Malpal0217
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jun 23, 2019
- Messages
- 11
I wrote this because I couldn't speak without breaking down someone of it probably won't make sense to you but I hope it's relatable in some way
So I guess it started with quitting at taco johns. This is how my addiction snuck it's way back into my life .
I quit taco John's because I no longer got the satisfaction of working and making money for myself I guess. Without me even realizing it my depression and addiction was coming back and starting it's path of destruction one small step at a time. I quit thinking everything would be cool I'll find another job or something. But after the first 2 days of motivation I found myself in my bed for almost the whole day. Sleeping 3 hours after being awake for an hour because it made the time go by faster. In the beginning I didn't really think anything of it I still ate and went outside for an occasional cig.
Part 2- No one told me
I knew it wasn't gonna be easy and that's what everyone told me. No one told me that everyday tasks would be a reminder of when I was a full blow junkie. No one said doing the dishes would trigger flashbacks. NO ONE said that after trying to have a semi normal day would my head hit the pillow and tears fill my eyes. NO ONE said that sleep would be terrifying and exhausting. They said it would be hard. They said I was strong enough to stay clean and turn my life around, but still NO ONE told me I would feel like I'm drowning no matter how hard I forgot to swim to the top.
Part 3- old habits
I never thought I would be 100% sober. I thought I could live without the dope but when you become pregnant right after you decide "I wanna get my shit together" all other coping methods are out of the picture. Alcohol, weed and pills are out of the question now. So all known coping methods are banned when they seemed harmless.
I took 7 sips of beer
I smoked weed once
Because I do not know how to handle reality without the option to alter it when needed
***2 months off meth and this is not how I pictured I would be. I thought I could never go back to my old ways. It seemed impossible as I described it to everyone. I feel blind, to not have seen all of these things happening to me. To not have seen myself slipping thinking it was normal
It scares me to think i had control over my addiction. What was I thinking? Cause here I am back at 0 days thinking I had it all under control.
Part 4- the emotions and relapse
A few days before day 0 the suttle jokes about crystal meth were said at random times. A lunch date with a "sober friend " was spent reminiscing of all the times we were high and the crazy things we did almost as if she missed them a bit to much. The only way to drown out the voices saying remember being high then that night was to non stop talk till he was asleep and then blare music in my ears till the voices to grew tired. The voices love when I sleep because then I have a front row seat to watch everything I wish to forget made 200x worse with no intermission till morning . Don't worry about bathroom breaks during the "movie" they will hit pause and pick right up where you left off before you woke up. I sleep to escape my uncontrollable desire for drugs. Yet I forget that when I go to sleep the real nightmare begins. Summed up basically the last 2 weeks leading up to my relapse i didn't see any red flags to what I was getting myself into again.
∆ the day of the relapse ∆
It definitely wasn't apart of the plan. It was Friday that meant he was gonna get home early and everything felt okay and not terrible when he was around. I raced out to the car to go see him after watching out the window for 10 minutes. I wanted a cheese burger so he got me a cheeseburger and we went home happy like the night would be like most nights. I was still hungry so I got the quarters sat on the couch and said I wanted another burger and 40 seconds later I have no memory of how it tuned into my fingers typing to my drug dealer. A joke became a serious debate and now an umreal obsession. in less than 10 minutes the words that we're comitmg out of my mouth turned into a plan. It seems like a dream talking about it and that it didn't really happen because from the time we got home from mcdonalds to when I was home from ottumwa I have very slight memory. The only thing making it real was the vomit. My body and mind overwhelmed with the reality of shooting meth again was just enough to force every bit of food out of me. Returning home the rest of the puke somehow made it's way in the sink and toilet because with a qrt and a fresh packet of rigs it was happening. I was giving up on being strong. After sitting and staring at him play video games and praying that my umborn childs heart was still beating the only thing I could do was stop myself from balling my eyes out and give in to depression. The numbness of addiction was back. The powerful feeling of suicide was lingering in my head because as I watch him play his video games I realize I fucked up. I threw away 2 months of him and I rebuilding what was broken . He didn't want this but how could he say no to me when all he wants is for me to be happy.
So I guess it started with quitting at taco johns. This is how my addiction snuck it's way back into my life .
I quit taco John's because I no longer got the satisfaction of working and making money for myself I guess. Without me even realizing it my depression and addiction was coming back and starting it's path of destruction one small step at a time. I quit thinking everything would be cool I'll find another job or something. But after the first 2 days of motivation I found myself in my bed for almost the whole day. Sleeping 3 hours after being awake for an hour because it made the time go by faster. In the beginning I didn't really think anything of it I still ate and went outside for an occasional cig.
Part 2- No one told me
I knew it wasn't gonna be easy and that's what everyone told me. No one told me that everyday tasks would be a reminder of when I was a full blow junkie. No one said doing the dishes would trigger flashbacks. NO ONE said that after trying to have a semi normal day would my head hit the pillow and tears fill my eyes. NO ONE said that sleep would be terrifying and exhausting. They said it would be hard. They said I was strong enough to stay clean and turn my life around, but still NO ONE told me I would feel like I'm drowning no matter how hard I forgot to swim to the top.
Part 3- old habits
I never thought I would be 100% sober. I thought I could live without the dope but when you become pregnant right after you decide "I wanna get my shit together" all other coping methods are out of the picture. Alcohol, weed and pills are out of the question now. So all known coping methods are banned when they seemed harmless.
I took 7 sips of beer
I smoked weed once
Because I do not know how to handle reality without the option to alter it when needed
***2 months off meth and this is not how I pictured I would be. I thought I could never go back to my old ways. It seemed impossible as I described it to everyone. I feel blind, to not have seen all of these things happening to me. To not have seen myself slipping thinking it was normal
It scares me to think i had control over my addiction. What was I thinking? Cause here I am back at 0 days thinking I had it all under control.
Part 4- the emotions and relapse
A few days before day 0 the suttle jokes about crystal meth were said at random times. A lunch date with a "sober friend " was spent reminiscing of all the times we were high and the crazy things we did almost as if she missed them a bit to much. The only way to drown out the voices saying remember being high then that night was to non stop talk till he was asleep and then blare music in my ears till the voices to grew tired. The voices love when I sleep because then I have a front row seat to watch everything I wish to forget made 200x worse with no intermission till morning . Don't worry about bathroom breaks during the "movie" they will hit pause and pick right up where you left off before you woke up. I sleep to escape my uncontrollable desire for drugs. Yet I forget that when I go to sleep the real nightmare begins. Summed up basically the last 2 weeks leading up to my relapse i didn't see any red flags to what I was getting myself into again.
∆ the day of the relapse ∆
It definitely wasn't apart of the plan. It was Friday that meant he was gonna get home early and everything felt okay and not terrible when he was around. I raced out to the car to go see him after watching out the window for 10 minutes. I wanted a cheese burger so he got me a cheeseburger and we went home happy like the night would be like most nights. I was still hungry so I got the quarters sat on the couch and said I wanted another burger and 40 seconds later I have no memory of how it tuned into my fingers typing to my drug dealer. A joke became a serious debate and now an umreal obsession. in less than 10 minutes the words that we're comitmg out of my mouth turned into a plan. It seems like a dream talking about it and that it didn't really happen because from the time we got home from mcdonalds to when I was home from ottumwa I have very slight memory. The only thing making it real was the vomit. My body and mind overwhelmed with the reality of shooting meth again was just enough to force every bit of food out of me. Returning home the rest of the puke somehow made it's way in the sink and toilet because with a qrt and a fresh packet of rigs it was happening. I was giving up on being strong. After sitting and staring at him play video games and praying that my umborn childs heart was still beating the only thing I could do was stop myself from balling my eyes out and give in to depression. The numbness of addiction was back. The powerful feeling of suicide was lingering in my head because as I watch him play his video games I realize I fucked up. I threw away 2 months of him and I rebuilding what was broken . He didn't want this but how could he say no to me when all he wants is for me to be happy.