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Addiction Time to get Sober - Life Beyond Abstinence

Mistressofitness

Greenlighter
Joined
Sep 18, 2018
Messages
26
Location
Ontario, Canada
Ah thanks so much for the response , I’m in the uk not near enough to London to go to meeting there which imo are so much better as there’s more choice of style .. some are more upmarket ( not a good choice of word at 5am) than others .
I’ve used AA over the years but to be honest it’s just never been updated the methodology Or the language , personally I ( and I’m a service user) associate it with older predominantly male drinkers.

it’s definately not young and vibrant but you can find that type of group in London.

I can’t believe it but I went last night I found a group in a nearby City and although the same it was helpful and I got some contacts 3 women who were really nice .
Thanks so much for your message I’m just working my way around these boards as it’s all changed compared with when I used to log in ..
Please keep in touch and thanks for the kind words xx
What do you meant by "service user" I never heard that term before. btw I totally get what you are saying about the "upmarket" thing...and about AA/12 Step methodology, language and the typical male drinker type you get at rural meetings. I saw London by your name, thought maybe you are in the city. Its same here in Canada- if I lived in small city i NEVER would have gone to AA- small town AA is full of mostly white, very low bottom, blue collar men and they have a VERY antiquated, rigid view of AA (like God forbid you mention drugs- they go ballistic, practically tar and feather you if you won't say the Lord's Prayer, which I refused to do for 9 years when I went!). I'm lucky in Toronto because we are big, like London or New York. There are meetings of all different kinds-very progressive I swear lets say you are a left handed, south african librarian, who practices sourcery and prefers to sleep with men only during the full moon, with women during half moon, and stay celibate for the rest of month, there is at least one or two meetings for a group of folks just like you where you feel comfortable (dont mean to be crass- or make fun of anyone - just mean that Like EVERYONE can find a meeting that suits their lifestyle and preferences)...because of huge population, you get a HUGE cross section and you can find groups where there will be like minded sorts. Am so glad to hear you actually met some nice women at the meeting in the City- don't be afraid to actually call them! If you actually liked the meeting I bet one of em would pick you up and take you there- they really do like to help..(.but only if you can stand the meeting and find it helpful of course). It blows my mind how people on this message forum are everywhere in the world.. yet our struggles are the same. I think I've figured out how to PM people on here-which I will try to do and will say hi privately. I also find it a bit confusing as I am new, and only active since the system changed. Will def keep in touch, do the same ;-) I'm thinking of starting a thread to talk about getting clean tips and support or something. Is alcohol your D.O.C.? Or have you done the opiate dance too?
 

Ganjcat

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 13, 2013
Messages
3,323
How do people honestly get sober?? I have tried and I cant even go a whole day without opiates and im not even in withdrawal by the time I relapse the mental cravings are to much for me alone.. I have managed to hardly smoke weed but only because I cannot afford it at the moment
 

Mistressofitness

Greenlighter
Joined
Sep 18, 2018
Messages
26
Location
Ontario, Canada
How do people honestly get sober?? I have tried and I cant even go a whole day without opiates and im not even in withdrawal by the time I relapse the mental cravings are to much for me alone.. I have managed to hardly smoke weed but only because I cannot afford it at the moment
i hear ya..it's really really really goddamn hard. a piece of you has to be so broken and wanting to get fixed....be certain that you can't take it any more...and desperately unhappy and ready to make a drastic change.. for me, as much as I try I just can't do it alone :-( I had to get help...some pple have willpower and can do it on own but I think it's rare .opiates took me very quickly.....I have to tell you drinking was tough to quit- but I feel like the opiates are way harder ... but man I gotta do it because this isn't life. Have u ever tried getting help? sometimes the first try doesn't stick....and u have to try again (I got off for 9 months last year but relapsed, second kick at can). but man it is possible- I have done it before with booze..and I have seen people do it with drugs ... I wish I could moderate even..but just can't seem to ..I am all or nothing in this Dept ...
 

tired of crap

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 26, 2009
Messages
878
@Codiene princess

I failed so many times to quit during my years. Persistance and learning are key. Try not to berate yourself when you "fail" because really is it a failure if youve taken something useful from your attempts?

Unfortunately I cant say whats changed this time other than I was just sick of going in the same circles again and again.

Feeling isolated after quitting ones doc seems to be a pretty common theme
As much as I need to better regulate my social media usage I find it incredibly helpful to connect to like minded ppl - whether theyre in recovery too or, also like me, interested in other substances (which arent problematic to me). But more than just substance related there are so many forums/groups dedicated to activities etc that my irl friends arent.

@Ganjcat
mental cravings were a large part of my continued alcohol use.
Opiates are different though and I cant speak much in that regard as they never really grabbed me the way alcohol did but I imagine certain aspects of addiction are relatable. Distractions helped during those first bits to help keep my mind off drinking - movies, video games, hobbies. Meditation, exercise and yoga helped with the anxiety and depression but they certainly arent panaceas like I see so many ppl make them out to be.

But dont be afraid to seek medical assistance - be it in the form of therapy or prescription intervention to help get you off. Many ppl find NA and other meetings such as SMART meetings that MistressofFitness referred to to be of benefit but I cant speak to any of these options. I was kinda ... stubborn? and for whatever reason. Honestly I think it was in part due to my perception of the nature. But certainly it couldnt hurt to check one out - you can always bail if you dont jive. Journalling both here and irl really helps me to get the thoughts out which I figured meetings were at least somewhat about.

@Mistressofitness
"so I joined a group in my area that was primarily gay men and it SAVED my ARSE! " I laughed at the irony surrounding that one

Ya I have addictive tendencies that reach beyond substances too (lol?)- social media, junk food, yoga and meditation and exercise (when I get going), etc. Mindfulness really allows me to be aware when these issues crop up though Im not always capable of changing them in that awareness.

Youre not the first one to mention smart meetings and cbt therapy.
More recently Ive been trying to set smart goals surrounding some of my goals.
I hope your meetings work out.


At times this thread would go dry with responses, so
Thank you all for taking the time to write
Cheers
 

tired of crap

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 26, 2009
Messages
878
Well the passed 2 weeks have been rough for me
Ive neglected my mindfulness the passed 3 mornings
But Im 3 weeks without psychedelics and 2 days this week without weed

Just noticing the date I realized today is 11 mos alcohol free
And that was the pick me up I needed for an otherwise shakey few days
 

tired of crap

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 26, 2009
Messages
878
Well yesterday was hands down my worst day in many months.
Even to the point of running suicidal ideations. So when I finished work I just put on a movie and slept as a means of escape.

With no psychoactive crutches and a total lack of anything resembling self care these past weeks, 4 and 2 respectfully, my mental (and to a lesser degree) physical health has taken a complete dive. Thankfully from years of cycling abstinence and substance misuse, I am aware that if I am to remain in such a state this has historically been the beginning of my relapse.

With holidays coming and the anniversary of moms passing coming I need to make some changes before this spirals any further.

Today is a better day and I am hoping to make some of those changes today.
 

tired of crap

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 26, 2009
Messages
878
So yesterday I went to the dentist.

I hadnt been in years and with no insurance Ive been apprehensive af to even make an appt. However, its been a reoccurring cause for anxiety, both sober and high, and I simply couldnt ignore it any longer. I only booked a check up/cleaning figuring Id have cavities to fuck, especially considering I stopped wearing my night guard since my teeth shifted after my extraction and the clips were impacting.

Im happy to report my paranoia ensured sufficient dental hygiene over the years, I had no cavities and it was only $300 for an hour visit (fuckkk I chose the wrong line of work lol)...

I was hoping to get an impression done for a nightguard to avoid further wear from my intensive grinding and clenching at night but the dentist noted it wont last for long as my teeth continue to shift due to my missing front tooth. So I got an estimate for a crown ($2k) and given the impact the missing tooth has had on my confidence Im seriously considering the payment plans they offer...Now to build up the courage to make a Drs appt to figure out tf is up with my bp and palpitations lol (thank fuck that one and its referrals are free - yay Canada)

In the meantime, family christmas with my moms side this weekend. Its been nearly 3 years since she passed away but she always loved the holidays so this wont be easy - for any of us.

Its also been about a year now since I quit drinking yet escaping this weekend in such a manner seems incredibly appealing. Everyone else will be drinking but I cant toke because my uncle (his house) doesnt approve. So Im thinking Ill bring something more exciting along ...ald 52 proved wonderfully functional at thanksgiving with the other side of the family... perhaps itll facilitate some sort of catharsis as opposed to trying to escape this time of year, like I have for the past 3...

Funny how the holidays brings out the best in me lol ...

Anyways were supposed to leave in a few hrs and Ive got some food stuffs to prepare and a stop at the store for some last minute gifts lol....
 

AutoTripper

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 28, 2019
Messages
1,054
So yesterday I went to the dentist.

I hadnt been in years and with no insurance Ive been apprehensive af to even make an appt. However, its been a reoccurring cause for anxiety, both sober and high, and I simply couldnt ignore it any longer. I only booked a check up/cleaning figuring Id have cavities to fuck, especially considering I stopped wearing my night guard since my teeth shifted after my extraction and the clips were impacting.

Im happy to report my paranoia ensured sufficient dental hygiene over the years, I had no cavities and it was only $300 for an hour visit (fuckkk I chose the wrong line of work lol)...

I was hoping to get an impression done for a nightguard to avoid further wear from my intensive grinding and clenching at night but the dentist noted it wont last for long as my teeth continue to shift due to my missing front tooth. So I got an estimate for a crown ($2k) and given the impact the missing tooth has had on my confidence Im seriously considering the payment plans they offer...Now to build up the courage to make a Drs appt to figure out tf is up with my bp and palpitations lol (thank fuck that one and its referrals are free - yay Canada)

In the meantime, family christmas with my moms side this weekend. Its been nearly 3 years since she passed away but she always loved the holidays so this wont be easy - for any of us.

Its also been about a year now since I quit drinking yet escaping this weekend in such a manner seems incredibly appealing. Everyone else will be drinking but I cant toke because my uncle (his house) doesnt approve. So Im thinking Ill bring something more exciting along ...ald 52 proved wonderfully functional at thanksgiving with the other side of the family... perhaps itll facilitate some sort of catharsis as opposed to trying to escape this time of year, like I have for the past 3...

Funny how the holidays brings out the best in me lol ...

Anyways were supposed to leave in a few hrs and Ive got some food stuffs to prepare and a stop at the store for some last minute gifts lol....
Just one quick thought mate- what type of salt do you consume? Is it refined, table salt or just white, bleached sea salt?

Do you add salt into your diet daily? In pure unrefined form? Or is your salt intake almost exclusively from processed, foods, tins etc? With added table/salt?

Despite my severe difficulries and multiple chronoc conditions, I have a remarkably healthy body in many ways. Eapecially heart health, blood pressure and cholesterol way better than average in both directions.

I was supposed to adopt a really strict 100% home-cooked diet many years ago which is ironically done me the world of flavours as well as my mum in terms of education and choices and how that has paid off.

I learnt ,ong ago how salt gets it bad name entirely from the form of salt mostly used by unawaring folk.

The man-made refined table salt in any form is genuinely poison for the body and causes all of the negative stigma and health consequences of salt consumption.


I mean this stuff should all be so obvious to us really they take the natural substance and destroy it with with almost sun like temperatures shaking it around at a million miles an hour then sticking it back together with loads of additives which don't have her naturally but which the government government decrees we need in order for the salt to be right for us and healthy.

When our bodies are designed to require natural unrefined salt to fit that lock as it should and this is of equal importance to water intake so to lack has sufficient regular intake of natural and refined salt is a serious deficiency.

Anyway @tired of crap really sorry if this is patronising and you know all this already but it just occurred to me me that if the majority of your salt intake is the refined form this could be directly related to your blood pressure issues and who knows what else.

My own diet is almost entirely devoid of refined salt and I add the highest quality salt available in the world I weigh 10 g everyday and often had more than this in one day and yet all of my markers like blood pressure heart rate cholesterol etc have been exemplary over the years.

In the name of better health I have always tried to encourage others to be mindful of their salt intake and try to eliminate completely as much as possible for fine salt in all forms and replace it with the unrefined versions.

And we need one hell of a lot more clean unrefined sodium than we have been informed we need a minimum of 8 grams a day and some people would need much more and all of the actual legitimate science and historical evidence proves that even much higher consumptions of salt are not correlated with negative health effects but actually vice versa.

Just mentioning mate in case it might apply. I strongly recommend Redmond real salt which is pretty much the highest quality in the world and and completely pure as well unlike modern sea salt and Celtic sea salt with levels of pollution.


Ok I'll still haven't finished reading your post yet back to it now.
 

AutoTripper

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 28, 2019
Messages
1,054
Also mate, deepest sympathies as you think about your mum at this time. Hope you have a nice time with the family and all run smoothly shame you can't take while you're there but at least you'll probably enjoy it more when you get back home again.

Just myself and my mum at home together this Cristmas. Nice slow cooked beef joint and roast veggies will be about the highlight.
 

tired of crap

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 26, 2009
Messages
878
Well my weekend away wasnt as bad as I imagined.
Though everyone was drinking and my aunt/uncle/cousin drank fairly heavily each evening.
It didnt bother me like it used to. And my oma was supportive: "Dont let them pressure you if you dont wanna drink"
...
Friday I figured Id get stoned and finish up some shopping/wrapping while the girls went dress shopping for my cousins wedding (next summer). However, my oma wanted to stay back and get some food prep done for dinner the following day and asked for my help. It only took me a few minutes to realize this would go alot smoother with one of the weed cookies I brought. Im sure it woulda been decent either way but with a little help it was a really nice time.

As we prepped we talked about a lot of things.
What stood out most was at one point we were bitching about my brother being a bit of a turd surrounding family events. Ex last year he bailed on dinner with the other side by inviting my oma over for dinner on the same night. If he doesnt wanna come fine but even my oma was upset that hed put her in the middle of it (as she never got along with my dad/his side - theyre kind of intensely annoying if im tbh lol). Then I was on about how I dont like that we have to give gifts when really all I want is a nice dinner, more often than twice a year... "I need your presence not your presents" to which my Oma responded "Whoa thats deep" (or something along the lines) and all I could think was that she had a little contact high going lol..

Afterwards we sat and she recoutned old times... of the war and how things have changed .. stories of my opa (who passed when I was 11) etc...
It was a really nice time.
..
Saturday was "Christmas" for us and my brother was coming from out of town, as well, and was to be there by 12. As noted hes kind of a turd for gatherings and sure enough he was in fine form... After not responding to anyones msgs he finally responds to me at 12 stating they had trouble finding a dog sitter and were still 2 hrs away .. everyone was griping while we watched the 4th hr of tv for the day so I said "Why not" and ate 200 ug of ald 52 shortly after 12pm

I was coming up within the hour but I figured the shit eating grin was going to give it away ... and I kinda suppressed the experience.
But by the time my brother got there at 2 I was beginning a wonderful experience.

It was much lighter than my previous experiences at thanksgiving at this level. But I felt amazing and when my Oma started crying, during our gift exchange, when I gave her a school picture of my daughter which had the words "Laugh, love live" - a phrase my mom always had around - I knew that none of us were ok with it, though its been almost 3 years since she passed away. And yet despite this fact we were all their for each other and some how that made things that much better. (We were never really close but somehow moms passing brought us a lot closer - as they know my dads a twat lol)

The rest of the evening, and the weekend, was uneventful.
Dinner was great though and having helped prepare I got out of dish duty haha fuck ya, dishes are my least favourite chore...

My cousin and daughter got to spend some quality time together on Sunday.. So overall a decent weekend
....
@AutoTripper ya most of my salt is from processed foods. I was doing really well for a number of months reducing my intake of crap and then Halloween came and ya know ... I fell back into old habits unfortunately. When Im eating proper tho Id say most of my salt still comes from processed foods though its more along the lines of bread and sauces (bbq, ketchup etc) which I know I need to cut out as well.... I never add salt to anything though I recognize its importance I didnt realize we needed to consume it beyond what comes naturally.

However, my blood pressure is not too high (what I think you may be getting at by asking about my sodium intake lol) - rather its too low. And Im often dizzy when standing
 

tired of crap

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 26, 2009
Messages
878
So thinking about this today and what Auto said about waiting and having it be a better exp...
And why would I trip in such a setting where I cant fully let go/enjoy.

Kinda why I kept the dose manageable...
But my goal wasnt necessarily to turn an anxious time into something else... rather to help me live in the moment

Accepting my feelings as they come and feeling them rather has always been difficult for me, especially surrounding difficult events. When mom got sick again it was difficult for me and I drank pretty heavy/regularly .. During this time I also stayed a lot at my aunt and uncles and I associate their place with drinking to surpress ...combined with the fact that I know how they drink, not so much at dinner but after 8 pm is happy hour ... fuck my aunt was even drinking with her pain meds since her surgery .. so i knew itd be triggering

But I dont even think about drinking anymore, really, even when its right in front of me. I dont think Im ready to drink yet but seeing it isnt an issue asthese days.. Id much rather get high and face my feelings... though admittedly some highs are escapist I try to avoid that unhealthy behaviour as much as possible... though admittedly some dxm binges are inspired atleast in part by hedonistic escapism.
..
Today, even this week, has been good.
Im trying to reduce my toking but today I didnt get back to sleep after my morning shift so I smoked all day.
It was really ncie. At one point I was laughing because Id folded a mat and put it on the toilet. The shaggy piles looked like hair and the toilet handle looked like a winky eye lol...
 

tired of crap

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 26, 2009
Messages
878
So another crazy trip on New Years at a friends..
300 ug ald and 35 mg t7 and blamo I cant take the heat and ubered home to have my own space lol...

A couple decent weeks since then despite getting sick.
Keeping progress journals of a few different things including diet, exercise, hydration...
Cant change my habits if im not first aware of them

One of the categories Im trying to change is screen time and another hobbies...
So in light of this I noticed there was a few weeks when I didnt pick anything up ... Idk what happened but I was kinda bummed. I recently got back to juggling tho. It took a minute to get back into it but a couple days of mindful practice and its getting better by the day again.

Part of me thinks its kinda fucking lame but I dont care lol... I pick it up a few times a day for < 30 minutes each time, sometimes for even just a couple minutes. It keeps my hands busy and I find if Im more concerned about form than duration of consecutive throws its almost another form of mindfulness for me.

My throws for 3 ball cascade are far more consistent. Ive even managed a few different patterns - reverse cascade being the easiest for me to pick up because its continuous but last night all stoned I managed to cold start the half shower with my dominant hand. I was so proud (ffs lol)... Im having trouble being aware of where the balls are in the pattern and starting different patterns in the middle of the cascade but Im hoping with practice itll come.

My goal is to keep practicing so I can get some LED balls for festivals this year lol lammeee ..

Anyways happy weekend folks
 
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Wormwood44

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 13, 2020
Messages
107
Location
Colorado, USA
@tired of crap I am enjoying reading about your journey. I have been clean & sober for almost 20 years now. That first year for me was turbulent and full of questions; especially, "Can I do this?"
Please continue to share & vent on here. Proud of you!
 

tired of crap

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 26, 2009
Messages
878
Congrats @Wormwood44 on your sobriety
When you say clean and sober for 20 years how do you mean? Just from your doc or from EVERYTHING (recreational)?

Either way what has kept you on track for so long?
 

Captain.Heroin

Sr. Moderator: H&R, Words, SLR
Staff member
Joined
Nov 3, 2008
Messages
89,433
Location
Sixth Circle of Hell
what has kept you on track for so long?
I couldn't really tell you honestly. ~ 7 years of bupe/heroin abstinence. A relationship would have been my answer like a year+ ago... then they passed away and a lot of other tragedies and shit.

"Love" might be the only thing I could really seriously say.

[I know this question was directed @ someone else; felt it was good enough for anyone to answer]
 

Wormwood44

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 13, 2020
Messages
107
Location
Colorado, USA
@tired of crap Many years ago I was an alcoholic - pretty bad one too. Then I got cancer, but continued to drink and ignore doctors orders. I was dying & I knew it but couldn't stop drinking. One day I had a spiritual experience - a week later my cancer slowly started going away, baffling my doctors. I looked at my girlfriend, at that time (who stood by my side despite myself, God bless her), and decided to change my life.

So the support and love of people, groups and hard work got me through that first year.
I have abstained from Everything - all drugs. I haven't engaged in many drugs people are into. But I do know the madness of addiction and how it kills and destroys everything in its path.

Now I help people with addictions for a living and as a life purpose. Keeping on track has gotten easier year by year. To me groups & meetings weren't enough. I had to find a spiritual purpose too. And I did..the spiritual component of my life is just as important as people/ group support. And of course the love of beautiful people in my life.

You can do this my friend! If you fail / relapse, you can learn from that and pick yourself back up! You are an overcomer!
 

Wormwood44

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 13, 2020
Messages
107
Location
Colorado, USA
@Captain.Heroin Sorry for your loss, my friend. It's agony; utter agony to lose a loved one like that. Geez. I empathize with you. I also have lost very close people due to addictions & overdosing, etc.

Thank you for your kind words. I hope you aren't lonely. Loneliness is terrible.
 

Captain.Heroin

Sr. Moderator: H&R, Words, SLR
Staff member
Joined
Nov 3, 2008
Messages
89,433
Location
Sixth Circle of Hell
@Captain.Heroin Sorry for your loss, my friend. It's agony; utter agony to lose a loved one like that. Geez. I empathize with you. I also have lost very close people due to addictions & overdosing, etc.

Thank you for your kind words. I hope you aren't lonely. Loneliness is terrible.
Have moved on and have become less insecure about being single again/alone. Had the right series of experiences to get me through that.

Loneliness can be a beautiful thing when you're ready to accept it, and what not. A large part of me was not ready and it took a lot of cajoling.
 
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