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Blog Yay another recovery diary

slw0363

Bluelighter
Joined
May 9, 2018
Messages
185
Location
Tulsa, Oklahoma
Hi my name is Shelby I'm from the most hated state by it's own residents, Oklahoma. The state notorious for the one drug I'm addicted to... Well... That and tornados.

Idk what I'm supposed to write about here... Or even in future posts... But I really want to get clean. And I need some help. I am going to start going to outpatient rehab within the next couple weeks as long as I can hopefully find a ride...
This will be my 2nd time in outpatient. I also did inpatient once and I'm thinking about going back again. I honestly don't see why not like you get to better yourself, you get to make new friends, you get to stay clean like there really isn't a reason everybody shouldn't do rehab at least once in their life...

My problem comes though that this will be the second time doing inpatient if I go that route right? And I'm struggling because I don't understand why I went back to using after rehab like I feel like I wasted my own time (not talking about the counselors of course most of them were really helpful) like am I going to use after this?

People are like "you have to be done using to quit" but that phrase is the most loaded bullshit I've ever heard motherfucker I was done last time I went to rehab and then I used again. I have been done approximately 6,482,912 times and each time I went back. Why why why?!

I have watched this fucked up drug bury multiple friends and I have the worst sinking feeling that it will also be me if I don't stop soon.

I feel like there's so much to write about now that I have started writing idk who's gonna read it I sure the hell wouldn't but that's just me. I've been around the forums for years but this is my first time making an actual like... Well... This is my first time for any diary ever. I hope I can make cool friends here.

Talk to you guys next time
Shelby (7/4/21)
 

Pumpkin2021

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 25, 2021
Messages
1,698
Location
Michigan
Hey. I commend you for trying rehab again. A boatload of people on here have been 5 or 6 times and they are still using. Make ya feel a little better? hope so.

Main thing is just don't ever stop trying. The saying " nobody quits until they are ready" is a cliche but it is true. One has to be absolutely ready and most of us don't get there until we are older. If it's any consolation it took me over 40 years to be REALLY ready. Hope it doesn't take you that long.
 

slw0363

Bluelighter
Joined
May 9, 2018
Messages
185
Location
Tulsa, Oklahoma
So I've used pretty solidly for 7 years like I think the longest stretch of sobriety I had in a single streak was three months. The second time I got high it was by needle and that was like the 4th time I got high ever (the two previous was just weed) it's crazy because I went from weed to meth and was immediately addicted. I uses literally every day for a couple years by iv and then I finally started taking breaks and trying to get sober. It took me forever to learn to like smoking I was one of those "smoking doesn't do anything for me assholes" but then after my arms started to look like a fuckin chainsaw massacres (I can't believe how long I went without properly knowing how to iv like I remember when I first started I didn't even draw like I was just firing away and hoping for the best) and I couldn't find veins anymore I started smoking.

I don't say this for any more than the other option of things for me to do is pick at my face right now and I have literally picked at every fucking pore on my face in the last day I am so upset with myself.

But anyways the other reason I sat all of that is because I used fuckin hard and without care for my health you know.

I didn't think I mattered.

I still don't think I matter in a lot of ways but I guess I'm afraid to die so I'm trying to figure out a reason to stay alive.

I'm gay you know and it's slowly occuring to me I might not ever get the chance to have my own kids and family. Like that's a lot harder thing to do for gay people than straight people even though it is kinda better. I don't even have a bf I've never had a real life one before but right now I'm in my addiction like I'd be a fucking terrible bf and I for damn sure am not trying to have a bf that uses.

Idk... I just know I would in no way make it 40 years. Like straight up I'd be surprised if I last 10 more years at this pace. I'm lucky to have gotten as far as I have without dying. I'm blessed. I'm grateful.

I get mad though bc why can't I be done now like why have I gone through my addiction for 7 years now and still use sometimes when fuckin Stacy over there was an alcoholic for 1 year and is now sober like what did she do or what does she get that I don't? I want to know it! If I don't feel done how do I get to a place where I can feel that way?

Sorry I know a lot of this is just random and disoriented like I said I've been standing in the mirror picking at my face for a hot hot minute and so I'm for the first time trying to write it out instead.
Shelby (7-4-21)
 

deficiT

Sr. Moderator: TDS, NSADD, S&G
Staff member
Joined
Mar 7, 2011
Messages
7,534
Location
Baltimore, MD
Welcome to Bluelight!

There are a couple forums you might be interested in, well we have The Dark Side, Mental Health, and Health + Recovery. Those are Recovery Support Forums so you might find some good advice and open ears there.

And then we also have the Words forum as well as the ability to make Blog posts. Check em out!
 

slw0363

Bluelighter
Joined
May 9, 2018
Messages
185
Location
Tulsa, Oklahoma
Welcome to Bluelight!

There are a couple forums you might be interested in, well we have The Dark Side, Mental Health, and Health + Recovery. Those are Recovery Support Forums so you might find some good advice and open ears there.

And then we also have the Words forum as well as the ability to make Blog posts. Check em out!
Okay so quick question... What would I use a blog for vs a forum/thread? Are there less people that view blogs?

Thank you for the support ❤️
 

deficiT

Sr. Moderator: TDS, NSADD, S&G
Staff member
Joined
Mar 7, 2011
Messages
7,534
Location
Baltimore, MD
Okay so quick question... What would I use a blog for vs a forum/thread? Are there less people that view blogs?

Thank you for the support ❤️
Well the blog just sort of functions like its own forum. It just makes it a little bit easier to get to from the main menu. You still follow the same process as posting a regular thread, and people can still comment.

The Blogs I think are just meant for people to post personal things that might not fit in anywhere else.
 

slw0363

Bluelighter
Joined
May 9, 2018
Messages
185
Location
Tulsa, Oklahoma
I feel like such an old person "why did that picture post twice how do I delete it" "what do all these buttons do why I do I need so many"
 
Joined
Jan 21, 2020
Messages
5,665
Location
Four Mile Creek, St. Clair Township, Ohio
I feel like such an old person "why did that picture post twice how do I delete it" "what do all these buttons do why I do I need so many"
You can delete your posts by either editing them or just deleting them. That function is located in the ( … ) box in the bottom left hand side next to the (report) button. It takes a minute to get use to the forum tools here, and if you have any troubles you can always message a staff member or me, and we can help. Members have a lot of control about the content they post on bluelight.

🧙‍♂️
 

slw0363

Bluelighter
Joined
May 9, 2018
Messages
185
Location
Tulsa, Oklahoma
So I'm having just a pretty shit day today like I'm trying to get up and move around but I've spent the last two days consistently picking. To the point that more than 50% of my face is scab.

Yesterday I had like idk 3 weeks of clean time and then BAM an "old friend" shows up at your door randomly with a little shit. Not a lot just enough to make you fuckin feign for your life so you're like "yeah ok one more bag". I gotta be careful with that train of thought though because that train has straight up tossed my ass back into active addiction so many times. But like I lost my job I'm looking for a new job so I'm TRYING to be sober and not have a face that looks like I stuck my face in a vad of boiling greese.

So someone mentioned blogs and one day I will learn how to blog instead of just add to the same old post but I couldn't figure out how to make a new blog post, and I'm using this as a test run for hopefully my actual future recovery diary. I would assume something like that would work out so much better as a blog than a thread.

So... I tried a new app to stop the face picking but I'm such a hot mess right now. I'm trying to remember to use it when I can but I have to use it like THE SECOND that I want to start picking at my face or I'll casually "I'll stop in a minute" myself to death.

I'm supposed to go to the doctor tomorrow like I actually really need to go to get antibiotics for my face but I don't have a ride set up I don't have money for an Uber. I SHOULD call and see if she will telehealth me but I literally have no motivation for literally anything except giving myself a full body infection.

Also it turns out that I'm like 99% sure I have some crazy fuckin ass STD or something. Like I am a gay dude right and I love bottoming and I have this stupid fetish about not using condoms. Ask me about how I got hiv. Lol. I've been so lucky that I've never had any problems BUT oddly enough for being a bottom, I barely check what it looks like down there. Like I was it and wipe it but I don't ever look at it haha. Anyways... Idk what kind of fucking massacre movie my anus came from but it does not at all look like the cute twin anus I used to adore. In fact it doesn't look like a bumhole at all and when I google it like no specific std's come up so that really has me worried. I really need to go to the doctor tomorrow.

Speaking of doctor... My poor dog has this big infection on his neck and it's grown and I've tried to cover it so he won't itch it and I've put vasaline on it so it can heal and I've cleaned the old blood from it and still it's so bad. You can see it in his eyes that it's getting to him he's got the "dad help I'm in trouble" look in his eyes. I hate that look. That dude is my entire life like I make it a point to continue to pay rent and electric so HE has a place to be. Like I don't want to sound narcissistic here but he's a good boy he DESERVES to have a dad that will love him unconditionally.

That dude ain't done NOTHING wrong to receive all the bullshit me and my addiction has put him through. I wanted to keep him because his previous owners were pieces of shit too like they would take like a family vacation or idk what they were doing and they would take all the dogs they had except him (this is when he was just a puppy, I could hold him in a hand) and they'd be gone for multiple days and him and I would wait around and I'd be like "I'm sure they're gonna come back for you like they didn't even put food out for you little dude"

One night it was raining super hard and this dude is fuckin AFRAID of thunderstorms right and well anything that's loud outside so fireworks too haha. I mean I laugh but the dude visibly shakes and hides in a corner at the first sound of rain. And the neighbors who owned him still didn't come back. By this point I had already went to the store and got him dog food myself because I mean what was I supposed to do? Let him starve? No way! So he was outside alone waiting for his people to come back and it was pouring and so he tried to find a hiding spot in a little storm drain. And when I say little he BARELY fit like he got in ok but that dude was straight up gonna be stuck there if he had to find his own way out like he was blocking the rain from flowing through the storm drain so he was shaking and crying and almost drowning because the water was rising because it couldn't flow through like he would have not just been stuck but he would have drowned, too.

That feels like thousands of years ago. It was only like 5 years or so ago but back then I was going to make sure that his life was better.

But thinking back... Like the amount of times I've been so high that it took me like 3 hours just to take him potty... The amount of times I went to a hookups house instead of playing with him after I felt so upset that I was feeling disconnected from him after I was too harsh with him for asking basic things. Like what did I expect at the time did I want him to use full ass sentences why was I so angry that he was crying because he was out of water. I was so in my lane for so much of his life and I'd like to say that I love him more than they ever could but the only ACTUAL fact I know about the situation is he helped me more than I could ever help him.

And yet here I am $0 to my name (well a lot less than that if you count debt and overdrafts) and he needs a vet or antibiotics or SOMETHING and I can't even get that because I'm busy tweaking my brains at the mirror.

I can't tell if my dog is just depressed or if he's actually two steps away from his deathbed he's only like 5 years old like it can't be too late to change how things are right like we can go to the park more (or at all) and I can be more patient with him. Like what if he fuckin dies from infection or like... Sometimes it occurs to me that he is so fucking depressed what if he dies because he doesn't see the point in living? Like that fucks me up... Mostly because I don't know how to teach him that. I don't even know how to see the point in living myself how the fuck can I be the point in living for him?


Idk... I'm struggling. It's always this negative talk in my head 24/7 and the truth is that negative self talk is light years worse when I'm high vs sober but even when I'm sober it's always just a constant monologue of how I'm not good enough for what I have and I'm definitely not good enough for anything to get better.


I'm mostly typing to type but I even criticize myself so hard that what I've typed like my literal fucking feelings isn't good enough like I'm so frustrated because my thought process is so fogged and jumbled and I literally have no idea what I'm trying to say when I want to say it like it's always just a jumbled mess of anger and sadness.

And like the worst part is when people are like "be more kind to yourself" like I don't know what these people want from me being kind to myself doesn't pay bills I've "let things happen one more time because I deserved it" for years and I fucking hate the repercussions of being that type of selfish. And it's not like I want to die I have never wanted to die but like.... I just don't fuckin get it. Like I can't hold a job I can't say what I want to say I am very slowly killing myself and I have no idea how to stop like picking and using are just so fuckin automatic anymore like it takes literally no thought to raise my hand to my face and unconsciously pick but it's fucking hard...

Its fucking hard to stop but I keep doing it and I'm so scared I'm gonna end up burying myself.
 

slw0363

Bluelighter
Joined
May 9, 2018
Messages
185
Location
Tulsa, Oklahoma
I'm really confused why are the druggies on here so nice like it fucking hurts my feelings bro that we can't be this nice in real life. God bless y'all. Hope y'all are doing ok ❤️ I'm struggling my ass off right now. Schizophrenia and the whole goddamn show. Being real loud right now not even on purpose but it's just adding to my anxiety bc my neighbors are the nicest fucking people.

Anyways y'all have a good night and I'll talk to y'all soon. I'll be dodging these rattle snakes on my kitchen floor in the meantime 😂 (wish I FELT like they weren't real and I couldn't hear them like my conscious mind knows)...
 

slw0363

Bluelighter
Joined
May 9, 2018
Messages
185
Location
Tulsa, Oklahoma
Hi guys. Still doing rough. Spent all last night getting twacked but also spent all last night paranoid someone was gonna come through the door like my body has been acting so oddly to the dope (we'll save our iso coversations for another post) like idk what it means but any time I smoke dope anymore it feels like my lymph nodes swell within minutes of smoking. Anyways because it feels like they're swelling (which I mean it doesn't just FEEL like it, like my actual throat swells up when I smoke idk why) is probably one of the reasons that I pick at my face. I mean it's not conscious most of the time like I'm not sitting there being like "oh I hate myself I'm gonna pick at my face" no in fact I've learned a lot about how to like myself a little bit better in the last year. I mean I can't say that I do actually actively like myself but I don't go off doing stupid things because I wanna die either.

My face is so beaten up right now I won't even answer the door for my neighbors who are super kind people I feel so bad and so judge.

I don't know how or where I learned so much shame about who I am. I also don't know how to get through that shame like what am I so shameful about?

Like I hang out with other friends who get high and they seem absolutely no problem with their use and I'm not saying anybody should be on the level of shame that I am like I wouldn't wish this amount of shame on my worst enemy lol but like there are a few of my friends who actively believe they will continue using until they die like why would anybody want that? Like I get not getting your hopes up in thinking that you're gonna quit and then you use again like I've been there so many times to the point I almost just wanna be like "fuck it imma use till I die too" like those people that tell me that they are fine using till they die seem more... At peace I guess. Like they sure don't have scars all over their faces from picking.

So like is that the key am I suppose to just resign over trying to get clean and just quietly hope that drugs stop showing up?

Umph

Shelby 7/6/21
 
Joined
Jan 21, 2020
Messages
5,665
Location
Four Mile Creek, St. Clair Township, Ohio
It sounds like addiction is costing you a lot. Look into posting in The Dark Side or Health and recovery. You might get more responses and helpful support on those sub forums. I’ll ask to see if a staff member can move your last post here to one of those forums so that you can get the most support from us.

Hang in there!

🧙‍♂️
 

slw0363

Bluelighter
Joined
May 9, 2018
Messages
185
Location
Tulsa, Oklahoma
Thank you ♥️
I'm trying to make it a point to write every day and I'm wondering if I shouldn't actually make a blog instead on here.

I'm trying to look around to see what other people are doing but it seems mixed but also I end up opening like 3,000 other links where I'm like "oh yeah that will be interesting to read later" and then I forget about them.

Like I'm trying to make it a point to write everyday or even multiple times a day. I've kept my feelings in for so long and like never told anybody about them and not only that but I was always "the listener" like I'm pretty sure this is just a shared trauma amongst all of us, but I could sit in a room with anybody and say nothing for like 30 seconds and then they're telling me about their life and every single trauma they went through and after a couple months of that I got super overwhelmed and anyways here we are 8 years later lol.

I'm gonna have a hard time remembering to write I fear. I really don't want to forget it though, I've always been kinda good at writing, it takes up a ton of time, and it's better than 99% of the other things that I wanna do so...

Like I wrote the first half of this like 8 hours ago and then I got distracted or idk what and forgot to come back to this and I'm really upset with myself for not putting more value on this... I think other people need us to write but I need me to write.

Im still struggling still high. But I smoked the last of what I had in my pipe tonight. Like I made sure that fucker was empty too so I do t get any bright ideas here in 2 weeks when I'm like "oh yeah just one hit and I'll be good" NO MOTHERFUCKER ONE HIT AND YOU'LL ALL OF A SUDDEN FIND A WHOLE BUNCH MORE DOPE 😂

I'm so envious of the people who have the ability to tell their selves no. I worked with a dude one time and we would get high in the bathroom and like he'd be in there like 3 minutes and I'm like "bro are you ok to work?!" and he'd be like "yeah I just took like 3 hits" and then I'd go in there to get high and I'd be in there for 3 hours...

And at this point I'm not even looking to teach myself how to say no anymore like I just don't want it to be a question anymore honestly... And when I say question I mean it showing up at your doorstep I mean me having a smartphone where I can get on grindr freely... Those are the things that I should not, as an irresponsible adult, have, but for some reason some fucking where some fucking one gave me free God damn will like who the fuck is will I don't want him, take him back lol.

Ughhhhh.

Next couple days are gonna be hard. And I am sitting here higher than shit all bloodied and scarred from picking at my body for fucking hours and hours for the past few days, no job, no money, no food in the fridge for me or my dog, but I'm in a good mood. I'm in a real good mood.

I have some hope.

Anyways... Gonna get cleaned up.
Gonna add this page to my home screen on my phone so that way it's always looking me in the face each time I open my phone.

Shelby 7/8/21
 

slw0363

Bluelighter
Joined
May 9, 2018
Messages
185
Location
Tulsa, Oklahoma
Hi guys...
Just typing to type.
I miss my mom. A lot. I was listening to music a little earlier (actually I should put headphones back in... And a really good cover of "Zombie" by the cranberries came on and like I was totally into it until

Another mother's breaking
Heart is taking over

And I had to turn to the next song. I don't know why but I've always mourned the loss of my mom even though she's still alive. Like... It's not that she is a bad mom because she's an amazing mother. I wouldn't say she's perfect, but she learned as she went and she tried and she was there and she loved me very much. She still loves me very much.
Anyways... I was always sad because I knew one day I wouldn't have my mom anymore like even being a fuckin preschooler I remember having nightmares of like my mom getting shot or stolen or some shit which idk why I was having those dreams that young because there was not once I was ever exposed to anything like that from her but I remember them so clearly and I remember waking up crying a multitude of times really feeling like my mom died.

Ever since then I thought that when my mom actually died that I would just go off the deep end. Idk where I think/thought I would be but my mom was my rock for so long that I just KNEW I wasn't going to be ok after she was gone.

Well... She's not dead. Hopefully. Thankfully. I hope she doesn't die for a long time but I'm feeling overwhelming sadness for her. Like... I could never imagine what it's like to love an addict. Like... I know it changed me... It changed fucking everything about me... Her? My addiction did so... So much worse to her.

I've not talked to her since sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas of 2019, before covid. This is the longest we haven't talked my whole life. I miss her. I hope she's doing ok.
I know she blames herself for me being gay, she was like "I knew I should have kept a father figure in your life" like that would have changed things hahaha. I know she blames herself for my addiction, too. But it's not her fault. It has nothing to do with her. She did a fuckin GREAT job it was me like I did this to myself, OK? And oftentimes I'm just as mad as she is/was at my addiction right and I think maybe (looking back...) that agreeing with people when they want you to disagree can be a way to make them more upset... But I've never disagreed about my addiction with my mom like I've hated my addiction almost as bad as she did.
I'm also upset right like there could have been a million troubles in this life that she could have gotten me through like it could have been anything like I could have murdered someone and she would have emotionally helped me get through it, but this feels like the one thing that she like had no idea how to help me through. Like I know that because she fucking tried and tried and tried different ways and tried sending me to places only for me to end up coming back home each time. Like I'm mad because how did I end up in the ONE situation my mom didn't know how to help?

When I moved out for the last time I stole some of her perfume to bring with me and even though it's been a year and a half I spray it sometimes. It reminds me of her.

I hope she's doing ok.

Shelby 7/8/21
 
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