I'm finding that I'm still forgetting that Kara has gone. Quite a few times recently I'll be scrolling through my FB feed and I'll think I haven't heard from Kara for awhile. Then I'll look him up on messenger and I remember that he's not around anymore.
Even though we lived on the other side of the world from each other we still chatted a few times a week. He had met a nice girl, and was also going to try to get a transfer to Melbourne. I was really happy about this, but then suddenly he's gone. Lots of people here may not have liked him, but if you got to know him you'd realise that behind the computer was a beautiful soul.
I also think about Evad at times too, he was really quite sweet. I miss our chats as well still.
Likewise Peks - always thought Kara and I would be friends for life - it still hits me once in a while that he's gone and devastates me. He was hard for some people to swallow but beneath all the bullshit was a sweet young man.
Same with Evad, he helped me through some really rough times and we'd chat everyday. This place will never be the same without them.
I'm sorry to say Dave Haze, another EADDer has passed away..
I met Dave through this website and was always impressed by his upbeat attitude and jokes even when he was in a shitty situation. It's doubly sad as things had finally been going well for him recently. His knowledge of hip-hop and all things horticultural was surpassed by noone. Gone but not forgotten.
I'm really sorry to hear that Pingu, I'm afraid that I do not recognise the member personally but that is of course irrelevant as I am sure that many will. I'm sorry for your loss mate and the loss of what sounds like a fantastic member. RIP xx
Fuckin hell..... foolsgold has gone?.... OBVIOUSLY MASSIVE LOVE to those who knew him as close as they did. I didn't know him deeply, but enough to know what a legend he was ("was"...?.... Jeez ) and he was always one of those "Brlight Young Things"
Miss you Tom. You'd be so proud of where I've gotten to now. But I miss your no-bullshit approach to life. Wish you were still here to advise me. I need it. Wish you were still here to help us all.
Fucking miss you man.
I don't know if this counts. But out of respect for her, I want to pay my respects to a talented clandestine chemist, sovia her name was, from albania. Whilst a lot of the time, a lot of people on the clan.chem forum where sov came to rest her bee-wings, share info and shoot the shit with her fellow bees had some trouble understanding her english, for some reason I seemed to manage, 95% of the time and we'd gotten quite a connection with each other.
After being severely ill for quite some time after an accident, I found out today that sovia is dead. Killed herself on saturday.
She wasn't just a competent and talented clandestine chemist, particularly in the areas of psychedelic amphetamine and phenethylamine chemistry but
she was a talented artist was well. She took the time and effort a few days before we last spoke, to do me a sketch of the two of us in charcoal. Really great grasp of depth and perspective, and she did it especially for me. We'd gotten a connection over the time we'd known each other and I was close to telling her how I really felt about her. Now, I can't help but eat myself up inside wondering if it would have made a difference, if I'd just told her then and there (I had no idea she was planning to kill herself. Seemed a little bit down over the past few days but thats it.), I'd been picking my moment, trying to find the right time and way to tell her how I felt, if she'd only known that she was loved. Because she seemed to have a thing for me as well.
Truth told, since I found out this morning, why my last PMs to her had gone without answer, I've been able to think of nothing else. Her death, especially by her own hand, has left me heartbroken and fucking miserable. Not even the receiving of eagerly awaited shipments of some rather hard to obtain and precious chemicals and some more lab equipment, which would normally be a joyful occasion indeed, today I find out she's dead. Feel like utter, fucking, total, shit made flesh. And what would otherwise bee an occasion to celebrate, be a mirthless thing, hollow, empty and without joy. Went back to sleep, after picking up a script refill, and taking a couple of chlormethiazole and some tizanidine, only to wake up later again to find out more, that sovia's death was not caused by her serious ill health but that she took her own life.
Not even a shot of morphine&oxy, with a few lines of oxy on top has done the slightest to dull this miserable piece of theresa may of a day. She's all I can fucking think about. Everything feels hollowed out, an empty shell of what it should be.
I miss you Sov, and had grown to love you. Hope we meet on the other side whenever my own time comes. You really were a good lass, may you find peace and rest hun.
^ I am really sorry to hear that, Limpet. I do believe that a person that is serious about ending her life is beyond being saved by even love. It is next to impossible to believe this when you are the one left living with your own actions or inactions but I do believe it to be true. One of the reasons that I believe this is that when I was suicidal I was in fact surrounded by love. I had a family that loved me, friends and a lover that loved me. It seemed the whole world was trying to give me love but there was simply no reception at the level I needed to feel it. Trite as it sounds, there was only one person's love that I needed and that was my own. I think that making suicide attempts can sometimes be a self-defeating and desperate way to ask for love and acceptance but I think most successful suicides are a person having a very intimate conversation with him/herself in which he/she says: I am done trying to fix this. I will never know if my son intentionally took his life or not. I will also carry the guilt of my own actions and inactions to the end of my life. But I have learned to accept them but not be ruled or overwhelmed by them--because really they are unanswerable questions. And sometimes I can hear my son saying to me, at the age of 13, "I don't think my soul has a home in this world. I know it has one somewhere, but not here." Maybe he was right, who am I to say? Your friend sounds like she had an amazing mind. I like to think that amazing minds leave this paradigm only to merge with other amazing minds in an existence much more suited to our potential rather than this one which seems geared to our most base and limited perceptions. It does not touch the missing--nothing helps the missing, the very real grief of a tremendous loss. But it does help with my own thought-loops.
Again, I am very sorry for your loss and I hope that you can feel good about the connection that you two obviously had in life. Love is a very powerful thing--who knows where all it continues to exist? Or how?
I just wish I knew WHY. And she didn't seem down during the last few days, if anything, she seemed to be glad of her physical recovery (after being badly hurt in a lab accident of some kind. Lost a kidney, some liver function, fucked up blood chemistry and difficulty walking, got tired very easily, after walking just a short distance.)
But she seemed like she was making a recovery, and herself, was concerned about me, after some filthy porcine cunt tampered with something of mine, and I narrowly avoided being blinded permanently, and what they did resulted in some pretty bad damage to my eye. We'd been talking, as usual. And even found out her last communication with somebody else, seemed cheerful and betrayed no clue as to what was to come. If it was parasuicide gone wrong, then I do bear responsibility for not outright declaring my feelings for her in time. I really wanted to, and was getting to the point where I was going to, via an offsite encrypted msg. But I had to be too fucking late
Charlie. You sit on my shoulder. I'm on a mission for my self, for my own fun and enjoyment and if I get a few bag heads to join me I'll be happy. UK drug treatment I'm coming for ye. It's been too long they've relied on apathy and shame in the addict to fund and cover up their work and evil deeds