• TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT

Venting The Vent/Rant Thread Vs. You Silly KnuckleHeads Can Go Fly a Kite!!

I have to go to my uncle's funeral tomorrow and while I've been somewhat apathetic about it the last week, having to deal with the mortuary has messed with my head and has turned me into one of the bereaved. I really loved him and he would want me to be happy that he had as long a life as he did but I am having a tough time processing this all of a sudden. Being in the thick of PAWS hasn't helped in the slightest either. I guess I just need to toughen up.
 
Jekyl - I don't know if maybe it's just me, but when I'm kind of early in being sober, I find that moderately difficult situations become monstrously overwhelming and overly emotional affairs - in my mind - before they've even happened. Then, the event happens, and I'm like - well shit. That wasn't what I thought it was going to be. Not even nearly as bad as I thought. Push thru it. In the meantime.....meditate a little bit.

Good luck, dude. Sincerely. But I know you'll be okay.
 
^Such a supportive post, Breathe.

@Jekyl: I am going to visit my dying Aunt next week. She is my last Aunt on either side and one I was very close too. Death of our elders is never easy no matter how long or how good their life was (though those can be celebrated as well). I'm 63--an elder myself already, but losing mine makes me feel like a child being abandoned on some level. I think the pain of loss is an inevitable part of life but when it hurts, it hurts. Do all the things you can do for yourself to indulge in your own comfort at this time.<3
 
^ & ^^ Thanks Guys,

Breathe- you were completely right about the anticipation being worse than the event itself. It was sorrowful of course but not quite like the multiple scenarios playing through my head right up until the start of the funeral.
Your new Thread is incredible by the way.:
https://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/817897-How-To-Repair-Your-Body-Mind-Soul-A-Guide

Herbavore- your wisdom in seemingly all things is always awe inspiring. Your balance of compassion and candor is very much appreciated after having one's mental fortifications jolted.
 
I can only imagine how difficult that is for parents. We feel we can protect our children from everything, but that ia an illusion.
Hope it all things turn better for you and for your family.
 
I feel detached from everyone. I'm a loner and I find it very hard to talk to other people. Then people will mention how I barely talk, and it worsens the anxiety I already have in my head. When this happens I just completely absorb myself in my work. Work is really the only thing that gives me any sense of gratification anymore. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. Anhedonia, struggling to relate with other people. I get fucking tired of it. I sometimes think to myself; Why couldn't I have been different? Not struggle with all these issues? Well I suppose it isn't important. I've been going through the motions for so long, trying to find joy in something. I feel empty.
 
I have felt like this for a long time when I was younger. Work has always been my escape but even at work at some point we'll need to socialize and stand for what you are. Sometimes in meetings and travels and others for ourselves. I don't always know why or how we become who we are, I assume it depends on various factors like how we've been raised, with whom we connected, our education and in certain cases by what we take. For instance, I was about 17 when a doctor prescribed me Valium to 'treat' my anxiety. Now they give Ritalina as young as fourth graders.

I suppose the important thing is to aim and focus on what and who we want to be and try to succeed - not at all costs, but definitely taking risks like exposing ourselves. It's a like a desensibilisation, so to speak. It may be uncomfortable in the beginning but we learn how to cope with it. It takes time, and 'growing up' is part of the process. We can do anything we set our minds to, in that I believe.
 
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i have to drive two hours away from this town to see trainspotting 2.. anyone else puke in their mouth when they see that Marcus opener?
 
I haven't seen it yet.

I guess we are going through one of those phases where everything breaks at home.
First it was with the lights, then a dozen of small but important things going down.
WiFi service has been so bad lately I was only online for about half an hour yesterday. :/
 
I've never stopped.

Years and years ago now when I was getting clean I felt that if that sobriety didn't stick and I started using again that I wouldn't be able to get away again. Maybe it was some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy, but I started getting back again way back in summer. Not this past summer that was 8 months ago, but the SUMMER OF 2012! Since early summer 2012 I haven't had more than a full week away from heroin (and was on suboxone on the rare non-using day). Over these past several years I've only gone more than 4 days away twice! Haven't gone more than 3 days straight without using in at least 2 years.

I was always the type of person to save money and didn't impulse buy and would barely ever splurge. Considering I started working when I was 13 years old I just always had at least some money. I've been broke for a while now. Not just broke, but in debt and have lost several cool and sometimes sentimental items to pawn shops. Being this broke definitely effects your self-esteem and self-worth in a way that I hadn't fully understood until I found myself in that position.

I have no social life, don't go on Facebook or even want to see anyone I know. I don't have any real friends any more. They've all moved on, literally and figuratively. I'm the least successful of anyone that was in our group. I barely have any "drug friends". It's just me and time is going by. I'm a background character in my own life story.


When I had been starting to get bad again all those summers ago I hadn't really lost much yet. I missed hanging out with a friend before he was going to live in Massachusetts to start a new job. Kind of blew him off to get high instead. Wanted to call him so I could apologize. Wanted to make sure we were still cool and see if I could come up soon and check out bars/social scene in his new town. I never talked to him again though. He killed himself. As far as I know he killed himself thinking that I didn't care about him or didn't consider him a good friend. Had known him for 14 years at that point, met on the first day of 7th grade. He was one of the few friends that I thought I would always continue to see or at least talk to even when we were adults. I always had this dream of us coaching a track team together and becoming a powerhouse program.

I absolutely loved track and competitive running in general. I can't watch it anymore. I've tried, it actually hurts. Since I've never gotten clean since he died I have never finished processing his death. I'm sure there was a number of things that were going on in his life that he felt he couldn't continue. I just am always going to think that him thinking I didn't care may have been one of the nails in the coffin. It might have come among a flurry of other issues, and if I had just gone out and met him that night or called him sooner, it might have been enough for him to not go through it.


When I do occasionally have a few days on sub my sober mind returns. My sober mind thinks its 2012. I can't explain this clearly, but it feels like I had years stolen away from me. I missed the end of my 20s and am in my early 30s now and am every single thing I never wanted to be. Other than my dog I really only have drugs in my life at this point. It's really shitty to actually be a loser. Even if I do get clean I have to deal with feeling like I've been robbed of 5 years and I have to explain to people why I am where I am at this age.

I'm a drain on everyone around me. I honestly don't remember what it's like to not have to worry about getting sick if I don't have drugs or to have multiple nights in a row where I'm not dope sick. I can remember being younger and being happy. I can't remember the last time I was happy though. It's not just the depression, it's the total lack of pride, lack of confidence, lack of any self-worth or self-respect.



TLDR: It's not worth reading. I'm not looking for any replies and I don't want anyone to waste their time reading this, much less responding to it. Just needed to vent
 
Hey man. I used to be on here more often, I remember seeing you post andwanted to say I saw your thread on vent/rant here. I hope you know from, same thing at least ur first sentence (I never really stopped roughly ) , dude youre totally not loser man and I had to chill and try hard to at least read let alone reply (came to vent somethin I nvm now hah) to ask as well (as say cmon man. ur not a loser man , coming from a random poly turned meth addict who has prolly loser stats in range of high standard opinion, I had a almost groupy like respect (I took at least a breath to chill and get rdy to try to absorb this "game" (srsly man plz know u have/had as much respect as I have for sadly, almost anyone to end it with cuz everyones cool and if not , I duno usually till I remember somethin lame ) .

I'm definitely not in good shape mentally either but I wanted to say don't give up, not on being a non stopper, but I duno either man you might have it in you somewhere to get back up to where you were at least 8-10 yrs ago from me (and my opinion from that time..which is coming from me tho . I currently cant stop either and don't advocate a fellow hatin my self pretty hard to continue full retard, I wish I could just boost your self esteem way up.

Can you wake up with a wake-up at least? how? I cant even get a job, etc etc. all I can do is say I'm struggling too. How are you today tho? etc.. take it easy and hope everything gets better for you
 
fucking taxes are you kidding me :!

Cant believe i lost a love and a friend.. shit sucks bad:(
 
^ Sorry to hear that. It really sucks, for sure.

Anyway, I am also going through this phase where I simply hate having to pay so much in taxes. I literally get nothing from the Government and I don't like the idea that my money will be insignificant and it will be wasted regardless, probably on expenses that aren't those we are alleged supposed to be paying for.
 
I'm not happy when I see that doing well at work is defining my moods lately. On top of that some family members can sometimes be so unpredictability insensitive just when I need them most.

I guess we have to rely on ourselves and do not let others define the end of my day. There's a quote that says nobody can hurt us without our permission. So I am trying not to let them do that. :\
 
Had to get an extension on taxes....as usual.:!

I'm sorry about your loss, nsa--what happened??

yep.. me too..


we, me and this girl, really are two hopeless dip shits that will never get it right.
 
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I think I can relate to some of these feelings. Except that in our case we are trying to be together although we are so different and anger issues can be overwhelming. I often think in what's better for our children as they are doing well, and I like to see them happy and having a "normal" life. Separation can be so difficult and even though I might be losing quality time I suppose I could endure for their good sake. We still have our moments but I don't think that is enough.
 
Let me know if you want to chat hydro. Try and enjoy the stuff if you're going to do it, and then see about finding something less destructive than rock for the next time you feel like using. But no sense in doing something and then hating one's self over it, particularly not if one isn't able to enjoy the experience to begin with.

I definitely know how crazy cocaine can get though. Keep you head up my friend!
 
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