Thanks for the reply and interesting insights about MDMA. I've never tried MDMA but have heard mostly positive things about it, how it can bring about immense feelings of love for oneself and others. I think the reason I stutter sometimes is partially because I've spent a lot of time in self-hatred, I doubt myself and automatically assume other people dislike me, my "Being" is flawed. Cultivating self-love of who I am is a struggle for me every day, so that has an impact on my stutter especially in work and social situations.
I believe I understand the reasons for my stutter, ADHD, depression, trauma etc.
1)
Pre natal trauma - At 17, my biological mother tried to starve herself to hide being pregnant with me as she was so scared to tell her parents, she thought they would literally kill her. This may sound wishy-washy, even though as a developing fetus I was not conscious, my body, my self, my cells sensed her rejection towards me that altered my DNA, inducing the fight and flight response. I felt fear for the first time even before I was born.
I only met her 3 years ago, she admitted to me she didn't want me at the time, I was a mistake.
2)
Post natal trauma - I was taken away from my biological mother after 10 days, she said this was the worse day of her life, it left her traumatized in floods of tears. She wasn't allowed to breast feed me during the 10-day period after my birth, that bond between mother and child was already severed, so lacking her physical love and milk probably affected my physiological and neurological development.
3) I was eventually placed into an adoptive family, my adoptive mother had lost two children previously and couldn't conceive any more. She lacked emotional intelligence along with my adoptive father who had the emotional awareness of a statue. My elder adoptive sister used to physically and psychologically abuse me, whilst mocking my stutter amongst other things that just drained any belief in myself.
4) Rotten time at all my schools, just was too afraid to speak. I had suicide attempts at 14 and 17.
5) Struggled in most places of work, just too hyper vigilant with a misconception that people by default are going to judge me negatively (I know it's me judging others negatively beforehand).
There's a hellalot more I could write but won't go into. I've had psychotherapy, CBT, hypnotherapy etc which have helped me to understand more about myself with clarity but this pain, self-hatred is deeply entrenched, like a hot blade coated in salt thrusted into my gut, I keep on twisted and turning this blade ruminating about bad past experiences and if I have a bad experience in the present, I add salt onto the wound.
I understand cultivating acceptance that some days my stutter will be bad and being open about it will help. Unfortunately for me there's a complexity of hidden traumas to resolve under the iceberg metaphorically speaking.
