to live with that parent too.

But it really took an emotional toll on my mom with my brother being gone. Like she always hoped that he would come back to her with the knowledge that his dad was a dick and only had money but she had all the love in the world for him.

She had this hope so strong that I could never tell her that there was a chance that he spent enough of his childhood in his dad's care (and his dad talked smack about my mom so much like one time I remember being on an elevator with my step dad and brother and mom and my dad saw the elevator weight limit and he made some comment to me... A 4th grader... About my mom's weight and that being on the elevator with my mom was going to break the elevator according to the weight capacity of the elevator) that he might not come back...

I always faked the hope with her "sure he will come back this is what happens is he will see how much you tried as a parent and he will see what his dad is, you can't deny how much love you gave to him, he will see, just wait, he will see"

Well since then my brother has off and on talked to my mom and they've had the weirdest conversations...

One time I remember my brother asking his mom if he could come over and rub her feet, telling her that he had developed a foot fetish. (he was 18 at this time of this conversation)

Another time my mom had a conversation with my mom and he asked for money and she didn't have money so he told her to "fuck off" and that she was "a drug whore" like this girl, besides for weed, has never done drugs in her entire life.

But still, she hung on hope.

Idk what any of that has to do with my own childhood emotional neglect but there's that.

I never felt neglected in my childhood. I never really knew my real dad but I was cool with that. I guess he was some bullrider at some point idk. He owned a chicken farm or something. He looked a little bit like garth brooks I guess.

Thats about all I knew of my father. Which I was cool with honestly like I knew from a very young age that I bonded better with females than males so it never bothered me not having a dad because I doubt I would have even really gotten along with him that well like the very few times I've interacted with my real dad he was kind but I'm a gay city slicker who was into music and he was a chicken farmer from the middle of nowhere.

I still have yet to see the emotional neglect.

Well...

I wish that I saved the tik tok video but it's not really just one it's been multiple tik tok videos that have given me some insight. It's been like one of those "you have all the symptoms of childhood neglect" kind of thing but like I'm really struggling to see where my emotional neglect comes from like I just remember my mom really being there for me like she was a good fucking mom like no she wasn't perfect and I'm slowly learning to accept that even though I felt like I got all the love that I needed, I may have not ACTUALLY got it in the right way that my soul needed, you know? And that's not her fault that's nobody's fault it just wasn't the way that I needed.

And now it's my job now to give my soul the love that I should have gotten as a child. Whatever love that might be.

Ugh... It's times like right now that I see that I still have a lot of work to do... It feels like a fucking big ass mountain sometimes.

Im not high though.

Still haven't heard from my job interview people I guess I will be hearing from them tomorrow.

Shelby 7/19/21 6:12pm
 

slw0363

Bluelighter
Joined
May 9, 2018
Messages
185
Location
Tulsa, Oklahoma
This video hit so fucking hard tonight starting with #1 (it's 2:11am) and literally every single one and today after writing and seeing this video I'm feeling kind of discouraged because it's starting to feel a little bit like mountain and I'm feeling kinda bad like I'm asking the universe for change and the universe is like "this is what you need to do" but then I'm like "AAAHHHHhhhHhhHhhH" and like I still want change but also all the work for change feels hard and kinda scary honestly and sometimes even like I'll never be able to find the willpower inside of me to be able to make these changes you know? Like I get scared but also like sometimes I have a lot of courage and sometimes I'm both scared 100% and courageous 100% like I don't want the universe to feel like I'm not asking for change because I definitely am like I don't want to wine about it so idk why I am really but shit... I'm scared you know. If I just knew I could do this I wouldn't have to write any of this like I would just fucking do it but sometimes I have the doubt that I can't do it and I'm not sure where to get the direction or courage or anything like I literally don't know how to move forward but then I do. I always do. And maybe that's the lesson here is that I can do it because I always have before, idk, but the doubt fucking sucks the feeling like the work is gonna take a long time or that I'm never gonna get there or that it's gonna be more than I can handle sucks... Umph.

Idk why but I could only type this out in this message box like I tried to write about it in my normal place I write (which I'm also going to copy and paste it there too) and I got half way through typing this and I was like "oh this would be a good place to type this in my recovery diary instead" but I cut/pasted it and lost my full train of direction so idk if it's the universe telling me that you need to hear it or if it's the adhd version of walking through a door and forgetting why you went in that room but I'm gonna send it anyways.

You asked if I'm writing down what I feel in my recovery diary.

Well there's an example of something I would put in my recovery diary.

Shelby 7/20/21 2:22am

 

slw0363

Bluelighter
Joined
May 9, 2018
Messages
185
Location
Tulsa, Oklahoma
Okay...
I better write.

I still haven't heard anything from the managers that I interviewed with today after they told me I would hear back from them either last night or this morning. I walked up to the store and it was fuckin hot today. I walked outside the door initially and thought I would make it but it turned out to be way hotter than I thought. So anyways, I get there and it turns out the manager isn't even in until Thursday. Ugh. So I emailed the district manager (I did a zoom interview with both the district manager and the store manager). Hopefully I will hear back but also hopefully not like... I'm not a fan of working for a company where I have no fucking idea about anything that's going on like... I mean I guess the way I've treated my last few employers, so maybe this is a taste of my own medicine, idk, but I'm taking it as a sign from the universe that I should maybe move on.

I'm really frustrated by my neighbor like to the point that idk if I really even want to hang out with him anymore. Like Thursday he's supposed to take me to the doctor and I just... Ugh... He's so exhausting. But he's also the only friend that like calls or checks up on me everyday like he got paid at midnight and he took me to quick trip to go get a drink and a donut and a scratcher which I'm very thankful for. But also like... He's starting to act a little self righteous in the way he treats me like we were looking at donuts and he like pointed at a donut and was like "I want that one" like he expected me to get it for him and I almost did but like... Okay so first off I really don't like being treated like that like I will fucking do ANYTHING for ANYONE if they need help with it and if it's help I'm able to provide without enabling or hurting them, but like... Don't EXPECT that I'm going to do something just because you say so like once you start demanding I do something like I stop wanting to do it altogether. Plus there's also this aspect of wanting him to keep his own independence like yes he's old yes he can't get around as much or as fast anymore and if that means walking by him on the sidewalk so I can grab onto him if he falls or carrying something heavy for him I don't mind but put your fucking drink down and grab your own fucking donut you old racist pig.
And like everywhere we go he's like talking about how he used to fuck all these girls and he's so fucking racist like I'm just not really cool with it but then there's this other aspect like he's giving me a ride to my psychiatrists appointment on Thursday like I really don't want to be that dude that's there just to get what I can get but it's starting to feel that way and I really hate that right like that's the dude that I was in my addiction and I just don't even want to be that dude anymore but it's not like other people are checking on me to see if I'm doing ok.

I don't even know what I want to type next.

Feeling kinda bleh emotionally right now.

Still sober though and I really am grateful for that.

Frustrated that I don't have a job and also can't get into rehab right now either.

Like I know that I need to just chill but also I just... Ugh.

I've barely got any food idk what to do. I got my food stamp card like on the 2nd or the 3rd of this month I think and it was preloaded with money and I am supposed to get filled each month on the 10th and the 10th passed and I didn't get any money so idk if I just got my food stamp card so close to the 10th that they decided I was good this month or what but I've been eating so much and sleeping so much y'all it's rediculous.

Ugh... Emotional unrest is what I feel now.

And I really don't know like why I feel this way I mean it's almost 4am like maybe I'm tired idk..

I think I'm gonna ask for some sleeping meds from my psychiatrist when I see them Thursday I suck at sleeping period but like I always forget that after I've been clean for a minute that my sleeping schedule gets so fucking out of whack.

And I'm not asking so that way I can sleep my life away I'm asking because I legitimatly just want to sleep at night.

I feel like fixing my sleeping schedule is something I can do to help my emotional disturbances like what I'm feeling right now.

Sighhhhhh. Idk what's on my mind so heavy.

I fucked around with my brother once when we were kids like young kids like I was a kinda fucked up child and then my brother told my mom and I denied it. Like we were kids and we were learning about our parts but I still hold onto that shit like I don't know why this is coming up now like idk why we even were doing such stupid shit it's fuckin dumb but I was figuring out I was gay I guess idk but if I'm getting honest I might as well get honest. Like I had an older sister that pretty much molested me as a young child and then I turned around and did it to my brother idk why she got caught and I never did I mean I was like in 5th grade he was like in 3rd grade it was stupid and I still feel bad about it to this day.

So there's that. Now it's off my chest. Not really. Glad to be honest about it. Not really. I feel like I fucked up person for it. Really.

Shelby 7/21/21 3:47am
 

slw0363

Bluelighter
Joined
May 9, 2018
Messages
185
Location
Tulsa, Oklahoma
This is a letter to my new psychiatrist I'm going to see:

I'm looking back on certain times in my life when I've been on antidepressants and other meds I've tried.

Here are my goals: to regulate rapid mood swings, psychosis (and the anxiety that ensues), better sleep, and impulse control.

In the past I've always been on antidepressants. There's never been once that I felt like they honestly worked for me. The first antidepressant I was on was zoloft. I just remember my psychiatrist increasing and increasing my dosage to no avail. Eventually I moved back home and away from my doctor where I went to a new psychiatrist. She put me on citalopram. There were times where maybe I THOUGHT it was working, but I never FELT it was working more than a placebo effect. I almost feel, looking back, that when I took my anti depressants there would be times where I was almost more likely to go use on my own, but I don't really have my own proof to justify that other than just being an addict. After I moved from my mom's house to tulsa I started having full mental breakdowns and just go numb for days. I lashed out at friends and had full psychotic episodes. Sometimes drug induced but also there have been times being clean for multiple months at a time where I noticed that I still had mini psychotic breakdowns but it was always more like "mini fears that triggered an immense amount of anxiety all at once" and then I would sleep and by the time I would wake up it would be over.

When I moved to tulsa, however this took on a new role... I couldn't control my usage, but my using started to have literally no effect on me and I would spend so much money trying to get high and I know it was real like it was me that was changing... I couldn't get high anymore and any time I got high even from the first puff I would go straight into paranoia, psychosis, heart pounding anxiety... But still, I couldn't stop using. I started picking at my skin to the point my whole face would swell and no matter how much makeup I put on I couldn't cover it. I would spend upwards of 6 to 8 hours at a time getting lost at picking my face in the mirror. Even sober I still have picking my face problems where I'll spend a little too long in the mirror and I will have to pry my mind and body away from picking and when I finally can it feels like someone is taking away oxygen it is that bad.

So going back to when the drugs stopped working for awhile I had psychotic episodes where I thought snakes were in my house. I thought I had every cancer imaginable. I thought I had bugs crawling across my face. Don't get me wrong that's a normal part of methamphetamine psychosis but also even tonight I'm a few weeks clean and had a mini episode where I'm having the most intense anxiety thinking there's a snake in my house.

All through my addiction and even during clean times I've had times of audio-visual hallucinations. Idk if it matters but it's always been things that have been far off like thinking someone is waving at me down the block but then there's nobody there or thinking I hear hissing when it's tinnitus or thinking I see flashes of light.

I also have a problem with sleep like I cannot sleep for the life of me a few weeks after I get sober. Like the first few days I sleep great because I've been up for so long but then after that my sleep schedule gets out of whack.

Maybe this last part is a therapy thing idk but I'm just really sucking at fitting into society. My last job I lost because I thought my boss was hitting on me like it's almost like he was triggering these episodes on purpose but sometimes it feels like I can get triggered for anything. And this has been the last I can't even tell you how many jobs I've lost not just from using but from my own skewed interpretations of everything that was going on or what I felt like was going on. Most of the time I am very self aware and can point out what is wrong but now over the past couple years I slowly have just began to lose touch with all reality at times.

I so badly just want to be a normal human again or at least not feel like everybody is out to get me or not panic about it or whatever.

Thank you

Shelby 7/22/21 1:02am
 

slw0363

Bluelighter
Joined
May 9, 2018
Messages
185
Location
Tulsa, Oklahoma
So like... I'm really struggling. Not with cravings or anything but like... With money.

And I mean that in all sorts of the term like I don't know how to save money I don't know how to make money I don't know how to keep a job like I'm really struggling.

Something else I'm struggling with is I don't know how to talk to people in real life.
Like I don't know how to use my voice to communicate.

I suspect this is one of the main reasons that I kept failing over and over again at things like AA and NA, I had to use my voice and I have no fucking idea how to communicate.

I don't even know where to get proper communication skills.

And furthermore why don't I have any anyways?

Like I can type just fine, in fact, going back to the money thing, I'm thinking about trying to figure out how to blog for money.

In addition to all this struggling like I'm upset because not only am I being laxidasical at finding a job...like I BE acting like money is just gonna fall out of the sky and land in my lap.

But I'm frustrated too right like I know damn well and good that money is such a goddamn trigger for me like I'm not stupid I know when I get some money I'll go to the casino or be SO tempted to call up someone to go get high.

Part of me is tempted sometimes to sale my tablet (which I use religiously to listen to music and read and watch things) or my phone (which I also use religiously) or my headphones (which are nice don't get me wrong but I also use them religiously) or my chrome cast (which I WILL use religiously when I get a TV with an hdmi port) I have a bike that a friend gave me I could sale. I never go bike riding with how out of shape I am. Like I'd rather just walk instead like riding the bike just really takes it out of me. But a friend gave me that bike like that would be so fucked up if I sold that.

But like I'm gonna run out of like food and toilet paper soon. I get my food stamps refilled on the 10th and just straight up I am not gonna make it.

The nearest food pantry is like 2 miles away and I don't have a car and straight up that's a ways to walk in 90 degree heat. Maybe I'll get hungry enough that I'll go. Idk.

Its weird how all of these things that are problems don't get me wrong, but it's like a thousand miniscule problems bubbling up for me all at once like I wasn't stressed out about money as bad as I am last week like idk what to do about all of this at once like I feel like I don't even have a very good head start just because I don't have an ID and my communication skills are so poor in real life. Like don't get me wrong I'm good at GETTING a job when I want one, but I'm so NOT good at keeping a job. Like... It makes me not want to try at all and I'm so frustrated because so many times have I gotten to just a good place in my job just for me to almost on purpose shatter it.

I'm stressed out and I don't know what to do. And it's not like there's 0 options just there's so many that I don't know how to deal with all of it but then I'm like "why try"

But then I'm the motherfucker that doesn't want to lose this nice ass apartment I have.

It's overwhelming. I'm overwhelmed. And I feel stuck at the same time. I'm frustrated because I'm stuck but I can't go further because I'm overwhelmed.

Ugh.

Shelby 7/23/21 12:50am
 

slw0363

Bluelighter
Joined
May 9, 2018
Messages
185
Location
Tulsa, Oklahoma
Also.... I saw my new psychiatrist today and I didn't show him what I wrote unfortunately but I did pretty much tell him everything that I had written down.

They're going to put me on an anti psychotic and wellbutrin, and they're gonna ween me off of my Escitalopram and put me on Naltraxone.

Nothing for sleep but they told me that the anti psychotic will help me sleep better.

I don't really know what to think about all of that like I've heard that anti psychotics can make you dull which maybe I need dulled down a little bit idk. Wellbutrin I've been on before and to be honest idk if it even helped but they told me that maybe I wasn't on a high enough dose or that it wasn't mixed with the right meds so hopefully they'll get it right. I'm wanting to quit smoking soon too so I'm excited, I hope it helps with that as well.

The naltraxone I've heard very little about like straight up I'm just excited I've finally got a doctor that's not just putting me on different anti depressants, but I would say this is the first time that I've been honest in the way that I've took time to understand my mental state to the point of being able to describe it. I'm thankful for that. So hey idk maybe my communication skills aren't THAT bad but idk I'm just frustrated that I don't know how I can be a part of the work force and keep a job.

Oh well... We'll see how it goes. I'm excited. I'm ready for change. It's time. It's past time.

Shelby 7/23/21 12:58am
 

slw0363

Bluelighter
Joined
May 9, 2018
Messages
185
Location
Tulsa, Oklahoma
I better write before the feeling leaves.
My "best friend" is in the hospital tonight. Her girlfriend and two dogs are staying the night with me. Three dogs in a single apartment is... Whew... A lot of commotion compared to what I'm used to, that's for sure.

Side adhd note: I wonder what my dog thinks about when I'm on my phone and he's not playing but he's still awake. Like what thoughts cross his mind.

Anyways... My "best friend" is in the hospital tonight she just found out she was diabetic. Her blood sugar was 430 something. Insane.

Obviously this post is dedicated to my "best friend" here. God forbid I hope she never see this.

So... We started off being friends about 10 years or so ago. I was starting a new high school and she was in her senior year of high school. She was one of the very first people I came out to at the new town I was starting high school in. Both of us were in band, and therefore had lots of band trips together. Our band director had a knack for keeping a tight ship: all of us were close. Even the ones that hated eachother still got along enough to be able to perform together, but I guess that's showbiz, ain't it?

Both of us were in winter gaurd, as well. In band I played trumpet (and was wildly successful at it), and in winter gaurd I played xylophone. She played xylophone in both band and winter gaurd.

She was also in choir but singing just really never struck my fancy any so I stayed out but that was what she was peticularly good at and she even went to college to do music education (as I did at a different school. She stayed and went to school in Kansas and I hopped ship and left and went to school on Texas) still, even though we didn't talk as much as we did before, we still were good friends.

I ended up chasing idk what... I changed schools every year I went to college, and I went to college for 6 years. I should have ended up with a bachelor's at least but instead I ended up with a drug problem and a lot of debt and I had to keep starting over every single place I went.

She ended up dropping out of college and went on to work in retail.

We decided we were gonna live together before my addiction started. A few months before I was supposed to move down here she hopped ship and moved down here to tulsa with a newfound girlfriend and leaving me to figure out how to make it on my own.

So I ended up moving to tulsa on my own in 2014 where I got addicted to drugs. And then I ended up moving back out of state with my mom and some other people.

That lasted until covid hit. I lost my job to covid and it was going to be a few weeks until unemployment hit, so my "best friend" was like "shelby move down here and live with me" plus we decided there was a lot more job opportunities in the Tulsa area plus my mom had abandoned her home anyways. So I left and moved to tulsa with the intentions on getting clean.

I started going to meetings. The first or second day I was in Tulsa I started at a really hardcore meeting group like they're good people like I'm not here to talk smack on them but let's be honest, their approach to addiction treatment is a lot different than my approach to addiction treatment. I got a sponsor and was very easily convinced to leave behind my dog at my best friend's house and move to an Oxford house...

I don't know what I was thinking like... I suck at Oxford houses like I'm sure if I tried I could do it but like if I'm given the ultimatum of getting kicked out if I get high one time like I will just get it fucking over with and get high so that way I'm not postponing the inevitable like I will on purpose ruin it not because I want to but because that controlling part of my mind just kicks in for some reason.

So I found an apartment in the same complex my best friend was in and I relapsed and I moved into the new place.

I quickly figured out that my addiction was not over with. I tried ghb for the first time in that new apartment and my comedown from that was the craziest thing ever. I don't know if it was bad dope or bad ghb or the mix of it or because it was new to my body or what but the next day I truly believed I was going to die. I shaved my hair off and I got so scared of dying that I knew if I was to live in that apartment anymore I would end up killing myself. I told my friend about this and I asked her if I could move back and she told me "shelby... You can stay here for 23 hours a day, but in the 24th hour... I want live alone with my girlfriend." which would be cool but that statement literally came after "I am literally going to die if I have to live alone"

After she told me that... I quickly grabbed what I had left and moved back to my apartment... I... At that moment... Knew that I was going to die... And there was nothing I could do about it, nobody would help me... Nobody would be there. It would just be me. I found companionship in my dog, sure, and I even felt bad because I knew he would have to witness my death, and even more I felt bad for him because he would be alone in going through it.

That was the first time she kicked me out of living with her.

This is probably going to be a three (or more) part mini series because there's so many more details to add, but it's currently 2:32am and I'm tired but I can't wait to fill you guys in later. It gets deep.

Shelby 7/24/21 2:33am
 

slw0363

Bluelighter
Joined
May 9, 2018
Messages
185
Location
Tulsa, Oklahoma
So like I'm just having a super off day. I'm letting the cravings inadvertently get the best of me like I'm trying to practice mindfulness when I recognize it but cravings have been catching me off gaurd a little bit today and it's been putting me in a funky mood.

My friend got out of the hospital today. She's like an official type 2 diabetic now.

I spent the last $4 I had on some ear mite treatment for my dog. He's acting real tired today but last night he played all night with my friends dogs. I hate it because even I got attached and now it's real quiet in my apartment.

Idk I'm just feeling intensely depressed today. I'm going to copy/past some messages between me and my addictions counselor friend.

Maybe I just need some sleep.

Tomorrow is a new day.

I pretty much said no twice to drugs today I'm really proud of myself for that. And when I said no I didn't lie about it the first time I actually told her I was trying to get clean.
The second time I just ignored the message altogether.

Shelby 7/24/21 11:47pm
 

slw0363

Bluelighter
Joined
May 9, 2018
Messages
185
Location
Tulsa, Oklahoma
I feel like.........

Margaritas.

And coke.

Coca cola.

Jalapenos.

I've been writing right like you know this and sometimes I just write random things until what I actually am trying to say comes out because it turns out I can write down what I want to say before I think it in a sort of weird way like if I let my fingers start typing, they will just start to form their own thoughts, and I let my fingers just go with the crashing of the waves that is my cerebellum.

Cerebral juice.

Coricozortex.

Latex.

What's bothering you brain.

Why are you off today?

Well... I'm off today because I just... I'm feeling off. And that's right. It's okay. I know it's hard to have off days because it's like "am I having a mental breakdown or am I trying to relapse or is my brain chemistry just trying to get back to normal or is it just too hot or have I not smoked enough cigarettes today" I don't know. I couldn't tell you the answer and it sucks because I WANT to know. Maybe that's what is off with me is I WANT to know so bad but all the answers I'm looking for exist in a "fly by the seat of your pants" gray area continuum. It's a hard thing to deal with because I want to know answers. I want to know answers because I have questions and for questions there are answers like for things there are places and sometimes, which is really what I'm struggling with, I have to find a place in the gray area like how do you set an object in the gray area like you can't and so I'm struggling because if you can't set an object in the gray area then why do answers have a gray area. They say you should broaden your education and your worldly view and I completely agree with that but how are you supposed to do that, how are you supposed to learn about yourself and the the world that you live in if so there are so many gray area questions.

I'm having trouble being just in the moment I'm letting things trouble me but I don't know what those things are and it bothers me even more it's like an anonymous bully on the internet like if you're going to cause problems for me at least show me your face.

I want a job.

Why do I want a job?

So I can get a car.

Why do I want a car?

So I can be independent.

Why do I want to be independent?

So I can truly see that I can rely on myself.

Why do I choose to rely on myself?

Because relying on other people leads to dissapointment.

Why does relying on other people lead to dissapointment?

I don't know that it leads to dissapointment (this is key)

But in the past I've been dissapointed by relying on others.

Why have you been dissapointed by others?

Because I gave them the opportunity to dissapoint me.

Why did you give them the opportunity to dissapoint me?

Because I thought I could trust them.

Why could you trust them?
Why did I trust them?
Who is them?
Trust them with what?

Why could you trust them?
Because they showed me I could trust.

Who is them?
Who IS them?
My mom. My friends. Myself. A lot of people.

Trust them with what?
My sobriety?

Why did I trust them with my sobriety?
Because I thought they were smart and could handle it.

Why did I think they were smart and could handle it?
Because they went to school or told me they could otherwise.

Yeah but no nobody tells you that they can handle your sobriety that's something that you put on them nobody comes up (in their right mind at least) and says "shelby I'm gonna take all the repercussions of you getting high" nobody and so why are you assuming that someone, anybody, could take on all the toxic shame, all the toxic guilt, all the toxicity you had pent up in your life and your addiction?

Because I didn't want to handle it myself. It's too fucking heavy and I truly have no idea if I can do it alone.

Wow this turned fastly lol God all I was asking for was a car haha

This is a worth thing I don't want to rely on other people because I don't have worth ALSO I have unkempt feelings with (my friend that kicked me out) about how she kicked me out with no place to go multiple times. Not that it's her fault but I do agree she handled it incorrectly both times, especially with how I've been there to help her but who says that I DESERVE anything in return like who am I to EXPECT something in return like I do this to get things in return but that makes me like a fucking narcissist and I fucking HATE narcissistic people like narcissistic people got me addicted to drugs like narcissistic people kept me addicted to drugs narcissistic people expected that I would give them something for nothing in return and really I'm no better than that. And that's fucked up.

I want to work on self worth but I have fucked up views on life like I expect things for nothing who am I to just not do something out of the kindness of my heart like that's the person I SHOULD BE

But nah like I'm self entitled and it's fucking stupid like I hate being the way I am man like I'm fucked up and I'm fucked up about it. Your purpose this whole time Shelby was to find worth. Period. And you wanted to remember so here. Now you can remember. It will help you. Find worth. Find worth before it kills you, buddy. Find it. You can find worth by treating others with kindness without expecting return.

You can find worth in creating and planting and growing and processing (just like how you are now)

You can find worth in music

You can find worth in pets

You can find worth in yourself, which is fucking hard to do.

You are going through challenges that make you forget your worth because that was the thing you needed to learn all along.

Stop killing yourself trying to find answers there's no answer in worth just like recovery worth comes in a multitude of things man like worth comes in a million shapes and sizes and that right there is your answer. There's no one thing that gives you worth buddy like if you're getting your worth from only one thing then that's toxic worth and you don't want that type of worth. You have to move on. It's time. Your chapter might not feel over but I'm closing it and forcing you to move ahead. You have bigger and better things ahead for you buddy, you just wait and see. You'll be so excited you went through this one day.

And by the way you don't have to remember this anymore it's not a thing I'll ever have to remind you of again I'm giving you the biggest blessing and you can thank me later.

Whatever that means lol

Straight up just conversation with my inner dialogue lol I'll be happy to start my anti psychotics haha

Shelby 7/24/21 11:54pm
 

slw0363

Bluelighter
Joined
May 9, 2018
Messages
185
Location
Tulsa, Oklahoma
I hope like everything is being documented for education purposes like they might not find a cure in this life but I'm good at putting what is going on down in words so maybe in the next life they can use it to find a cure like that would be cool
Shelby 7/24/21 11:55pm
 

slw0363

Bluelighter
Joined
May 9, 2018
Messages
185
Location
Tulsa, Oklahoma
So like... It's crazy how many things come and leave my mind everyday all day where I'm like "that would make a really good post" and then I don't post it like I don't know if part of this getting honest thing requires me to write down every single thing as it comes to my mind, or if I should just write down what I feel at the moment of writing or if I should be like taking notes all day and then elaborate on all of it at the end of the day when I write. I mean if I get the overwhelming urge to write I'm just gonna write like it's not like my blog has an open hours or closed hours sign on it I can litterally blog when I feel the need at any point as much as I want.

I feel a lot of freedom in that.

Today my Vietnamese neighbor hurt my feelings. Well... She's been hurting my feelings a lot recently with how she treats my dog and I like... I want to tell her but I don't know how like I know that it's not my problem as long as I'm honest and as long as I get what's off my chest without hurting anybody, but like I still care right like I still care that I'm not saying things out of hurt or because my brain chemistry is a little off that day. Anywho, my dog will look out the window and see that she is gardening and that's cool like I legitimately enjoy the plants that are just hanging outside my door. I enjoy whatching them grow, I find interest in planting myself so I would also like to have plants that I can plant like I think it's awesome. But my dog gets excited when he's outside doing his business and he will chase after something or God forbid him go up to a plant to smell it right like I should be taking notes on how to stop and smell the flowers from my dog of all people, or creatures, I should say. But sometimes he'll knock over a pot or whatever. Like I'm sorry he's a dog he wants to walk around outside sometimes, but also I'm a human who fucking cares so I'm not just gonna leave the plants knocked over like I'm going to pick them up and put the soil back in the very very best I can. I also want to her plants grow.

But like today my dog walked outside to greet her and she got in such a tizzy because he almost knocked over one of her plants and I didn't rush over to move him or get him out of the way? Why? Because if he does I'll pick it up like it's just a plant.

And look I get it like those are her babies like first off she's Asian but she came over to America at an older age, learning everything from scratch, having jobs that I'm sure weren't all that great like she worked at Wendy's once which is amazing like I don't know how she could be learning all this American culture and working at Wendy's like getting ME to work at Wendy's alone would be a miracle like that alone would be something I could never do, but then I'm sure she's subjected to racism and hate that I myself have been privileged enough and will be privileged enough to never have to experience so yes I'm sure that all her anger and hate and frusteration is taken out on getting those plants to grow... But damn... They're just plants.

Like as I type this out I'm feeling a little bit like a dick because she has to go through things that my little beady mind could never comprehend and here I am just not caring if those plants get knocked over. Like I don't like how she treats my dog like my dog just walked up to her today because he saw her and got excited like he just wants a pat on the head and to be told he's a good boy and then he's pretty good about going about doing his business somewhere else, but he is just saying hi like how I would say hi to anybody I knew. But she shewed him off as soon as she saw him get close and I couldn't imagine what that would be like for a dog right like "yay a human I'm gonna say hi" and then get yelled at for walking up to her.

And to be clear like it's not HIM persay knocking over the plants but his leash.

I told her my feelings were hurt today and I even feel bad that I told her that like I'm feeling maybe especially bad now... Idk. I just know my dog is a good boy.

Speaking of my dog. Idk if they have this in other towns but they have a temporary adoption program for dogs to go into houses of people who will be in rehab. (this is called pause for paws where I'm from) and I'm really sad like... I don't want to have to rehome my dog while I'm in rehab like what if they can't find him a home and he has to be boarded the entire time or what if he gets put in a home where they don't understand that he can be on the furniture or they don't understand that he's afraid of loud noises like thunder and rain or what if they don't comfort him when he's having a bad dream.

:(

What if I can't focus in rehab because I'm overly worried about him?

What if in rehab they try to talk me into going to an Oxford house?

Like straight up I can't leave my dog like I have my apartment because of my dog bro if I didn't have him I would have been fine with just couch surfing or sleeping under a bridge but it was that dude that kept me from doing that or just always hooking up on grindr like I do so much for that dog and that's not the point but if I lose that dog right now I would so be off the deep end like my dog keeps me rooted and my dog has saved my life far many more times than I've saved his.

Sigh...

I've had some strong cravings today but I've been sober and I've been practicing mindfulness (thinking about my thoughts as I have them, although this is hard for me to do sometimes), and in the moment of craving I've been practicing being present (pretending like the past hasn't happened and reminding myself that the future hasn't happened yet)

You know... Something I hope for... I hope my life doesn't pass in the blink of an eye. Like I know it will in a lot of ways but also I hope I can look back on my life and think to myself "man I really lived life like I lived every moment and even though there were some bad times, my life wasn't bad. There's nothing else I would have done differently and I've done everything I would like to do and I was there and I was sober for them and THANK GOD I was"

But I have this fear that life is just gonna be this continuous struggle and then one day I'm gonna wake up and have more years behind me than years left and I'm gonna freak out because there was so much I wanted to do... So much I was supposed to do... And didn't do any of it.

So what do I do about that? How can I live life when I don't even know what I like anymore how can I live life when the only thing in my fridge is a single apple and a single meal of rice corn and chicken like... How can I truly live life in moments like this.

God please help me be sober please help me live life I need help with both of those things universe I need help like please help me see and follow the signs I need to do both of those things... Amen and thank you

Shelby 7/26/21 4:44am
 

slw0363

Bluelighter
Joined
May 9, 2018
Messages
185
Location
Tulsa, Oklahoma
Today was a great day. My addiction counselor friend (not the one that kicked me out multiple times) sent me money and I was able to get groceries and furthermore I didn't spend money on drugs, I don't have money left to spend money on drugs, and I'm sober still.
I'm grateful as hell to be sober right now.

I am tired though, I did buy some zzzquil just because I have interviews/Dr's appointments this week like last night I stayed awake until 8am (this morning) so I'm trying to get my sleeping schedule back in check. Hopefully my anti psychotics will also help with this.

I'm grateful. And I'm grateful I've learned the practice of being present and I'm able to use that. My ass is still going to rehab though that's for sure.

Talk to you guys tomorrow :)
Shelby 7/26/21 11:57pm
 

slw0363

Bluelighter
Joined
May 9, 2018
Messages
185
Location
Tulsa, Oklahoma
Okay so here's a new for me... I'm going to write. I had some extra time today and I feel like writing so that's what I'm going to do even though I don't really have anything to write about.

Today I got a job? I think? I'm not sure like the interview was over text and they told me I got the job and then they said they were gonna send some paperwork tomorrow but today I would have to feel out a form and idk I'm having a feeling that the form is gonna have me write down my bank information and like I'm getting this weird vibe that I'm about to be scammed but I can't tell like... How can I tell if this is a scam or not? Idk.

Tomorrow I have another interview. The place I was talking about in the previous paragraph it's a remote position working for colonial life insurance? Which is so weird and the job requirements literally says:

"Job Details
Full-time, remote position. Responsibilities include connecting with customers online & by phone, responding to customer inquiries, confirming appointments, triaging & routing calls appropriately, processing payments, and updating information."

Like that's it.

The profile that posted it looks fake as hell too. Idk... I'm just feeling very scammish about it.

Anyways the place I'm interviewing for tomorrow is a real in person job at a hotel in Tulsa which I've done hotel work before I really actually didn't mind it at all. I enjoyed talking to all sorts of people and I definitely enjoyed speaking with my regulars. It's crazy how many people become entangled in your life just because you see them often. Not only that but I also got to share some people's craziest moments: when their houses get flooded or a tornado destroys their house and especially funerals are a big one but on the other hand family reunions are awesome because there's so many people that haven't seen eachother in years finally get to see eachother.

Idk... I'm sober today that I do know.

I know there's like a ton of other little things bothering me but I'm just super fucking grateful today like I could cry honestly like I can't remember the last time I just felt kinda happy.

It would be cool if this at home colonial life job worked out but idk I'm gonna bank on it won't. I also need to go check the mailbox to see if my anti psychotics came in.

I'll probably write again later today I hope I do at least. Today has been a good day. And I'm grateful for that :)

oh I am still working on the worth thing though like I really want to learn how to cultivate a sense of self worth and I have no idea where to go or how to do that.

Its important that I learn my own worth I think.

Shelby 7/27/21 5:31pm
 

slw0363

Bluelighter
Joined
May 9, 2018
Messages
185
Location
Tulsa, Oklahoma
Took my second anti psychotic just about an hour ago or so and I've already felt it kick in so like I'll be hanging up the phone here soon but I just wanted to let you guys know how great this medicine is like today I had a fucking good day I had an interview which went really well too and I acted very sociable with people as well. Like this shit is awesome.

I even kept having these moments of clarity where I'm like "is this what normal people feel?!" like I can't imagine it having that strong of effect on the first day of taking it, like I'm certain it's just my brain chemistry getting all whacked out of shape but damn I would take like 1,000 more good days like today.

My cravings are minimal, my anxiety was minimal.

I even had a pretty good interview today.

I even posted on reddit asking for more friends from Tulsa and I've gotten back so many responses that in a weird way it's kinda overwhelming.

Fuck I'm grateful.

I am concerned about getting this job though like I'm trying not to let it stress me out because obviously I am going to rehab but like shit... Money haha. So I'm just going with the flow. Today the interview went great and they didn't even seem to care that I am going to have to take the bus which is good. I haven't heard back from them but I hope I do but at the same time if I do get the job then I'll either have to go to outpatient rehab (which I don't really want to do) or quit and ask for my job back or something and at least for me it doesn't seem like the best thing ever to have to ask off for a whole month within the first 90 days of working at a job.

Oh well... I'll leave it to the universe in all it's infinite wisdom.

I'm gonna hit the sack I would really like to write before I take my anti psychotic tomorrow so I'm not falling asleep writing like I was last night and am right now lol.

I'm grateful to be grateful and I'm grateful to be sober. ❤️

Shelby 7/28/21 10:52pm
 

slw0363

Bluelighter
Joined
May 9, 2018
Messages
185
Location
Tulsa, Oklahoma
Hey I just first have to say I'm really proud of myself for writing before I take my medicine. It's me showing myself that my writing is important... Because it is. I am chalking such a large part of my current sobriety up to this writing. Because (unfortunately) I've not been going to meetings.

I've always struggled with going to meetings but I think it's because I struggle saying what I want to or need to say in real life, like I don't know how to change that like I can begin to say what I want to say in real life but then I get tangled and trip over my thoughts and feelings and I get lost and before I know it I'm disassociating and I'm not even sure what I'm saying as I say it like I hate that about me that I get like that.

I do feel like I should try meetings maybe but with rehab hopefully close I'll probably just leave it for that. But I shouldn't make excuses either like I have wifi at the moment (until they cut it off at least) I should be utilizing zoom meetings or smart recovery. I even have bus passes like there's no reason I SHOULDN'T be going to meetings, other than not knowing how to say what I feel and feeling like I'm not really getting what I need off my chest (like I can here) and getting aggrivated at myself in the end.

I wish there was a way on my phone that I could make my notifications not so overwhelming. Like with being on the job hunt I feel like I always have to keep my phone at full volume in case someone needs to call (in which I've heard from literally nobody so far ugh) but like there's so many emails I get and after I posted asking for friends in Tulsa my inbox and post blew up which is cool I'm so grateful that people want to be my friend but it gets so overwhelming sifting through everything.

Ugh I'm on dog watch today again. My "best friend" and her girlfriend went to the girlfriends parents house after a week of me driving both of them back and forth to the hospital all week.
All of a sudden all their ailments are cured and they wanna go swimming. You'd think for people swearing they needed to go to the ER that they would be a little sicker than to pawn their dog off on someone that has no food in their house to go have fun. So glad I can be that guy. Not only that but they refuse to watch my one dog because "it might be too much for them to handle" so now my dog is going to idk where with idk who with.

Oh well... I think a nap is impending. Im getting cranky.

Shelby 7/29/21 3:47pm
 

slw0363

Bluelighter
Joined
May 9, 2018
Messages
185
Location
Tulsa, Oklahoma
Okay so I got a question that's been bothering me for some time. And I wonder if my family just isn't going in cycles so on another thought I would like to break this cycle for if I ever have a kid like I remember my mom telling me this too:

I'm just curious as to how people figure out what they like and dislike?

Like this seems so dumb but like I have no career goals I don't know what I want in a job I have no hobbies like I smoke cigarettes, vent on here, and scroll tik tok for hours on end.

Don't get me wrong I know a little of it (or most of it) has to do with literally going and doing something to see if you like it or not but I literally don't have money so what am I supposed to do? Is there some buzzfeed quiz or something I can do to just know? I feel like I've spent so many days hours and years (and probably my entire life) trying to fix other people that I have no idea what I like to do but furthermore how do I go about LEARNING what I like to do?

Shelby 7/29/21 4:18pm
 
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