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Sad Unless I'm screwing myself up I feel dead.,,

justdifferent

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 4, 2019
Messages
50
So, here I am, about 5 weeks now since I've been in women's shelter because of DV which in turn was caused by co-dependence-our mutual obligation to not even bother trying to do anything except get high when we could. Am keeping pill usage (am on painkillers) down as much as poss, but sometimes am so tempted just to throw an opiate party for myself for 48 hours and deal with the fallout after. Going to bed every night st,like, 8.30 at latest. I know now my so-called man probably never gave a shit about me-among other things, he made a pass at my (gay) BROTHER. While I was asleep. And d ultra-violent to boot. But I miss that piece of crap, and right now am so lonely that I'd be glad to see him, even though I know he didn't love me - just used me. I want to get fucked up too... well, as title says, I just feel like I'm not living unless I am going to nihilistic extremes...anyways thanks for letting me rant!
 

nuttynutskin

Bluelighter
Joined
May 15, 2011
Messages
8,405
Why would you even consider letting them back into your life? I think that's a question you really need to ponder. Work on self esteem and being ok without chaos and violence in your life. It was injuries last time but next time might be worse.
 
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justdifferent

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 4, 2019
Messages
50
Why would you even consider letting them back into your life? I think that's a question you really need to ponder. Work on self esteem and being ok without chaos and violence in your life. It was injuries last time but next time might be worse.
Well you are quite right. Only reason I am able to tolerate current depression is because I am actually lucky to have survived the last violent encounter with ex. I fell 15 metres from 3rd floor apartment- nurses and cops were marvelling that not only am I not dead, but no spinal injury.
 

justdifferent

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 4, 2019
Messages
50
Well I don't think my self esteem is all thT low ....except for the minor point that I feel like a gutless fraud!???
 

justdifferent

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 4, 2019
Messages
50
Seriously I can't even work othe most appropriate emoticon for my current mental state! Lonely, but want to avoid people. Feeling hurt and resentful and plain frigging enraged towards ex, while still missing our little jokes and ways. He plead guilty to assaulting me, but I can't even bear to find out what his sentence is, because if he has to go to jail I will HATE myself. Utterly irrational but I can't help it ...anyway sorry, this is probably something I should take to a domestic violence forum...yet is related to drugs insofar as I'm really struggling to not abuse pain killers as a way of escaping horrible mood ....
 

nuttynutskin

Bluelighter
Joined
May 15, 2011
Messages
8,405
The women's shelter probably has resources you could use... Maybe they could set you up with a counselor? The sooner your forget about the abusive psychopath the faster you can start working on yourself. Whatever you do don't go back!
 

justdifferent

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 4, 2019
Messages
50
No going back now, luckily, because I've taken out a restraining order! It's as much to stop me from trying to call him in a weak moment as it is about keeping him away...but it's hard to get used to being alone. I need to use my "wise mind" and give being alone a chance, of course (it's not even been 2 months yet). For years I lived very happily alone as a single woman. I wonder how I'll go, too, when I have to leave shelter? (Where company and support are available literally around the clock...)
 

garym

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 9, 2018
Messages
107
Location
UK
relationships are hard work enough without throwing drugs into the mix, i've learned that over the years. take the time you need to recover mentally, emotionally and physically. not all men are like your ex though, remember that too. hope you find a life you deserve, be that alone or with someone.
 

justdifferent

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 4, 2019
Messages
50
Hey thanks! I know "all men aren't lik that" (for a long time I thought ex WAS very much a man who "wasn't like that") anyway at the present I am getting a bit more used to being on my own. Am not taking Dex anymore, or ex and I had very co-dependent thing going on: he'd swap me his meds - dexies- for mine , which were mainly diazepam and painkillers)... Thanks again for your kind message.
 
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