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Vent/Rant Thread vs. Don't get in my way

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Allein

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another one of my friends passed away and died of a heroin overdose last night. i dont understand, why am i still alive? how is that not my family grieving right now?

RIP Adam

im going to miss you
I'm sorry for your loss, we have to carry the torch on for those that no longer can, your friend would want that..surely <3

I've been struggling these last few weeks, I could blame numerous things both within and out of my control but I know deep down that this darkness comes from within and it is there I need to look buy I keep on running from it :\

Let's hope the coming spring brings fresh hope and the energy to push on to a brighter day
 

Smoky

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I'm very sorry for your loss, I lost a friend that just couldn't get out of the struggle of the back and forth using of methadone, heroin and subs… I was there myself for a while. I sometimes am not sure if I am truly here, I need to pinch myself.

For me today, It's been a very strange day thus far and it's only been a few hours. Am a little concerned about a few things… Need to make some calls to check in with reality… Some bizarre happenings in a row out of the usual… Guess that's the way it goes though <3 :)
 

Smoky

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Something about the sound of helicopters in the sky is very triggering, they are in the hood right now… for some reason.
It might be from the day my mom and I were on the beach on an Island and we had to evacuate and find shelter indoors and had no place to go,,, helicopters were circling the Island… with loud microphones shouting that poisonous gas was in the air. I was out in the water and no one was around….. and barely made it onto the land. I was like 5, 6. Barely remember. Won't go into what happened next as it was quite terrifying, but I'm feeling very odd, and hope the noise calms down outside soon as I have to be somewhere.
 

Sprout

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Finding new lows.
Well; I'm alive, for another day.
To rant now would be to rant of the past, so I can only look forward to ranting in future. :')
 

tripnotyzm

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LaCster, heaps sorry to hear of your loss :( hang in there bro.

Im on day 3 without weed booze cocaine or benzos/opiates.
Its been surprisingly easy for me, i guess the 10 thousand dollars i owe is acting as a massive push in the right direction.

The cleaner i get, the more dependant i become on my girlfriend.. and to be honest it's driving her fucking bonkers having to put up with my needy shit each night.

I love her so much and have a feeling this month will continue to be a successful run for me, i just really gotta work on controlling my emotions by not turning to her every time i feel craziness setting in.

Ugh.
 

blahman8000

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Dec 3, 2009
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Been bouncing around among a number of places to sleep/stay over the past few weeks. Friend's couch, homeless shelter, hospital, rehab, crisis unit twice.. then I decided to attempt to make amends with my parents. Now I wish I'd gone to the shelter. I got tired. I wish they would have kept me at the crisis unit for a few more days. Being there was such a respite for me. I was sober for all of those 22 days, and it took one half hour guilt trip from my mother and father, and having to sit there and take it. Being yelled at, being called crazy, being told I need help because I finally confronted my father about things I recall from my childhood. By this time it was too late to go to the shelter. I wouldn't have made it. And I was still determined to have one day where I'm not stuck somewhere where my freedom is so limited. So I said everything they wanted to hear, apologized (for telling the truth), took the verbal abuse, etc. Now here I am. I needed a drink after all of this.

I lost my therapist. According to them, it was because I went to rehab so I guess that means my "file" with her had concluded. I wonder if they were just trying to take it easy on me, and perhaps the truth is that she just didn't want to work with me anymore. I actually developed some form of trust with her. I confided about major personal things, and I don't think I can do that again. I wanted to be able to speak to her through all of this, but I've been stuck in these programs. And the rehab ended up just making me crave and feel worse. Maybe I just demonstrated how weak I am. I left towards the end of the third day there. It's meant to be the toughest rehab in my state. The constant talk about drugs and alcohol only seemed to glorify it.

So I've relapsed. I already miss the friends I had over at the crisis unit I was at. I wish I wasn't discharged, but it's meant to be a short term program. For other more intensive/longer programs, I'd have to be suicidal, homicidal, or having symptoms of psychosis, according to my health insurance company.

Today I had to say goodbye to friends I'd only recently made but really connected with. I was discharged from a facility where I truly still belong right now. I lost a therapist I felt I could trust and I don't understand why. I was given a discharge summary with a whole bunch of different diagnoses. I experienced a 30 minute guilt trip where I was made to feel like complete shit. And I relapsed.

Am I just being a total victim right now?
 

herbavore

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Here is what I would do in your situation:

1) Call the crisis center and tell them you need your therapist. Tell them that if nothing else, you need to understand why she dropped you. Tell them that you have relapsed and you are feeling scared and without support.

2) Give up on your family for right now. Maybe someday they will be willing to hear you and not place blame on you but maybe not. In the present, they are a detriment to your mental health because you get drawn in to their way of seeing yourself in their presence.

3) recognize that you did not need that drink. You needed your family to love you and support you. You needed honesty and compassion. You needed a secure home. You needed to feel good about yourself inside. You needed a lot of things but you did not need that drink. That is the lie that your addiction tells you and it is every bit as insidious as the blame your family is putting on you.

4) Find another therapist and ask the crisis center personnel to help you do that. Ask them what sort of support they give for people once they are discharged. Many people in jobs like that are over-worked and just going from one task to the next. Often, if you ask for things, you can get information that they otherwise just neglected to give you. The discharge from those places usually has to do with nothing more than insurance payments running out. Still, it may be possible to find a human being that actually cares enough to take the extra time to help you get direction to a new therapist. There is no reason you cannot trust another therapist with the information you shared before--maybe it will surprise you and even feel easier next time.

Bottom line is that you had 22 days without alcohol and you made friends and felt good. So now you know that is possible and you have to keep trying to get there outside of the crisis center.<3
 

PotatoMan

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could never understand why i keep doing this to my mother. I've put her through so much. The bags under her eyes are literally fucking huge sacks now. I've put her through so many sleepless nights and tears because of my drugs use. Why have I not these emotions to sympathize with her?? Have the drugs just altered my brain chemistry to the point where normal emotions experienced by the unaltered are now psychopath like? I literally lack empathy in so many concerning places.

I like to tell myself that Hallucinogens have fixed this but really I could be lying to myself. What the fuck? I still can't even have brotherly conversations with my 2 beautiful sisters. Any kind of sibling love feels so awkward to me. Why the fuck does it have to be like this man? The drugs have made me so clever yet so fucking empty...

The thing is i've never battled Mother-addiction drugs like H n Tina nor have I ever been addicted to anything serious. I just used to impulsively binge on soul-less pharmaceuticals and they've drawn the love out of me.

How the fuck do I put it back IN? I've taken LSD a couple times and been taking DXM a little more than usual to compensate for the fact that I've stopped doing other drugs. Going to trip tonight and wonder about these emotions. These hallucinogens have been really helping me feel emotions-full but the soul-less vibe from pharms still seem to linger.

I don't even know if I'm happy or just not thinking about depressive things. I don't have a marijuana problem but fiend the euphoria from it and this has upset my mum so much. I started out saying that i'll never touch other drugs but I cracked after a year and tried 20+ drugs within 2 and subsided my drug use (or so I tell myself) since the last roll I had back in june.

I tell my mum I haven't been doing drugs when in reality I've been impulsively doing small amounts (the justification) of the drugs I used to binge on. I always wanna take a small dose of bennies when they're around, a line of coke if I'm pushing stupor and still am open to experimenting the drugs I still haven't tried.

I always think about what will happen if I tried high-grade opioids again and had access to them. I don't wanna be an addict or have to kill myself because I wouldn't be able to live like that in front my mother :( It'll be a complete waste of my potential. I love her but I've never told her this since I've been a kid :'( I wish she knew it.
 
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