Vent/Rant Thread vs I'll tell you how I really feel (Triggering Content)

[ad lib]

Fucking hell, I'm stuck in the middle of a very messy divorce (one of my good friends is leaving her abusive, junky husband). I gave her a place to stay because he'd just show up at anyone of her friends or parents houses looking for her and she was here for 4 days. In that time he did show up at everyones places and found out that she was with me but no one told him where I lived. Non-stop calls and texts to her the entire time, pulling manipulation on all our friends and her parents to find out my address and only today has he started messaging me pulling the same shit.

It's a shitty situation, and I only have half the story so I'm trying to stay out of it, and on top of it all she professed her feelings towards me 8(

Oh man, that's a sticky situation BRoI...is she'd still staying with you?

 

[Eveleivibe]

Never felt so humiliated n embarrassed in my life. I started thinking about codeine so I walked out of my recovery group to get it, just went completely blank to everything they were saying around me. I went to the pharmacy n someone there recognised me, asked me to gon in the consultation room. It was like some bad dream that had come true. He asked was I still on suboxone n how much n who could he tell. I just sobbed n never ran out out somewhere so fast in my whole life.
Stupid thing is I don't know why I did it because the suboxone would block them
I bought wine instead because that can't be forced away from me as everything or one I love gets taken away. I wont drink it but it's the control of knowing I could buy it.
I feel so guilty n stupid. Oh well lol

It's all a mess n no matter how hard I try I can' t seem to tidy it up

Evey

 

[Black Rabbit of Inle]

Oh man, that's a sticky situation BRoI...is she'd still staying with you?

No, she left yesterday afternoon. My biggest issue is that she's one of my oldest friends who I do love dearly, but with everything going on there is no way in hell I'd pursue a relationship with her, no matter how much I'd want to.

 

[Eveleivibe]

No, she left yesterday afternoon. My biggest issue is that she's one of my oldest friends who I do love dearly, but with everything going on there is no way in hell I'd pursue a relationship with her, no matter how much I'd want to.

Sounds awful. I think you're right by staying out of it.

Evey xxxx

 

[sinclair1984]

I know the feeling. I break down and cry at strange times I know how humiliating it feels. I'm sorry your having a rough time. Hang on. the cravings have to stop sometime, don't they. Love and light

 

[Eveleivibe]

Oh please don't worry about my issues. I'm just venting, tis fine. You settle into the site and take care of you. I'm fine, honest. I have these vents from time to time lol I hope things are working for you here and if you not talk to your adopter who will help you.

Evey

 

[hydroazuanacaine]

i have so much fucking anxiety. tonight was a huge accomplishment. the mayor of the city and the CEO of one of the most respected organizations in the very large city spoke at our event, attended by hundreds. being marketing, it was orchestrated in large part by me -- though of course i have my coworkers and board members to thank for so much help. so much planning went into it. it went off without any significant mishaps. and i'm so fucking nervous i'm shaking instead of feeling anything like joy. sick of it.

 

[Allein]

^^

But you got through it and that is what truly counts, feel the fear and all that.

It's undeniable shit when you get through stuff and then feel bad afterwards, it tends to warp my ense of acheivement.

Hope you feel better soon

 

[gr33n3y3z]

withdrawing bad.

And My S/O is jealous over nothing...{ lol Cali inside joke if you read my post}.

 

[plmar]

Fucking angry and depressed as fuck right now.
Im trying to cry but it's very difficult.

'this is so edgy'
right.


<snip>

 

[Allein]

hey plmar, I've no intention of banning you for having a hard time.

things seemed more positive earlier whats up?

 

[apologeticfuck]

I can't keep bottling up my anger and then all of a sudden taking it all out on someone just because I had a less than perfect life. A lot more have had it worse than me, why do I feel so persecuted, useless and depressed all the time - which is when I turn to anything that will numb me? When I go over the top I ruin relationships and just make it harder on myself. Why do I keep doing this to myself?

 

[Papaverium]

Ugggrhh physical wd's are almost gone but this mental shit is way harder and driving me craaaazy ><
There's gotta be something I can do that I haven't completely lost interest in yet, so I can distract my mind...

My money is on the verge of making that phone call........

Gotta resist, its only synthetic bliss I think I'll feel, 'til I realize it just made me feel normal again...
fuck I hate this...
Almost relapsed yesterday... tomorrow will be a week opi free, I gotta make it, but this is mental torture!! *sigh*

/EndVent

~Ms.P

 

[Maya]

Bear it ms p. Youll be fine. Patience dear maybe just buy something for painting? :D

 

[Xorkoth]

You can do it! You've made great progress so far, a week is fucking tough, in some ways it's the toughest part. Once you feel normal again the cravings will be easier to deal with.

 

[Papaverium]

Bear it ms p. Youll be fine. Patience dear maybe just buy something for painting? :D

Yeah, I just needed to vent at the moment. thanks :3

I have lots of art supplies, but its the motivation I lack.... I'll get it back soon enough.

~Ms.P

 

[HdoubleODeezy]

^ do you want motivation?
Hit me up in the battle thread if you wanna keep busy.

-HOOD

 

[HdoubleODeezy]

Sorry for the double post in advance but:
Ok it's been i donno a week since i've had a drink..
I'm still a bit shaky and have trouble sleeping (but have always had that problem) no other symptoms of wd.
I'm alone for the weekend and have like 6 beers in the refrigerator..
I'm contemplating on having just ONE.. normal people drink on the weekend right? or is it just me justifying my want for one?
Damn, would it be worth the guilt after i finish it to know i just wasted the sober time? Even though 1 beer would do absolutely nothing to me?
Well maybe a little stress relief but that's all.
Someone, advice?

Thank you!

-HOOD

 

[Xorkoth]

Definitely you're justifying. I strongly suggest you do NOT have a beer. Normal people do drink on weekend nights sometimes but you've got a problem with alcohol and you're trying to detox so you do not qualify as normal in this case. This will set you back if you do it.

Stay strong. I'm VERY familiar with rationalizing using to myself, it's the sneakiest trap of addiction.

 

[Carl Landrover]

I'm lying to everyone IRL about my drug progress.

I'm supposed to be on suboxone and doing well on that.

I'm still slamming dope everyday. I'm not a good person. I'm extremely selfish, and quite frankly I'm rather disrespectful to all the people that are legitimately trying to help me.


Stuff does happen that's not really my fault though. My suboxone doctor went on vacation this week. He was supposed to leave a refill script with this other doctor who was going to be running the weekly group meeting that we have to attend. It was one of the main reasons I still went, even though I could have probably skipped it since they were on vacation. However I NEEDED my script because my doctor doesn't write any extras. I happen to have a few extras because of the days I used (and I fortunately didn't tell my doctor that I had the few leftover strips still). Anyways, the doctor did NOT leave the refill script. There were at least 3 other people that also went to the meeting on Monday and were in need of a refill. I have no idea how they are managing or if they somehow got their refill. I'm rather annoyed that he left us dry like this. It's pretty irresponsible. I don't know how I would have not relapsed if I had been doing everything he had been telling me to do. If I had been 100% compliant than I would have been without suboxone since Tuesday (it's Friday night). So he would have had me go from 16mg a day to 0mg because he forgot to leave the refill script. Jackass. 8) I mean what was I supposed to do if I didn't have those extras?

I feel like I'm constantly being tested in various ways, and I keep failing. The pull of IV heroin is strong. It's got a strangle over my mental power. It's weaved it's way into just about every aspect of my life. It's like those vines that keep growing, wrapping themselves around the trees and vegetation, continuously rooting itself in the ground in more and more spots. Pretty soon it's wrapped around everything and can't just be quickly pulled out.

Argh! I just am so conflicted. I honestly think I could be a lot happier if I was just taking suboxone, not getting high on dope anymore, and was focusing on getting clean. I just can never seem to get adjusted to suboxone again. I don't give it enough days though before I relapse. I'm just so down then. I already feel depressed on dope. Without it I'm not even functioning.


This was an incohesive rambling of a post and I apologize if it doesn't make sense. That would be appropriate as not much in my life makes sense.