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TDS Was I drugged as a 14yr old

cowardescent

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Jun 29, 2017
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Sounds like a stupid title for this forum but here me out. 6 years ago in 2013, I experienced a "breakdown" that led me to getting dismissed from school and eventually into my current drug use. When I switched schools here in Ireland due to bullying, I found that I hate my new school more. It was too strict. I felt pretty awful waking up those days in Sept-Nov 2012. I truly wanted to die and then....something happened slowly. I don't even remember but I got this idea of mutilating my genitals and that it would free me from ever subjecting a child into this world along with increase my mental strength. Slowly by slowly when I got this idea into my head, I started experiencing intense periods of euphoria and even cried on the bus many times

I started thinking that I was "chosen" for something as I started feeling elated from TV adverts, random songs and even coincidences (which I'll go to in the post). I thought everyone was smiling at me and teachers were even wondering if I was okay because I smiled all the time. This lasted from Dec 2012-Sept 2013.

I crashed when I realized I couldn't castrate myself (tried with a microwave but it failed as obviously too painful) and then things became really depressing. 2014 was bad felt the extreme opposite. I thought people were trying to make me mad and that's when for the first time, I stabbed my mother in the face in psychotic rage. Everything else is history

The reason ask if I was drugged was that I at a party a few weeks ago tried some khat (or called mira in East Africa) which has stimulant effects. I was surprised that this is exactly what I felt in 2013. At the same intensity. The psychiatrist I visited put this down to simply mania caused by a psychotic disorder/bipolar disorder but I wonder, is the brain really capable of stimulating itself to that degree without the aid of a chemical? It's like an opiate high, It would be silly to suggest that just because the brain has opioid receptors, it can naturally produce the same amount of endorphins from exercise as say when taking large doses of morphine.

I have a suspicion that my mother may have accidentally carried khat plants from Kenya and brought them here because there are collard greens she got from my late grandmothers garden and even she used to grow khat until she stopped due to robbers. I remember she used to pack salads so perhaps maybe some remained.

It had all the symptoms of a stimulant induced high: decreased sleep (when before I absolutely hated going to school), self mutilation in extreme cases (the castration), psychosis (thinking people were smiling at me and seeing the coincidences) as well as withdrawl (the next year was the worst mentally I've experienced). Maybe again, it's just mental issues but I don't know what do you think? I haven't experienced anything before 2013 and after
 

cowardescent

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How would you use a microwave to castrate yourself? :eek:
Well it failed obviously but I got an idea of taking the exterior cover off, cutting open the "grill holes" at the left side of most microwaves using pliers, and then sticking my testicles in. I tried removing the magnetron at first but the screw was stripped so it didn't work with my dads screwdrivers (keep in mind they didn't know anything about this).

Reading online, people said it would cause infertility before you felt pain and that it wouldn't be much painful. Boy were they wrong on both counts. It was instantly painful when I turned on the microwave and had a sensation of prickly heat both on the skin of my testicles as well as inside (almost like an ache).

I told my psychiatrist 2 years later, he sent for some blood tests at a hospital and found that my sperm count was normal as well as testosterone production so no damage to them.
 

Phobos

Bluelighter
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Oct 5, 2010
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833
Who do you think was drugging you? How? Was there a meal or drink that you would consume daily and that was prepared out of your sight every single time?
Was an ingredient used for something you would consume be taken from a different place/container than it would normally be?
 

d1nach

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Bro im not a doctor but i have to mood stablizers or i get crazy almost drug like highs and esp. lows. You sound like you have a severe mood disorder. It sounds like to me you might be having severe paranoia.

You listed all symptoms of not just drug use and withdrawl but bipolar and paranoid schizophrenia.

And you claim to have no symptoms but you might just not be aware because it can be hard to have insight into your own illness. I didnt really think i was that depressed till o attempted suicide. Its hard to tell if your not experiencing normal reality or mood or thoughts because you cant compare it to anyone else.

I would strongly suggest you bring up medication with your doctor and get stabilized before you get a psychotic or manic or depressive episode. Right now you can put things in place to stay healthy. But if you commit suicide or blow all your money or castrate yourself or stab someone you might not get a chance to live a reasonably normal life.
 

cowardescent

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Bro im not a doctor but i have to mood stablizers or i get crazy almost drug like highs and esp. lows. You sound like you have a severe mood disorder. It sounds like to me you might be having severe paranoia.

You listed all symptoms of not just drug use and withdrawl but bipolar and paranoid schizophrenia.

And you claim to have no symptoms but you might just not be aware because it can be hard to have insight into your own illness. I didnt really think i was that depressed till o attempted suicide. Its hard to tell if your not experiencing normal reality or mood or thoughts because you cant compare it to anyone else.

I would strongly suggest you bring up medication with your doctor and get stabilized before you get a psychotic or manic or depressive episode. Right now you can put things in place to stay healthy. But if you commit suicide or blow all your money or castrate yourself or stab someone you might not get a chance to live a reasonably normal life.
Well ya, I need to get myself on track because the police said I'd end up homeless or in prison. My psychiatrist has also reported me for homicidal ideation. That and my prescription forgery doesn't look good.

I've never hallucinated but had intense emotional problems. There is also history of autism on my mothers side so there's that.
 

cowardescent

Bluelighter
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Jun 29, 2017
Messages
159
Who do you think was drugging you? How? Was there a meal or drink that you would consume daily and that was prepared out of your sight every single time?
Was an ingredient used for something you would consume be taken from a different place/container than it would normally be?
Well my mother got some collard greens from Kenya and I think that she may have gotten them from her grandmothers plantation. During the period of elation, I ate less food and ate more salads, not for nutrional benefits but because I felt less hungry. That seems to be on par with stimulants and curbing appetite. I'm not sure which came first though, maybe it's correlation/causation and I just experienced the bipolar/psychosis while having less appetite and my mother packing me salads or perhaps they did contain some khat.

Anyway, very confusing. I just wish that part of my life didn't happen. If there's one thing I'd wish for is to have been normal and just graduated college and had a few friends, then I wouldn't be in this mess of almost being homeless for drug use/theft along with intense rage from benzo/alcohol withdrawal. But what can you do.
 

Phobos

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You would have needed to eat salads with Khat every 3-4 hours maximum to continuously be under the effects, probably even more often than that after a few days.
You also would have felt horrible upon wake up after a few days, until eating more khat would have fixed that.
It does seem like it would have been very hard on a practical level for you to be constantly high so much that you didn't experience a daily crash before getting to sleep.
If you are experiencing stimulation, whether it's a drug or not that is inducing it, you would have less appetite, it goes hand in hand so to speak.
Stimulation means your Sympathetic system (the part of your Nervous System responsible for fight and flight response) is more active, and that in turn the Parasympathetic system, responsible for sleep and digestive system function, is less active.
 

d1nach

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Im gunna be straight up with you in my opinion your collard greens idea makes absolutely zero sense logically.

Please dont take this the wrong way im not trying to call you stupid. Mental illness is alot more hallucinating. When your mentally ill it can mess with your thinking. Like i thought every time i got stressed out it was logical to just want to commit suicide.

Are you on medication? It be pretty messed up in my opinion if your doc is just like reporting you for having homicidal idealization and not medicating you. Like wtf.
 

cowardescent

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Im gunna be straight up with you in my opinion your collard greens idea makes absolutely zero sense logically.

Please dont take this the wrong way im not trying to call you stupid. Mental illness is alot more hallucinating. When your mentally ill it can mess with your thinking. Like i thought every time i got stressed out it was logical to just want to commit suicide.

Are you on medication? It be pretty messed up in my opinion if your doc is just like reporting you for having homicidal idealization and not medicating you. Like wtf.
He put me on risperidone but thought I didn't need it and then he sent the police superintendent the letter. tbh...mental health here is a bit crappy but anyways.

I wonder how much being reported for homicidal behavior impacts your future. Does it bar you from getting jobs and increases suspicion when making purchases?
 

d1nach

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Dude if your having homicidal thoughts you honestly need to be on a medication. Thats really serious.

Who thought you didnt need risperidone you or the doctor?


Did the risperidone help you in anyway?

If its side effects they might be able to add a anticholinergic like for me they gave me cogentin.

But for real im worried about you based on what youve said so far if you hurt someone or yourself you will never be able to get a job.

If you stopped the risperidone yourself. I strongly suggest you talk to him about starting it again or a different medicine. If taking it daily is a problem you might be able to get injections that last a few weeks i think.
 

cowardescent

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Dude if your having homicidal thoughts you honestly need to be on a medication. Thats really serious.

Who thought you didnt need risperidone you or the doctor?


Did the risperidone help you in anyway?

If its side effects they might be able to add a anticholinergic like for me they gave me cogentin.

But for real im worried about you based on what youve said so far if you hurt someone or yourself you will never be able to get a job.

If you stopped the risperidone yourself. I strongly suggest you talk to him about starting it again or a different medicine. If taking it daily is a problem you might be able to get injections that last a few weeks i think.

The antipsychotics worked. I was on abilify (aripriprazole) first in 2015 when I was referred to an adolescent psychiatric service because my peers were disturbed by my thoughts of homicide/suicide. My principal was also concerned. This was a few months after I stabbed my mother in the cheek. She gave me 15mg of abilify which worked but was incredibly sedating and actually made me feel more suicidal. She then prescribed prozac.

I eventually was dismissed from school because the comments were continuing so the doctor decided to stop it. Unfortunately, I turned 18 and no longer went there anymore and I ceased the medication.During the period I got mad again and hit my father obviously he fought back cause he's stronger and taller.

Things calmed down and but my parents threatened to call the police here if I attacked them. That's when, I found alcohol first in 2017 and as you can imagine...the rest is history. Never felt better before in my life. Started getting into benzos, got into this place. I got caught up and wrote fake scripts which I was cautioned for. My parents made me see an adult psychiatrist in Dec 2017 until May 2018 who gave me the risperidone. It worked better than abilify and was less sedating but to be fair he was a bit of an ass. He put me off it until I told him "why" it worked because he said "we need to be clear why you are taking this medication/what we are treating".

He stopped it.

It's interesting that the benzos themselves didn't prove that effective compared to the antipsychotics. They worked but moreso for "neutralizing" all good and bad. It's true what they say about insiduous addiction.
 

d1nach

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Yea when i was on xanax it kinda just made me feel more neutral.

Can you possibly see a new doc about possibly going back on risperidone or something else?

Hopefully on the right meds you can feel better than your best of on alcohol.

Anyway it sounds like you had
Childhood suicidal commments
Adult violent
Adult violent
Adult alcohol self medication
Adult benzo self medication and prescription forgery
Adult homicidal idealisation

In my opinion im no doctor but think the past is a good predictor of the future. So i would be worried you might end up in jail, dead, or hurting someone else.

Your doctor does sound like a prick. LITERLY everything you say
 

d1nach

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And ive barely talked to you is im pretty sure good reason you need to be on medication. He honestly annoys me your not supposed to have to be the doctor for him and tell him exactly whats wrong and why your on drug. Wtf is that. Imagine you went to a gastro doctor and he said ok tell me why we need this medication and what we are treating in your stomach.

I really think if in any way possible even maybe going to a hospital (no idea if that would work) you see a new doctor and get on something before the past becomes the future
 

Mafioso

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During the period of elation, I ate less food and ate more salads, not for nutrional benefits but because I felt less hungry
While it does sound similar to the effects of a stimulant, it also sounds similar to the beginning stages of mania and psychosis. Many drugs and mental illness present the same or very similar symptoms, both positive and negative, and from my experience, mania and psychosis feels very much like unintentionally drugging yourself/being drugged by someone else.
It's interesting that the benzos themselves didn't prove that effective compared to the antipsychotics
Benzos work as a sort of stimulator of GABA receptors, whereas antipsychotics work as a dampener on dopamine receptors. It's theorized that high levels of dopamine and/or increased sensitivity in dopamine receptors is what causes(in part, at least) psychosis as well as other mental disorders like schizophrenia. This appears to be true when dopamine antagonist are applied and "correct" the symptoms.

I know for myself benzo use has been associated with manic episodes, not sure of the exact mechanism but I'm guessing it has to do with the way GABA affects your inhibitions.
 

cowardescent

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I know for myself benzo use has been associated with manic episodes, not sure of the exact mechanism but I'm guessing it has to do with the way GABA affects your inhibitions.
All I remember from benzos (which is very little) is that it lowered my inhibition to the point I was forging scripts here. Thank God I didn't live in the US. My uncle in the States got a felony for trying to get a script for Xanax once unsuccessfully. If I lived there, I'd 100% be in jail.

Anyway do you think benzos are bad news or can they be used safely?
 

d1nach

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"All I remember from benzos (which is very little) is that it lowered my inhibition to the point I was forging scripts here." I think you answered yourself if they are bad news for you.

Even if a drug is safe doesnt make it effective.

As mafioso says i agree.
" It's theorized that high levels of dopamine and/or increased sensitivity in dopamine receptors is what causes(in part, at least) psychosis as well as other mental disorders like schizophrenia. This appears to be true when dopamine antagonist are applied and "correct" the symptoms." "

Benzos might provide short term relief but i dont believe there is enough evidence it is a effective long term solution.

Please dont get distracted by short term relief over possible long term solutions at the cost of your long term mental health and or like your uncle jail. Because if you forge script on benzos. History tends to repeat itself.
 

cowardescent

Bluelighter
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Thanks,

btw, how serious is prescription forgery in the States? Why do you guys have such tough laws? I read even Jeb Bush's daughter couldn't escape 10 days in jail. If a daughter of the rich and elite can't escape justice, imagine an average-Joe like me, especially someone who is non-white.
 

Mafioso

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Anyway do you think benzos are bad news or can they be used safely?
It'd depend on the individual in question, as those prone to addiction, especially with alcohol and/or benzos, I'd say it's not advisable.

The other important factor is the dose and probably more important, the amount of time the drug will be taken. Most benzos are known to be ineffective and dangerous with long term use.

Possible valid uses that I have seen would be things like a very small script(10-20 low dose benzos) for treating alcohol, opioid, and other withdrawals, and perhaps a small script for situational anxiety only IF it is combined with something like exposure therapy or CBT. They make a pretty terrible solution for anxiety and the likes, in fact, they tend to make things far worse in the long run, however, they may offer a small window in which one can be more open to therapy and new experiences when used in low dose for a short period of time(1-2 weeks max for most).


Personally, I know that the answer is no for me. Maybe in 5-10 years or so when I have learned to deal naturally with my anxieties and have a strong hold on my addiction, but until then, my experience with benzos always begins with a 2 week honeymoon followed by months of hell. Not worth it, and then in hindsight I realize the 2 weeks of honeymoon was really me behaving in a manic and embarrrisng way.
 
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