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Thoughts regarding a noble suicide or The rambling of an old fashioned fart

user name1

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 13, 2013
Messages
97
Location
Edge of the abyss
What can i say in my defense? nothing really but if we were in court say, there's a lot of mitigating circumstances.
I won't go into details of my stupid sob story (already did all that in all of my previous posts) and try to remain on the subject at hand here. -
i am a firm believer in the right of a person to exit an existence of chronic pain (physical or mental that is) or one that is living a pointless, tasteless and meaningless life.
as for me i think and feel that i checks the boxes of all of the above and then some.

ATM i still function in a small way but i fear that not too far into the future i will become even a heavier burden on the small part of my family that still care for me and are worried and sad seeing me deteriorate slowly but surely in front of their very eyes.

for years, until very lately i was able to hide my pain and the seriousness of my addiction to class A drugs by minimizing and using humor, laughter and charm to hide the pain i was in. now I am still trying to use those techniques but I'm afraid they see through it and though they don't know or understand the magnitude of those mental and physical ailments plus the decades long addictions to any and all mind altering substances it's becoming very obvious that something is very wrong with me.

I feel that the small amount of grace i still posses is running out fast and i can't stand the notion that i will become, sooner rather then later, dependent upon my loved ones. i can't stand the feeling that i will be remembered as a shit smelling wheelchaired mumbling idiot that can't fend for himself. I rather be remembered as a self serving asshole which traumatized his family by killing himself. i know that deep down they will secretly breathe a sigh of relief...

that's it really. a no brainer but do i have the stones? another question entirely..

all the best my dear fellow BLers,
Jonesy
 

n3ophy7e

Moderator: TDS, H&R, MH
Staff member
Joined
Apr 30, 2006
Messages
30,950
Location
Dex's room
Hmmm. I have mixed feelings about this. On one hand I think that suicide causes more problems than it solves. But at the same time I can understand your desire to check out before things get worse.

Have you spoken to any of your family members and told them your thoughts on ending it?
 

user name1

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 13, 2013
Messages
97
Location
Edge of the abyss
Hmmm. I have mixed feelings about this. On one hand I think that suicide causes more problems than it solves. But at the same time I can understand your desire to check out before things get worse.

Have you spoken to any of your family members and told them your thoughts on ending it?
thanks for replying mate!
well no, i really can't it will make things so much worse by adding more guilt to an already guilt ridden situation..
 

n3ophy7e

Moderator: TDS, H&R, MH
Staff member
Joined
Apr 30, 2006
Messages
30,950
Location
Dex's room
thanks for replying mate!
well no, i really can't it will make things so much worse by adding more guilt to an already guilt ridden situation..
So hold on to that thought for a minute. You acknowledge that talking to them about your thoughts on suicide would make you feel guilty. Why is that? Because you know it will hurt them. So imagine their pain if you actually follow through with it, the disruption to their lives, the years and years and decades of unanswered questions and unspoken words that they will have to endure.

This is what has prevented me from going through with many of my suicide attempts, the pain it will cause my family.

Let me know your thoughts. I hope you're doing okay <3
 
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