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To trust or not to trust...

I

iamtha1

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Joined
Oct 29, 2004
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1,566
(On advice I've made this a new thread and not just as a Singles thread post) :)

Ooooo, let's have a discussion....... about trust. :D

I'm interested to know how people deal with their own trust issues and does this halt them in a relationship? Are there some people that trust easily and deeply? Others that just cant - is this the reason why they are not in a relationship? Are there those that are in a relationship but still find they can't trust? How does one rebuild trust?

I've been thinking about it a lot lately because I realise it is really really hard for me to trust people. Possibly hindering my chances to have any kind of relationship. I had lunch with a friend today and she commented that I'll happily tell her what's been going on, stories, the laughs, likes and dislikes but there will come a point where I will close off. In her words, "You only tell me stuff that you wouldn't care if I told someone else" Damn straight.

Yes, I have been hurt in love, but I think the trust issues were already under the surface before all this. Maybe I was just born wary? In comparison, my cousin who is 10 years older then me - falls in love, gets hurt, trusts again, falls in love, gets hurt, trusts again.... the cycle goes on. I find it really interesting how people can be so different.

So, are you a hopeless romantic and can't help trusting? Why? Or the other way? Tell! To generate more discussion, do you have different trust issues with friends and or relationships?
 
trust....

trust is an interesting one with me...

if you are a friend, you are given my trust straight away...

if you are a girlfriend, you must earn my trust...

i've been hurt far too many times in the past in relationships by trusting, then having that trust abused.

but with friends, happy to offer trust first up... but once its broken, i cut off the friendship.. (cause if you can't trust a mate, he's not a mate..)
 
i'm pretty much in the middle ground, so don't have much to add to the discussion sorry :\

was wondering though, what people's preferences would be if it was a choice of the extremes, to trust easily or to be overly wary?

i think i'd choose trusting easily. i've always preferred to take a risk than miss a chance.
 
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Sometimes I tosss up between the fundimentals of trust til it has been broken and trust that has to be earned.

I dont know how I decide in the first place? Instinct maybe, but if it has to be earnt in the first place, does that make for a rocky relationship? Or do you just cover up the fact that your making them earn it? And does that mean you have insecurities yourself?

Yes, there is once bitten, twice shy.... I really dont know where im going so I'll leave it at that
 
I used to get really upset when people abused my trust and it kind of shook my faith in humanity a lot. However I don't really have it in me to shut people out - I tried that and it made me miserable.

In the end I went for a policy of total exposure. I present myself now to the world warts and all, as it makes it hard for people to use your weaknesses or failings against you when the whole world already knows about them anyway.

In addition, the friendships I have now are so much stronger than they were previously...sure, there will always be assholes who want to take advantage of you, but as joannie said I'd rather take a risk than let it pass me by.

I'd rather be hurt every now and then than not have the bond that I have with my close friends because I was scared to let them in.
 
i'd consider myself on the wary end of the spectrum, but i try hard to use my judgement on an ad hoc type basis, to try and minimise the detrimental affect it has on personal relationships.

that being said, i think on the whole i haven't been successful with that, and it's led to a few of my friends/acquaintances getting the impression that i am a lot more cold and detached than i actually am.

being naturally quite introverted, i've had to train myself to open up to people, to give them something so that they in turn can give something back to me....and it hasn't always been easy.

that being said, i'm usually a pretty good judge of characters, and even from watching a few friends act in a manner i've considered "too trusting" with certain people, and consequently things fucking up for them, i've realised a lot of my intuition is worth placing stock by. :)

so yeah - i guess i do exercise wariness, and this is something that i'd like to maintain, but for me it's a matter of being able to reveal more of yourself to the people who do deserve it and that you do respect, rather than just using the wariness to filter everybody out. :)
 
I find that now I'm alot more warey of who i trust, I used to be able to trust people very easy but then i kinda got involved with the wrong people and that gave me a totaly reality cheak of who i could trust and what 'trust' really is all about.

Now im very choosey of who i trust and generally if i see them to be a good faithfull friend at first it will still take a while for me to gain compleete trust in that person, whereas before it was, have a few beers and I'm ya best mate kinda thing.

I guess some of us learn that if we get hurt our trust is harder to gain by other people and our emotionall barriers harder to break, where as some people will just take a chance even if it is more probabbly they will get hurt again.

I find now that if my trust is broken, it is quite hard to gain back and they will have to show me they are worthy of being a real friend and know not to break my trust again, as before if someone broke my trust i guess i would just shrug it off and forget about it and thats what got me into the shit.
 
I'm quite private, and have few people with whom I'll share many details of my actions and recent experiences, issues etc.
Takes a while for me to decide whom I feel comfortable speaking details around.

Other people I tend to be more reserved around. This includes most close friends.
As mp states, introversion is a big one here.
 
Raz said:
In the end I went for a policy of total exposure. I present myself now to the world warts and all, as it makes it hard for people to use your weaknesses or failings against you when the whole world already knows about them anyway.
Click to expand...

total exposure... i like that.
i am also like this.
sure, not trusting anybody will prevent pain, but it will also prevent happiness. to not trust anyobdy, for me, is an especially lonely state of affairs.
 
^agreed... id rather offer my whole self and have no regrets, than live in fear and with regret and the notion that i could have done or been more... if people abuse it, i cut them off immediately, otherwise, i have no problems...

...kytnism...:|
 
I replied in the singles thread ;).

So,I guess people can look there.I couldn't be bothered to repeat myself.
 
i used 2 trust ppl, i think 2 easily, but i hav learnt 2 b more sensibly wary.......i tend 2 find it hard not 2 tell my closest mates evrything, just cos id feel like a fake if i didnt offer them my true self and i hate them hiding stuff from me
 
iamtha1 said:
(On advice I've made this a new thread and not just as a Singles thread post) :)

Ooooo, let's have a discussion....... about trust. :D

I'm interested to know how people deal with their own trust issues and does this halt them in a relationship? Are there some people that trust easily and deeply? Others that just cant - is this the reason why they are not in a relationship? Are there those that are in a relationship but still find they can't trust? How does one rebuild trust?

I've been thinking about it a lot lately because I realise it is really really hard for me to trust people. Possibly hindering my chances to have any kind of relationship. I had lunch with a friend today and she commented that I'll happily tell her what's been going on, stories, the laughs, likes and dislikes but there will come a point where I will close off. In her words, "You only tell me stuff that you wouldn't care if I told someone else" Damn straight.

Yes, I have been hurt in love, but I think the trust issues were already under the surface before all this. Maybe I was just born wary? In comparison, my cousin who is 10 years older then me - falls in love, gets hurt, trusts again, falls in love, gets hurt, trusts again.... the cycle goes on. I find it really interesting how people can be so different.

So, are you a hopeless romantic and can't help trusting? Why? Or the other way? Tell! To generate more discussion, do you have different trust issues with friends and or relationships?
Click to expand...


You have every right to be weary of people around you these days. There are many many people out there who will be out to hurt you. What you need to do is learn the skill of selection where you can easily spot the difference between trustworthy people and untrustworthy people. I find people are often blinded by something in a partner that makes them unaware of their untrustworthyness.


I have always trusted people way too much.. Im slowly learning that there is nothing wrong with assuming the worst in someone. You are be blinded by trust to the point to where it desensitises you.
 
I see it as an imperfection that I cant share knowledge about myself without the potential for hurt.

On the other hand I enjoy trusting friends and having it reciprocated; this is a very big deal for me.

I follow my instincts (which are sometimes wrong), but will always trust a little more than I think I should.
This opens an opportunity to be proven wrong (in a good way) which in my mind is well worth the gamble :)
 
Raz said:
In the end I went for a policy of total exposure. I present myself now to the world warts and all, as it makes it hard for people to use your weaknesses or failings against you when the whole world already knows about them anyway.
Click to expand...

^^ I believe in the same. I present my cards totally to everyone so its no big secret and so that people know I dont really give a shit if they think im uber dag or not. I like me the way I am.

I also believe that getting hurt is one of the BEST ways of learning from life. If you continue to shut ppl out or cut ppl off in some way, your missing out on opportunites, sad or happy.

Sometimes it takes getting hurt for people to realise a lot of things about themselves so they actually sit back and discover themselves.

Hurt is great learning tool.

So in the end I would say, I trust people, but I believe im a great judge of character. If there is someone I dont want to trust, I just dont associate with them. If someone abuses my trust, I just cut them off. Easy.
 
I trust way too easily!

Someone virtually has to be a compulsive liar for me to not trust them.

I also forgive very easily. One quick sorry, a hug and we're bestest buddies again with no hard feelings.

I'm often misjudged for being someone who's very harsh in judgement [probably because that's how I speak when I'm pissed]... couldn't be further from the truth in terms of the long-run!!!

I don't see the point in staying pissed at someone when they're prepared to make an effort to work things out.

This all comes fairly naturally to me though... :)

Of course there are exceptions to the rule.
 
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I always thought that i was a trusting person, but a few years ago, was told by a friend that i only let people in a certain amount, and then shut off. She said that it took her months to get me to really open up to her... the funny thing was that i thought i was opening up to her immediately?

After that, i took a look at myself and realised that no, i'm not a trusting person, i seem to always be looking for an alterior motive in the other person. That doesn't mean that i'm not open with my feelings, but like you iamtha1, i'll only tell people what i don't mind being public in general.

It's moreso with women. I've had 2 long-term friendships with women (one that ended 4 year ago which was 20 years long and one that was 12 years long)... both, looking back, were horrible, and i was burned quite a few times, purely because i trusted them and that they wouldn't betray me. I've had a couple of female friends since then, but i don't even consider those real friendships. At present, my closest female friend is a girl i've known for about 8 years as an acquaintance, but have only been really close to for about 2.5 years. In that short time, she's renewed my faith in girlfriends and has made me realise how imperative it is to have that one girl you can tell your secrets to, with no fear of them being aired.

On our recent trip to Melbourne, i met a few girls down there who amazed me in a very short time. You know who you are and you know that i SO wish we didn't live 2000km away from eachother.

Men, well, i'll leave that one for the moment. :\
 
It's funny, I understand how alot of women can't trust men... But then alot og girls' turn around and say "You can't trust me, there all scum"... I don't have a problem with that if you've trully been screwed over in the past. But then PLEASE don't go around saying you can't find a good guy becasue their all scum. You're putting false beliefs' into you're head, you won't be able to find a guy because in you're head you're constantly thinking all guys are fuckers...

Doesn't really help the True & Honest guys does it?
 
I think for me everyone starts on an even playing field. When they do something good, they earn my trust. If they do somehting negative, then my trust in them lessens, and eventually they reach a point of no return.

But i generally go i nto a relationship without issues, or at least, i try. If i have a reason to mistrust them, then i try to work through it. It's not worth the pain of being jealous without a reson to be... it just strains the realtionship moreso, and new relationships are difficult at the best of times... :/
 
i'm a pretty guarded person. i think that i'm more trusting of other people now then i was but i still have some trust issues, you could say.

i also think like others have already said that a lot of it has to do with the fact that i'm a fairly introverted person to begin with who just likes having their own space. but on the other hand i also know that it's more than that. past events and experiences, such as being an immigrant, having parents who are pretty untrusting people themselves helped make me the way that i am.

i talked to this women once who brought to my attention that being untrusting essentially on many levels means that you primarily aren't trusting of yourself. which is an interesting idea i think. especially when you think about carl jungs theory that we project onto others and the wolrd subconscious images that we hold of ourselves. thus if you are a largely untrusting person probably means that you have some deep seeded issues with self image and confidence. which i think is a point that is more or less true for all of us. i know that i have problems when it comes to that.

as for the wariness factor that others have mentioned, i'd also have to agree that it is good to be wary most of the time, cos all you have to do is look at the current world situation/crisis to realise that due to certain political and social on going factors people now days have become more emotionally retarded then they ever were.
 
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