I don't know if this counts. But out of respect for her, I want to pay my respects to a talented clandestine chemist, sovia her name was, from albania. Whilst a lot of the time, a lot of people on the clan.chem forum where sov came to rest her bee-wings, share info and shoot the shit with her fellow bees had some trouble understanding her english, for some reason I seemed to manage, 95% of the time and we'd gotten quite a connection with each other.
After being severely ill for quite some time after an accident, I found out today that sovia is dead. Killed herself on saturday.
She wasn't just a competent and talented clandestine chemist, particularly in the areas of psychedelic amphetamine and phenethylamine chemistry but
she was a talented artist was well. She took the time and effort a few days before we last spoke, to do me a sketch of the two of us in charcoal. Really great grasp of depth and perspective, and she did it especially for me. We'd gotten a connection over the time we'd known each other and I was close to telling her how I really felt about her. Now, I can't help but eat myself up inside wondering if it would have made a difference, if I'd just told her then and there (I had no idea she was planning to kill herself. Seemed a little bit down over the past few days but thats it.), I'd been picking my moment, trying to find the right time and way to tell her how I felt, if she'd only known that she was loved. Because she seemed to have a thing for me as well.
Truth told, since I found out this morning, why my last PMs to her had gone without answer, I've been able to think of nothing else. Her death, especially by her own hand, has left me heartbroken and fucking miserable. Not even the receiving of eagerly awaited shipments of some rather hard to obtain and precious chemicals and some more lab equipment, which would normally be a joyful occasion indeed, today I find out she's dead. Feel like utter, fucking, total, shit made flesh. And what would otherwise bee an occasion to celebrate, be a mirthless thing, hollow, empty and without joy. Went back to sleep, after picking up a script refill, and taking a couple of chlormethiazole and some tizanidine, only to wake up later again to find out more, that sovia's death was not caused by her serious ill health but that she took her own life.
Not even a shot of morphine&oxy, with a few lines of oxy on top has done the slightest to dull this miserable piece of theresa may of a day. She's all I can fucking think about. Everything feels hollowed out, an empty shell of what it should be.
I miss you Sov, and had grown to love you. Hope we meet on the other side whenever my own time comes. You really were a good lass, may you find peace and rest hun.
