@Captain.Heroin Wow! Very very well said! May I have permission to use that quote to a person I know who is struggling with self esteem issues right now?
Oh YES, of course, I don't know why I didn't see this earlier my brain is burnt toast.
Anything I say are just configurations of words. And words meaning change over time. Use it while it's hot
I don't need credit or anything. But I really did and it didn't encourage him to stop and it really bummed me out and he's gone now. Dialysis is really painful and I don't think he wanted to keep doing it. He had a brave voice/dialogue about it with me and seemed HAPPIER than I was. It was an act, I think; he must have been deeply unhappy with being in pain and wanted to die and wanted to pretend, to me, to go out loving life so as to give me the will to keep going without him.
It's a bit soul crushing but I think I can love him more for not wanting me there by his side at the end. I think it was the right decision and I actually get it now. It just clicked, just now and I'm crying. But it's alright, it's good to let this out.
I have been struggling with suicidal ideation for a large part of my life. Last year was the crux of almost everything bad that could happen other than more family/friend deaths and it was soul crushing, I haven't ever found meaning in life to top that off and I wasn't planning on going on to see 2021. A lot changed about 9-10 months after my ex's passing. I'm quite glad he put on a brave face for my sake because any more grief on top of what I went through would not have behooved my mental health at all.
A lot of my friends who have passed from overdoses, intentionally, subconscious death wish or completely on accident, have been some of the best people I've ever known in life, the most down to earth, friendly, helpful, kind people. It's not fair and so all we can do is live by their examples and that's what I try to do every day.
Sorry to hear about your loss.
Jan of 2019 my cat of nine years died, he was like my best friend that wasn't a human and was always there for me to cheer me up. Then five people including one IRL friend, one family member, some BL'ers and I must be forgetting someone passed away. Oh yeah and my ex I was just talking about that, my brain must be burnt or repressing. I lost all of that in one year.
I appreciate your emotions but please don't feel sorry for me. Be happy you have a beautiful life to live and be happy every day.
Smile because I just can't right now and enjoy nature, your family/friends, love, the simple things. My life is nothing to feel sorry about; some of my friends who have passed (before 2019, I've probably lost ten BL friends, some I knew IRL to overdoses) had much worse lives and they had a much worse hand dealt to them in life and society, their family, their circumstances were so harsh and unfair: that's who you should feel sorry for if you're going to. I've had a good life and I've accepted whether it ends tomorrow or decades later I'll be at peace with everything. Not all of my friends who have passed found inner peace like me and I hope they are finding it now.
