Where to from here

[Crackkitty]

I've hit the pipe once again after yet another attempt at sobriety. I'm feeling ashamed, pathetic, separated from the real world, angry, very very alone....

In the two months i was clean i found a tiny little ray of hope and want for a better life and went from being homeless on the streets of Melbourne, one bag of clothes and one sleeping bag, to being clean and sober, getting a tafe cert, obtaining a job, signing a lease on my own place, becoming much more attractive by putting on a little weight and my skin cleared up and finally went to the doctor and dealt with my health issues.
I actually allowed myself to , ever so cautiously, dream about the possibilities of my future, maybe i would be lucky enough to have another shot at what my heart cries for.....

So why, you ask, am i throwing it all away AGAIN by blazing up?

Life likes to play sick fucking games with my heart. She encourages me, gently nudges me when i stall, gives me motivation to keep going, only to ...............have a fucking tear inducing belly laugh when she rips away the goal JUST as i'm about to reach it.

This time round she decided i deserve a nice dose of fucking breast cancer to remind me that she is very much in control and i am a tiny little scrap of NOTHING and should never think i have the right to be anything more than what she decides i will be.

The cancer isn't so much the issue, dying is one of the things we ALL must do, but the thing that has gutted me is that the things i was aiming for, the whole reason i found the courage to pick myself up and try again, that has now gone up in beautiful white clouds because it is over. No future. No reason to exist. No nourashment for my heart.

I am struggling massivly with the loss of my child to my ex over 18 months ago. He always promised me if i left him then it would be without my child, and he made good on that a year after we broke up and never returned him after a chrissy visit. I completely collapsed in everyway a person can.
Late feb, about 15 months after living a life i never thought i would, and many attempts to pick myself back up, i found a way. I was still gutted over my child but i had punished myself enough to finally be able to try get my shit together. I even stupidly thought that perhaps someone will love me again and want to have a little family with me, like i always wanted.

Cancer just pisses all over that. Less than 2 years to live if i leave it OR prolong my life but give up on what my heart desires. Treatement will make me infertile, my boob will be cut off, so i will become undesirable to the opposite sex and no one will want to love me. I will exist only to torment myself over and over , over the life i had when i was a mother, and i know it will slowly destroy me once again.

So where to from here........?

 

[mokele]

I must ask you if you were still coming down from your last rock or do you generally feel that way? Dont beat yourself up about this little relapse!
Maybe try CBD Oil and Vit. B17 against the Cancer. Thats the Standard in Israel against cancer.
People who really love you do it for the person you are on the inside,not out.
If you want a open ear,you got one!
Best wishes and much luck!

 

[mokele]

PS
It sounds like your from the UK.
Have you ever heard of Rick Simpson Oil?
He is in UK and charges nothing.
Maybe youd want to check out the YT VID
about him and that chap who had brain tumor,sorry for not having the Link.
Best Wishes and will pray for you.

 

[Jabberwocky]

i am really sorry about your diagnosis. you don't have to lose your hard work because of this, you can still have a decent life for the rest of the time you have left.

my dad got breast cancer last year and now he's cured and his life expectancy isn't affected. it CAN be OK. obviously, i am not a medical doctor, i don't know if you have metastasis which would complicate it, etc. also, you can get great surgery after a mastectomy to get your boob back. being slightly undesirable is better than being dead. also, if you manage to progress in recovery, you will realise that there is plenty desirable about you, and won't feel so hung up about it.

please please do not do what the poster said about and try quack cures. there is a huge industry exploiting cancer sufferers claiming they have a cure backed up by zero research (look up people like Amanda Mary Jewell, amateur surgeon is not a combination of words that should exist). iirc 'vitamin' B17 is actively dangerous. anyone who is not a trained medical doctor can at best put you through unneeded pain and take a lot of money off you before you realise their shit isn't working (because there was never any mechanism by which it could even work!!), at worst you'll die when you could have survived, often with no appropriate pain management because quacks can't prescribe real medicine.

 

[awesome31311]

I agree with chinup, don't be going around listening to people espousing experimental treatments that play with your life, more than the cancer already does