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When will I feel normal

Thinking of you my dear friend.


How are things going? Did your kids return to the states? I really hope you all had a wonderful time during the holidays Yuba. You deserve happiness in your life.

I will always be proud of you, you're the greatest and you mean a lot to me!!


Much love,
your friend,
Ash.
 
How are you ash what you up to.Kids go back Friday school starts on 14th they just come back from Holland I could not go bad flu.I have had a great time with family and now getting ready to leave UK.Going to miss England but have to do this move for wife and kids.Keep well ash have lot of live for you mate
 
Love to you back and I hope you feel better my friend.

Hugs,
your friend,
Ash.

yubacity said:
How are you ash what you up to.Kids go back Friday school starts on 14th they just come back from Holland I could not go bad flu.I have had a great time with family and now getting ready to leave UK.Going to miss England but have to do this move for wife and kids.Keep well ash have lot of live for you mate
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EPL1 said:
Love to you back and I hope you feel better my friend.

Hugs,
your friend,
Ash.
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Thanks ash Netflix and weed have helped. Its a weird bug going around its got the being sick and the feeling of coldness you get in wd. At, first I had to think I not done any gear not had a pregabs how the fuck am i in wd. Its only until a mate who been in wd before said he felt the same I thought its a bug.I now see how bad my grammar has got have installed Grammarly and I keep getting red lines under my typing doing my head in
 
My kids went today ash fucking kills me inside knowing I'm being apart from them because I'm a junkie.No more fucking about here in the UK making stupid excuses to stay that little bit longer be back in yuba city by the end of Feb.how are things going with you ash
 
Felt like getting fucked today the drive back from Heathrow airport is about an hour and a half my dealer mate has closed most doors to dealers for me got a couple I could go to but I ain't in to meeting people in parks or waiting in the car for someone to turn up and make a really obvious deal. Have ridden my luck all these years of using by never getting a tug from the police don't want to break my luck now. Feel so angry inside want a fight let the anger out there is a guy who lets his dog shit on the sidewalk and not pick it up cussed him out today was hoping he would bite so could find an excuse to fight. But that would get the police involved and delay departure.
 
Lost my whole youth to drugs have suddenly woken from the drug haze an old man who does not know how to deal with hurt boredom normal everyday life without wanting to get smashed.
 
First off you're no old man Yuba. You have come so far!! I just left you a message on I Am Gollums thread too, go read it.

I do agree that once you move back and have your family around you will find this much better and easier.

Hang in there honey.

How are you doing today?

Hugs,
your friend,
Ash.



yubacity said:
Lost my whole youth to drugs have suddenly woken from the drug haze an old man who does not know how to deal with hurt boredom normal everyday life without wanting to get smashed.
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EPL1 said:
First off you're no old man Yuba. You have come so far!! I just left you a message on I Am Gollums thread too, go read it.

I do agree that once you move back and have your family around you will find this much better and easier.

Hang in there honey.

How are you doing today?

Hugs,
your friend,
Ash.
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Hows it going ash what you been up to this weekend. I have started adding to others threads more now. Just did not have the experience before or confidence to post in others threads. But nearly a year after the first detox I have experienced and felt the other side of addiction so can add from personal experience. Was going to post last night but was having bad cravings so just took half a clonazepam about 1 mg it put me to sleep that's how low my tolerance to benzos is. Woke up miserable started listening to master of puppets by metalica it took me back to around a year ago that song was one of the final pieces of the jigsaw that convinced me to quit. Sounds silly but it was the lyrics they described how it felt for me on the gear. Before that song this morning I had been thinking My in-laws here why let my misery bring a downer to a great trip just use some pods while they here and see it through it's not like you be using herion again. Once again all it took was a song to give me a lift. A year down the line im not physically addicted to any substance mentally weaker but that will take time.A year ago that sinking feeling that you going to have to feel the most fucked you ever have at any time in your life.I have now noticed i have spent to long writing this because morning joint has fucked me so this site will say dont have permission to post and i will have to log on again and then will lose this
 
Sorry about last posts ending this site if I take too long writing a reply, on a laptop, I end up losing what I wrote so was fucking about at end thinking won't let me post anyway. Basically was just saying how songs have snapped me out of bad thoughts and I'm so much better of so I should stop feeling miserable and just enjoy where I am. Relapses restricted to normally just one day and longer clean time signs of the grip of gear loosening. Enjoy your Sunday mate.
 
Should have a one year party to celebrate the first detox but when you can't drink and can't use drugs no point in it. Will take the wife for short break in southern Spain warm weather can also enjoy the last trip before states. I also know the first bit of no point of a party is not how I should be thinking but to me now parties are just people gathered together talking shit. Getting smashed is what made parties fun.
 
@Yubacity: Wow, first time I went all (most) of the way through your journey here. You should be incredibly proud of yourself making it a year. I would definitely throw a party or take a trip. I agree that you and I have similar stories--I always considered myself a "high functioning" addict in that I could still hold things together and fool people--obviously nothing to be proud of. I look at the things I've accomplished being trashed most of the time and it makes me wonder if I would have done more or less without the drugs. Did they help or hurt? In my business, I wonder if some of the risky decisions I made had more to do with the fact I was not thinking clearly and I just got lucky that they worked out? Would I have even taken the risk otherwise? Guess it really doesn't matter since the past is the past and I can't change it anyway. Just need to keep moving forward.

Also, a trick I figured out on Bluelight: Before posting anything--especially if I've been typing a long time--is to "copy" the text. Then hit refresh, login again, and then "paste" the text. Then when you post it usually takes it.

Hang in there my friend. You are doing great.
 
Yes a 1 year party for sure!!!

Have fun with your sweetie in Spain Yuba, that sounds really nice. I'm glad you're moving though, I think this will be a whole new start for you, really I do.

Keep hanging in there, you really are doing great!!

Love you and your whole fam,
your friend,
Ash.​


yubacity said:
Should have a one year party to celebrate the first detox but when you can't drink and can't use drugs no point in it. Will take the wife for short break in southern Spain warm weather can also enjoy the last trip before states. I also know the first bit of no point of a party is not how I should be thinking but to me now parties are just people gathered together talking shit. Getting smashed is what made parties fun.
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iamgollum said:
@Yubacity: Wow, first time I went all (most) of the way through your journey here. You should be incredibly proud of yourself making it a year. I would definitely throw a party or take a trip. I agree that you and I have similar stories--I always considered myself a "high functioning" addict in that I could still hold things together and fool people--obviously nothing to be proud of. I look at the things I've accomplished being trashed most of the time and it makes me wonder if I would have done more or less without the drugs. Did they help or hurt? In my business, I wonder if some of the risky decisions I made had more to do with the fact I was not thinking clearly and I just got lucky that they worked out? Would I have even taken the risk otherwise? Guess it really doesn't matter since the past is the past and I can't change it anyway. Just need to keep moving forward.

Also, a trick I figured out on Bluelight: Before posting anything--especially if I've been typing a long time--is to "copy" the text. Then hit refresh, login again, and then "paste" the text. Then when you post it usually takes it.

Hang in there my friend. You are doing great.
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How you doing mate I'll cheak your thread after this hope you doing good on taper. You have hit the nail on the head.I am always wondering is my work ethic all down to drugs first crank defiantly made me do longer hours on the truck.And here I would smoke heroin eat some raw opium and go work no bother.my business with cousin that I agreed to invest at the start while on a coke session and once I came down I could not go back on my word.Like you said the past is the past we can't change it.You know heroin was the golden ticket for me a drug that took all the bad feelings from a cocaine come down away little did I know that I was jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire.Now I'm stuck hating the drug but can't stop thinking about it.Have a good day I cheak your thread see how you doing
 
EPL1 said:
Yes a 1 year party for sure!!!

Have fun with your sweetie in Spain Yuba, that sounds really nice. I'm glad you're moving though, I think this will be a whole new start for you, really I do.

Keep hanging in there, you really are doing great!!

Love you and your whole fam,
your friend,
Ash.​
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How you doing ashley been a few days since I posted was busy with in laws up London.Yea a pain be good some sunny weather.The one thing I'm going to love about moving back to states is the guarenteed hot summer's picking a peach from a tree and eating it and being able to grow my own green chilis for my curry.Looking forward to it love England but my future there surrounded by our families good or bad only one bad my old man not talking to him think I won't ever again he a cunt and will always be one fucking prick.Be well my friend
 
Hi my dear friend.

I just want you to know how very proud I am of you, not only are you maintaining your own awesome quit, but I see you helping others around here. You're the best!!!

I look forward to hearing about your great new place when you move back. You are a great man, your family is very lucky to have you!!

Please remember to be kind and patient with yourself.

Say hello to your lovely wife for me please.


Your friend always,
Ash.



yubacity said:
How you doing ashley been a few days since I posted was busy with in laws up London.Yea a pain be good some sunny weather.The one thing I'm going to love about moving back to states is the guarenteed hot summer's picking a peach from a tree and eating it and being able to grow my own green chilis for my curry.Looking forward to it love England but my future there surrounded by our families good or bad only one bad my old man not talking to him think I won't ever again he a cunt and will always be one fucking prick.Be well my friend
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EPL1 said:
Hi my dear friend.

I just want you to know how very proud I am of you, not only are you maintaining your own awesome quit, but I see you helping others around here. You're the best!!!

I look forward to hearing about your great new place when you move back. You are a great man, your family is very lucky to have you!!

Please remember to be kind and patient with yourself.

Say hello to your lovely wife for me please.


Your friend always,
Ash.
Click to expand...
How you doing Ashley what you been up to sorry not replied in ages got a sick wife who is having to be cared for by me her parents back in states. My mom, when she used to be ill, would still do everything. My wife in comparison fuck me I am like her servant I even combed her hair in the morning. I do love looking after her really me and her are getting old ash we gone from teenagers to this. Just thinking the other day I have never had the heartbreak of losing a girlfriend she my first proper love been with other girls but she been only girl I loved.Hope i go before her cant imagine life without her.Im so stoned really liking smoking weed again once i stopped thinking how much better herion was then the joint im smoking seems to changed my thinking.
 
Hi Yuba!

I hope your wife is feeling a bit better now?


So happy you are doing so well, I'm really proud of you, I am hanging in there, I hate Mondays, lol.

You looking forward to the Super Bowl??? I hope Brady gets his ass handed to him but it never works out that way, lol. ; )


Here for you anytime,
your friend,
Ash.


yubacity said:
How you doing Ashley what you been up to sorry not replied in ages got a sick wife who is having to be cared for by me her parents back in states. My mom, when she used to be ill, would still do everything. My wife in comparison fuck me I am like her servant I even combed her hair in the morning. I do love looking after her really me and her are getting old ash we gone from teenagers to this. Just thinking the other day I have never had the heartbreak of losing a girlfriend she my first proper love been with other girls but she been only girl I loved.Hope i go before her cant imagine life without her.Im so stoned really liking smoking weed again once i stopped thinking how much better herion was then the joint im smoking seems to changed my thinking.
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