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Winning the war on Benzo's!

ANewKindOfArmy

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 13, 2004
Messages
466
I'm not 100% sure this topic belongs within these forums so Admins please let me know if it doesn't i dont want to take up space.

So over the years i've spent plenty of time on these forums. At different times for different reasons. Sometimes Safety, sometimes General knowledge of a substance, and towards the end of my active abuse Support. Now in all that time i cant really think of even 1 time during coming across a person with more than a bit of time or even any completely away from benzo's. So i thought after speaking with my brother tonight maybe i could help someone that currently feels as hopeless as i found myself. Before reading... it is possible and you can do it.

First i guess i should give you some slight background or Credentials even. ill keep it as brief as possible.

My names John, I'm 28 years old and i've been born and raised in Philadelphia, Pa, USA. For as long as i can recall i have always had some kind of mental issue. I tend and many DR's to date seem to blame some things that happened when i was a kid ( that im still not completely comfortable talking about) and the death of my oldest brother who was everything to my brother and I. I've always had serious anxiety and panic attacks and generally felt so bad. From an early age i was Rx'ed plenty of medications and as the years went on i got into Drugs. After all the meds and therapy and crap not working I and my Dr's seemed to say fuck it. I was 14 and rx'ed 5mg Valium and whatever ssri the doctor currently felt would help. At first valium changed EVERYTHING. I couldn't have ever expected anything to work so well. sadly as time went on it slowly stopped being as effective.

Around that time i began heavily experimenting with drugs. Mostly psychedelics and cannabis. I actually was starting to believe psychedelics helped me and i believe for a time they kind of did. They made me think more deeply into things therefore not thinking about others as much. but of course mental illness is a bitch. Then i found opiates. GAME OVER. After the first 10mg dose of oxycodone i felt like i was destined for this. My life changed at first so much for the better as crazy as that sounds. Now to spare paragraphs and your time we'll skip ahead. Skip 5 years and i was a full blown heroin addict. After time in and out of rehabs somehow on my 5th i actually kicked it ( to this day actually surprisingly enough) .

Now after all the rehabs previously failing i decided to go onto Buprenorphine MAT and i really think for me it was good the sub at least. Now as im sure you are thinking Yes through this whole time, i was still rx'ed Valium and Xanax as needed for panic attacks. Then after about 2 years something happened. Im not sure what but i went from taking my Sub and Valium as directed to Awfully abusing the benzo's mixed with the bupe. this went on for YEARS. By the end of it i was taking 16mgs of Alprozolam and whatever valium i was currently being rx'ed i believe it was 10mgs 2 times a day and 12mgs of Buprenorphine daily, I'd wake up take 4 xanax bars and a full 8mg sub then as the day went on take another 4 xanax bars and 4mgs of sub and of course from time to time when possible more xanax and more valium. As anyone who knows about benzo abuse will tell you that isnt a minor dose or a joke in anyway. Dangerous. I honestly do not know how i survived it. Especially with the way i drank throughout that whole time.

I got into a detox and rehab. It was the most brutal experience of my life. I of course went in completely wrecked. My dad actually took me in, they explained the possible outcomes of trying to rapid detox this kind of issue ( death, siezures , brain damage) but both myself and anyone who cared about me still had this feeling of this needs to happen or hes going to die anyway. I truely believed that as well. I was seriously to the point of suicide or as i wished at times i just wouldn't wake up

So after around 20 hours in, i had an all out disturbing seizure and was hospitalized. i continued having them. By time they let me come back to the actual rehab grounds i was mentally destroyed not only from all this unbearable anxiety and straight panic and delusion coming back from it being suppressed for so long but the fact the seizures left me with this constant IM TRIPPING BAD feeling. Fast forward 30 days and i was released from rehab and i remember thinking from the first day of actual detox that i could never make it this long again, so ride it out or kill yourself but youre not going back... As crazy as that may sound it got me through my first year. I was still so anxiety consumed and full of constant panic that the whole NA or AA thing just didn't seem possible for me. So i rode it out with that Mentality you made it this far keep riding it, keep going. It has to get better soon.

Its now coming up on 3 YEARS AWAY FROM THEM. I'm not going to lie to you and tell you everything is the greatest in the world. I'm currently on Wellbutrin 150mgs and that is it. And to be completely honest with you. I feel better now than i have ever felt as long as i can recall. I work a full time job ( 60 hours + a week) i have a girl i love the shit out of and my life feels like it's finally at least in a place where i'm able to dream of possibility and work towards it. Yes i may still have some panic attacks, and i may still be anxious but nothing like it was that first while after coming off Benzo's. I'm writting this in hope that anyone that was in a position like mine at that time of pure hopelessness literally praying anyone could give me anything close to hope may see this and have some hope because for me i really believed it was impossible. Now i dont know what the future holds no one does but i do know that after all this i feel stronger than i ever have. Better than i ever have.

I'm offering help of support. If you have any questions about me or my story or anything about this feel free to PM i'll check back as often as possible. Do not give up hope and KNOW, YOU CAN DO THIS. It isn't impossible some turd from Philly has as of this time done this. Meaning ANYONE CAN.

Hope to have helped anyone.

- John
 
Congratulations! I moved this thread to sober living for you. Yes threads like this one do belong here on bluelight.

Don't beat yourself up about quitting drugs, and getting help.
 
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Congratulations. You've been through hell. You do understand how much you contributed to it though? Don't get down on yourself stay happy but look at how many drug related mistakes youve made? A LOT.

Benzodiazepines are not bad when taken properly.

I am so happy youve learned self control and that with the help of medications and your own spirit happiness starts with You!


CONGRATULATIONS!
 
I'm happy for you, because I'm going through a similar situation with benzos. I have extreme anxiety and panic attacks also. I've been on xanax, valium, kpins, ativan, etc. I've been RX'd them for Goin in 7 years I hate having to depend on them but I'm scared to death of w/d from them and having seizures. How long did it take you to start feeling okay physically after stopping?
 
It was really irresponsible of the rehab to try and give you a rapid taper. I am glad you came out ok it seems but its scary how ignorant the supposed experts are about benzo tapers.
 
Yeah man. It was very very ugly but I made it somehow. As an update I'm still fighting the good fight and as time has went on I do seem to still be getting better. It's insane how long it can take for all this but life is very hopeful for me right now.
I lost the girl I spoke about recently actually and I'm down of course but even so this is normal sadness and anxiety. That's a big thing people without these kind of issues need to understand.. That anxiety in certain situations is completely normal. Its a problem when it's all the time and for no reason.

Anyway just checking up on the post I hope everyone is thriving and if I can be of any help let me know
 
OP, I can relate quite a bit to your story, mine is pretty similar. I recently had a psychotic episode due to abrupt opiate and benzo withdraw. I got put in jail and was given next to nothing, just treated as a mental patient and put on anti-psychs. I've had a seizure before and know the feeling of being all twisted up mentally, like that feeling of a bad trip you mention. I'm only a little over 3 months in, but like you mentioned as well, I had never thought I would be able to make it this far before.

Compared to the highs and lows I had felt while using and WDing, I feel like I am in control of my emotions now, even if they are not all positive. I don't get that extreme anxiety that makes me want to crawl out of my skin, although I may get anxious.

Stay strong my dude.
 
Geez I am on 1.5mg of klonopin and I'm terrified about getting off it. That's a great story and I'm glad you shared it.
 
Yeah it's crazy man. I know more than a few people that went into benzo wd from hill or prison. Yeah it's awful how long it can take but it does slowly get better. It's a long road but worth it. Oddly enough every once in a while I get a couple hours or so where I don't feel uneasy at all and that is incredible.
 
If you're on 1.5 mg of Klonopin and it's needed and you're not abusing it why stop taking it? Medicines can be miracles for people. Just sadly in my and a bunch of people's cases when it comes to narcotics a switch seems to engage and it's abuse rather than medicinal.
 
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Appreciate the bump of your story. I was a chronic Benzo addict for 14 years. I haven't had any since Oct 17, 2017 when I forced to w/d in jail. Love hearing success stories like this. When your in the midst of Benzo addiction you begin to believe you have no choice other than to live your life on them. That is just not the reality.
 
Appreciate the bump of your story. I was a chronic Benzo addict for 14 years. I haven't had any since Oct 17, 2017 when I forced to w/d in jail. Love hearing success stories like this. When your in the midst of Benzo addiction you begin to believe you have no choice other than to live your life on them. That is just not the reality.
Definitely man, I wish we saw more success stories. This fight is a fight 1 million percent winnable and 1million percent worth doing.
A benzo detox in jail must have been a living nightmare.. It was a nightmare for me and it was in a facility. You got my respect that shit would take immeasurable levels of both balls and fight. Another fuck yeah for the fact you continued to stay away. Thanks for the reply this made my night
 
I enjoyed reading this thread mate. I went through the benzo detox myself many years ago and it was horrible agony but something that I simply needed to do. It's so hard to believe it will ever end when you're in the midst of it but time is really the only verified cure for benzo withdrawal.

I did the foolish thing of binging on benzos on and off maybe 5 years after I initially stopped and while I never got fucked up md hooked again, towards the end of this every single dose would lead to withdrawal symptoms that could include seizures (I do have epilepsy though). But the main thing that made me stop was the now undesirable depressing effects if benzos- they make me feel lifeless and shit (though anxiety free of course ?) and so I will only ever take one to prevent or stop a seizure.

Benzos are a very risky class of drugs ime. Good on you for getting rid of that shit... you may have mentioned this, but from the day of your last dose, how long did it take you to recover?
 
I enjoyed reading this thread mate. I went through the benzo detox myself many years ago and it was horrible agony but something that I simply needed to do. It's so hard to believe it will ever end when you're in the midst of it but time is really the only verified cure for benzo withdrawal.

I did the foolish thing of binging on benzos on and off maybe 5 years after I initially stopped and while I never got fucked up md hooked again, towards the end of this every single dose would lead to withdrawal symptoms that could include seizures (I do have epilepsy though). But the main thing that made me stop was the now undesirable depressing effects if benzos- they make me feel lifeless and shit (though anxiety free of course ?) and so I will only ever take one to prevent or stop a seizure.

Benzos are a very risky class of drugs ime. Good on you for getting rid of that shit... you may have mentioned this, but from the day of your last dose, how long did it take you to recover?

Hey, Yah benzos are a slippery slope for a ton of people myself included. I have to agree with your statement that the only thing that really helps is time. It's definitely true that benzos have a really drawn out recovery process. In my situation it seems like around 2.5years-3years to for the most part totally recover. I'm not saying it was totally unbearable the whole time that first 6months was the worst. Then very slowly it began to get a little better and a little better.

I had this really strange feeling throughout the whole thing the only way I can really explain it is " trippy" where I just didn't feel like the same person I was before it all which to this day i still don't think I am. I remember feeling like my brain erased me and this is me now. Its funny after the actual in patient rehab when I got home even my house felt foreign like it wasn't my house or something even though I've lived in this same house pretty much my whole life. Good luck and keep fighting the good fight it really does get better just takes time. If I can answer any other questions or anything let me know I'll respond as soon as I see it.
 
they explained the possible outcomes of trying to rapid detox this kind of issue ( death, siezures , brain damage) but both myself and anyone who cared about me still had this feeling of this needs to happen or hes going to die anyway. I truely believed that as well. I was seriously to the point of suicide or as i wished at times i just wouldn't wake up

So after around 20 hours in, i had an all out disturbing seizure and was hospitalized. i continued having them.

Not jumping to conclusion's the detox and hospital could be in the same building.Or on the same ground.
If not very risky to have people withdraw from benzodiazepinen cold turkey.

Sound worse then the way GHB addicts were treated over here. The got benzo's but these don't fully substitute with all kinda problems as the result.
 
Luckily no the hospital was not related to the rehab/detox at all. They sent an ambulance and they brought me to the hospital. So when I was taken to the hospital whatever they did, did help things I felt better while there for a short period of time. They also asked a ton of questions about the facility apparently concerned but honestly I was so out of it at this point i don't remember many of the questions. Funny since one of the big reasons i wanted to do the detox in a rehab was for safety reasons and I ended up seizing out anyway but the past is the past right haha?

Also it wasn't a fully cold turkey withdrawl from them. I was given low doses of Serax ( librium) that I didn't ever notice making things feel any better like with say opiate withdrawals you'd get a bupe dose and feel better or a methadone dose and feel a little better. Honestly that place was the worst with things out of any of the facilities I was in during my drug career but at the end of the day I guess it did work..here I am years later still benzo free.
 
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I’m a year and three months off of benzos. In October I did three days of flubromazolam and trashed it.


It does only get better.
 
When I went to detox it was six days of phenobarbitals. As I got into the car after I left I kept hearing sirens and was in another world. By day 15 I thought the red carpet in my room was the Lake of Fire and as I was sitting on the edge of my bed I thought at any moment God was going to thrust me in there.


I had two grand mal seizures. The docs said at detox that it takes about a week to get off benzos. They’re in it for the money.


When I was at the ER I had another seizure. I was shot up with Ativan and in there a week. Then I was moved to a Psych ward that was encouraging me to come back off the klonopin. I did and was off of it Cild turkey for three months until I fired the doc got back on it and wean for like ten months.


I don’t have any withdrawals today.
 
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