Desperate Unable to stabilize myself .. rehab Cold turkey from 120 mg of methadone and heroin

[OpiateKiller]

I thought I could taper myself off and figure this out but I don’t think I can do it.

I’ve been shooting my entire methadone script and then 5-10 grams of heroin when I can get it (it’s a 2 hour drive each way to my only connection and sometimes we have to drive 3 hours from his house to his plug). About twice a week I’ve been going to get a large quantity and blowing through it.

All of that is kind of irrelevant, the fact of the matter is I think I’m spiraling out of control. I need to stop all drug and alcohol use immediately or I don’t know the depths this is going to reach.

My fear is if I enter rehab right not there is no rapid taper which can adequately help my serious opioid tolerance and I honestly will have to leave treatment to avoid dying. That’s not being dramatic. Regardless even if I survive and stick it out it’s going to be 30 days of torture. But I’m at a point I think it’s necessary to probably save my life. I can’t stop myself and at this point I’m doing irrational things like driving drunk states away to shoot heroin while on large doses of methadone. If I don’t get arrested, crash or overdose I likely won’t live longer. And I have a nice abscess brewing on my arm as well.

I wanted to handle this without torturing myself tapering 10 mg a week to minimize suffering but I don’t think I can do it.

Sporadic alcohol drinking and meth use has been randomly added to the mix randomly a few times a month. Well alcohol almost daily meth use 2/3 times monthly and heroin almost daily.

Do I just go to rehab and fight this battle of hell? Do I try and fix this problem without treatment? I’m basically on autopilot drugs are controlling my every action at this stage I have little say in anything logical or reasonable. I’m
Scared I still want to live but my lifestyle right now is not conductive to anything but terror. I just want my life back.

 

[Deru]

Do I just go to rehab and fight this battle of hell?

If rehab is a possibility and tapering isn’t working, rehab completely changed my life for the better. I can almost say, with the utmost certainty, had I not went to rehab I would not be alive on this planet currently. And, my worst perceived nightmare of the torture I would face in rehab always turned up unfounded, even some of the worse quality detox centers I’ve been to kept me relatively comfortable. And, honestly, just being in a different environment does wonders in that regard, as well.

 

[OpiateKiller]

If rehab is a possibility and tapering isn’t working, rehab completely changed my life for the better. I can almost say, with the utmost certainty, had I not went to rehab I would not be alive on this planet currently. And, my worst perceived nightmare of the torture I would face in rehab always turned up unfounded, even some of the worse quality detox centers I’ve been to kept me relatively comfortable. And, honestly, just being in a different environment does wonders in that regard, as well.

The sad reality man is honestly you're right, I need rehab. Rehab will save my life right now. It is exactly where I need to go and can afford to do so at this very moment right now and drop everything else. But the same reality is this is the deepest I have ever been on opiates in my entire life. In 2014 I went through rehab on a 120 mg oxycodone habit a day cold turkey, they wouldn't give me suboxone, and it was 10 days of the worst hell one could imagine.

Now picture me, 6 years later, multiple relapses, detoxes, and overdoses later. The last detox I did was in 2017 from suboxone I faced 21 days of the worst hell I could ever invision. I overdosed on the highway and basically the judge told me go to a sober house and sober up right now or have fun in prison. I sat with no medical detox from 16 mg suboxone and quit with no medical help. I lost a part of my spirit in that sober house. But damn I got the fuck off of opiates. So honestly yeah God bless that fucking place.

Now here I sit. The deepest I've ever been in a hole I've climbed out of too many times.

Do I just fucking end it? This isn't for effect or sarcasm or a laugh. Why am I faced with the same problem so many years later. I'm not a stupid person. What the fuck. Why. Why why why why why.

I honestly from the bottom of my heart appreciate your response though and all the others you have given me.

 

[cowboycurtis]

Have you been to rehab before? I've been to quite a few ranging from nice insurance/private pay places to county funded shitholes and honestly, I feel like it's all the same. I might be jaded, but for me rehab is just a place to dry out. It's time removed from the chaos and uncertainty. The change really has to come from you and no amount of rehab is going to make that happen. That being said, rehab can be a great tool for some. It can certainly guide you in the right direction with the right amount of willingness.

This is all stuff I've really only recently learned. I completed my most recent and shortest (30 days) rehab stay about a month ago. The entire time, leading up to it and during, I desperately wanted to hear something that would make it all click, but it felt like I'd heard it all before. After a pretty hardcore relapse I've come to realize that nothing I hear or see is gonna bring that revelation on its own. That willingness, that open-mindedness, and that effort needs to come from within. You're the only one capable of picturing the life you want and you're the only one who can make it happen. No one's gonna do it for you. Don't be afraid to ask for help, of course, but if you don't show any initiative, don't expect someone to keep holding your hand. This is all stuff that I'm currently struggling with. I have difficulty picturing what I want out of life and so it makes it hard for anyone to help me and I typically default to drugs. I think this is a pretty common theme among drug addicts. It's what continually perpetuates the addiction.

I don't know of any rehabs w/ medical detox that taper with methadone. I think they usually have to do a buprenorphine induction and that can be really rough sometimes since you have to wait so long with methadone's half-life. I did this transition in the last detox and I think I had to wait almost 96 hrs before I got any bupe. I honestly believe that rehab has saved my life, albeit legally required. Had I continued to use consistently through all the time I've been in jail, rehab, and clean, I'd surely be dead. It's a miracle I'm not dead right now and it's clearer to me now than it's ever been.

It's true though, like you said, everything will spin out of control sooner or later if you keep using, and it just gets worse every time. I always denied this until just recently when my own personal and professional life spiraled out of control. I think I've finally accepted the fact that I really cannot continue using. The fact that I have to now rebuild my life makes it all that much harder to stay away as well. Not knowing where to start and being so overwhelmed by all the damage you need to repair can be extremely soul-crushing.

So my best advice to you would be to find a way to taper off of the methadone and once you stabilize, whether it be in detox/rehab or not, really ask yourself where you want to be in a year/ 5 years/ 10 years, and gradually make smaller goals to accomplish that. Really plan out what you need to do to get to the next level. Don't just have some vague dream and hope something falls into your lap. Without that drive you won't get anywhere. There's a great William S. Burroughs quote stating that junkies shoot junk because they have no motivation in the other direction. I don't know about you, but that certainly rings a bell for me. I'm perfectly content while high no matter what I'm doing, but while sober I'm a nervous, antsy wreck and life is just... uncomfortable. I don't wanna live like that. Another thing that helps me is talking to other people that are either going through it or have been there and have some time under their belt. Not sure how you feel about NA or therapy, but I have a lot of friends who've had success with these. I've always enjoyed meetings, but I didn't particularly get much out of step work. The best thing I can say is just be open-minded and find what works for you.

Good luck and if you ever wanna talk feel free to PM me.

 

[OpiateKiller]

Have you been to rehab before? I've been to quite a few ranging from nice insurance/private pay places to county funded shitholes and honestly, I feel like it's all the same. I might be jaded, but for me rehab is just a place to dry out. It's time removed from the chaos and uncertainty. The change really has to come from you and no amount of rehab is going to make that happen. That being said, rehab can be a great tool for some. It can certainly guide you in the right direction with the right amount of willingness.

This is all stuff I've really only recently learned. I completed my most recent and shortest (30 days) rehab stay about a month ago. The entire time, leading up to it and during, I desperately wanted to hear something that would make it all click, but it felt like I'd heard it all before. After a pretty hardcore relapse I've come to realize that nothing I hear or see is gonna bring that revelation on its own. That willingness, that open-mindedness, and that effort needs to come from within. You're the only one capable of picturing the life you want and you're the only one who can make it happen. No one's gonna do it for you. Don't be afraid to ask for help, of course, but if you don't show any initiative, don't expect someone to keep holding your hand. This is all stuff that I'm currently struggling with. I have difficulty picturing what I want out of life and so it makes it hard for anyone to help me and I typically default to drugs. I think this is a pretty common theme among drug addicts. It's what continually perpetuates the addiction.

I don't know of any rehabs w/ medical detox that taper with methadone. I think they usually have to do a buprenorphine induction and that can be really rough sometimes since you have to wait so long with methadone's half-life. I did this transition in the last detox and I think I had to wait almost 96 hrs before I got any bupe. I honestly believe that rehab has saved my life, albeit legally required. Had I continued to use consistently through all the time I've been in jail, rehab, and clean, I'd surely be dead. It's a miracle I'm not dead right now and it's clearer to me now than it's ever been.

It's true though, like you said, everything will spin out of control sooner or later if you keep using, and it just gets worse every time. I always denied this until just recently when my own personal and professional life spiraled out of control. I think I've finally accepted the fact that I really cannot continue using. The fact that I have to now rebuild my life makes it all that much harder to stay away as well. Not knowing where to start and being so overwhelmed by all the damage you need to repair can be extremely soul-crushing.

So my best advice to you would be to find a way to taper off of the methadone and once you stabilize, whether it be in detox/rehab or not, really ask yourself where you want to be in a year/ 5 years/ 10 years, and gradually make smaller goals to accomplish that. Really plan out what you need to do to get to the next level. Don't just have some vague dream and hope something falls into your lap. Without that drive you won't get anywhere. There's a great William S. Burroughs quote stating that junkies shoot junk because they have no motivation in the other direction. I don't know about you, but that certainly rings a bell for me. I'm perfectly content while high no matter what I'm doing, but while sober I'm a nervous, antsy wreck and life is just... uncomfortable. I don't wanna live like that. Another thing that helps me is talking to other people that are either going through it or have been there and have some time under their belt. Not sure how you feel about NA or therapy, but I have a lot of friends who've had success with these. I've always enjoyed meetings, but I didn't particularly get much out of step work. The best thing I can say is just be open-minded and find what works for you.

Good luck and if you ever wanna talk feel free to PM me.

Yes man. To everything you said. Right now I’m in withdrawal and far from rationale and drunk.

But I’ve been to rehab plenty of times and all it ever did was help me.

Yes it included some horrible sleepless nights but I’ve not had a single bad rehab experience.

The question you ask me - where do you see yourself, is exactly what plays in my mike every time I use drugs.

Is this really who I want to be anymore? And the answer back Is fuck no. I’ve had beautiful women I’ve lost, dream jobs and dream lives I’ve thrown out the window to be high on heroin or other drugs.

I’d rather prosper man trust me
I
Can’t endure this any longer. Expect a Message once I sober up
And
Thank
You from all that is in me for your reply,

 

[December Flower]

I really wish you all the strength in the world and hope you succeed!
You said you can't control yourself alone, I think that itself is reason enough to seek rehab.

 

[MsDiz]

Go to a rehab dude, go and be totally honest. Tell them how much you’re using and how afraid you are of the suffering due to withdrawal and let them know it’s one thing that’s been stopping you from going to rehab.

You need it, you’re not thinking clearly and you’re going to make dangerous choices when in a poor state of mind.

Get sober first and take things from there. Things will be much clearer when you’ve not got the monkey on your back. It’ll all be ok dude.

 

[mokele]

I thought I could taper myself off and figure this out but I don’t think I can do it.

I’ve been shooting my entire methadone script and then 5-10 grams of heroin when I can get it (it’s a 2 hour drive each way to my only connection and sometimes we have to drive 3 hours from his house to his plug). About twice a week I’ve been going to get a large quantity and blowing through it.

All of that is kind of irrelevant, the fact of the matter is I think I’m spiraling out of control. I need to stop all drug and alcohol use immediately or I don’t know the depths this is going to reach.

My fear is if I enter rehab right not there is no rapid taper which can adequately help my serious opioid tolerance and I honestly will have to leave treatment to avoid dying. That’s not being dramatic. Regardless even if I survive and stick it out it’s going to be 30 days of torture. But I’m at a point I think it’s necessary to probably save my life. I can’t stop myself and at this point I’m doing irrational things like driving drunk states away to shoot heroin while on large doses of methadone. If I don’t get arrested, crash or overdose I likely won’t live longer. And I have a nice abscess brewing on my arm as well.

I wanted to handle this without torturing myself tapering 10 mg a week to minimize suffering but I don’t think I can do it.

Sporadic alcohol drinking and meth use has been randomly added to the mix randomly a few times a month. Well alcohol almost daily meth use 2/3 times monthly and heroin almost daily.

Do I just go to rehab and fight this battle of hell? Do I try and fix this problem without treatment? I’m basically on autopilot drugs are controlling my every action at this stage I have little say in anything logical or reasonable. I’m
Scared I still want to live but my lifestyle right now is not conductive to anything but terror. I just want my life back.

Dont go from one end of the spectrum to the other just cause you think you got to do that now!! Believe me, you will end up in the bathroom so sick you have to relapse before you start projectile vomiting. Try to stick to your methadone, then go from there. Dont rush it, take it easy. You didnt get there in a few weeks and dont suffer useless and take your time getting off.

 

[mokele]

Have you been to rehab before? I've been to quite a few ranging from nice insurance/private pay places to county funded shitholes and honestly, I feel like it's all the same. I might be jaded, but for me rehab is just a place to dry out. It's time removed from the chaos and uncertainty. The change really has to come from you and no amount of rehab is going to make that happen. That being said, rehab can be a great tool for some. It can certainly guide you in the right direction with the right amount of willingness.

This is all stuff I've really only recently learned. I completed my most recent and shortest (30 days) rehab stay about a month ago. The entire time, leading up to it and during, I desperately wanted to hear something that would make it all click, but it felt like I'd heard it all before. After a pretty hardcore relapse I've come to realize that nothing I hear or see is gonna bring that revelation on its own. That willingness, that open-mindedness, and that effort needs to come from within. You're the only one capable of picturing the life you want and you're the only one who can make it happen. No one's gonna do it for you. Don't be afraid to ask for help, of course, but if you don't show any initiative, don't expect someone to keep holding your hand. This is all stuff that I'm currently struggling with. I have difficulty picturing what I want out of life and so it makes it hard for anyone to help me and I typically default to drugs. I think this is a pretty common theme among drug addicts. It's what continually perpetuates the addiction.

I don't know of any rehabs w/ medical detox that taper with methadone. I think they usually have to do a buprenorphine induction and that can be really rough sometimes since you have to wait so long with methadone's half-life. I did this transition in the last detox and I think I had to wait almost 96 hrs before I got any bupe. I honestly believe that rehab has saved my life, albeit legally required. Had I continued to use consistently through all the time I've been in jail, rehab, and clean, I'd surely be dead. It's a miracle I'm not dead right now and it's clearer to me now than it's ever been.

It's true though, like you said, everything will spin out of control sooner or later if you keep using, and it just gets worse every time. I always denied this until just recently when my own personal and professional life spiraled out of control. I think I've finally accepted the fact that I really cannot continue using. The fact that I have to now rebuild my life makes it all that much harder to stay away as well. Not knowing where to start and being so overwhelmed by all the damage you need to repair can be extremely soul-crushing.

So my best advice to you would be to find a way to taper off of the methadone and once you stabilize, whether it be in detox/rehab or not, really ask yourself where you want to be in a year/ 5 years/ 10 years, and gradually make smaller goals to accomplish that. Really plan out what you need to do to get to the next level. Don't just have some vague dream and hope something falls into your lap. Without that drive you won't get anywhere. There's a great William S. Burroughs quote stating that junkies shoot junk because they have no motivation in the other direction. I don't know about you, but that certainly rings a bell for me. I'm perfectly content while high no matter what I'm doing, but while sober I'm a nervous, antsy wreck and life is just... uncomfortable. I don't wanna live like that. Another thing that helps me is talking to other people that are either going through it or have been there and have some time under their belt. Not sure how you feel about NA or therapy, but I have a lot of friends who've had success with these. I've always enjoyed meetings, but I didn't particularly get much out of step work. The best thing I can say is just be open-minded and find what works for you.

Good luck and if you ever wanna talk feel free to PM me.

THIS

 

[Fromthisday4th]

I thought I could taper myself off and figure this out but I don’t think I can do it.

I’ve been shooting my entire methadone script and then 5-10 grams of heroin when I can get it (it’s a 2 hour drive each way to my only connection and sometimes we have to drive 3 hours from his house to his plug). About twice a week I’ve been going to get a large quantity and blowing through it.

All of that is kind of irrelevant, the fact of the matter is I think I’m spiraling out of control. I need to stop all drug and alcohol use immediately or I don’t know the depths this is going to reach.

My fear is if I enter rehab right not there is no rapid taper which can adequately help my serious opioid tolerance and I honestly will have to leave treatment to avoid dying. That’s not being dramatic. Regardless even if I survive and stick it out it’s going to be 30 days of torture. But I’m at a point I think it’s necessary to probably save my life. I can’t stop myself and at this point I’m doing irrational things like driving drunk states away to shoot heroin while on large doses of methadone. If I don’t get arrested, crash or overdose I likely won’t live longer. And I have a nice abscess brewing on my arm as well.

I wanted to handle this without torturing myself tapering 10 mg a week to minimize suffering but I don’t think I can do it.

Sporadic alcohol drinking and meth use has been randomly added to the mix randomly a few times a month. Well alcohol almost daily meth use 2/3 times monthly and heroin almost daily.

Do I just go to rehab and fight this battle of hell? Do I try and fix this problem without treatment? I’m basically on autopilot drugs are controlling my every action at this stage I have little say in anything logical or reasonable. I’m
Scared I still want to live but my lifestyle right now is not conductive to anything but terror. I just want my life back.

Your not going to die. You'll feel like you WANT to die if you go cold turkey but your NOT GOING TO DIE. Alcohol and xanax as far as I know are the only death by cold turkey detox... If I'm wrong (readers) I am always willing to learn. But from personal experience I have child turkey detoxed heroin/fentanyl/oxy/methadone (using all at the same time HEAVILY) and rather than wasting another breath on that idea let me tell you about something that will actually WORK. If you have access to methadone I'm guessing you go to a clinic to receive it or you have a Dr prescribing it? If this is the case than you are WAYYYY better off than you think!! The best way to approach your situation is to break if down ...
#1 getting off the drugs
#2 Making your life decisions
I can help with #1 but as I'm sure you know only YOU can decide what you want after your off the junk...
Ok so the whole purpose of methadone is to replace the opiates your current using. You can either use methadone as a too to detox OR you can use it for what's called "maintenance". Because your struggling DON'T TRY TO TAKE ON TOO MUCH where ever you getting the negative from be honest with then and tell them you've been using and that you want your dose adjusted accordingly. Once that happens you can depend dokey on the methadone and detox from everything else without feeling like your rather die. Once you have enough time being "clean" (methadone only) THEN you can begin to tapper off the methadone. That's my advice for the getting off the drugs part.
As for everything else, is up to you if you stay clean.

 

[cowboycurtis]

Yes man. To everything you said. Right now I’m in withdrawal and far from rationale and drunk.

But I’ve been to rehab plenty of times and all it ever did was help me.

Yes it included some horrible sleepless nights but I’ve not had a single bad rehab experience.

The question you ask me - where do you see yourself, is exactly what plays in my mike every time I use drugs.

Is this really who I want to be anymore? And the answer back Is fuck no. I’ve had beautiful women I’ve lost, dream jobs and dream lives I’ve thrown out the window to be high on heroin or other drugs.

I’d rather prosper man trust me
I
Can’t endure this any longer. Expect a Message once I sober up
And
Thank
You from all that is in me for your reply,

No problem dude. I got something out of typing that out too. It's like if someone were to ask me that question about my own life I might not be able to answer, but somehow I can just start spewing words and experiences and advice if we're talking about someone else. And that's kind of what I was talking about as far as talking to other people. You'd be amazed what you find out about yourself when you try to impart some wisdom on someone else. And ya man it's amazing how you can keep all that damage and loss in the periphery while convincing yourself it's all unrelated to your using. I've been doing it for years. I've been doing it so long and lying so long I don't know who I am without being a junkie. I don't know where the lies end and reality starts. It's gonna be a lot of work (and we can't forget that), but I don't wanna live like that anymore.

 

[RedRum OG]

You dont sound like you have much self control. Shooting methadone is the bottom of the barrel, in that regard. Not judging; been there. It's not likely you could do it on your own, but it wont hurt to try

Some harm reduction tips: oral methadone. Legs for days. It's hard, but itll make a big difference to you staying even headed. Try gabapentin or weed for anxiety, pain, and cravings.

I've had literally traumatizing experiences in detox being taken off benzos and opiates improperly. Be careful. Call around, talk to staff at rehabs. See if they are warm and knowledgable, or if they are rushed, tense, "just doing their job". It may be days or even weeks of waiting for phone calls to be returned, waiting for a bed to open. If you cannot reliably answer your phone, or keep on peoples' backs to get answers, find someone who cares who can. It may be embarrassing but it's something many people would love to do.

 

[JessFR]

Sorry if you said this and I missed it, but is there a reason you're being given a methadone script and not supervised methadone dosing?

I'm not saying at all that rehab is a bad idea, I'm just wondering why they're letting you misuse your methadone like this?

These days, if I got a methadone script and could take it however I liked, I'm confident I would be able to control it. But that's only cause if had years of supervised dosing and limited take aways. If I'd been given a methadone prescription and left to my own devices I'd probably have reacted very similarly to you.

I dunno, I was just wondering. I wish you all the best though. I haven't been to rehab myself, just substitution therapy. Closest experience I have to rehab was being in a psychiatric hospital for a month after a suicide attempt. Methadone substitution is what worked for me.

But different approaches work differently for different people of course. Good luck.

 

[deficiT]

My last stint in rehab and the psych ward wasn't too uncomfortable, I actually came out the other side feeling much more confident about myself and less insecure in general. Although still kinda fuckin up and making poor decisions, it was still a learning experience.

If you're going down this road and it's as bad as you say, I'd honestly suggest rehab as soon as you can. It'll suck for a bit, and it's never going to be a perfect healthcare situation, but you'll feel much better after giving your body a break for a bit.

 

[TheInvisibleStoner]

You cannot just stabilize on the methadone, don't use dope, don't drink, etc. And then come down slow?

Cold turkey withdrawals are traumatic. However if you feel that you really cannot only drink your dose, and will continue to use, then rehab is the best option.

Have a feeling you have an easier way out than you think. There is no way to taper methadone even if you have used once in the past 6 months.

I would stabilize up, get your dose as low as possible, then come off that in a rehab. There is no way you could not taper to 20mg or so. That with no other drugs or drink for some time (6 months or so) and the withdrawal will be mild.

Cold turkeying 120mg + that much dope will be brutal. And to be avoided since you seem to have plenty of sense in you. Such a hard withdrawal could damage you as well. And yes, methadone withdrawal can certainly kill you. The deydration and insomnia will kill your body and mind. You would really need to get that dose down before trying.

 

[Phoenix_03]

I cold turkeyed off 120 mg of methadone about 10 years ago and it was one of the most brutal experiences of my life. I could hardly get out of bed for a week straight, yet i got barely any sleep due to the extreme muscle aches and cramps i get when I go withdrawal. (This next part is gross but it illustrates how bad it was.) I got my period at some point that week and i think i maybe used one pad, my pants and sheets were a mess but i did not give a shit. I had no comfort meds at all, alcohol made me extremely nauseous. I tried to smoke a little weed while standing up and after one hit i blacked out and fainted onto the floor. I woke up a minute later feeling like my blood pressure was super low. After one week of misery and the weed incident my SO at the time took me to a detox center where i stayed for 2 weeks. Since i had made it 1 week without methadone so far i wasn’t going to be able to give a dirty urine to get in, so i scored 10 methadone tablets(10 mg each) to take right before going. The sweet relief those pills gave...ooohh man. Anyway, you had to pay ahead of time to receive the suboxone taper there (which I didn’t know), otherwise you just got night meds to sleep and a benzo if your heart rate was elevated (people would be in the bathrooms sprinting from one end to the other trying to get their heart pumping right before going to get checked). I have a naturally low BP and heart rate so i never got any. The sleeping meds helped me get some much needed rest though, and being around others going through it and talking about it helped a lot. It was probably another few weeks to a month after i got out before i felt 100% back to normal. I could have died trying to get off such a high dose without medical supervision. I would absolutely advise you seek treatment at a rehab or detox center if you want to get clean. If you have access to methadone try to taper yourself down as low as you can stand before going, to at least make it more bearable. I know this thread is a few weeks old, so I hope you’re doing well. Be safe.