Truth

[Malpal0217]

I wrote this because I couldn't speak without breaking down someone of it probably won't make sense to you but I hope it's relatable in some way

So I guess it started with quitting at taco johns. This is how my addiction snuck it's way back into my life .
I quit taco John's because I no longer got the satisfaction of working and making money for myself I guess. Without me even realizing it my depression and addiction was coming back and starting it's path of destruction one small step at a time. I quit thinking everything would be cool I'll find another job or something. But after the first 2 days of motivation I found myself in my bed for almost the whole day. Sleeping 3 hours after being awake for an hour because it made the time go by faster. In the beginning I didn't really think anything of it I still ate and went outside for an occasional cig.

Part 2- No one told me
I knew it wasn't gonna be easy and that's what everyone told me. No one told me that everyday tasks would be a reminder of when I was a full blow junkie. No one said doing the dishes would trigger flashbacks. NO ONE said that after trying to have a semi normal day would my head hit the pillow and tears fill my eyes. NO ONE said that sleep would be terrifying and exhausting. They said it would be hard. They said I was strong enough to stay clean and turn my life around, but still NO ONE told me I would feel like I'm drowning no matter how hard I forgot to swim to the top.

Part 3- old habits
I never thought I would be 100% sober. I thought I could live without the dope but when you become pregnant right after you decide "I wanna get my shit together" all other coping methods are out of the picture. Alcohol, weed and pills are out of the question now. So all known coping methods are banned when they seemed harmless.
I took 7 sips of beer
I smoked weed once
Because I do not know how to handle reality without the option to alter it when needed
***2 months off meth and this is not how I pictured I would be. I thought I could never go back to my old ways. It seemed impossible as I described it to everyone. I feel blind, to not have seen all of these things happening to me. To not have seen myself slipping thinking it was normal
It scares me to think i had control over my addiction. What was I thinking? Cause here I am back at 0 days thinking I had it all under control.


Part 4- the emotions and relapse
A few days before day 0 the suttle jokes about crystal meth were said at random times. A lunch date with a "sober friend " was spent reminiscing of all the times we were high and the crazy things we did almost as if she missed them a bit to much. The only way to drown out the voices saying remember being high then that night was to non stop talk till he was asleep and then blare music in my ears till the voices to grew tired. The voices love when I sleep because then I have a front row seat to watch everything I wish to forget made 200x worse with no intermission till morning . Don't worry about bathroom breaks during the "movie" they will hit pause and pick right up where you left off before you woke up. I sleep to escape my uncontrollable desire for drugs. Yet I forget that when I go to sleep the real nightmare begins. Summed up basically the last 2 weeks leading up to my relapse i didn't see any red flags to what I was getting myself into again.

∆ the day of the relapse ∆
It definitely wasn't apart of the plan. It was Friday that meant he was gonna get home early and everything felt okay and not terrible when he was around. I raced out to the car to go see him after watching out the window for 10 minutes. I wanted a cheese burger so he got me a cheeseburger and we went home happy like the night would be like most nights. I was still hungry so I got the quarters sat on the couch and said I wanted another burger and 40 seconds later I have no memory of how it tuned into my fingers typing to my drug dealer. A joke became a serious debate and now an umreal obsession. in less than 10 minutes the words that we're comitmg out of my mouth turned into a plan. It seems like a dream talking about it and that it didn't really happen because from the time we got home from mcdonalds to when I was home from ottumwa I have very slight memory. The only thing making it real was the vomit. My body and mind overwhelmed with the reality of shooting meth again was just enough to force every bit of food out of me. Returning home the rest of the puke somehow made it's way in the sink and toilet because with a qrt and a fresh packet of rigs it was happening. I was giving up on being strong. After sitting and staring at him play video games and praying that my umborn childs heart was still beating the only thing I could do was stop myself from balling my eyes out and give in to depression. The numbness of addiction was back. The powerful feeling of suicide was lingering in my head because as I watch him play his video games I realize I fucked up. I threw away 2 months of him and I rebuilding what was broken . He didn't want this but how could he say no to me when all he wants is for me to be happy.

 

[Oleander]

Hi mal! I skimmed through your post because it was a little long, but I think I have an idea of what you were trying to say. It’s ok if you relapsed. It happens to so many of us, and I also want to say it’s ok if you relapsed and you’re pregnant. I can’t imagine how you feel because I don’t have children and have never been pregnant, but I’m sure the guilt is tremendous. I’m letting you know these things happen but I also want you to realize one thing too: if you want to keep your baby in your life when they’re born you need to stop using and continue staying clean. I know many women who have lost their children, some more than one, from drug use, and are fighting to get them back and it’s a long and difficult road not only for you, for your child and family as well. I dont wish that upon anyone because families being torn apart because of addiction is terrible (I grew up with this) and you don’t want your son/daughter to end up in foster care because you couldn’t stay clean. I don’t want you to feel bad about what I’m saying (and I’m sure you already knew all this) I just want it to be a reminder maybe to remember why your getting clean, not only for your baby, but yourself too. Your worth it.

 

[Mafioso]

Without me even realizing it my depression and addiction was coming back and starting it's path of destruction one small step at a time.

No one told me
I knew it wasn't gonna be easy and that's what everyone told me. No one told me that everyday tasks would be a reminder of when I was a full blow junkie. No one said doing the dishes would trigger flashbacks. NO ONE said that after trying to have a semi normal day would my head hit the pillow and tears fill my eyes. NO ONE said that sleep would be terrifying and exhausting. They said it would be hard. They said I was strong enough to stay clean and turn my life around, but still NO ONE told me I would feel like I'm drowning no matter how hard I forgot to swim to the top.

People often tend to highlight to positives and try to kick some of the down sides under the couch, at least when it comes to being in recovery from drug addiction. Even more so when trying to inspire others. I catch myself with very similar thoughts, as I struggle to fall asleep, stay asleep, cope with nightmares, and anxiety. I start feeling angry and bitter towards my loved ones that criticize my drug behavior without fully understanding the reasons behind my desires to use a substance to change my mental state.

There was definitely hedonistic motives, purely driven by the enjoyment of pleasurable things, but a lot of it was because I didn't have a better way to deal with these things- not that drugs were a better way, just that they seemed to be. In hindsight, drugs helped in the short-term but hurt in the long-term.

I thought I could never go back to my old ways. It seemed impossible as I described it to everyone. I feel blind, to not have seen all of these things happening to me.

The mistake is in thinking that relapse couldn't happen to you. It's a very easy mistake to make, and very common one at that. The brain is complex organ, and there are parts of it that the self isn't fully aware of. The brain will always crave things that stimulate neurotransmission, even despite knowing that the behavior is risky and being aware of wanting to stop taking the risk.

Truth is, that way made sense to you once before, despite consequences, and it can make "sense" again given the right amount of confusion.

To not have seen myself slipping thinking it was normal
It scares me to think i had control over my addiction. What was I thinking?

I'm guessing you felt like you were finally acting on the thoughts about getting clean for a long time, and felt so good at the time, it seemed crazy that you might go back to the drug that brought so much trouble into your life.

In truth, the signs where there, at least from the story you describe. Avoiding relapse, imo, isn't about having super strong willpower or being a good person. Avoiding relapse and staying sober is more about learning to recognize the signs of relapse in yourself before it turns into a full-blown relapse.

Before we physically relapse on the drug, we tend to relapse into old behaviors and coping mechanisms that led us to drug use to begin with. It sounds like you are pretty well aware of what your red flags are, but were in denial/overconfident about them, so you decided to not do anything about them. This is pretty much par for the course, and a lesson that tends to be learned the hard way by most who know it.

A few days before day 0 the suttle jokes about crystal meth were said at random times. A lunch date with a "sober friend " was spent reminiscing of all the times we were high and the crazy things we did almost as if she missed them a bit to much

This sounds like magical thinking combined with romanticizing. These are just 2 types of distorted thinking that is very prevalent in the recently sober. I imagine that when you were talking about how great it was, you were picturing your relapse to be a lot more enjoyable. By realizing that you are not thinking rationally, and being familiar with common types of cognitive distortions, you can start to recognize these types of mind tricks you play on yourself before it's too late. It seems like you knew this was going to be a bad experience prior to it happening, yet you were still able to convince yourself otherwise, partly through these types of distortions.

Summed up basically the last 2 weeks leading up to my relapse i didn't see any red flags to what I was getting myself into again.

Do you think that you didn't see them, or that you saw them and ignored them? Because it would seem to me that if you truly didn't see any of them, things wouldn't be as clear to you as they are... you are able to list your red flags/triggers pretty well, which is a very good thing.

A joke became a serious debate and now an umreal obsession. in less than 10 minutes the words that we're comitmg out of my mouth turned into a plan.

Believe it or not, it's still not too late at this stage to do a self-intervention. You could buy it and then flush it down the toilet if you are afraid to break appt with the dealer. The physical cravings will pass in a matter of minutes, yet it feels like hours.

He didn't want this but how could he say no to me when all he wants is for me to be happy.

Is he the father? If so... I think it's time to have a serious talk with him.

 

[neversickanymore]

Hey Malpal.. look at the cycle of addiction. It shows how our cognition is effected. When we learn how recognize this we can try to move into manipulating it.