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Venting The Vent/Rant Thread Vs. You Silly KnuckleHeads Can Go Fly a Kite!!

Molly0d

Greenlighter
Joined
Jan 5, 2021
Messages
11
:( I have nothing to distract me I never have anything to do everything gets me like so bored. And I feel like everything I've ever had was taken away from me and the people around me were limiting what I could and couldn't do I always felt trapped here and it's not getting any better. That's why I turn to drugs because it was something I had n like something that no one else could take because I was going experiencing it I don't know what to do anymore. I had everything under control I wasn't even abusing I knew my limits. It was only when I needed an escape. They made me love myself and made me realize that what was going on didn't really matter. I needed to push through, get over it they made me find hope. I feel like I can't talk to anyone because no one ever understands me.
 

Audiobook

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 15, 2019
Messages
360
Location
Minnesota (USA)
Being proactive is the best therapy.

That is all I will say.

Also, I am realizing that I need to focus on me and help myself as much as I can. You can help people somewhat online and IRL, but quite frankly, we all make choices and we all have to live with them.

And people hate hearing this. And people hate when you know that you do not have to put up with them.

Quite simply now, if someone bothers my I don’t deal with them (blocking, etc). If someone shows signs of not caring about me, great. If someone tells me I am too smart for my own good, I cut them off because they are not worth my time. If some moron does not respond, then fine. COVID has us all insane.

We have our lines and mine is this, if someone tells me outright to leave me alone I do so. When I have told the cops btw about online threats I have gotten what they ask is, “have you asked this person to leave you alone.” So basically that is what I do myself. And what I think everyone else should do. Explicitly.

If they do not do so after that then action can be taken (or should be) in a lot of cases.

Abusers do not want you to know that there are checks and balances. But there are. Never forget that.
 

Molly0d

Greenlighter
Joined
Jan 5, 2021
Messages
11
So once you're labeled an addict... you're an addict forever regarding everything?
Geez, anytime I try to ask my "friends" for anything (not what I had an issue with),
they blow me off and report my *naughty* behavior to my bf.

I feel so alone. Can't trust anyone. I wonder when it will end.
I just want to run away and start fresh.
I know that feeling just wanting to delete everything run away and never talk to anyone again starting a brand new life that no one knows about.
 

Audiobook

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 15, 2019
Messages
360
Location
Minnesota (USA)
I am just starting to not care about things that I don’t have to care about. Like, I learned that mainly you have to help yourself.

And not worry about what other people think or say to you or about you.

Often, people make choices they have regretted and then they want to pass that onto you. And I choose not to take that on.
 

Carl Landrover

Bluelighter
Joined
May 6, 2005
Messages
9,324
Location
CT
I'm so alone
I wrote this on May 16th, 2015. It's message #45 on this thread.

The somewhat ironic thing is I'm even more alone now than I was then, but in different ways. I don't get lonely anymore because that's an effect methadone has on me. I'm on a methadone maintenance program. I feel like people would initially think it's good not to feel lonely, but the reason I don't feel lonely is because (for me) opiates kill the desire to be social. Whatever is inside of people that makes them want to be around and engage with other people is quashed inside of me by opiates. Opiates also alter my sense of humor. I feel like people think I'm crazy when I say things like that. Except that I am an observant person and I noticed while on opiates I don't laugh as much, I take jokes way more personally, and overall I'm not as funny. This is especially devastating for me since I felt this was one of the better parts of my personality. Humor can ease situations providing comic relief, make someone feel relaxed, make someone feel good, and it makes you feel good to make someone else laugh. I'm not saying I was a comedian or the most hilarious person, but having such a fundamental part of yourself be so altered is difficult.

I'm not going to keep going on and on, but I first realized this when I was first getting off of suboxone years ago. Was on it for 14months during 2006-2007. I was on it for a year and then spent the last two months tapering from 2mg to 0. As I was dropping the dose and getting close to 0 it was all coming back. I hadn't even realized how much my personality had been dulled so much. I had one of my best friends make a comment about how he could tell I was using because I was more "subdued" than normal. When I finally got off suboxone at the middle of December 2007 my life got exponentially better. I had gotten my best GPA that semester, I started traveling and going out again, I went to Hawaii, I got in a serious relationship for the first time... it was one of the best periods of my life. Of course drugs eventually ruined that as well.

Maybe it's naive to think I'd have such a meteoric rise again in my personally life if I'm ever able to get off methadone. Until then I'm in a personality prison of my own making. I've lowered to 90mg, and am still so far away. I lost the entire middle and end of my 20s and beginning of my 30s to heroin. I'm losing my mid thirties to methadone and covid19 (being asthmatic makes the virus more dangerous for me). I'm hoping that once I get off of methadone, if I ever do, the person I expect to be there will still be there.


Just venting. Thank you.
 

R19

Greenlighter
Joined
Jan 15, 2021
Messages
2
I wrote this on May 16th, 2015. It's message #45 on this thread.

The somewhat ironic thing is I'm even more alone now than I was then, but in different ways. I don't get lonely anymore because that's an effect methadone has on me. I'm on a methadone maintenance program. I feel like people would initially think it's good not to feel lonely, but the reason I don't feel lonely is because (for me) opiates kill the desire to be social. Whatever is inside of people that makes them want to be around and engage with other people is quashed inside of me by opiates. Opiates also alter my sense of humor. I feel like people think I'm crazy when I say things like that. Except that I am an observant person and I noticed while on opiates I don't laugh as much, I take jokes way more personally, and overall I'm not as funny. This is especially devastating for me since I felt this was one of the better parts of my personality. Humor can ease situations providing comic relief, make someone feel relaxed, make someone feel good, and it makes you feel good to make someone else laugh. I'm not saying I was a comedian or the most hilarious person, but having such a fundamental part of yourself be so altered is difficult.

I'm not going to keep going on and on, but I first realized this when I was first getting off of suboxone years ago. Was on it for 14months during 2006-2007. I was on it for a year and then spent the last two months tapering from 2mg to 0. As I was dropping the dose and getting close to 0 it was all coming back. I hadn't even realized how much my personality had been dulled so much. I had one of my best friends make a comment about how he could tell I was using because I was more "subdued" than normal. When I finally got off suboxone at the middle of December 2007 my life got exponentially better. I had gotten my best GPA that semester, I started traveling and going out again, I went to Hawaii, I got in a serious relationship for the first time... it was one of the best periods of my life. Of course drugs eventually ruined that as well.

Maybe it's naive to think I'd have such a meteoric rise again in my personally life if I'm ever able to get off methadone. Until then I'm in a personality prison of my own making. I've lowered to 90mg, and am still so far away. I lost the entire middle and end of my 20s and beginning of my 30s to heroin. I'm losing my mid thirties to methadone and covid19 (being asthmatic makes the virus more dangerous for me). I'm hoping that once I get off of methadone, if I ever do, the person I expect to be there will still be there.


Just venting. Thank you.
I’ve been thinking about getting off of suboxone for reasons very closely aligned with what you said here. I’m ok but I’m not myself. I’ve been thinking a lot about whether the suboxone may be making my depression a little worse And my personality watered down, So to speak. Thank you for sharing this.
 

neversickanymore

Moderator: DS
Staff member
Joined
Jan 23, 2013
Messages
25,326
Location
babysitting the argument in my head
I wrote this on May 16th, 2015. It's message #45 on this thread.

The somewhat ironic thing is I'm even more alone now than I was then, but in different ways. I don't get lonely anymore because that's an effect methadone has on me. I'm on a methadone maintenance program. I feel like people would initially think it's good not to feel lonely, but the reason I don't feel lonely is because (for me) opiates kill the desire to be social. Whatever is inside of people that makes them want to be around and engage with other people is quashed inside of me by opiates. Opiates also alter my sense of humor. I feel like people think I'm crazy when I say things like that. Except that I am an observant person and I noticed while on opiates I don't laugh as much, I take jokes way more personally, and overall I'm not as funny. This is especially devastating for me since I felt this was one of the better parts of my personality. Humor can ease situations providing comic relief, make someone feel relaxed, make someone feel good, and it makes you feel good to make someone else laugh. I'm not saying I was a comedian or the most hilarious person, but having such a fundamental part of yourself be so altered is difficult.

I'm not going to keep going on and on, but I first realized this when I was first getting off of suboxone years ago. Was on it for 14months during 2006-2007. I was on it for a year and then spent the last two months tapering from 2mg to 0. As I was dropping the dose and getting close to 0 it was all coming back. I hadn't even realized how much my personality had been dulled so much. I had one of my best friends make a comment about how he could tell I was using because I was more "subdued" than normal. When I finally got off suboxone at the middle of December 2007 my life got exponentially better. I had gotten my best GPA that semester, I started traveling and going out again, I went to Hawaii, I got in a serious relationship for the first time... it was one of the best periods of my life. Of course drugs eventually ruined that as well.

Maybe it's naive to think I'd have such a meteoric rise again in my personally life if I'm ever able to get off methadone. Until then I'm in a personality prison of my own making. I've lowered to 90mg, and am still so far away. I lost the entire middle and end of my 20s and beginning of my 30s to heroin. I'm losing my mid thirties to methadone and covid19 (being asthmatic makes the virus more dangerous for me). I'm hoping that once I get off of methadone, if I ever do, the person I expect to be there will still be there.


Just venting. Thank you.

I’ve been thinking about getting off of suboxone for reasons very closely aligned with what you said here. I’m ok but I’m not myself. I’ve been thinking a lot about whether the suboxone may be making my depression a little worse And my personality watered down, So to speak. Thank you for sharing this.

I made it.. eight + years at this point. You guys are so right.
 

Audiobook

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 15, 2019
Messages
360
Location
Minnesota (USA)
I have no idea why people say they do not like you like that is some type of insult.

People are free to dislike anyone.

And they are free to choose to not deal with someone.

And yes I include myself in that.
 

Audiobook

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 15, 2019
Messages
360
Location
Minnesota (USA)
The fact that people just cannot respect that I have boundaries is wow.

Maybe I just don’t want to discuss something with someone. No they have to push and push.

It reminds me of being raped.
 

Audiobook

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 15, 2019
Messages
360
Location
Minnesota (USA)
And then they act like I am being mean when I say I no longer wish to talk about something.

Or when I don’t take advice because I know my situation better and I know that it could make it worse.

I almost hate being charming and enjoyable to talk to.
 

UK Warrior

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 25, 2014
Messages
69
Right this might sound strange, but I don't know if its normal?

Do you ever get thoughts, obviously not do it, but say at a train station think "I could easily push that person in front of the train how busy it is and it will look like they fell" etc? I remember when I was younger for no reason a similar thought come into my head, someone was writing at their desk and I just smashed their face into the table twice and it broke their nose.

Is this normal, does everyone feel things like this or not?
 

deficiT

Moderator: DC, TDS, NSADD
Staff member
Joined
Mar 7, 2011
Messages
3,637
Location
The Belly of The Beast
Right this might sound strange, but I don't know if its normal?

Do you ever get thoughts, obviously not do it, but say at a train station think "I could easily push that person in front of the train how busy it is and it will look like they fell" etc? I remember when I was younger for no reason a similar thought come into my head, someone was writing at their desk and I just smashed their face into the table twice and it broke their nose.

Is this normal, does everyone feel things like this or not?
Yes I believe it is fairly normal. There is a term for it that I can't remember right now. But something like, you're driving down the road and the thought comes into your head that you could just turn the wheel and wreck something. It's happened to me before.
 

UK Warrior

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 25, 2014
Messages
69
Yes I believe it is fairly normal. There is a term for it that I can't remember right now. But something like, you're driving down the road and the thought comes into your head that you could just turn the wheel and wreck something. It's happened to me before.
I always thought I may have been wrong for thinking that. I am glad to know its not, and I did only act out once when I was younger at school with the table incident.

It's strange as well as I am not a violent person.

At the moment I am thinking I might be better not here though. I need help with my alcoholism. No one seems to want to help me get into detox. I have my dog Judy laying next to me, and my mum sitting across on the armchair watching TV. Maybe if I went over somewhere not indoors it will be better for them?
 
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