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When a family member is really ill but you dont care

Zopiclone bandit

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I've been around my stepdad since I was 5 years old & I've spoke to a few BL members & people that post a lot of this section via PM about him & the stuff I've had to go through before & it isn't good.
I've said before that I have savage dyspraxia which has an impact upon my daily life, the things most people take for granted & don't even think about I'm not able to do, for example here I was 11/12 before I learned how to do up my shoelace, I had to use a rolling machine to make my spliffs for close to a decade as I wasn't able to get my hands to roll it etc etc. Dyspraxia is a physical version of dyslexia if you follow me on that one, I can see what I have to do in my head BUT to get it from my head to my hands something goes wrong & I fail.

Anyway for years he used to take the piss out of me & as I was young that really got to me & if I'm honest has still impacted upon my self-confidence, I feel as if I'm fucking retarded to be blunt (I will add the only thing that seemed to cure it was taking MXE for some reason, it seemed to set my brain "free" and while under the effects of it I could function like a normal person hence why I used it a lot at work etc) Anyway as one example of the shit I had to deal with is this folks. Each Wednesday my mom would work late & we would always have Spaghetti, now getting my fork into the pasta, wrap it around the fork like a "normal person" was truly a battle for me & nearly impossible though I really tried, one time he just went totally mad & began to scream at me across the table "You want to eat your food like a fucking pig you can eat it like a fucking animal" & grabbed me by the hair & shoved my face into the whole plate & held it there. This is just one example of stuff he did when nobody was around & one of the most "light" events I went through.

Let me say still at this age I fucking hate him (any wonder huh?)

His been ill over the last few months & my mom was worried, it turns out his got blood cancer / leukemia & it isn't looking good for him shall we say. My mom is gutted but when I heard I felt nothing at all, not one bit of sorrow or pity, if I am honest I actually smiled a bit knowing his going to have to pay back all that bad karma he put out in a really horrific way. Zero fucks are given to be blunt as I have always known "God" etc is just & fair, if you abuse people something really bad is coming your way.

The whole family are really sad but I'm sitting here not giving a single toss, is this wrong of me?
I swear when he dies not a single tear will come down my face but I'm worried how the rest of the family will see me, say at his funeral when everyone is crying etc I'm going to be "poker faced" & cold as stone, am I wrong to feel this way?
Anyone else ever been "abused" by a family member & they have got ill & you didn't give a toss & maybe laughed at their misfortune?

I'm 50/50 if I should feel guilty or be ready to hold a party when the evil cunt dies.
 
Joined
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Well I most say your feelings are valid and you should not feel bad because you don't feel bad about the bastard.

I thankfully don't have any family member that abused me like that "person" abused you. But I need to validate your feelings.

He was an awful person to you and to be true to yourself is normal that you don't feel shit for him. He is a total d*ck, been mad because of a physical condition, not even human.

Maybe family members will not make a deal about your poker face because many people went someone dies can act like that.
 

Xorkoth

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Man, it's no wonder you feel nothing. The man tortured you and drastically impacted your life in a negative way. Fuck that guy, I say.

Does anyone else know how he treated you? I would think if they knew, they would understand. Either way you have to worry about yourself in this situation. Although I do understand being concerned about what others think, I have generally done a lot of that in my life.
 

Hylight

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Um, yah. Don't put the fun in funeral, right !

I guess just be there for your mom, maybe, right ??

Do you HAVE to go, is everyone expecting you. Can't you have the 'flu' that day or be sick, lol ?

I'm really sorry, though. Seriously Am.

Prayers ! I would just smile. lol.

Can you DRINK !
get the expensive bottle.

. . . can you say sorry . . in advance lol.

ohhhhh @#it.
 

ageingpartyfiend

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Just feel whatever you feel, and that's completely ok - it is what is is - full stop. Any feelings you have are valid, and they are nobodies business but yours. No guilt mate - fuck that.

As an aside though I totally disagree with you about the karma thing, and that "god" (universe, life, whatever) is "fair" ass it most definitely is not. Plenty of grim fuckers who have abused/killed/tortured have gone on to lead awesome lives, and plenty of amazing loving people have had all manner of terrible things happen to them. Karma doesn't exist, and life is not in any way fair, unfortunately
 

Zopiclone bandit

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Does anyone else know how he treated you?
My mom knows but she turned a blind eye for decades, at my brothers wedding a few years back I got drunk & walked back to the hotel with my step-uncle & he spoke about it for once as he was drunk too. He told me everyone in the family knew the way my stepdad went on & NOT to think they were all blind. Still nobody ever dares to say anything at family events when his kicking off at me etc.
 

Zopiclone bandit

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Can you DRINK !
get the expensive bottle.
lol
The local shop aint got enough Ketucky Bourbon in stock for that day mate believe me.

When his good & ill I'll just steal all his oral-morphine & midazolam, that will have him!!!
 

mal3volent

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I have a lot of experience with this, man... I've had a lot of family die and many more to come. I usually try to find an excuse not to go to the funeral. They make me uncomfortable to begin with. Also my natural disposition is to be emotionless, lots of times my mind just goes blank and I stare at the wall.

On a personal level, most of my extended family I'm somewhere between indifferent and intense hate. I can think of a few I will be overcome with joy and relief.

Deaths and funerals have a way of pressuring us into sugarcoating a persons life. Well I'm not into that. If you didn't give a shit about me while you were alive, if you treated me like shit, etc. why should I care? Sorry but I don't.

That said I did cry at my grandpa's funeral. And I have one aunt and uncle who I will cry for as well when the time comes.
 

Zopiclone bandit

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Deaths and funerals have a way of pressuring us into sugarcoating a persons life. Well I'm not into that. If you didn't give a shit about me while you were alive, if you treated me like shit, etc. why should I care? Sorry but I don't.
How very true that is, I'm with you on that one 100%

People like you said though brush over a persons bad points & try to make them out to be some Saint when in truth that person is pure evil.
No tears will come from my eyes I know that much but I know some of the extended family who really don't know the truth will think I'm evil.
 

ageingpartyfiend

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How very true that is, I'm with you on that one 100%

People like you said though brush over a persons bad points & try to make them out to be some Saint when in truth that person is pure evil.
No tears will come from my eyes I know that much but I know some of the extended family who really don't know the truth will think I'm evil.
You can't ever really control what people think of you (us) so it's futile to be concerned about it really. A wise man once said "It's none of your business how other people think of you" and, if you consider that statement carefully it has a a lot of truth in it. It's their business, not ours - so why should we be concerned?

It's quite true concerning the almost saintification of the newly departed, especially at funerals. A lot of that appears to be rooted in guilt and also in that motif of you "shouldn't speak ill of the dead". Also people are looking to not contribute to the misery of others by saying it like it is. Some are overly concerend how other people would perceive them should they be honest (see above)

When I shuffle off this mortal coil I'll be leaving instructions to just give some kind of honest warts-n-all representation of me, that's if the family even choose to have a funeral at all which is something I will leave up top them cos when I'm dead I'm 99.99999999999999999999% sure I won't give the slightest fuck due to the recent onset of total non-existence :) There's no legal (or moral imho) requirement to have a funeral and as we're quite poor I'd like to give them the option to keep their cash for more useful things should they wish to do so.
 

Zopiclone bandit

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When I shuffle off this mortal coil I'll be leaving instructions to just give some kind of honest warts-n-all representation of me
"He was a good man but the time he got to know the girlfriend of Surgeon....Oh Lord above folks he sure wasn't a Saint"

I gotta shoot mate as "The Man" Velvet Underground-esque is on the way right now.
I'll give that post the correct respect etc once I've sorted myself out, I got a monkey the size of King Kong all over my back right now.
 

Painful One

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I’m really sad to hear you had to deal with that kind of abuse ZB.
No need to feel guilty at all about how you feel or don’t feel. Not everybody deserves respect.
Just be there for your mom like Hylight said.

The only reason to find forgiveness for him is honesty for you. It would make you feel better to not carry the weight of this persons very wrong behavior toward you.

I am in favor of “hold a party” !
 

Xorkoth

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I also tend to clam up and go emotionless in some sort of defense mechanism when I experience grief about a loved one. My dad suffered from ALS for 6 years and my stages of grief were so weird and they made me feel bad about myself. When I found out I was just numb, like a wall went down and I couldn't feel any emotions about anything for a while. I had a few cries over time. When it started to get bad I was very troubled by it as he was suffering a lot. But my siblings and mom were reacting way more than me. It made me feel weird, but it's just how it is for me, it's always been that way... when one of my best friends ODd and died, I felt nothing for weeks except a vague anxiety, and guilt at not feeling anything. Eventually I processed it and felt grief, cried, etc. '

When my dad finally died, and I arrived at my mom's house, I couldn't cry. At the wake, I couldn't cry when I spoke with like 500 people offering me condolences. Finally, at the funeral, I did cry, a lot. I was really worried though that everyone would see me looking like a robot and judge me. I honestly think one of my old friends, who spent a lot of time with me at the wake, was thinking it was really weird I wasn't upset. He was bawling, but then again, he's a super emotional guy, he tells me he loves me every time we talk and sometimes it makes it him tear up. He kept telling me it's okay, you can let it go. Made me feel weird because in fact I couldn't. It was really cathartic to cry at the funeral though, I felt like it was needed. Of course, my dad and I had a great relationship, he was the best dad you could ask for. So that's why I felt guilty about not being able to fully feel the whole thing "properly".

But after all of this I realized that everyone has their own way of processing grief and loss. There is no "right" and "wrong" when it comes to this stuff.
 

Soso78

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If he your step dad he not family.
Even if he was it doesn’t mean he automatically is worthy of your emotions,
The most vile people on the planet have relatives. If he was t such a cunt to you things would be different.
 

NeverHaddaChance

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I'm so terribly sorry for the way your began your life... Mine was similar, except at the hands of my schizophrenic bio-dad. My mom always got the worst of it, it was a physical nightmare of beatings and accusations... Hearing about having half-alien brothers and sisters, the devil's plots, the psychics in his head... I was his "favorite" and I dared not talk back. I love your signature quote, as I feel like I've only recently really found my own voice after making others happy at all costs. You are definitely not alone, and I'll do my best to share some of what's gotten me through. It really makes my heart ache to know that your mom and everyone else who knew didn't protect you the way you deserved to be protected. It's hard enough to reassure my mom that she did the best she could for us as an adult with my own daughter...

If you haven't already, and have access to therapy I really do recommend it. I've been through cognitive behavioral, dialect (sp? :rolleyes:) behavioral, and EMDR (reprocessing with alternating sensory stimulation, for me holding two vibrating thingies on the tops of my legs). I can't stress enough the relief and validation you can find from a therapist, and the coping skills and reprocessing has dramatically improved my ability to lead a normal life. It's still not normal, per say... But I'm no longer drowning in the guilt and shame of a burden that I had no choice in. It's taken 27 years for me to learn to advocate for myself and be okay with even saying no to simple requests. As little ones, we didn't have the capacity to change our circumstances, only to survive them. If your as much like me as I think, you are probably incredibly creative. We had to be to navigate the rigged game of our caregivers. As adults, we carry the child we were and build up defenses to passify them. I have always sought to alter my consiousness in some fashion because reality has been too painful to live within - which even after the first stint in therapy and feeling like I had my feet ended up using meth to meet the needs of everyone but myself. At the expense of my health, reputation, and relationship. Creative and self-destructive are not good combinations.

I have often thought of what will happen when my dad dies. I know I'll be expected at the funeral... Probably cry the hottest tears of my life. Will I be sad? Probably not, and you shouldn't feel bad about not being sad for someone who didn't love you. What he did to you was cruel and self-serving, undeserving of your "obligatory" loyalty. If I were in your shoes, I would probably go to the bare minimum for appearances and be either obviouslly drunk so I didn't have to talk to anyone or weeping from a place of peace knowing I'll never be triggered by the sound or sight of him. What's most important here is that you do what is best for YOU. YOU deserve to be cared for and YOU have to live your life while everyone else gets to go back to theirs. Do not feel like you have to go, you owe nothing to those who didn't consider how much they actually did owe you.

I'm sorry if this is hard to read... I'm just waking up and a bit scattered. If you ever need to talk, please message me. Life is hard enough without making it harder on ourselves, so please take care!
 

Wilson Wilson

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Honestly if someone treated me like utter shit my whole life I'd celebrate their exit from it too. The more painful the better.

Someone I really hope dies soon my girlfriend's dad who is a downright abusive piece of shit. Luckily he is also a heavy drinker who abuses his Oramorph prescription so it should be only a matter of time... 🤞

There's just certain people who, if there was a real life Purge, you'd clock a bullet in their heads you know?
 

w01fg4ng

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Let me say still at this age I fucking hate him (any wonder huh?)
The abuse can continue past the initial incidents and without him alive. It's best to let it go, this hatred you have. It's been what, over 30 years now since the first incident?

CBT helped me with similar issues.

Let it go.
 

Zopiclone bandit

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Fuck Zop im so sorry he put you threw that shit!!
Thanks mate, I didn't make this post for a "Woe is me" thing, I've lived a hard life & if anything it has made me a bit tough compared to most folks BUT it has also given me at attitude where I cannot stand folks that bully others, it is the one thing I cannot stand in people.

Dyspraxia is a horrible thing for people to live with, you cannot help it & yet everyone treats like you are retarded. I wish daily "God" didn't inflict it upon me, I wish it away all the time & it impacts upon me daily. Things everyone else takes for granted I simply cannot do sadly.

Anyone else on BL have this condition?
 
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