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Need Help Trying to quit again

FresnoSun

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 16, 2017
Messages
35
I was here a few years ago for my opioid problem, I did ok for a while but I’m in trouble again.

I want to stop but I can’t control myself when I have access all the time and I’ll have more Saturday and I’m afraid I’m going to take some.
My health issues have gotten worse, I need back surgery but I’m too afraid to have it done and I’m the sole caretaker of my mother.

A few years ago I tried to stop when I realized it was taking over my thoughts and my life. I was able to taper off and didn’t take anything for a couple months then was able to take 1 or 2 a week when the pain was too bad without problems for a couple years. It felt so good not to think about them 24/7 but I took more and more for the back pain and I had a tooth abscess and was hospitalized, had surgery and had lockjaw for about a month and I got so much pain med it wasn’t too long until it was everyday again. The past year I haven’t been taking as much at a time as I was before and I’ve usually been using for about 3 weeks tapering off the last couple days then wait a week to get more without feeling too bad.

Up until last month I only used oxycodone but I started taking mscontin. I tapered down to my last dose of 15mg yesterday and I don’t feel too bad except for some stomach problems and a little anxiety and depression. I don’t know if the withdrawal is different because its extended release, I was crushing them though.

Even if I stop filling my prescriptions I still have access because my mother is prescribed a lot and I take care of all her meds and sometimes she doesn’t need them all when it’s time so there are leftover and when I’m having trouble walking or anything from the pain she tells me to take one of mine or one of her extras if I don’t have any.

Sometimes the pain is so bad I don’t care but I end up making excuses and taking some when I know I could get by with Tylenol and ibuprofen. Sometimes I tell myself I need some so I can go do the chores that need to be done because there is nobody else that can do it.
My mother’s health is worse and my whole situation is worse and it’s nice to take a pill and not feel so bad for a while.
I’ve been smoking a lot of cannabis the past couple years, it helped me when I tried to stop the first time. I smoke so much now I don’t get very high anymore but I can’t stop myself with that either but I tell myself it’s not bad like taking pills and it helps me sleep.

I don’t know what to do, it’s starting to take over my thoughts again. I make plans based on if I’ll have pills left, whenever I leave house all I can think of is getting home to take some.

Sorry for the huge rambling post, I feel lost again
I don’t have anybody I can talk to about it but hopefully typing this will help me do something instead of just making excuses in my mind.
 

Pumpkin2021

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 25, 2021
Messages
1,632
Location
Michigan
Psychological addiction to the high ( and escape ) is a big bad bitch. She was on my back for almost 20 years. Made every excuse in the world to let her stick around and control my every thought. My every action. My every mood.

Like you said, you can control your pain with OTC drugs. But those don't feel good. No warm fuzzies. So when you have the good stuff at your disposal why take the crap when you can Go Ask Alice !!

I feel for ya man, I really do. Those moreish whoreish opioids got their claws into me too and I had to fight like hell to kick her to the curb. Once and for all.

Re-read your post every single day. Keep reading it and make it a post it note if you have to. What you just wrote is all you need to know because you already know that you hate that bitch. You just don't hate the pills enough yet. I hope you can learn to.

Only hard part is that they are right in your face every day. When I quit there were zero pills in the house. But even if you stop refilling your script, you still have your Mom's staring you in the face.

Be strong. Take charge. Breathe. Be nice to yourself. See if you can slow down a bit and see how you feel. Good luck !!
 

FresnoSun

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 16, 2017
Messages
35
Thank you for your reply

I think you’re right about rereading my post helping.
When I logged back in for the first time I checked the first post I wrote here and I started crying and couldn’t finish reading it.
I can’t believe I let it happen again.

I’m so scared for Saturday. Hopefully posting here will help, I want to be able to post that I made without giving in.

I’ve been having trouble shivering if I get even a little bit cold, hopefully that won’t last long. Even though it’s very hot I have to take a sweater everywhere I go, shopping in the freezer section is the worst.

The depression really gets to me to, it’s probably the main reason I start again. I know it’ll get better but that doesn’t seem to make it any easier.
 

Pumpkin2021

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 25, 2021
Messages
1,632
Location
Michigan
Yes....keep posting. Post away. Everyone on here is on your side. Some are still where you are and some have gotten past it. Don't feel ashamed or guilty. I let the pills control me too. Far longer than I wanted to so no shame okay?

I'm clean and I still freeze my ass off in the chilled grocery aisles. Not totally clean ( I take kratom ) but I know what you mean about feeling constantly cold while in WD. When I told the pills to take a hike it was Winter here with 3 feet of snow on the ground and temps as low as 0 F. And I had to take my dog out at least 4 times a day ( no fenced yard ). I think I just stood there like a statue and let her do her thing. I damn sure know I was not frolicking around with her. One and only time I wished I had an ankle biter and could do one of those pee pad things.

Keep posting and try and just cut down if you are not totally ready to give them up for good. Start taking the OTC pain relievers here and there and save the pharms for more severe pain. I pictured myself popping pills for the rest of my life and it took me a while to get that picture out of my head. I still miss the warm fuzzies, no question, but i don't miss where my life was when I was addicted to them. We are here for ya. <3
 

FresnoSun

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 16, 2017
Messages
35
I don’t know if it’s different because it was the extended release but the WD seems worse than when I was just using oxycodone.

Last night was bad, had restless legs and couldn’t hardly sleep. I haven’t been like that in years, my thighs are sore from moving so much. Ive been really emotional and find myself crying throughout the day over little things.

I wish I would have stopped one of the many times I went a week without and got through it without too much trouble.
Just typing that out made me realize that’s been one of my excuses to keep starting again, I just tell myself I got through it so it’ll be easy whenever I want to stop.

Thank you for your replies

It’s nice to have a place like this, I’ve never told anybody about any of this except what I’ve posted here. It feels good to share here and I don’t feel so alone going through this. Now I’m crying again lol.
 

Pumpkin2021

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 25, 2021
Messages
1,632
Location
Michigan
Cry all you want. Ever notice how good it feels after a good cry ( besides all the snot coming out of our nose ) and besides there is no shame in crying. As far a sthe severity of your WD's the MS Contin MIGHT be making it a little worse than just plain oxy. Oxy and morphine are different and IR's and XR' s are too.



Is there any gabapentin in the house? Or Lyrica? That would really help your RLS at night and let you sleep. If you only take it at night and stay under 600 mg doses, I don't think you will have any issues after your WD if you stop taking them. I would also say 1 mg of a benzo would help but I have trouble recommending benzos. Benzos are a slippery slope but I know they can help when struggling in opioid WD. Stick to 1 mg doses for no longer than 7 days ( physical WD will be over in 7 days ) but just remember your mind is going to scream for much longer than that. Quitting was easy for me. Quitting for good was the hardest thing my mind has ever done. Thank fuck that is finally over :ROFLMAO:

Anyway....stay strong and post often so that you can get all the input and support that you need.<3
 

FresnoSun

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 16, 2017
Messages
35
I’m scared, I don’t want to do this again but I don’t know how I’m gonna stop myself. I’m already making excuses in my mind to take a little oxy for a few days and go through that WD because it seemed easier.

I know WD can cause depression but I’ve never felt this bad before. I wish I could take just enough for short taper and then have no access. I’ve gotten past a week before and not much craving by using a lot of cannabis but I’m always around them. When they’re not around and you have no way of getting any it’s easier to stop thinking about them but when there’s a bottle sitting in the other room it’s pretty hard.
 

FresnoSun

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 16, 2017
Messages
35
A lot of things in my life have been worse, especially the past year. I think I’ve been using more to deal with it and that might be why I feel so much worse this time.

I hate this, I know it’s just gonna make things worse and I’ll hate myself but I can’t control it. I wish I was stronger, I know my WD are nowhere near as bad as what of lot people here went through.

I used to have benzos around, I‘ve only taken .50 mg once try and sleep but they’re not around anymore.
 

Pumpkin2021

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 25, 2021
Messages
1,632
Location
Michigan
I feel ya man. Opioids were my favorite. They cure depression and anxiety. Only problem is when use gets out of hand they cause more depression and anxiety because deep inside we know we are abusing the meds. And we don't like ourselves for doing it. Then comes the shame and the guilt and we use more to dampen those feelings.

Vicious circle indeed. I know what you are going through. The mental battle is real and only you can say enough is enough.

I would absolutely NOT trust myself if someone plopped a bottle of oxy in my lap right now. No way, no how. It has to zero pills in my face and no access at all. It's the only way. It has always been all or nothing with me my whole life and I just can't be trusted, it's that simple.

You will either say enough is enough or continue to abuse pills. There is no other way. Our wills is all we have to fight our addictions. It is all on us. There isn't another soul in the whole wide world that can do it for us.

Stay strong. <3
 

VerbalTruist

Moderator: H&R, MH, DC
Staff member
Joined
Oct 15, 2004
Messages
10,098
Location
PNW
You gotta know that addiction, full stop, is a very difficult thing to deal with. There are plenty of resources out there that could be helpful. I would recommend finding people you can talk to about it. Obviously, we're here, but we aren't always able to answer.

Something that I was told in rehab and from subsequent addiction doctors & counselors since is: "Everybody relapses." That isn't to say that you will fully relapse everytime. When you become aware of the behaviors that trigger your use, you notice that you are on the road to relapsing. For example, I begin to isolate and remove myself from life stuff. I notice that I will tell lies for no reason. Those are very solid relapse indicators for me. When I recognize the behaviors I try to stop them. Sometimes, I'm not always successful. I have more than 10 years off opiates (except the occasional bout of maintenance for stability). I know that if I use an opiate again, I'll lose everything I hold dear and important to me.
 

chinup

Moderator: H&R, EADD
Staff member
Joined
Aug 1, 2010
Messages
6,107
Location
Greatest city on Earth
I notice that I will tell lies for no reason.
i do this. it really bugs me. when i first got out of rehab i was convinced i would relapse if i even told a white lie. then i ended up in a situation where i basically had to lie and my honesty and general abstinence has gone down big time since then.

OP a lot of that talk i see as self hating and beating yourself up. now, don't beat yourself up and hate yourself for me poitning that out (though that's exactly what i do so i know its easier said than done).

when progress is so slow it does make the eventual goal of happy, healthy recovery more difficult to work towards but i promise you its worth it. my time doing complete abstinence was the best time i've had, mental health wise,ever. i'm trying to work to gettng there again. what help are you getting? it sounds like you are facing a lot of really diffcult stuff outside of the addiction. you will have much better chances of getting into long term recovery if you get some irl support, meetings, therapists, drug services, everything you can find.
 

n3ophy7e

Moderator: TDS, H&R, MH
Staff member
Joined
Apr 30, 2006
Messages
30,913
Location
Dex's room
VerbalTruist said:
I notice that I will tell lies for no reason.
i do this. it really bugs me.
I was a pathological liar for most of my life. I lied so much that it just came naturally and half the time I didn't realise I was lying. I honestly thought that no one could tell and that I was a great liar.
Anyway about a year ago I got "clean" of lying. Now I make a point to myself to be really mindful of it and if I am about to say something that is even embellished in the slightest, I stop and think "is this REALLY the truth??", and rephrase whatever I was going to say, to make it the absolute truth. It's surprisingly hard sometimes.
 

FresnoSun

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 16, 2017
Messages
35
Thanks for the replies

The last few days I’ve taken an average of 20mg daily. I‘ve been taking them 5mg at a time so I don’t really feel them except helping my pain some.
I‘m taking a pretty low amount but I think I’ll still taper a little, maybe 10mg for a couple days then 5mg for a couple days.
I should have stopped when I had made it a few days but at least I kept myself from from going crazy. A couple times I almost said fuck it and just took more but I’m glad I didn’t.
 

FresnoSun

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 16, 2017
Messages
35
I’ve been ashamed to post because I’ve been using more again.

It’s been a bad month, been dealing with a lot and I lost one of my oldest pets and I starting taking more again.
I’ve tapered down the past few days and want to keep working at it. I’ve been feeling bad from the lower dose but I always dread finally stopping even when I taper down really low. I hate the anxiety and depression, it gets worse every time. I’m crying all the time and it’s hard to hide it sometimes.
I need to find some way to occupy my mind but I can’t focus on anything.
 

n3ophy7e

Moderator: TDS, H&R, MH
Staff member
Joined
Apr 30, 2006
Messages
30,913
Location
Dex's room
I’ve been ashamed to post because I’ve been using more again.

It’s been a bad month, been dealing with a lot and I lost one of my oldest pets and I starting taking more again.
I’ve tapered down the past few days and want to keep working at it. I’ve been feeling bad from the lower dose but I always dread finally stopping even when I taper down really low. I hate the anxiety and depression, it gets worse every time. I’m crying all the time and it’s hard to hide it sometimes.
I need to find some way to occupy my mind but I can’t focus on anything.
Please don't ever feel ashamed to post here, about wins or fails or anything in between. This is a safe space for support. A LOT of us here have been through exactly what you're going through, you are not alone in this <3
I cannot even tell you how many times I tried and failed at getting clean and sober before it really stuck and I had some success. It would have to be literally HUNDREDS of failures before I got it right. But the main thing is that you always keep trying.
It sounds like you really need some professional help with your depression and anxiety though. Would you see a therapist??
 

FresnoSun

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 16, 2017
Messages
35
Sorry it’s been so long since I posted
I kind of think I’d want to try therapy, I know I’m having trouble but I don’t feel comfortable telling my doctor.
I think I’d have a hard time finding somebody I’d feel comfortable opening up to.

I’ve been tapering pretty low the last couple days so I’ve already been feeling bad but I ran out. I know a lot of it’s in my head but as soon as I took my last dose my anxiety went through the roof. The sweats and chills get pretty bad sometimes, I’m always shivering. I have to go shopping later so I’m going to buy some vitamins and Gatorade and some bland food. I’ll pick up some loperamide but I’m just going to use as directed for a few days. I have tons of weed to smoke, it doesn’t seem to help much but I think It’s because I’ve been smoking so much as I’ve been tapering. I’m sure I’d feel a lot worse if I didn’t have it though.

I wish I could just just stay in bed all day but I don’t have anybody to help take care of everything. I have to take care of all the animals and cook all the meals and everything. I think I’m gonna order a pizza tonight so I don’t have to cook.

Anybody have any tips for dealing with anxiety during withdrawal?
 

FresnoSun

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 16, 2017
Messages
35
This restless legs stuff sucks, never had it this bad before.

My main problem is that even if I make it through this I don’t know how I’m going to control myself when I’m going to have access all the time.
I don’t know what I can do to minimize the temptation, there is nobody else to take charge of the meds.
 
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